X11 season 45 - de rigueur Mortis

[Various Artist]

What is the term for the opposite of a yo-yo club anyway?

I'd disagree quite strongly with the above consensus on this. by the way. Aside from the, ah, scatalogical aspect to it ('The Floaters' would make a good club nickname for Turd Derision), in footballing language "floater" is surely only applicable to "dangerous floater" clubs in a cup draw – signifying something unmoored and able to pop up anywhere when least expected or welcome.

To me, at least, that suggests quite the reverse of a team marooned and unmoving in the same division. Think Ipswich in the Championship, for example. I'd have thought the opposite of a yo-yo club was something solid and immovable: an "anchor club", perhaps.

[Sean of the Shed]

Residue.

[Various Artist]

Ah yes, something sticky and immovable then, perhaps. A "chewing-gum club", if you will.

[Etienne]

Yeah, ice cubes all the way for ZZ. It just seemed to me that the MLX structure makes it well worth paying a little extra for players who can step up in shoot out.

[Auntie Beryl]

Constipation Club?

[Various Artist]

Yeah, ice cubes all the way for ZZ. It just seemed to me that the MLX structure makes it well worth paying a little extra for players who can step up in shoot out.

I've occasionally pondered going that way myself, but my self-imposed stricture of largely relying on the academy means it's never possible to follow anything so closely resembling a 'plan' per se.

Funnily enough, I signed loads of Cool players when I first started up Sandringham Park [Rovers], as it's just an SQ that I've always liked – I find it aesthetically appealing as much as anything – but for one reason or another most of them have gone again and hence the only ones left are my two goalkeepers, Armander-Legge and Vorderman-Whiteley. The three longest-serving academy arrivals (Yubrechen-Myhart, Maddeley-Deaply and George-Romero) all happen to have it as well.


And having said that about going homegrown, an enduring drought of real talent across most of my academies in recent months means I'm having to dip back into the market for the first time in a long while at various clubs. I have to confess, I'm rather enjoying the unfamiliar thrill of the chase once more.

Sandringham signed underevaluated 18/5 Hulk Burglar defender Pleasance Trent-Darby for a bargain 377k last month, two months after Mortis picked up 31/12 midfield stopgap Mattis Kling for a million – the first non-academy product to arrive at the Hollows in a dozen seasons. Rædfearne Island similarly landed 18/4 FK Cool Nessie Actor midfielder Oswald Williamson for 1.1m three days ago, our first money signing for over two and a half years.

Royal Atlantis have just gone the same way, as the blow after the CR of twin impending retirements from senior midfielder Cassius Nero (36) and senior striker Christian King (31!!) was added to by our academy's decision to present me with a 20/5 MF following a full month's wait. Having no young keeper in the works, a four-man defence already semi-stalled developmentally for the past umpteen seasons, one of the midfielders being 18/4 placeholder Henry Curtmantle and one of the strikers being 21/7 ongoing-placeholder Æthelred Unready, the latest pathetic youth offering finally snapped my patience – since I realised that leaves only 10 'proper' players currently due to be around after the next CR and so the team is in danger of becoming a basket case sooner rather than later.
Flailed around a bit as a consequence, blowing half a million the other day on evaluating players in all sorts of positions, but we've just won the auction for 18/5 Nessie Moody Headers MF Edmund Crouchback, who (disregarding current backup keeper Erik Lamb) becomes the only player in the squad signed from the open market other than Nero over four years ago. At just under 1.2m, a million less than his estimated value, that makes up for the evaluation fees to boot. Since it also leaves us with a surprising amount still in the bank, I'm just trying to decide now if I go for any of the other players I had my eye on as well...

[Etienne]

Next up for Etienne’s girls is two games against [OFFS] Provokator FC of Division 6:56. Why is this pillock still in the competition?!? Time for The Dragons to remove with prejudice.

The pillock has only gone and left a nice comment apologising for crocking my keeper for 25 days. Why couldn't he have made a comment as stupid as his team's kits?

[Sits]

As VA mentions, buying players is one of the joys of the game (unless you've had twenty Poor evals of course). Lincolnshire Curly Coats have had to move on after the departure of legendary goalie Hugh Callender, so I took advantage of the extra data available in the Official Leagues.

Found a 21/7 keeper, Don Rust who on a click-through turned out to have begun his career as an 18/5 junior, and thus in theory has an extra jump in the tank. He's going to play every game so with any luck he'll be "on the path" again in a season or two. And of course he was dirt cheap, which a 20/7 or 21/8 wouldn't have been.

[Wouter D]

Constipation Club?

I like the cut of your jib.

[Various Artist]

Yes, he'll be Don ShinyAndNew again in no time Sits. Good spot I reckon.

If anyone's on the lookout for a hard-training but moody 30/15 keeper, Tiree Automatic's long experiment with Calder Thames is at an end – I transfer-listed him last night in a fit of pique after a frustrating late collapse against Perfect Porn Princesses (spit) saw us drop from a potential 2nd to the relegation places in the Xpert Zone top flight. Since my 'junior' keeper Lukas Heligoland is a 28/13, I'd already been thinking I should sell one or the other, and despite being more flaky than his Moody colleague I've elected to hand the reprieve to the younger man.

Royal Atlantis meanwhile are bidding on a junior goalkeeper right now, and Vita Mortis are trying to land a teenage defender. I've suddenly got hooked on buying players again.

[SouthdownRebel]

VA, sadly, PPP (spit)'s manager is pretty competent. Tobermory got well and truly bested by them last season.

[Various Artist]

Yeah, I know. His/her whole schtick annoys me, frankly -- I was initially willing to overlook the worst excesses of the apparently deeply misogynistic roster when she claimed in a Scribble/Forum thing somewhere to be a 20-year-old American woman, since I figured it's not for me to judge a woman's attitude to women. Then a while later s/he made some reference to Sunderland's defence or similar in a PR and instantly that persona completely failed to ring true. So I've had nothing but contempt for this person since, rightly or wrongly.

[Sean of the Shed]

The Heineken League needs three more mangers to start the new season. If anyone here has spare quota and can take over a team short term until the update I would be most grateful. Once done we can part company by mutual consent.

Link: http://www.xperteleven.com/?lid=62556

Hope you don't mind Etienne, I've put a similar request on the OTF League scribble. I'll wipe it if you prefer I didn't.

[Etienne]

No that's fine.

[Gawpus]

Application in...

[Sean of the Shed]

Thanks Gawpus.

[Various Artist]

I like how with the impending departure at season's end of Pulau Pinang defensive legend Alvin Butt, PuPi have brought in a new academy defender overnight named Aizzat Arsat. I also see they've signed another youth defender an hour ago from the market; did Arsat's arrival catch you by surprise Sean?

[Sean of the Shed]

I was hoping for a defender from the youth team, but Arsat isn't where it's at. He's too old and not on the right path at 20/6, so I put him on the transfer list and got a defender in who is at the right stage of his career.

[Antepli Ejderha]

That's phenomenal Etienne, though I'm indeed not surprised considering your squad's freezerful of ice-cubes.
Was watching the 'live' score during my own game (a heartbreaking late defeat to regular foes Gotham City), and it looked like another in the run of recent classics between ZZ and GG, great stuff.


AE, I noticed the other day you'd joined the J4GL. Great choice, and great to have you there – is it your first time in that league?

There is a black-and-red reverse version of my red-and-black Mars Rovers kit made but not uploaded. Here's how the pairing would look:

If you fancy that then I can get it added to the VA Sports catalogue pronto for you.

They are beautiful. Yes please I'll take a set.

[Various Artist]

Excellent, I've uploaded the black-and-red version as well as creating a white-and-red variant to make up the numbers. Hopefully they'll get approved in the next night or two.

[Sits]

The Heineken League needs three more mangers to start the new season. If anyone here has spare quota and can take over a team short term until the update I would be most grateful. Once done we can part company by mutual consent.

Link: http://www.xperteleven.com/?lid=62556

Hope you don't mind Etienne, I've put a similar request on the OTF League scribble. I'll wipe it if you prefer I didn't.

Feel free to put one on the Human League to.

And have a look at the profile of X11's no. 3 rated manager MyShady - a potential knight in shining armour in situations like these.

[Antepli Ejderha]

Excellent, I've uploaded the black-and-red version as well as creating a white-and-red variant to make up the numbers. Hopefully they'll get approved in the next night or two.

I shall hopefully be sporting them in the next league match then.

[Sean of the Shed]

The Heineken League needs three more mangers to start the new season. If anyone here has spare quota and can take over a team short term until the update I would be most grateful. Once done we can part company by mutual consent.

Link: http://www.xperteleven.com/?lid=62556

Just one more team needing to be filled. If anyone else on here can help that would be super.

[Sean of the Shed]

Feel free to put one on the Human League to.

And have a look at the profile of X11's no. 3 rated manager MyShady - a potential knight in shining armour in situations like these.

Thanks Sits.

[Janik]

X11 Ladies Season 52, Matchday 6 report.

Division 1a

Spearwives of Ygritte 	2 - 0	Viking South Utsira
Macedos 6', 39'


Division 4i

Drakaina		0 - 0	PVFC Ladies


Division 4p

Vasas Femina 		2 - 0	Csiki Girls
Apell 25'
Suciu 79'


Division 5:16

Erbil			2 - 2	Nutless Rats
Lister 14'			Ostakova 11'
Hinton 92'			Kramoarova 90'


Division 5:17

LNWR Locomotive		2 - 1	San Francisco 9ers
Hofvander 62'			Baroncelli 33'
Severinsson 71'


Division 5:18

Coxy Ladies Wulpen	1 - 0	Angel Delights FC
Leroy 80'
				Cronshaw (sent off) 86'


Division 5:19

Lascelles 		2 - 1	Ullapool Northern Star
Cobb 29'			Klovning 58'
Mikkelsson 78'			Klovning (sent off) 92'


Division 5:21

Kanjeng Ratu Kidul WFC	1 - 1	Liverpool Girls
Ikmal 78'			Bjørstad 18'


Division 5:27

Zeugma Dostluk Spor	0 - 2	Azeda Girls F.C.
				Pruitt 23'
				Theisen 28'


Division 5:29

... because Girls Can 	3 - 0	Menywod Maeshafn
Karlgren 2', 68'
Csernát 10'

Malta 			0 - 0	Dublin City WFC

				Brennan (sent off) 65'


Division 6:40

Sockford Emollient	3 - 2	Magnificent Ladies
Antonellini 61'			Forster 30'
Batistuta 73', 76'		Hore 65'


Division 6:41

Invisible Ladies	3 - 1	Ipswich Town Ladies
Paul 20', 61'			Bråten 5'
van der Kwast 70'


Division 6:42

Rotnäset BK 		3 - 1	Riverbankers FC
De Clercq 7'			Tunc 21'
Amante 35'
Carmo 62'

Solent Sirens		5 - 1	MSV Duisburg Damen
Högardh 20', 22'		Manfield 28'
de Beauvoir 32'
Abbiati 49'
Stieglecker 61'

Tagalog Ladys 		2 - 0	Witches of Chiswick
Rainford 19'
Idmayanti 76'

The historical versus fictional blood and honour warrior cults face off gained its latest chapter when Viking South Utsira travelled to Spearwives of Ygritte.
The sides came into the game next to each other in the middle of the Division 1a table, both looking to push on to repeat last season’s title battle. It was the hosts who landed the first blow, going ahead after just 6 minutes. The Blood Eagles tried to respond, and Velvet Android’s team did create some chances and were arguably unlucky to find themselves two behind at the break when a one-goal margin would have been fairer on the first half performance.
That left Viking with a mountain to climb, which is a task a longship is ill-suited for. They never really got going, and not even the hosts going down to 10 players due to injury would help as that only occurred in the 89th minute. The defeat leaves VSU rather stuck in the no-man’s-land in the standings, sitting fourth, six points adrift of the top two sides and three points clear of sixth.

Matchday 6 pitted Drakaina against Glasgow side PVFC Ladies, who still confuse me by seemingly having nothing to do with Port Vale.
Drakaina were well on top in the first half without creating all that many chances. After the break it went from dominance to a full-on siege as The Dragons camped in the PVFC half and rained shots on the visitors goal. Seven in all as the winner would surely come eventually. Except... it didn’t as Etienne’s side had to settle for a very underwhelming point in a game where they had totally outplayed their opponents.
Drakaina stayed second in Division 4i despite the two points dropped, but are no longer level with the leaders and are instead on the same points as the side in third.

Csiki Girls were looking to bounce back from a first league defeat of the season when they headed for Vasas Femina.
Csiki’s manager Ad Hoc only selected one sub for his side, opening questions about whether he had time to prepare them for the game at all. They certainly found it all rather a struggle, with under 40% possession across the 90 minutes and just one chance chiselled out. Vasas made more of their lion’s share of the ball and scored twice from six openings, once in each half.
The defeat has sent Csiki Girls plunging down the Division 4p table to sit sixth. This is a very congested league, with a whipping boy side that has zero points and then just four points separating the leaders from seventh place. So a jump back up again is very possible...

Also looking to bounce back from a first defeat, albeit one that hadn’t cost them their top spot in Division 5:16, were Erbil. They were looking to do so against visitors Nutless Rats (erm..., OK)
Jdsx’s team started well in terms of possession, but were hit with a counterpunch goal on 11 minutes. The Rats’ lead didn’t last for long at all though, Harmony Lister pouncing after a corner to equalise just three minutes later.
The game continued in similar fashion, Erbil making most of the play but their opponents looking dangerous on the counter. The match was entering stoppage time still all-square when a seemingly decisive goal went in, and did so for the visitors. That gave Erbil just a handful of minutes of stoppage time to do something about it, but once again this was enough to force a corner, and once this led to a leveller, Caroline Hinton heading home on this occasion. Cue pandemonium on the Erbil Arena terraces.
Again, Erbil remain top despite not picking up all three points as every single game in 5:16 ended as a draw! Their lead therefore remains two points.

Promotion chasing LNWR Locomotive were up against a San Francisco 9ers side who were only a handful of points behind The Steamers at the start of play.
The visitors would have been confident of closing that gap further (indeed completely) when sitting in their dressing room at half-time after an effective performance of counter-attacking play had given them a 1-0 interval lead.
Locomotive boss Viktor Boskovic must have given an inspiring team-talk as his side came out as completely different beasts. Hyper efficient ones. The Steamers made just two second half chances, but Ragna Hofvander fired home the first on 62 minutes and Tekla Severinsson raced clear in the 71st minute to slot home the second, which completely turned the game on its head and gave LNWR victory.
It was a win that moved The Steamers up to top spot in Division 5:17, one point clear of second and with a useful five point gap to third.

A frustrating stalemate in their previous game meant Coxy Ladies Wulpen were looking to run up the score against strugglers Angel Delights FC.
However this game would prove to be the previous one in slight return, as Janik’s side created chances and then didn’t take them. Possession was all with The Waders, but come the 80th minute the game was still scoreless. However that was the point that Zoe Leroy lined up a direct free-kick. Leroy opted for a direct shot, hard and true and ripping past the Delights ‘keeper before she had had a chance to move.
Any nerves Wulpen fans may have had about a sucker punch goal equaliser were eased a few minutes later when the visitors Lauren Cronshaw picked up a second yellow card. Coxy Ladies saw the game out comfortably following that, the win lifting them to third in the Division 5:17 table, but still a fair way adrift of the top two.

A draw last time out meant hopes were high amongst Ullapool Northern Star players and fans as they made the trip to Lascelles.
Those were further boosted when Sonia Menashi put Northern Star ahead in the 20th minute... until the linesman’s flag was spotted. That was to be the first of three set-backs in quick order for Delicatemoth’s side as it was followed a few minutes later by a 13-day injury for Sonja Fågelberg and then by a goal from the hosts that Tony Nolan saw fit to give, to further rub salt into the wounds. Ullapool showed fight in the face of adversity though, not least Renate Klovning who equalised in the 58th minute. That was her first goal for Ullapool and the first of her career as she didn’t register for VSU either prior to her more across the North Sea.
Hopes that this would be the springboard for a point or maybe three faded however as Lascelles scored again with 78 on the clock. And then in stoppage time Klovning took ‘show fight’ too literally as she got herself a second booking of the day.
Ullapool remain rooted to the foot of the Division 5:19 table after the loss. They remain five points from safety.

Division 5:21 leaders Kanjeng Ratu Kidul WFC would have been targeting a win against a Liverpool Girls side that began the game in the bottom three.
However it was Liverpool who struck first on 18 minutes. The chances of a shock result increased just before the break when Sea Spirits’ striker Diksha Dalmiya went down clutching her knee and had to be carried off (she will be out for 14 days).
SeanoftheShed’s girls are made of stern stuff though, and they shrugged off these disappointments to retrieve a point from the game via Rahma Ikmal’s 78th minute header. It wasn’t quite enough to keep Kanjeng top of the 5:21 table, but they only trail new leaders Flick of the Wrist by the finest of margins, goal scored. And only one of those, at that.

It’s been a frustrating season so far for Zeugma Dostluk Spor, who have been so close but also so far from it being a good one. Could they get the breaks and that elusive first win against Azeda Girls F.C.?
The first half certainly did nothing to contradict the over-arching narrative. Yes, Azeda shaded it, but 0-2 was extremely harsh on Antepli Ejderha’s girls. Zeugma upped their intensity after the break as they attempted to claw the deficit back, but nothing that they tried came off which made the final score (the same one as at the interval) even more unrepresentative of the 90 minutes it was meant to embody.
Defeat saw Zeugma slip back to seventh in the Division 5:27 standings.