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[Jah Womble]

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The Taking of Elham 123
Exciting race-against-time action thriller located on the otherwise sleepy Elham Valley Railway in East Kent. Passengers are held at gunpoint by a gang of local desperados who want only to secure their required ransom of rare stamps plus a few back issues of the Kentish Gazette. Walter Matthau stars as the ticket officer who won’t change a twenty pound note, not at this time in the morning.

Wild At Hart
David Lynch-directed drama focusing on the breakdown in relations between Roberto Mancini and his goalkeeper following a series of howlers during crucial Premier League matches. Look out for Carlos Tevez’s cameo as one of those strange dwarf people that come into shot and grin a lot for no reason.

Marathon Manc
Gritty seventies drama involving a Manchester student whose unwavering diet of peanut-infused chocolate bars gets him into hot water with a local Nazi dentist. It really isn’t safe.

[ian.64]

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Day of the Triffics

At first, cloning Mike Reid, the late ex-Eastender and ex-Runaround host, seemed like a good idea. Years later, when London is overrun by raspy-throated Cockneys telling people to do one, shouting 'Migraine! Migraine!' and generally exhorting passers-by to G-G-G-G-G-GOOOOOO!, the future is an uncertain one.

Dead Man Wanking

Victor Von Frankenstein's experiments, coinciding with the discovery of a bunch of dirty magazines, takes the notorious scientist into fascinating new areas of scientific discovery.

Terminator 2: Judgement Dad

The Terminator goes back into the past, followed by Terminator Sr., who, when he catches him, will send him up to bed with a spanked bot and no staying up to watch telly, mark my words.

[Toby Gymshorts]

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ian.64 wrote: Dead Man Wanking

Victor Von Frankenstein's experiments, coinciding with the discovery of a bunch of dirty magazines, takes the notorious scientist into fascinating new areas of scientific discovery.

This made me remember Frankenstein's Cock Must Be Destroyed! from the hallowed pages of Viz, and now I'm trying to stifle giggles at my desk.

[treibeis]

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Confessions Of A Widow Cleaner
Armed with a chamois leather and a bar of sandlewood soap, a chirpy Robin Askwith gatecrashes funerals to give the grieving wife of the deceased an impromptu graveside lick and promise.

[Wyatt Earp]

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Miss, Ian keeps doing it wrong.

[Wyatt Earp]

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The Spy Who Loved E: 007, licensed to give everybody hugs while dancing to techno

[Crystal Staples]

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EMA – Gwyneth Paltrow plays the aristocratic heroine in this Jane Austin classic, set in austere times. The year is 2010 and draconian spending cuts to education from the newly formed government see our witty heroine feel the pressure to drop out of the local comp, to take up an initial six month contract in a call-centre covering maternity leave, but with her father's notorious resistance to change playing on her mind, will she struggle on through AS-level Film Studies? An uplifting tale of old-fashioned British stoicism.

[Wyatt Earp]

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The Spy Who Loved M: Brings out the latent homoeroticism in the Bond genre

[Wyatt Earp]

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Manson des Sources; Provencal revenge tragedy reaches surprisingly bloody conclusion

[treibeis]

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Sexy Beat
Ray Winstone plays a safe-breaker-turned-local-bobby who takes viewers on a tour of the bus shelters, park benches, bicycle sheds and other preferred venues for adolescent fumblings that he’s grown to know and love during half a lifetime pounding the streets.

[treibeis]

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Dr. Nob
In possibly his least-known Bond role, Sean Connery attempts to scupper the plans of some bloke who lives underground and is a bit of a twat.

[Rogin the Armchair fan]

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The Color of Monkey - Paul Newman mentors a monkey in the world of hustling pool.

Hang on, I thought part of the game was that you're meant to change the content of the film, as well

[treibeis]

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Bogie Nights
This surprising 1997 box-office hit tells of small-town boy Eddie Adams, who, after deserting his small-town roots for the bright lights of the big city, adopts a pseudonym and embarks on a sordid career picking his nose and eating it for the sexual gratification of others.

[ian.64]

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Miss, Ian keeps doing it wrong.


Going to fart, waft it about and tell Miss you did it.

[Benjm]

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Every Which Way But Looe - laughs aplenty as Clint Eastwood's bareknuckle fighter and his orangutan pal holiday in Cornwall.

Any Which Way You Caen - Underwhelming sequel in which the odd couple rent a gite in Normandy.

[alyxandr]

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Withnail And It -- A weekend in the countryside descends into Lovecraftian horror and snappy one-liners.

[treibeis]

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Rita, Suet and Bob Too
A middle-aged man is torn between having a sexual fling with a teenager and getting tucked into a great big bowl of jam roly-poly pudding.

[Duncan Gardner]

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African Quern

Hepburn and Bogart in prequel to Romancing the Stone.

[Pietro Paolo Virdis]

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ian.64 wrote: Miss, Ian keeps doing it wrong.


Going to fart, waft it about and tell Miss you did it.

Don't go, you might win the Razzie

[Rogin the Armchair fan]

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Diving Miss Daisy - Morgan Freeman stars as Manchester United's first team coach to new signing Danny "Daisy" Welbeck (played by Jessica Tandy) and through a series of subtle lessons shows him how to adapt to modern life.

[Sits]

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Duce Bigelow: European Gigolo - in which Rob Schneider discovers that prostituting himself around Europe disguised as Benito Mussolini isn't as easy as it seems.

The Ho Chick - in which Rob Schneider discovers that prostituting himself in one of the rougher suburbs of LA isn't as easy as it seems.

The Hot Hick - in which Rob Schneider discovers that strutting round a remote Appalachian town dressed in Daisy Duke-style denim cut-offs isn't as easy as it seems.

The Dead Poo - maverick detective Harry Callaghan, played by Clint Eastwood, is extremely disgruntled to be called away from important police work to assist local archaeologists as they investigate a large fossilised turd found by local farmer Liam Neeson.

Judge Dedd - Sylvester "Sly" Stallone plays a zombie cop attempting to clean up Mega City One while preventing his body parts littering the streets.

[Mr Cogito]

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Twelve Minkeys

In a future world devastated by disease, Clouseau is sent back in time to gather information about the man-made virus that wiped out most of the human population on the planet.

{With apologies to WE}

[Posty Webber]

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Ian's Terminator 2: Judgement Dad had me chortling enthusiasticly.

[Sits]

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The Dors - Val Kilmer brings all his method skills to the role of British screen darling Diana Dors, tracing her career from early Monroe-esque glamour to guest appearances on ITV panel games and variety shows in the 70s.

Cate on a Hot Tin Roof - Aussie director Baz Luhrmann brings his dubious talents to Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream, moving the action to daytime. The focal point is a small tin dunny in the sun-baked Outback. Cate Blanchett as Titania seeks authenticity by performing her entire role barefoot on the corrugated iron roof of the dunny, rendering her unable to stand still at any point. Unfortunately Calista Flockhart ruins the whole thing, drenching her role as Helena with gallons of passive aggression and pissing off cast, crew and audience.

The Full Moty - a group of recently unemployed Sheffield steelworkers led by Robert Carlyle and Tom Wilkinson, seek a way out of their depressing new circumstances. Eventually they dream up a plan to brighten up the lives of the folk around them, and earn a few quid, by performing the plays of Ibsen and Chekhov while the whole cast are in character as John Motson.

[Mr Cogito]

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Arsenic and Old Lacey

A football critic learns on his wedding day that his beloved maiden aunts are homicidal maniacs, and that insanity runs in his family.