Using up your "Get Out Of Jail Free" cards.

[Walt Flanagans Dog]

Bored, sorry to hear all that you've gone through, and glad to hear there is light at the end of the tunnel. As a parent to a 13 year old, long dreading the teen years, I can't imagine how much of a strain that must have been. To echo the others above, it seems you've done everything that could reasonably be expected and more - in time, I'm sure Jr will come to appreciate that in full.

Echo everyone's sympathy and thoughts towards Bored and his family on this. A friend of mine (and I do mean a friend of mine, not me) has a son who followed a similar rapid spiral which I won't detail to protect his and his family's anonymity - point being it can easily happen and it was in the context of a fairly comfortable upbringing.

My own son has just reached the finishing line of his own teenage years and as far as I can tell is removed from this sort of thing, but that doesn't mean I don't worry about him making a misstep along the way. That's not to say his teenage years haven't been without drama - most recently he managed to lose control of his car, clear a ditch and go through a fence into a farmer's field. Him and his girlfriend were luckily largely unscathed, the car however was a write-off. That wasn't a great phone call to get at 3am on a Friday night....

[Sits]

Hats off to you Bored and your missus. I have no nuggets of advice; I can only echo what others have said here.

All the best from here on.

[Aitch]

Wow, commiserations and congratulations. You must have been through hell but you seem to have come out on the other side in one piece.

[HORN]

If I stepped out of line my mother hit me. That was the deal. The worse my transgression the worse the beating. There could be no misunderstanding.

When aged 13 the police first knocked on our door I expected my mother to up the ante and knock me into the middle of next week. But this time she never raised her fists to me - instead she seemed to go into what might best be described as a state of mourning.

It was a period that was to last months. I was grounded, of course, but far worse was the awful mood of hurt that lingered in the house that far-exceeded the pain of the good old-fashioned wallopings I’d grown used to.

Ten weeks later I received my police caution. We got home afterwards, my mum silently brooding. It really was a total all-pervading mindfuck that I simply don’t have the words to do justice to and back then I couldn’t see an end to. She was just so disappointed in me. I went upstairs to change out of my smart clothes. Suddenly, in the middle of changing, I heard my mum at the bottom of the stairs. This wasn’t likely to end well. She called up to me.

“There’s football on the telly.”

I remember the wave of emotion that caught me utterly by surprise as I processed what she’d said. I stood there, half-undressed in my bedroom, sobbing.

All wrapped up in those five simple words was of course a vital message about forgiveness, love and acceptance. I knew in that moment that despite the pain and distress I had caused my mother my fears of being abandoned wouldn’t be realised, and, though I was chastened by the experience, life would go on much as it always had.

I applaud you, BOE, in how you’re working so hard to hold your family together. You deserve success. I just hope that the message of love and support you’re sending him permeates Junior’s skull and he realises he’s a very fortunate young man.

[Paul S]

Bored I think I need to tell you about my old school friend Anna.

Anna and I were in the same class at infant and junior school. Then we went to the same secondary school although we ended up in different strands and I didn't have lessons with her, but I still got the bus home with her after school. She was bright and came from a good family. Her father was an English teacher in a local secondary school (one of the roughest in the area) and at the age of 12 he was my first ever rugby coach when I started playing. In the year 2000 Anna decided she wanted to travel the World. She went to Amsterdam and from there took a flight to the UAE. Before she got on the flight she swallowed a load of packages with the intention of excreting them out at the other end. Those packages contained cocaine. The other woman she was with got caught and immediately told them about Anna. They were lucky not to be sentenced to death and were instead given life sentences although they normally get pardoned after 25 years. She was caught in October 2000, sentenced to life in May 2001 but got the sentence cut to ten years in October 2001.

The sentencing for the original verdict can be found here:

http://edition.cnn.com/2001/WORLD/me...mirates.drugs/

Sentence reduced to ten years:

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/wor...-sentence.html

In June 2003 she was released from prison on compassionate grounds. What actually happened was that an elderly aunt died and left the house and contents to the family. They were able to sell the house and buy Anna out and she was able to come home:

https://www.theguardian.com/uk/2003/....taniabranigan

But this story gets worse. Much worse.

You see, Anna wanted to travel the World and four months after being released from prison in the UAE she set off on her travels again. She ended up in Northern India home to peace, tranquility and some of the World's strongest hash. We don't know what happened for certain but her body was found in a drain by a river in India. She had been killed, we believe, in an apparent roaw over drugs. Three men were arrested but were never charged and the case is now closed.

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/ukn...t-her-way.html

She was cremated out there and her ashes flown back to the UK and they were scattered at a church in the Welsh village of Solva where the family had a holiday home. Anna had come from a middle class family who had given her lots of love. She had opportunities but she threw them away. Not her parents fault, not her teachers fault, not my fault or anyone else's fault, she chose the path she took. Her father died in 2012 of a broken heart.

Bored, the point to this post it to try and make you realise the following things:

1. It isn't your fault

2. You can't do anything to stop your son going down this road

3. Background and upbringing don't necessarily have the impact you think on involvement in crime - i.e. murder, drugs, addiction, greed etc. happen to rich and middle class people as well

4. It's not your fault

[E10 Rifle]

Blimey Bored, that sounds unbelievably stressful. All the very best to you all. You've done your best, and beyond.

[The-Reverend]

Bored you obviously are a decent and caring individual, and there are not enough of those sort of people in this world as far as I can see.

However, I had a father that enabled me and sorted stuff out for me, not so much with the law but mainly through my drug and drinking. He kept helping me, and I was great at contrition. I manged to escape prison bar a 30 day remand. The only time I changed (or hope I changed) was when my dad could not help me and I had to face up to the consequences of my actions, I have since spoken to my dad about this and he say that 'tough love' was the hardest thing he ever had to do. But ultimately it was the best thing for me as the people who previously I had thought of as 'wankers who would bail me out' were not there and I was all alone.

I know that this is hard to hear as any compassionate human wants to do what they can, but maybe and I stress maybe, letting go (for a while) may be the best thing to do.

That said if you want heavies to suggest non-law breaking actions for those involved I could possibly arrange that.

[Gerontophile]

Nothing to add, other than wishing all of you the best. Which your son may already have.

[Bored Of Education]

Thanks for all your messages and advice but I really feel that I must make something clear as I am not sure I did before. Yes, we both questioned our parenting all through this and before (probably all the time that we have been parents) but, obviously, mostly in the last 6 months. Obviously, like all parents, we have made mistakes and bad choices - many of which will have had an effect on Bored Jr. However, we have now come out of the other side of thinking that we are to blame for this. We would have gone mad if we kept on thinking that and it just isn't true. As has been mentioned, Bored Jr decided the path and made the decisions that ended up where we are today - not us, his mates, the teachers he reckons picked on him nor even his birth parents. Yes, he has issues surrounding his adoption but we have been through counselling about that and he has been offered more all the time. As I say, not all adopted kids do this and it is an insult to them to suggest it. It is certainly not genetic. Also, while showing the immaturity of many 18 year old boys, he is still pretty much an adult now and has to take responsibility for his actions. Anyway, I just wanted to clarify that as I didn't write the post for praise or whatever. I am not sure why I wanted to write it apart from feeling that it had to be written somewhere for me and, perhaps, for others and here seemed to be the best place for it.

I see what you're saying, Reverend, and one of things I have hammered home to him and we have accepted ourselves is that the last couple of months is a one off shot. Even if we had the mental and emotional strength to pull out all the stops to keep him out of prison again (which we haven't) and wanted to, the legal system's view of him is based on him being guilty of robbery and possession of a knife. That's all they will need to know - no allowances for age, previous good character, personal references will be made. He is, quite simple, a convicted criminal and that is all they will see. Obviously, we can't leave him high and dry as he is now tagged to our house for the next four months so we have to not only make the best of it but also try to ensure that he uses this time to sort his life out - not only by keeping on the right side of the law but by getting work and changing his social life.

Broadly, what you (and Paul S in his second point) are saying is correct. We can't change him, he has to do it for himself. Before all this happened, we didn't enable him - he got no money from us, for instance - and his reaction to that was drug dealing. We had to enable him recently to get him to court and keep him out of prison. It may have been that prison would have been the shock that really turned him around but, firstly, I doubt it as we all know what prison is like nowadays and, secondly, I wasn't going to risk it. However, there were quiet a few moments when we thought that it may be the right thing for him.

[Bored Of Education]

If I stepped out of line my mother hit me. That was the deal. The worse my transgression the worse the beating. There could be no misunderstanding.

When aged 13 the police first knocked on our door I expected my mother to up the ante and knock me into the middle of next week. But this time she never raised her fists to me - instead she seemed to go into what might best be described as a state of mourning.

It was a period that was to last months. I was grounded, of course, but far worse was the awful mood of hurt that lingered in the house that far-exceeded the pain of the good old-fashioned wallopings I’d grown used to.

Ten weeks later I received my police caution. We got home afterwards, my mum silently brooding. It really was a total all-pervading mindfuck that I simply don’t have the words to do justice to and back then I couldn’t see an end to. She was just so disappointed in me. I went upstairs to change out of my smart clothes. Suddenly, in the middle of changing, I heard my mum at the bottom of the stairs. This wasn’t likely to end well. She called up to me.

“There’s football on the telly.”

I remember the wave of emotion that caught me utterly by surprise as I processed what she’d said. I stood there, half-undressed in my bedroom, sobbing.

Was this during the Bobby Gould years? Understandable reaction.

[Bored Of Education]

Apologies, couldn't resist.

[HORN]

Bastard.

Very good, by the way.

[Evariste Euler Gauss]

Bloody hell, Bored, that's some ordeal you've been through. I hope things turn better for you soon, you deserve it.

[adams house cat]

Read your postings twice Bored. They merited, no, demanded two readings. They were eloquent, heartfelt and extraordinarily moving.

First, there can be no way that you or Mrs. Education can blame yourselves. It was a masterclass in patient and compassionate parenting. Amor and others have said this but it bears underlining.

Second, Bored Jr. surely must know that he is extremely lucky not only to have parenting like that but to find legal representation with skill, dedication and perseverance. In New Mexico he would have been locked up for sure.

Third, my experience of juvenile offenders is that they are difficult (them glands) but most mature and move on. In my career I only ever encountered one young offender who was too broken to help.

Bored Jr. will come over it. Having a felony conviction won't help his prospects but that is not insurmountable.

Hold your head up, my friend. you and Mrs. Education both.

[Patrick Thistle]

. Anyway, I just wanted to clarify that as I didn't write the post for praise or whatever.

I don't think anyone would have thought you did. I certainly didn't think that. I read it as a cathartic release of being able to just tell people about the shit you've been dealing with.

[adams house cat]

What PT said.

[Bored Of Education]

Ah good, apologies, sensitivities all over the shop still. Thanks for everyone's kind words, support and advice. I knew I have come to the right place.

Personally, I'm on the other side of it. At the age where I am seriously considering if being a parent is something I want. Adoption is also on the cards. Far from being a "cautionary tale", this helps with that reflection. Much appreciated.

Ah, now, again, just to make perfectly clear on a couple of points. Firstly, just to reiterate that adoption does not necessarily lead to this sort of behaviour. Of course, pretty much all adopted kids nowadays come from, firstly, troubled chaotic backgrounds and are in care for a certain amount of time (with the decreasing amount of children given up for adoption for personal reasons like age or marital status). Now, being in care in itself doesn't do a great deal if anything for a child's life chances so there is probably going to be issues there as well as issues of attachment. However, even with all this, I know of many adopted children who have fairly straightforward upbringings even with worse starts than Bored Jr. However, you know all that, I am sure.

I would also mention that adopting specifically Bored Jr is still one of the greatest things I have done in my life (only marrying and continuing being married to Mrs Bored being on a par). Not only for what he has brought us over the years but, even now he can be the funniest, most engaging person with charisma that lights up a room and an intelligence that, while somewhat unsophisticated now, should hold him in very good stead. Even though he has put himself in this position, he has the ability to get himself out and he has actually grown up through a lot (I don't want to downplay that). He also is a fantastic footballer. That is what is so frustrating - if he was just a cunt, it wouldn't be so disappointing. It's the fact that we know this good person is in there - and we are seeing more of him in the last couple of weeks - that annoys us.

Of all the people that we know who have adopted, I don't know of any that regret adopting their children (even one who has done worse than Bored Jr). There are out there, I know - adoptions that break down. However, I don't think that that is solely because of the child being adopted as opposed to birth. I wouldn't say that people who adopt are more considered or more serious about parenting but the whole assessment process (which I am happy to post about if anyone thinks it would be helpful) does make you think a huge amount about it and it is there to prepare you for the unique issues that adopted children may have.

I am not going to tell you that you should or shouldn't adopt as only you know that. All I will say is that we don't regret it even at this point in time.

[Bored Of Education]

Anyway, some funny sides -

Firstly, his first Crown Court hearing was on one of the days that Ben Stokes was at the same court. Of course, he didn't know about the case or even who Ben Stokes was so I had to say that the cameras and reporters that were outside weren't for him. As he came out, with his hands aloft like Nelson Mandela or something, a reporter was doing his report on Stokes to camera with us walking behind. Luckily, we weren't trying to keep it quiet from anyone.

Secondly, the tagman came about 11.30 on the night we came back from the first sentencing. Bored Jr opened the door politely and, being the middle class type I am, I asked if he wanted a cup of coffee. I think he realised he wasn't going to get the reception he normally probably does. However, he then was met by Mrs Bored on the stairs, in her dressing gown saying "Well. This is a bit late, isn't it?". He was as kowtowed as the rest of us are when met by Mrs Bored's stern look and apologised. I had to point out to Mrs B that he was well within his rights to come up until midnight and the shoe really was on his - untagged - foot. Then Bored Jr had to go to all the boundaries of the house to set the limit of his tag - including walking to the corners of our bedroom where Mrs Bored had now gone to bed. "Sorry Mum" apologised Mr Badman. Anyway, Mrs B got her reward when I relayed how nice the tagman thought our house was. As I said, it must be the glittering prize for any houseproud homeowner, the tagman reviewing it well. The tagman was a lovely guy and even set the tag for the length of our extension so that Bored Jr could walk out into our side return to have a fag. However, he was and is still nervous about this so, after 8, you can see him having a fag with one foot outside our front door and the tagged foot inside so he doesn't set off the alarm. Div.

[adams house cat]

Mrs. House Cat and I couldn't have kids of our own and we looked into adoption very seriously. We ticked all the boxes. Professionals. No felonies, not rich but getting by. We stated no issues with ethnicity, gender, creed, background.

We had medicals, background checks and two interviews. Then they asked for $!2,000. We told them that we couldn't raise that. They gave us short shrift.

All we wanted was to give a kid a good home.

Don't take this as self pity.

[The Awesome Berbaslug!!!]

Good God, what an extraordinary series of posts. All I can say to you is fair dues to you for never giving up. Things may have gone a bit astray for your young fella, but in some respects he is very fortunate.

[Jah Womble]

Mrs. House Cat and I couldn't have kids of our own and we looked into adoption very seriously. We ticked all the boxes. Professionals. No felonies, not rich but getting by. We stated no issues with ethnicity, gender, creed, background.

We had medicals, background checks and two interviews. Then they asked for $!2,000. We told them that we couldn't raise that. They gave us short shrift.

All we wanted was to give a kid a good home.

Don't take this as self pity.

Twelve grand? For what? I mean, how many potential adopters do they think are going to be able to pull that kind of dough out of their backsides?

[Patrick Thistle]

At the risk of meandering off topic I've probably had 5 or 6 people ask if Mrs Thistle and I have kids, and then almost immediately suggest adoption as their solution to fixing our childlessness "problem".

I really respect people who adopt. It's not easy and I get very annoyed when people seem to flippantly suggest it because they think we should have kids.

[Bored Of Education]

Forgive me if this isn't your case but I have the greatest respect for people who decide not to have kids. If more people thought long and hard enough about it like that, there would be less kids in care and adopted.

I couldn't believe ahc's story and then looked at the location. Over here, not only is it free but I expect they would bite your hand off.

[JVL]

Come to think of it, my parents seriously considered adopting a child once it became clear that they weren't going to be able to have any more children. This was in the early 80s, and they were turned down - looking back, I assume it was because Dad was a heavy smoker, which even back then would presumably have had a negative impact on the assessment.

Not really much to add to the reactions to your posts, Bored - apart from to echo the sentiments above. Should we ever be confronted with a similar situation, I truly hope I'll have the presence of mind to deal with things like you and your wife have done, absolutely respect the way you've gone about it and I'm sure that Bored Jnr will (or perhaps is already starting to) realise just what it means to have your support.

[Patrick Thistle]

Forgive me if this isn't your case but I have the greatest respect for people who decide not to have kids. If more people thought long and hard enough about it like that, there would be less kids in care and adopted.

This isn't my thread but it was more like we weren't sure what we wanted and then we were told it would be difficult then we were given options but by then we had accepted the situation we were in. I love kids. I adore my neice and nephew. I enjoy being an uncle.

It's just the way people feel that a) they can ask why we don't have kids, and b) then blithely suggest adoption as a solution, that winds me up sometimes. I'd never say never but I'd need to be sure before embarking on that course.