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    The Corporate Bollocks thread

    Daniel from Crowd DNA contacted me at LinkedIn. Wanted to know if I'd be interested in a project blah blah, something to do with brands, ya? It's the first time in 10 years I've been in any way solicited on LinkedIn (I know - it was a mass message), so I checked out their website, and it's magnificent. I've read their three areas of 'what we do' (sorry, their "workstreams") and I still haven't a fucking clue what they do. Here we go:

    1. People & Culture.
    This is where we take the outward view on the world. Thought leadership pieces and commercial sales research; trends analysis and mapping the shifts in cultural orthodoxy; understanding need states, influence, how values are changing and the relevance therein for media, products and services.

    This work relies strongly on blending insight and journalistic skills, telling rich and relatable stories that take into account local market nuances. Achieving authenticity in these narratives is key.


    Got that? Now read about about 2. Brand & Communication
    Shaping brand purpose; readying for launches and new markets; optimising positioning and agile campaign development; the specifics of comms and sponsorship testing.

    We mix evidence with inspiration. The methodologies are diverse and fit for purpose (rather than off-the-shelf) and we like to question what’s really important to achieve in the work (which is rarely ‘do people prefer Advert A or Advert B?’). Our Crowd Context toolkit gives us the frameworks and techniques to reach telling, culturally-informed conclusions.


    Finally, as if these innovators could possibly deliver any more, we have 3. Products & Services:
    We help our clients to build empathy with people, their journeys and their experiences. We work on the development of new products and services – bold innovations informed by an understanding of need states and deployment of value proposition models. We map the paths to purchase and the best places at which a brand can make a difference.

    In-the-moment methodologies come to the forefront here, as do ways to socialise the findings, to truly build audience understanding. There’s an important role for crafting personas and nimble prototyping, too.


    That's it. I don't know about you, but I'm excited. I'm just not sure about what.

    #2
    The Corporate Bollocks thread

    Nimble prototyping for your chimpbox, baby lizard!

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      #3
      The Corporate Bollocks thread

      We work on the development of new products and services – bold innovations informed by an understanding of need states and deployment of value proposition models.
      Hahahahaha.

      Go fuck yourself , Daniel.
      Going forward, like.

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        #4
        The Corporate Bollocks thread

        Sorry, what do they make again?

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          #5
          The Corporate Bollocks thread

          That's superb. I think "need states" is the phrase that truly makes it.

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            #6
            The Corporate Bollocks thread

            Vulgarian Visigoth wrote: Sorry, what do they make again?
            Bold Innovations. D'oh it's so obvious.

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              #7
              The Corporate Bollocks thread

              Vulgarian Visigoth wrote: Sorry, what do they make again?
              Synergy!

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                #8
                The Corporate Bollocks thread

                ad hoc wrote: That's superb. I think "need states" is the phrase that truly makes it.
                My personal favourite is the Crowd Context toolkit. I'll have to get one of those for my grandson next Christmas, he's getting a bit old for Lego.

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                  #9
                  The Corporate Bollocks thread

                  This is the shit they have plastered all over my truck. Apparently it represents the dynamism of the Havi workforce. Smiley thing.

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                    #10
                    The Corporate Bollocks thread

                    Amor de Cosmos wrote: My personal favourite is the Crowd Context toolkit. I'll have to get one of those for my grandson next Christmas, he's getting a bit old for Lego.
                    I'm looking forward already to your snaps of his value proposition models.

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                      #11
                      The Corporate Bollocks thread

                      Oh, that is pure bollocks brilliance. Wow. Much amusement here, and yes AH hits the nail on the head: "need states", indeed.

                      Good on ya though, Amor, mapping the paths to purchase that kit for your grandson. I'm sure it'll help with his agile campaign development, too.

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                        #12
                        The Corporate Bollocks thread

                        Total mindful practice ownership!

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                          #13
                          The Corporate Bollocks thread

                          Here's one that's football-related, ESP Global:

                          What We Do (at least they don't call it a work stream): We leverage consumer passions around sports and entertainment to create and curate experiences that enable brands to connect with their customers in ways that redefine the meaning of brand engagement.

                          Also: We specialize in making brands resonate through inspiring multimedia entertainment and sports experiences with properties/events/talent/media partners. From sports to music, film to lifestyle affinities, we focus on developing innovative multifaceted platforms that embed our clients in consumer passion points creating lifelong, authentic fans for the brands we work with.

                          Someone I used to play football with 25 odd years ago works for them. I think basically they match rich sponsors with rich football clubs, but I'm not completely sure. The last sentence is my favourite - what the fuck is a "lifestyle affinity"? Is it what we used to call a hobby?

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                            #14
                            The Corporate Bollocks thread

                            It's so depressing that there are people around who are willing to throw money at these bullshitting, language-torturing charlatans. And, through the price of goods and services, Jo Public ends up footing the bill.

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                              #15
                              The Corporate Bollocks thread

                              Is there a length-of-sentence to amount-of-bullshit equivalence at work with this stuff? I need to see it the data.

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                                #16
                                The Corporate Bollocks thread

                                They lost me at "leverage". Hearing that they "create and curate experiences" gave me a reflexive reflux experience.

                                Yet even so, you rather expect that sort of "brand engagement" and "inspiring multimedia entertainment and sports experiences" crapola... maybe indeed even the "lifestyle affinities". But Jesus H frigging Christ they made me want to punch them in their smug, English-torturing, bullshitting faces at "consumer passion points". They mean a football ground, don't they? Do they?

                                And as for the news that their client will be "embedded" there, that makes them sound like enemy agents, or, I don't know, tapeworms or something. They could hardly have made it sound more sinisterly insidious and fake if they fucking tried.

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                                  #17
                                  The Corporate Bollocks thread

                                  I quite like the sound of Passion Points. Is that like the G-spot?

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                                    #18
                                    The Corporate Bollocks thread

                                    Giving it capital letters like that makes it sound like a sort of official adult 'brownie points' system, earning tokens redeemable in the bedroom. A partner in a relationship has to try to rack up a high enough tally of Passion Points, perhaps through doing the washing up without being asked, taking the kids to school, providing foot rubs etc, in order to qualify for intimate congress at the end of the week or month.

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                                      #19
                                      The Corporate Bollocks thread

                                      At least they didn't say they were looking for "rockstars" or "ninjas."

                                      Fuck

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                                        #20
                                        The Corporate Bollocks thread

                                        But "heroes", "wizards" and good old "champions" surely?

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                                          #21
                                          The Corporate Bollocks thread

                                          A special prize to Ritual FC, who are making some unspectacular t-shirts aimed, apparently, at some mythical, semi-shaven, male-model idea they have of a 'maverick' football fan:

                                          "This is our passion - our devotion - our identity - our unity. This one tribe - borne from many - bound by an endless devotion. THIS IS RITUAL. Be bold - be Maverick - be the urban warrior and quiet revolutionary.
                                          Lead your pack and reclaim all that defines this, our chosen addiction. BE RITUAL. Stay devoted, stay hopeful and believe. Brush off the frustration, hurt and agony. Know the glory days will surely return. STAY FOOLISH. Wear this passion with limitless pride. Accept such foolishness as the ultimate badge of honor. Welcome to the club. RITUAL FOOLS CLUB.

                                          "RITUAL FC is for today’s NEW BREED of quiet revolutionary, shunning the shameless commercialisation of our BELOVED GAME, striving to reclaim the pure essence of our heart-felt passion: for the everyman, for the FAN, for the terrace devotee.

                                          "This Maverick band celebrate devotion in all its guises: embracing the roller-coaster ride from the depths of despair to untold ecstatic highs of glory. Clearly seeing the contradictions and futility such unquestioning devotion surely brings.

                                          They choose to embrace such FOOLISHNESS as the ultimate badge of honour - and the marker of the true, undeniable and bona-fide modern FAN."

                                          Shunning the shameless commercialism of the modern game at 30 quid a pop. I would never advocate football violence, but if you see someone wearing a Ritual FC t-shirt at the match, please go ahead and twat him. In a QUIETLY MAVERICK way, of course.

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                                            #22
                                            The Corporate Bollocks thread

                                            That shit'll be 3 quid in TK Maxx before the end of the month.

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                                              #23
                                              The Corporate Bollocks thread

                                              30 quid for a t-shirt that says 'fools club'? It's almost too easy...

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                                                #24
                                                The Corporate Bollocks thread

                                                "buy devotion"? silly wankers

                                                There's a lot of this stuff about. It does my fucking head in.

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                                                  #25
                                                  The Corporate Bollocks thread

                                                  I don't understand what their t-shirts have to do with football. They look like something they sell in the shop attached to an American chain restaurant.

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