21st Century nursery rhymes

[Sean of the Shed]

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone;
But when she got there
The cupboard was bare,
And that's the plight of pensioners during these times of Tory austerity.

[Sean of the Shed]

21st Century nursery rhymes

Little Jack Horner sat in a corner,
Eating his Christmas pie.
He put in his thumb,
And pulled out a plum, and said,
"That's the last time I buy a Ginsters, they really will put any old animal parts in them!"

[Sean of the Shed]

21st Century nursery rhymes

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses
And all the King’s men
Were told not to move him in case he had suffered a spinal injury.

[Sean of the Shed]

21st Century nursery rhymes

Ring-a-ring o’ roses,
A pocket full of posies,
A-tishoo, a-tishoo!
Ah fuck these fucking allergies.

[Rogin the Armchair fan]

21st Century nursery rhymes

And that's the plight of pensioners during these times of Tory austerity.

I thought the point of this thread was to update, not regurgitate, the Ben Elton routine from 1987. This Government couldn't shovel more money at pensioners at the moment if it tried to. My Dad loves his winter fuel allowance, for a start - he uses it to go on holiday to Sharm-El-Sheikh for a fortnight (so doesn't even have to heat his house while he's away).

[Guest]

21st Century nursery rhymes

There once were two cats from Kilkenny
Each thought there was one cat too many
So they fought and they fit
They scratched and they bit
Till one could has cheezburger

[Wyatt Earp]

21st Century nursery rhymes

Pussy cat, pussy cat, where have you been?
I've been to London to visit the Queen.
Pussy cat, pussy cat, what did you there?
Guillotined the bitch.

Bit of politics there, ladies and gentlemen.

[Boris Carpark]

21st Century nursery rhymes

There was an old woman who lived in a Parent & Child placement whilst awaiting the outcome of the Interim Care Order on yet another child at the expence of the local authority. The Court sought independent assesment of various useless family members which dragged the case out & diminished the chances of a successful adoption but fuck it, they don't live anywhere near the Judge so who gives a bollock?

[Anton Gramscescu]

21st Century nursery rhymes

Why on Earth... wrote:

Guillotined the bitch.

Harsh.

What's wrong with lethal injection?

[MsD]

21st Century nursery rhymes

This little piggy went to market
This little piggy stayed at home
And this lucky little piggy was reared with care
And looked on the farmer and his children as family
All this care apparently made him much tastier
When they murdered him after a couple of years
And put a fresh tomato relish around his crispy, heartbroken ears

[The Awesome Berbaslug!!!]

21st Century nursery rhymes

Little miss muffet sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey,
When along came a boar,
and mounted her, and fucked her rigid,
Because little miss muffet is a clearly a pig,
as curds and whey are pig food,
and humans don't eat that sort of shit anymore.
I mean jesus.

[The Awesome Berbaslug!!!]

21st Century nursery rhymes

ride a cock, horse...
I'm sorry but this rhyme is clearly too disgusting for children, it's best it be buried somewhere.

[The Awesome Berbaslug!!!]

21st Century nursery rhymes

Remember Remember the Fifth of November,
Because how else are we going to keep
a 400 year tradition of publicly celebrating,
Anti catholic bigotry alive if we don't remember,
Their efforts to destroy democracy by er.... blowing up the house of lords and killing the king.

[evilC]

21st Century nursery rhymes

Twinkle, twinkle, little star...
Actually, that's a galaxy.

[ChrisJ]

21st Century nursery rhymes

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
We've put decking up at this end, with a patio heater for the cooler evenings, and the rest is gravelled over a special membrane that stops the weeds.

"Hey diddle-diddle."
"The Cat and the Fiddle."
"The Cow Jumped Over the Moon."
"The Little Dog Laughed to See Such Fun."
Why are Wetherspoons given such fucking stupid names?

[Gerontophile]

21st Century nursery rhymes

Rogin the Armchair Fan wrote:

And that's the plight of pensioners during these times of Tory austerity.

I thought the point of this thread was to update, not regurgitate, the Ben Elton routine from 1987. This Government couldn't shovel more money at pensioners at the moment if it tried to. My Dad loves his winter fuel allowance, for a start - he uses it to go on holiday to Sharm-El-Sheikh for a fortnight (so doesn't even have to heat his house while he's away).

£200 for a fortnight in Egypt? I want his travel agent.

[Gerontophile]

21st Century nursery rhymes

Goosey Goosey Bang.

[Gerontophile]

21st Century nursery rhymes

'Reign, reign, go away...'

And as for 'The Queen of Hearts...' well, I am sure I shan't go there.

[Gerontophile]

21st Century nursery rhymes

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children she didn't know what to do!
So she gave them some broth without any bread,
And she whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed!

And got done for 10 years. But only after Gordon Ramsay had taught her how to cook the shoe properly, and now they are all homeless.

(Sorry, I like this thread, and am watching baseball. There are lots of adverts...)