Teams I Already Hate

[John Godot]

What concern of mine is it if only six teams have qualified so far, that there's still 332 days to go until this blasted thing begins and that my hatred has nothing to do with objective reality? I already know who I'll be rooting against. (They will all qualify to spite me, I am sure.)

Tunisia
Is there a regular World Cup participant I hate more than Tunisia? Well, no. Oh, Christ, I find them, almost without exception, to be the most achingly dull team of every World Cup since 1998. They scored three goals in Germany to try and soften me up, but it won't work. I hate you, Tunisia, as well as your main export which is... textiles, according to Wikipedia. I hate textiles.

Ukraine
You had your bloody chance in Germany, and although I appreciate the humility in removing the "The" from your name you made me want Tunisia to go through to the 2nd round instead of you and that's unforgivable. If Ukraine qualify and Russia do not, I am hoping for a quick re-annexation so they can sneak in the CIS again and spare me the pain.

South Africa
South Africa will be playing in the opening game of the 2010 World Cup. Opening games are always crap (except when they're not, but I'm not having any of that here) and seeing as I don't know who their opponents will be, I am forced to lay all my pre-emptive blame on the Bafana-Bafana alone. I hope a slightly bigger than normal wind wobbles their stadiums just enough to move the tournament to Tunisia, so I can reduce my hated teams to three.

Brazil
I just don't like dominant teams. There is nothing that pisses me off more (except Tunisia) than watching Brazil do little but scratch their arses in the group stages yet make the knock-out stages anyway by squeezing past hard-working entertaining teams. And some people don't believe in the devil?

What makes these gits so jammy? And don't give me any of that reasonable incisive deduction nonsense. It's probably their beaches. I say we give them Ireland's beaches instead. That would be the fields of rock that erosion decided to skip for another day. Every day. For the last 4 billion years. Throw some unsterilised needles around there too. I don't want to watch another damn Brazilian Nike ad while they hem and haw their way to a 2-0 victory over some team that gives a shit.

By the way that's also my picks for top teams at the tournament. Brazil to defeat Ukraine in the final on penalties with Tunisia defeating South Africa for 4th. On penalties. I hate everything.

Has anyone else already made up their minds about some teams a mere 332 days from this fantastic festival of the footballing family of FIFA?

[Kusal Flyer]

Teams I Already Hate

I acknowledge the possibility of Scotland and the Republic of Ireland making it. Although at least then it would give potentially six extra teams to support...

I thought Ukrainians generally disliked 'the' being added to their country's name in other languages? Maybe because the name means 'borderlands'?

[John Godot]

Teams I Already Hate

Sophia Gardner wrote:

I acknowledge the possibility of Scotland and the Republic of Ireland making it. Although at least then it would give potentially six extra teams to support...

I thought Ukrainians generally disliked 'the' being added to their country's name in other languages? Maybe because the name means 'borderlands'?

Obviously a case of "them" wanting to hide their latent narcissism from "us" then. They probably use the Royal We too as they stumble into whatever space-time warp took them to the last eight in Germany.

[Guest]

Teams I Already Hate

There is no word for "the" in Ukrainian (or indeed in Russian, which shares about 80% of its words with Ukrainian).

Anyway, I'm with John on Brazil. I particularly hate watching them play African teams, because the same thing happens every single time -- the Africans start off full of beans and enterprising play, then Brazil score, then the Africans sag a bit before redoubling their efforts, then Brazil score again, and then the fight completely goes out of the Africans and they start kicking people, and finally Brazil score yet again.

It's as boring as fuck.

[John Godot]

Teams I Already Hate

Thanks for the Brazil-Ghana flashback. Grr.

The commentators add to the pain with their combination of a) shock that Brazil tactics do not consist of ball tricks with a tennis ball replacing the more traditional football as a faux-samba soundtrack plays through the stadium and b) awe at the spirit of 1970 whenever they string two passes together or force the ball into the goal.

Five World Cups is enough. Take a sabbatical, eh? A little vacation.

[Sean of the Shed]

Teams I Already Hate

Greece and Switzerland
They may well have been mentioned in previous threads but it’s worth mentioning again, they are the dullest pair of bus parkers to have ever had the good fortune to have been drawn into an easy qualifying group, and provide less entertainment than a Liverpool - Chelsea Champions league game (last match up not included). Any tournament that includes either or both of these two teams is immediately devalued.

[Guest]

Teams I Already Hate

Sophia Gardner wrote:

I acknowledge the possibility of Scotland and Ireland making it. Although at least then it would give potentially six extra teams to support...

Only paranoid morons would begrudge Scotland & Ireland;there's no guarantee they'd even get to S.Africa and certainly have no chance of winning.

Save your bile for someone else.

[Kusal Flyer]

Teams I Already Hate

What's with the abuse, Gonzo? I was replying in a similar spirit to the thread starter, it was hardly bilious.

But you're right, Scotland and the South probably won't qualify so it's moot.

Sean- are you talking about Euro 2004? If so, Greece had to beat Ukraine and Spain to top the group and qualify automatically.

[Guest]

Teams I Already Hate

He's talking about their current group, where their main competition is Israel.

Switzerland still managed to lose at home to Luxembourg a few months ago.

[Incandenza]

Teams I Already Hate

Italy. Just because.

[G-Man]

Teams I Already Hate

Priceless stuff, Godot.

So munchkin is gonzo? I need to keep up a bit more. Still, good to see that gonzo has used his time off from OTF productively. You can actually read what he's trying to say.

[Bored Of Education]

Teams I Already Hate

England.

Has to be said especially as they aren't going to fuck up so much this time to make us ABEs laugh heartily

[G-Man]

Teams I Already Hate

If Tunisia qualify, I'll have to wish them well for the sake of African solidarity, but that support will be strongly infused with Godotian sentiments.

Naturally, I am a signed-up member of the ABE, but I'd be hard-pressed to decide between Brazil and England in th quarter final. Happily for Brazil, I'd just put on Sky News that day (or the day before or the day before that or the day before that) to settle any doubt that England must not proceed.

I never wish the Netherlands well in football. It was the Euro 2000 semi-final which turned me off my long-standing anti-Italy policy. And I don't wish France well either.

[San Bernardhinault]

Teams I Already Hate

Saudi Arabia. They play the dullest, most tedious football. They almost always qualify. They are the Tunisia of Asia. They are loved because they produce an "upset", oh brave underdog with huge funding and the 12th biggest country on the planet. Well done! You beat Belgium 1-0 with a lucky breakaway goal. Added to the fact that I was at one of their games in '98, and they brought about 50 fans - not itself a problem, but those 50 fans were producing "atmosphere" by playing muezzin call from a tape recorder through a really shitty megaphone. If you thought a vuvuzela was bad, you should hear this.

Next up are Sweden. Sweden, for reasons that are hard to fathom, again get loads of praise. There's some romantic delight that many get when Sweden succeed. Stand back a moment and think. Sweden is a team full of players like Larssen and Mellberg and Ljunberg and so on. Basically, these are English style players who play English style functional but dull football, but not as good. England and Germany play this style of football, but a bit more succesfully. They're in the second division of the nearly-unwatchable north-European teams, along with Poland and Norway. Yellow and Blue they might be, but it's not enough!

Brazil - not just for their players ego-driven madness and all those Nike ads. But for all the non-football fans who, once every four years, suddenly tell you how beautiful the Brazilian football is and how much they love it and that's why they're supporting Brazil. It's the only socially acceptable time for North London's fashionistas to not only follow football, but to be pathetic and craven glory hunters. And they create drivelly justifications based on the fact that Denilson can produce 125 stepovers before being tackled (or whoever this year's wunderkind is).

And, of course, the USA. Just because of the U-S-A chant. Christ. Get something with, you know, melody. And rhythm. U S A U S A U S A. That isn't a football chant. That's the kind of ominous sound that would make Piggy scared in Lord of the Flies, as a group of feral but uninspired 10 year olds try and mimic the idea of a tribal wardance. It's not going to drive your team on to future glories.

[Guest]

Teams I Already Hate

Sweden is a team full of players like Larssen and Mellberg and Ljunberg and so on. Basically, these are English style players who play English style functional but dull football, but not as good.

Larsson???

[delicatemoth]

Teams I Already Hate

All of the above, except South Africa and Scotland, I don't have anything against either of them.

Portugal are ratty-arsed little fuckers who pretend to be skilful but actually play an achingly boring, histrionics-filled brand of rubbish as well.

Actually, it's probably quicker to list teams I will like if they participate:-

Argentina
Mexico
Scotland
Romania
Turkey
Ivory Coast
Ghana
Venezuela
maybe Australia

[Guest]

Teams I Already Hate

Brazil

Once, just once I would like to not see them on the World Cup. They’ve become like that girlfriend which ends up annoying you, who you’ve locked yourself up with over the autumn weekend, done nothing but shagged your brains out, and come Sunday noon when you want to prepare something simple to eat, you begin to pick things out of the fridge, ready to improvise, and you’re good at improvising, all of a sudden she steps in asking you what you’re about to do, which you tell her, upon she asks: “Do you have any Worcester Sauce?”, to which you reply “no”, and she starts to bitch and moan that “you can’t have that without Worcester Sauce, and it must be Lea & Perron”, a thing she does with basically every single damn dish, not always Worcester Sauce to be the ingredient to moan about.

People who like to suck Brazilian players cocks and who claim that a World Cup is not a real one without Brazil should be killed with blunt bricks dipped in heavenly blue paint. A cup without Brazil would allow many annoyances less. For starters, all the fans who haven’t even been near Brazil and don’t have any Brazilian family connection who dress up like they were the biggest Brazilian fans.

Uruguay

I am praying that this tedious monkey squad does not go through. Have they ever been interesting to watch? Not even during the days of Francescoli! And no, not even in that insane Uruguay-Senegal 3-3 2002 game was I convinced they should be in the WC.
They always manage to snatch that fifth position in the SA qualifying group, and end up in a play-off against Fiji, Montserrat or whatever, to get to the WC.

UAE

Enough said
Actually, any side which comes and in the midst of the tournament celebrates Ramadan should be banned. It’s like opposite doping. Are you fucking going to do your best, or fuck around in the tournament?

France

Just fuck off, will ya!

Portugal

Has slowly emerged as Brazil Light, with people having no connection at all to Portugal all of a sudden becoming fans. How I will laugh if Ronaldo misses out on this one.

I’m a bit split when it comes to England

It was one of the best EC ever, this last one, one of the main reasons being that England with the hype was not there. But truth is that England are always involved in one of the most entertaining games in each tournament, and it is sweet to see them fuck it up in QF penalty shootouts.

Norway

Spare us, and Drillo is back.

Austria

I think they’ve actually never managed a game more exciting than the one against Germany in 1982, which says it all.

Mexico

Dear Lord, if you keep Mexico out of this one, I will build you a new statue, make a painting or carve it into a giant turnip, the image of holy Virgin Mary, somehow attach a hose or whatever, make it look like it’s crying and spread the word around the world of a new miracle of yours. Please!

Cameroon

They’ve become the African Brazil, haven’t they?

Israel

The sight of their flag would make me throw up

[Guest]

Teams I Already Hate

La Lanterne Rouge wrote:

Next up are Sweden. Sweden, for reasons that are hard to fathom, again get loads of praise. There's some romantic delight that many get when Sweden succeed. Stand back a moment and think. Sweden is a team full of players like Larssen and Mellberg and Ljunberg and so on. Basically, these are English style players who play English style functional but dull football, but not as good. England and Germany play this style of football, but a bit more succesfully. They're in the second division of the nearly-unwatchable north-European teams, along with Poland and Norway. Yellow and Blue they might be, but it's not enough!

I hear you. It is 90% due to anti-Christ Lagerbäck. I don't know if you saw any of the U21 EC, where Sweden played some very entertaining football, and one can only hope that a good number of those lads make it into the squad next summer.

[Guest]

Teams I Already Hate

UAE

Enough said
Actually, any side which comes and in the midst of the tournament celebrates Ramadan should be banned.

That was Kuwait in 1982, not the UAE.

About half the team weren't eating or drinking between the hours of 6am and 10pm, or something like that.

[matt j]

Teams I Already Hate

All of them, but especially Italy who I hope implode with a thousand times the force of a Luca Toni sitter off the post.

And especially Portugal too.

And... well, yeah, all of them.

[G-Man]

Teams I Already Hate

They always manage to snatch that fifth position in the SA qualifying group, and end up in a play-off against Fiji, Montserrat or whatever, to get to the WC.

Uruguay have qualified just once since 1986, I think.

In 1974 I was not a big football fan yet. I even missed West-Germany's first game, against Chile. The first game I saw was Netherlands vs Uruguay. I was mesmerised by it. That was the day I became a convert to football. For that, I'll always like Uruguay. Fuck the Oranje though, obviously.

[Guest]

Teams I Already Hate

At least twice

[Duncan Gardner]

Teams I Already Hate

Only six nations with populations smaller than Uruguay's have ever participated in any World Cup.

But they did make it in both 1990 and 2002.

[Guest]

Teams I Already Hate

The first game I saw was Netherlands vs Uruguay. I was mesmerised by it. That was the day I became a convert to football. For that, I'll always like Uruguay.

Erm, didn't Uruguay spent that match trying (but mostly failing) to kick the shins off the Dutch?

[Guest]

Teams I Already Hate

windowlicker wrote:

The first game I saw was Netherlands vs Uruguay. I was mesmerised by it. That was the day I became a convert to football. For that, I'll always like Uruguay.

Erm, didn't Uruguay spent that match trying (but mostly failing) to kick the shins off the Dutch?

That's what I always think of when I think Uruguay.