Terrible sportswriters

[Incandenza]

I complain about a fair number of writers for the LA Times' sports section--Plaschke, TJ Simers--but none are as bad as Jerry Crowe. His column is presented as "Text Messages from Press Row." Really it's just a lot of mindless thoughts with ellipses placed after them. He's a third-rate Rick Reilly. Here are some of his gems from today's column:

LeBron James says he bolted the playoffs without so much as a handshake for the Orlando Magic because "it's hard for me to congratulate somebody after you just lost to them." . . .

When else would you? . . .

By the way, if the Magic's Hedo Turkoglu is known as the Michael Jordan of Turkey, do Turks consider Michael Jordan the Hedo Turkoglu of the United States? . . .

Nobody misses Manny Ramirez more than Andre Ethier, who hadn't hit a home run since his teammate was suspended until Tuesday against Arizona. . . .

Though Pepperdine has produced some 30 major leaguers, it's still rare for two former Waves pitchers to oppose each another as Randy Wolf of the Dodgers and Dan Haren of the Diamondbacks did April 12 and again Tuesday night. . . .

The last time Vladimir Guerrero and the running-in-place Angels did not lead the American League West entering June was three years ago, the only time in the last five seasons they did not reach the playoffs and win at least 90 games. . . .

Where's the love for Torii Hunter among All-Star voters? . . .

Those "insights" would be embarrassing reading on a Twitter feed. In a newspaper, it's a downright criminal waste of ink and page space.

[Heliotrope]

Terrible sportswriters

There's a venerated old sportswriter in Philadelphia named Bill Lyon who cannot write about hockey without using the phrase "blade runner." It's like his "onion bag," except I don't know whether anyone has ever called him on it. It's so irritating.

[Guest]

Terrible sportswriters

Stephen Jones

[Reed John]

Terrible sportswriters

These days, it seems that the list of sportswriters who are any good is shorter than the list of those who are appallingly awful.

[Guest]

Terrible sportswriters

Vincent Hogan, Paul McGrath's ghostwriter, wrote a mind-bendingly shit piece about Scottish football in the Irish Independent a few days ago which, in true Indo west-Brit mendacious fashion, tried to blame Celtic FC for that poor man being kicked to death by the loyalist mob in Coleraine the other week. But, in truth, it's probably not even the worst thing he's penned so far this year. He is a godawful writer.

At Indo Towers they think Hogan is some kind of literary genius. I remember, in the days when I worked part-time there, I used to inadvertently snigger to myself when reading his copy on the screen. That didn't go down well with certain people.

[Wyatt Earp]

Terrible sportswriters

How have the words "Keating" and "Frank" failed to appear on this thread so far?

[Incandenza]

Terrible sportswriters

Crucial information from Jerry Crowe's column today:

Thanks mostly to Bill Russell and the Boston Celtics, the Lakers have lost more often than they've won in the NBA Finals. . . .

So, too, have the Detroit Red Wings in the Stanley Cup finals. . . .

Both can get to .500 this month. . . .

The last time the Lakers played Game 1 of the NBA Finals at home, in 2004, they lost to the Detroit Pistons, the opening stumble on the way to a stunning five-game defeat that marked the end of the Shaquille O'Neal era in Los Angeles. . . .

Kobe Bryant and Derek Fisher were there, Fisher as a backup to one-and-done Lakers point guard Gary Payton. . . .

The average resale price for tickets to this year's Finals games at Staples Center, according to StubHub, is $686, about $200 less than a year ago, when Kevin Garnett and the Celtics were involved and the economy had not yet tanked. . . .

Somebody's trying to sell a pair of courtside seats to Game 2 for $59,000 each, but the highest price paid last year was $8,800. . . .

How did Larry Brown let Shannon Brown slip away? . . .

[Guest]

Terrible sportswriters

Agonizingly, Kevin McCarra appears to be both a nice guy and one of the more sane contributors to Football Weekly -- whilst recycling the most tired conventional wisdom with extremely long turns of phrase in his articles for the Guardian (.co.uk).

I think his last article was about Green having to look out for the kind of gaffes that have doomed the last generation of England goalkeepers.

[Tony C]

Terrible sportswriters

vennegoor strokes wrote:

Stephen Jones

Seconded.

And he's an utter twat to boot (which I'd very much like to).

[Guest]

Terrible sportswriters

As I've mentioned before, Simon Barnes of the Times used to appear in every other Pseuds' Corner. Unlike many of the Eye's other victims, he deserves it.

[Guest]

Terrible sportswriters

Matthew Syed

[Kid A]

Terrible sportswriters

Please can we have some more updates from Jerry Crowe, the unintentional comedy value is high.

[Incandenza]

Terrible sportswriters

Sorry, he hasn't had a "text message" column in a while--he had an actual article yesterday, and it looks like he isn't in the paper today. Here's his most recent random thoughts column:

By the way, the aforementioned O'Neal may have been the Most Dominant Ever -- in his own mind, anyway -- but the Big Hyperbolist ran only fifth in a recent ESPN viewers poll to determine the all-time greatest Laker -- behind Magic Johnson, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Bryant and Jerry West. . . .

If write-in votes had been permitted, the late Chick Hearn probably would have finished ahead of Shaq too. . . .

Mind that Summer Bird! . . .

Look-alikes: Michael Phelps and Eli Manning. . . .

Andre Ethier, Rafael Furcal and the Dodgers have lost only once in 12 one-run games at Dodger Stadium. . . .

By keeping Manny Ramirez in the running for an All-Star spot, donning "Free Manny" T-shirts and counting the days until his return, Dodgers fans seem unwilling to condemn drug cheats -- unless they play for the San Francisco Giants. . . .

It doesn't help that Frank McCourt endorses Manny too. . . .

Tom Empey of Goleta, in a letter to Sports Illustrated: "Any truth to the rumor that the Dodgers are going to change the name of their leftfield seats from Mannywood to Mannydid?". . .

Ervin Santana may have given the Angels cause for concern before Friday night, but the All-Star right-hander was bloody well right in a near-shutout against the Detroit Tigers. . . .

The Clippers win the NBA draft lottery, Mike Dunleavy states the obvious, that "clearly" they'll take Blake Griffin, and then the team runs an ad in the paper saying, "We can't tell you who the #1 draft pick will be." . . .

Huh? . . .

You already did. . . .

The NBA and NHL should coordinate their schedules so that, between the NBA and Stanley Cup finals, a championship-series game is played every day for as many as 14 days. . . .

[Guest]

Terrible sportswriters

Texan sportswriting is shit

[Reed John]

Terrible sportswriters

The NBA and NHL should coordinate their schedules so that, between the NBA and Stanley Cup finals, a championship-series game is played every day for as many as 14 days. . . .

That's actually not a bad idea. If the NHL ever gets it's head out of it's ass and finds a way to get back on ESPN, this could happen.

[Incandenza]

Terrible sportswriters

vennegoor strokes wrote:

Texan sportswriting is shit

Oh, okay. At first I was going to say that Texas Monthly is supposed to be pretty good.

One of the worst things to happen in American sportswriting recently was the folding of Play, the NY Times' sports magazine. That was really the only place were really good long-form journalism about sports (they published David Foster Wallace's instantly-legendary piece on Roger Federer, as well as some Michael Lewis and other good writers) was published--Sports Illustrated isn't doing it that much anymore (and when they are, it isn't that good).

[imp]

Terrible sportswriters

Here's an excellent piece by Bill Simmons on why latter-day sportswriting is in general so poor.

[Guest]

Terrible sportswriters

Texas Monthly, the little I've read of it online, is fantastic.

Last week, they briefly ran a long piece on their website about a deranged schoolgirl who got her boyfriend to murder her family. Best true-crime article I've read in years. Unfortunately, in the last day or two they've taken it down and you have to subscribe to read it now.

[Incandenza]

Terrible sportswriters

Today, Jerry Crowe delves into popular music...

In the tradition of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, the Treniers and Warren Zevon, who recorded tributes to Magic Johnson, Willie Mays and Ray "Boom Boom" Mancini, hip-hop star Lil Wayne has cut an ode to his favorite teeth-baring Laker. . . .

In "Kobe Bryant," the rapper declares, "OK, Kobe doin' work/two four on my shirt/he da greatest on da court/I'm da greatest on da verse/going for da fourth ring like it was my first/gotta get da bling/do it for Kareem." . . .

Kareem? . . .

It's not Shakespeare, but at least it's not salty like Shaquille O'Neal's profane rap about Bryant last summer. . . .

Continuing the musical theme, the song sung by the cabdriver and his riders in the beer commercial being shown repeatedly throughout the NBA playoffs is "Just a Friend," which was a smash for Biz Markie 20 years ago. . . .

While the Stanley Cup finals were extended to the full seven games for the fifth time in eight years, the NBA Finals have stretched to the limit only once in the last 15. . . .

Maybe the 2-3-2 format should go. . . .

Darren Helm of the Detroit Red Wings, who will play in his 41st Stanley Cup playoff game tonight in search of a second ring, has played in only 23 regular-season games. . . .

Did anyone really expect Manny Ramirez to have anything deep or insightful to say to reporters this week? . . .

In a Sports Illustrated poll of 352 major league players, a survey-topping 16% said eight-time Gold Glove winner Torii Hunter of the Angels was the best fielder in baseball. . . .

Maybe it's only a coincidence, but Brett Favre's family and friends reportedly have booked a block of rooms at a motel near Lambeau Field for the weekend of the Minnesota Vikings' Nov. 1 game against the Green Bay Packers. . . .

Roger Federer, a man for all surfaces, won his 14th major championship in his 40th Grand Slam tournament. . . .

Pete Sampras, a clay pigeon, won his 14th in his 52nd. . . .

The U.S. Golf Assn. expects to sell 110,000 hats during next week's U.S. Open, some to yahoos who will then turn around and shout "you da man" every time Tiger Woods tees off. . . .

[The Exploding Vole]

Terrible sportswriters

Calling Sampras a "clay piegeon" is straight out of the 1920s, isn't it?

[Hofzinser]

Terrible sportswriters

What does it mean to call someone a clay pigeon?

[Incandenza]

Terrible sportswriters

Well, a clay pigeon is the target that you aim at in skeet shooting. I don't know if people used that as a term to describe someone not good at something; I just thought it was a bad joke.

I love Crowe droppin' knowledge on us all about "Just a Friend." Like someone reading it that didn't know the song would immediately think to turn to him to find out what it was.

[Wyatt Earp]

Terrible sportswriters

The trouble with that Texas piece is that I thought the stuff the bloke quoted approvingly was pretty thin.

[Wyatt Earp]

Terrible sportswriters

I thought "clay pigeon" meant he was good on a clay surface. Though a clay pigeon wouldn't be good on a clay surface, so that doesn't really work.

[The Exploding Vole]

Terrible sportswriters

Yeah. I can't remember a pigeon ever amounting to much at tennis. Could be wrong, though.