Chart Music

[Various Artist]

Move Closer is bril—— ...er, great, meanwhile.

[WOM]

I think the only T'Pau song we were troubled with over 'ere was Heart and Soul, and it was the sort of thing they played on my sister's radio station, not mine.

[G-Man]

How have we come so far in a discussion of worst UK #1s of the 1980s without even an honorary mention of "There's No One Quite Like Grandma".

Another contender overlooked so far is Aneka's "Japanese Boy".

We should disregard novelty records, but listing a parody of novelty records among the worst #1s is a but weird. So "The Chicken Song" should be struck off stumpy's list.

[Lang Spoon]

Startrekkin. Abysmal.

[WOM]

How have we come so far in a discussion of worst UK #1s of the 1980s without even an honorary mention of "There's No One Quite Like Grandma".

Another contender overlooked so far is Aneka's "Japanese Boy".

We should disregard novelty records, but listing a parody of novelty records among the worst #1s is a but weird. So "The Chicken Song" should be struck off stumpy's list.

So you did read Stumpy's list....

[treibeis]

I know two girls (who may now be women; I actually know their mothers better) who are called "Phyllis" because of "Move Closer". That doesn't make the song any better, of course it doesn't, but I wanted to stick up for hobbes - because he despises flip-flops and board games. And The Cure.

[G-Man]

So you did read Stumpy's list....

Ha, yeah. My eyes glazed over at the sight of Charlene on that list. "I've Never Been To Me" is quite glorious. Maybe in a "camp" way, but glorious nonetheless.

[treibeis]

Startrekkin. Abysmal.

The "It's worse than that; he'd dead, Jim" always made me chuckle. If I heard it now, it still would.

[Lang Spoon]

Fackin ‘ell.

[Felicity, I guess so]

I’ll defend Renee & Renato a) because the video was hilariously bad and b) because it’s my party piece at karaoke (when it’s available- I had to do Julio Iglesias last time

[Lang Spoon]

The young woman with De Burgh who looked disconcertingly like Chris De burgh mentioned in the podcast may be his daughter, famous objectionable Irish gakhead and Top Model Rosanna Something.

[Satchmo Distel]

skip, double post.

[Satchmo Distel]

After mid-1982, it gets a lot harder to name Number 1's that were any good than ones that were abysmal. Choosing the absolute worst comes down to personal associations, hearing the record in particularly depressing situations like the weddings Al mentions regarding 'Lady In Red.' I would choose one of the Duran Duran atrocities partly on Le Bon's nails down the blackboard vocals and partly on how it gloated over the death of everything good about New Wave and post-punk. It felt like a cultural death moment.

'Frankie' is in the shortlist because the group and writers could do so much better but went for the lowest common denominator. Stevie just made a misjudgment with the arrangement but I've heard his live arrangement and that saves it IMHO. Foreigner and Starship are on the list because again they could have done so much edgier material but chose to take the Reagan shilling.

Jason Donovan's 'Sealed With A Kiss' (discussed on a previous episode) sold gazillions but the whole performance is a sleepwalk; possibly the most 'phoned in' Number 1 of the decade, and there were several of them.

Obvious novelty stuff is perhaps not as criminal because it's not pretending to be sincere music: Joe Dolce, for example. People knew they were buying a pisstake, rather than being sold a pisstake cynically disguised as a proper song.

The 'Band Aid' can of worms was opened quite well in the most recent 1985 episode. The record and concert encouraged a return to Victorian notions of charity; the record allowed the likes of Simon Le Bon to bask in some kind of golden halo of good works; starving Africans as passive victims of their own governments until saved by the white corporatist rock gods; not even a token black voice on the record IIRC; killed any lingering spirit of punk; inspired a slew of crap charity No. 1's in subsequent years.

Sarah Bee is great in this episode, by the way. The savaging of Morrissey by both of them is joyous, and it was interesting to hear Taylor say that it's obvious now that Morrissey's persona was always very creepy and fake, despite his lyrical gifts. I think they pin Morrissey, more convincingly than any discussion of him I have heard, as a classic right-wing eccentric, whose eccentricity was mistaken for radical genius. As Taylor says, Morrissey never had anything to say.

(OTOH that last sentence is perhaps a bit harsh: I think one of his messages was to have the confidence to reject conformity, which was a legacy of his punk experiences, I guess. This could have a positive impact, such as having the confidence to be gay or trans. But the rejection of conformity eventually was shown to come from the right not the left: reject conformity to multiculturalism and listening to modern black music in favour of being a racist misfit, albeit a gay one).

[Felicity, I guess so]

Joe Dolce was no. 1 when I was working in a hotel kitchen, so must’ve heard it 10 times a day.

One thing that bugged me about it (only one?!) was not being able to decide if he was singing “flunk school “ or “plunk”.

[Beatle Simon]

I equate 'I just called .....' to 'Mull of Kintyre'. Both records were number 1 for ages and were written and performed by artists who had probably peaked artistically a decade or so earlier. Rubbish compared to their best output and very much 'phoned in' (in Stevie's case, literally) but still not worthy of putting on any worse number 1s, in my opinion.

And the shaded part of this musical venn diagram?........

'Ebony And Ivory'

[The Awesome Berbaslug!!!]

The young woman with De Burgh who looked disconcertingly like Chris De burgh mentioned in the podcast may be his daughter, famous objectionable Irish gakhead and Top Model Rosanna Something.

I doubt it. She wouldn't have won miss world if she looked like him. That doesn't mean that he doesn't have a daughter somewhere out there that looks like him though.

[Jah Womble]

If you can write with pathos and humour, then you 'have something to say'.

Morrissey may latterly have exposed himself as a tedious, irrelevant and prejudiced curmudgeon, but back in the day he could do this.

[G-Man]

'Frankie' is in the shortlist because the group and writers could do so much better but went for the lowest common denominator. Stevie just made a misjudgment with the arrangement but I've heard his live arrangement and that saves it IMHO. Foreigner and Starship are on the list because again they could have done so much edgier material but chose to take the Reagan shilling.

But groups like Foreigner would always do some kind of power ballad. They never were edgy to begin with; they were Toto aspiring to be Van Halen and in the course of that made a few decent records. "I Want To Know..." is very much within their genre. And on its own merits, it's not a terrible song. Though if I never hear it again, it'll be too soon.

[Snake Plissken]

I’ve seen T’Pau live. Carol Decker is a really great performer.

And I really like Heart and Soul.

[WOM]

Foreigner trivia: Thomas Dolby was hired to do synth 'fills' on one track of Foreigner 4. He got $10,000, but had to have it done over a weekend. When they heard what he'd done on Monday morning, they loved the 'new' sound gave him $100,000 saying "now do the rest of the album". It's how Dolby paid for the studio time for Golden Age of Wireless.

[WOM]

That was actually Thomas Dolby trivia disguised as Foreigner trivia. I can't stand Foreigner.

[ad hoc]

It'll take me a few weeks to get to this episode as I am running about 3 behind, but I have to say I'm not looking forward to Taylor on Morrissey. He (Taylor) is sort of the star of Chart Music with his viciously biting and clever take downs and cultural analyses. But his affect is also very superior and knowing and as a result I can only take him in small doses (hence my being so far behind). I loathe Morrissey as much as the next man but The Smiths were an important part of my teenage life and I'm not sure if I can listen to a Parkes monologue going "of course those of us with eyes always knew he was a dodgy racist"

[hobbes]

Hold on. Did Satchmo just disrespect Duran Duran?

[The Awesome Berbaslug!!!]

(OTOH that last sentence is perhaps a bit harsh: I think one of his messages was to have the confidence to reject conformity, which was a legacy of his punk experiences, I guess. This could have a positive impact, such as having the confidence to be gay or trans. But the rejection of conformity eventually was shown to come from the right not the left: reject conformity to multiculturalism and listening to modern black music in favour of being a racist misfit, albeit a gay one).

That's what it can seem like if you only look at his very first utterances, but it becomes very quickly that Mozza is rejecting conformity because he is an attention seeking Contrarian.

[Jah Womble]

That was actually Thomas Dolby trivia disguised as Foreigner trivia. I can't stand Foreigner.

All Foreigner trivia should be 'Thomas Dolby trivia disguised as Foreigner trivia'.

Which is a somewhat oblique way of saying that I thought they were whiss, as well. Well, I suppose I can see the appeal of Feels Like the First Time - but Waiting for a Girl Like You and I Want to Know What Love Is might as well be a completely different group.

And Toto were better. Certainly for the duration of whatever album it was that housed Hold the Line and Girl Goodbye, at least. My sister had that.