My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

[Mumpo]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

There is only one rule you need to bear in mind when considering the purchase goods from IKEA - never buy anything bigger than a bedside cabinet. Follow that rule and you'll be fine.

[Femme Folle]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

I bought a bed from Ikea six years ago and it's still the same as when I first set it up. I don't know what kind of wild stuff you people are doing in your beds. And I don't want to know. So don't tell me.

[Toby Gymshorts]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

Lying awake, listening to the Mrs snore. Mostly. It's a wild life Chez Gymshorts, let me tell you.

[WOM]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

Our kitchen cabinets are all IKEA, and my (pregnant) wife and (technically challenged) sister put them together in one evening. Not all their shit is shite.

[Felicity, I guess so]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

I know someone who worked on that project, Felicity.

Not sure if it'll be appearing on his CV any time soon.

So is it design-flawed as well as just badly-timed?

[EIM]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

So, Aspelund. So Ikea. So Sweden. HE who laughs last laughs longest. And I've not heard you laugh for an hour or so. And for that hour, I've been laughing. Oh how I've been laughing.

The tether had been reached long ago, but only today was I moved to vanquish my beddy foe. Only today did I take up the cudgels, stare the bed in the metaphorical eye, and say "I AM MAN. I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED."

Off to Homebase I went. And home I came with a pack of 45mm panel pins, and a section of 6ft by 4ft MDF. I tipped the bed on it's side, and beat the fucking resistance out of it.

My handy structure has ensured that there will be no more groaning and creaking of wood. No more collapses. No more midnight trips to the floor. I am man. You are bed. There is only one winner.

I'm now lying in bed. Safely. I have a rum and coke on the side. Outside there is firewood freshly chopped. I have fought, defeated, and tamed three wild wolves. I have butchered a cow in to perfect steaks. I found a conch shell and made a tune come from it. Fire has been made from nothing more than a roguish smile and a wink. An Ikea bed is now my bitch.

There is nothing tonight that can touch me. Nothing.

[Lucia Lanigan]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

What's the pigeon situation like up there?

[EIM]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

Where I am right now, this minute, there are no pigeons. I'm at altitude. I go out to the balcony and I look down on London. To the west I see Battersea power station. Straight ahead? The houses of parliament, the London Eye, that daft sky scraper they've inexplicably built in Elephant and Castle. To the East, the 02 and Canary Wharf.

But no pigeons. The air is too thin. All we have up here is empty flats, mountain dwelling creatures, and a shop that has an enigmatic pricing system.

If by 'up there' you mean up in Lancaster, well, fucking hell. It's warfare. They've developed a complete disdain for human life. Groups of them dive bomb stragglers outside Topshop and HMV. It's a good job TK Maxx has opened. It gives people a short cut through to the market square without having to suffer the harrowing ordeal of pigeon alley.

[Lucia Lanigan]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

Oh, you're down here again. And it sounds as if you're stuck at the top of the Crystal Palace transmitter. (Perhaps pigeons don't go that high.)

[EIM]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

You're not far off, actually. I'm the hill before that one. In a block of flats that's meant to, but doesn't, look like a ship. And pigeons are few and far between round here. I blame the gentrification of the area. It's all condors, griffins, penguins and that.

[Guest]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

*Beats chest, raises beer can and nods in the direction of EIM's area of Sarf London*

[Twilight Johnny Atom]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

Dawson Heights? You don't think it looks like a battleship?



I love the views over London from up there.

[EIM]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

Looks nowt like one.

[Max Payne]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

They have Ikea in Australia too, but I instead chose to get my house filling junk from Fantastic Furniture.... Ikea makes Habitat's overpriced bollocks look good and that takes some doing.

[Max Payne]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

Twilight Johnny Atom wrote:

Dawson Heights? You don't think it looks like a battleship?



I love the views over London from up there.

Ey up, check out the nipples on that

[WOM]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

EIM wrote:

I tipped the bed on it's side...

What the fucking fuck is the matter with you these days? You want a fucking midnight visit from the Its Police, you do.

[EIM]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

Come here and say that.

[WOM]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

Regrettably,...

[Toby Gymshorts]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

Still, possibly, my favourite thread title on OTF.

Anyhoo, that picture looks like it was taken from the Horniman Museum Gardens.

[EIM]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

I've only ever been there once. There was some sort of escaped rabbit situation. A duck was eyeing it nervously. But ducks tend to, don't they?

Inside the museum I learned that fishes is indeed an acceptable plural, as is fish. It just depends on how many different species of fish or fishes there is.

[WOM]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

EIM came to mind yesterday as I left work. I drove down a narrow alley, and out of nowhere came a black squirrel, running madly in front of my car to escape out the other end. At one point, I was doing 23 km/h and he was pulling away. I don't know if that was fast for a squirrel, but like the cheetah, I suspect their top speed isn't sustainable for long.

[EIM]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

Blimey. That is fast. Are you sure it wasn't a squirrel shaped smudge on your windscreen?

[WOM]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

No. The windscreen is cracked from one side t'other, but it's clean. No, this was definitely a fast-moving squirrel, pulling away from me in a manner similar to those dreams where the faster you run, the faster the squirrel you're chasing pulls away. Mind you, it only went on for 75 feet or so, until he did a 90 degree turn up a tree, where I'm sure he had a shit and a smoke to calm his nerves.

[EIM]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

I reckon he was just a distraction. Behind you four other squirrels were robbing an old lady or summat.

[WOM]

My Aspelund bed is a fucking dick

It's was one of these shifty looking black ones. Toronto has, like, twenty of them for every person. Them and raccoons.