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    Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

    http://www.nme.com/news/the-fall/35786

    The Daily Mail are up in arms about this tomorrow. I'm on the phone to Ben "the face of squirrel hatred" Marshall as I speak. This is just about the biggest load of hilarious Flat Earth news bollocks of all time. The Sun and Newsnight are picking up on the story. How desperate are these people?

    #2
    Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

    Here is the link to the Daily Mail article.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=558348&in_page_id=1770

    I mean, it's not like it's a quiet news day or anything . . .

    Comment


      #3
      Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

      From the readers' comments bit:

      Obviously he has too much free time on his hands now that he has been consigned to the forgotten loser's list.

      - Linda, Birmingham
      Why are those comments always so funny?

      Comment


        #4
        Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

        My Grandad used to collect squirrels. Seriously. He had boxes and boxes of them stored in a warehouse near Westerhope. Thousands of red squirrels captured during the 70s. It's no wonder the numbers decreased so alarmingly. It was fuck all to do with the grey squirrels, it was my Grandad.

        He was a little OCD about stuff like that. The sad thing is we didn't find out for years after his death. Me and my Dad went to the warehouse to finally sort out his stuff, and all we found were crates jammed full of squirrel skeletons. Amazingly, there was one left alive. He'd apparently survived by eating all the others. He wasn't in good nick, we worked out he must have been in there for a good sixteen years. And even if he was fit, there's no way we could release a monster like that back in to the wild.

        After a little consideration my Dad did the only thing that occurred to us. He removed his penny loafer and smashed the fuck out of the frail frame of the cannibalistic red squirrel. Have you ever heard a red squirrel in its death throws? Not a pleasant sound. Almost worse than the noise a burning hedgehog makes when you stick a pitchfork through it.

        Comment


          #5
          Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

          Bloody EIM, I was still laughing from the Mail article, now I've almost ruptured myself.

          I hate squirrels. They think that just because they look cute, they can act the cunt - never mind the fact that they constantly dribble fucking piss and shit all over the shop, and they'd jump in through your window and effectively destroy your home as soon as look at you. Have you ever seen a squirrel tail close up? It looks like the hairy mould that grows on dog sick if you don't clean it up. The only possible way that not chopping up squirrels with hedge clippers could be justifiable is if squirrels killed wasps, and they can't even be bothered to do that, so fuck them. You know, seriously. Fuck them.

          Comment


            #6
            Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

            Is it just me, or does the squirrel in the Daily Mail article look like SR, with the spikes?

            What a brilliant bit of pre-release publicity for the new album.

            Comment


              #7
              Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

              Oh brilliant - got a problem with sciurine vermin? Who ya gonna call? Mark E. Smith and his hedge clippers, of course.

              I know it goes without saying, but that Daily Mail site consists entirely of bullshit and woo. I particularly like the article about organ transplants and the risk of being possessed by the soul of the donor.

              Comment


                #8
                Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

                Daily Mail readers believing Voodou stuff? Who woulda thunk it?!

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                  #9
                  Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

                  For fuck's sake Chris! All you have to do is write something for me that ISN'T about Squirrels and you're fucking hired!

                  Christ give me strength!

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

                    Have you ever heard a red squirrel in its death throws? Not a pleasant sound. Almost worse than the noise a burning hedgehog makes when you stick a pitchfork through it.
                    I laughed like a twat when I read that, although I know that cruelty to animals really is no laughing matter.

                    But by god, I just saw a youtube clip of the opening ceremony for the 1988 olympics in Seoul, where several white doves are burned to death at the lighting of the olympic flame, and lord have mercy on my soul but that is the funniest thing I think I've ever seen.



                    One of the comments is brilliantly deadpan.

                    "Yo they just toasted a bunch of birds"

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

                      Yeah, sorry Carcass. I'll, errr, I'll get right on it.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

                        Fancy a pint at the weekend? If memory serves Wingco may be up for a drink on Sunday.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

                          One law for the conservationists, another for the mad tramps.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

                            squirrel pox
                            How come squirrels get their own pox, and we humans have to have one named after poultry?

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

                              Yes, Carcass, I'm up for a pint - be right up after Man U - Arsenal.

                              Comment


                                #16
                                Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

                                Yeah. If I can get my permission slip signed, I'll be there. If I tell her it's work related, I may get lucky.

                                Comment


                                  #17
                                  Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

                                  Ignore the Carcass EIM - we want more squirrel-related anecdotage. And so should he really.

                                  Comment


                                    #18
                                    Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

                                    Otto Katz - thank you soooo much for that. I'm still wiping the tears from my eyes. That truly is hilarious. Knowing what's going to happen makes all the preceeding po-faced solemnity so much more laughable. Love the comment there about the dogs- oh and the animal rights protester!

                                    Comment


                                      #19
                                      Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

                                      Heh, sorry about the slight thread hi-jack.

                                      Yeah, the long build up makes it even better, doesn't it!

                                      I love the way the producer quickly cuts away from the fire when he sees what's going on, and you see the crowd politely applauding the toasting of the birds.

                                      Comment


                                        #20
                                        Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

                                        There's an extract from MES' autobiography in today's Guardian - it's actually pretty straight-forward in style, rather than (as I expected) pages of incomprehensible Fall-sleeve-notes gibberish. Released just in time for my birthday, too (that's not a hint).

                                        Comment


                                          #21
                                          Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

                                          Extract two today, and highly entertaining again.

                                          By the way, how the fuck do you get the URL link thing to work on this board? [Edit - trying the Not Me URL Technique, let's see if it works.]

                                          Comment


                                            #22
                                            Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

                                            1. Highlight the text you want to turn into a link, and click on the 'URL' button

                                            2. Wonder what the fuck's going on - why hasn't a box poppped up?

                                            3. In the first URL tag, insert:

                                            ="http://music.guardian.co.uk/rock/story/0,,2273649,00.html"

                                            after 'URL' and before the closing bracket.

                                            Mark E Smith - extract two

                                            4. (optional) Shout at the screen cause you can't get it to make the fucking link open in a new window, even when you use the same code everyone else does.

                                            Comment


                                              #23
                                              Mark E Smith - Squirrelgate

                                              I ran into Ben Marshall last night on the London-Brighton train, and mentioned Squirrelgate to him. He said "The whole thing's so unfair, because I'm normally known as such an animal-lover..."

                                              Comment

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