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    Friends or family?

    (I can feel the ripples of the piss lake, dissipate, as I flex my knuckles for this one.)

    Are we supposed to love our family?

    The thing which brought me to the point of writing this is... well, I have a large family. Some are unutterably lovely, some not so much. Some famous, and some who will not remain buried, even after repeated burnings.

    But hey, Esther: That's Life!

    Well, no, it isn't really. Facebook, sister, story about older brother, not well, feel bad. over.

    That's it. I do not feel a fucking thing for this absolute cunt who treated me like the shit from his shoe, when he remembered who I was, and when he found out who I was, ignored me for the rest of his life. Which suits the fuck out of me.

    He is not well. Literally, not well. If the thing that is ongoing, ongoes, he will be survived by a couple of other people whom I liked, but because of his poisonous orbit, didn't get to meet with, often enough.

    So, at this point I could tell you stories where he backed up the 'family' for whatever stupid reasons (he really was the son of my father), but nah, he was a violent cunt, who beat the crap out of me on Christmas Day, when I was about 9, because I set up his (freshly minted) Liverpool subbuteo team (with numbers) wrong.

    He did once kiss my dad, so I suppose there's that. (Yeah, football match, both playing, my dad has a heart attack, he runs, all other 3 brothers going 'What's the rush?')

    So... should we love our family just because they are family? Or should we treat them as humans with frailties, like we would anyone (who also happens to be a massive cunt? I have a big family. I have a serial killer in the family. YOU BASTARD, INDEPENDENCE.)

    I already know the answer to my quandary.

    My aim will be true.

    #2
    I was thinking about posting something along similar lines but maybe not.

    Your brother isn't called Steve by any chance?

    Comment


      #3
      Literally, no. However, I have lots of brothers.

      I should point out that I hope that you (or anyone's) thing... other family models are available. It's an ugly premise to start from, but, I already feel so much better. S'how it goes, EB. And, I am sorry.
      Last edited by Gerontophile; 13-07-2018, 10:36.

      Comment


        #4
        Perhaps it's because all my own family is a continent away, I have a strong sense of family -- though, in part because of family trauma and in part because of distance, it wasn't always like that. My brother is even worse: he lives in the same country and never travelled birth to visit.

        On my Germany trip last month, we put together a family reunion (initiated by the brother in Africa!). By my calculations, it brought together in one place the five surviving siblings (my eldest sister died a few years ago) for the first time sinbceat the latest Christmas 1974. The turnout was great. Of my father's 12 grandchildren, only three couldn't attend because they were out of the country. The one who has a family of his own was represented his wife and kids. It was a superb occasion.

        At one point, a son of my late sister noted that he had lost, in quick succession, his mother and father; his grandparents are long dead... he thought he had no family. And here he was, discovering that he had plenty of family.

        I don't know why that bond matters, but it seems that it does.

        Comment


          #5
          Friends mainly with me,mainly haven't had much choice anyway
          My Dad died when I was 2,he was the fourth of six siblings
          The eldest was an alcoholic,married to another one who didn't care about the rest of the family,my cousins from them are all 15-20 years older than us and I never really knew them.
          The second and third emigrated to Canada and Australia and apart from a Christmas card never really got in touch. I have cousins I never met in British Columbia
          My Dad's younger brother was the one who kept in touch with his family until he went through a nasty marriage split which sundered the family,we've only started making contact with that side of the family recently.
          The youngest,my aunt, stopped speaking to my Mother when she remarried though my Ma sent us down to her house every Sunday and she doted on us,she died suddenly at the age of 42.
          My mother was one of two sisters, after my mother died in 1991 she never set foot in the house again,when her husband died two years ago we only found out after we sent that year's Christmas card addressed to both of them.
          In my own immediate family,my elder brother got redundancy from work about ten years ago and headed off to the Canaries where he's kept up the family trend for incommunicado
          As such,I'm very close to my brother and sister and the friends I have

          Comment


            #6
            Thank you G.

            I spent a long time on a (deleted) reply, but ... I can't leave it in the world of "memory" because mine differs, as there are no supporting actors in the story of my life.

            Comment


              #7
              elg: thank you. "Mein Kampf" does not include you.

              (smiley thing, and something without lip inclusions, as the other kylie has just been hit in the face with a namesake, and decided to cut her losses, and pour acid... no, I know what I meant. Only one Kylie!)

              I digress.

              I probably should have deleted most of the above.

              *I Godwinned early, in the hoppe* that that book title translates to "MY struggle". Otherwise, it's not going to end well for me. Fortunately, I work in a place that sells both tiki torches and fuel.
              Last edited by Gerontophile; 13-07-2018, 11:34.

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                #8
                Elguapo4: I am as close as I can be, to a sister. Always was, always will be. Started off as family, ended up as friends.

                Comment


                  #9
                  It's always good to be close to some of your family,you don't have to like them all.
                  Looking back at my earlier post it sounds a lot more dramatic than it was,I'm the second youngest cousin of that generation and during most of what I described I was busy playing with Subbuteo or Action Man, oblivious to what was going on,it was only when my Ma died that I realised how few relatives I have and to tell the truth it's never bothered me much.
                  My brother's wife's family on the other hand has four generations going strong,she knows second and third cousins and everyone gets invited to every occasion. We're always amazed at how she knows so many people

                  Comment


                    #10
                    x

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Only me and my sister as siblings, 11 years apart and I left home when she was only 8. Now we’re really close even if we only see each other every 4-6 months. Definitely one of my best mates. My dad (step dad by blood but my dad for reals) has loads of siblings (2 dead and one with an Oliver Sacks style alcohol related memory loss) but he’s not that close to them- only my mum and him looked after his mum when she was going gaga) but he’s sick of most of them now. My mum and her sister are close but due to various horribleness my auntie’s kid and her kids are now estranged from us. Which is shit but my cousin is fucking her life for an alco waster. And fucking her lovely but troubled kids as well.

                      I’ve maybes 4 close friends here, but that’s enough for a half loner like me.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        I have an older brother & younger sister. My father died 10 years ago. I have a very good relationship with my brother and an OK one with my sister. My brother & sister don't get on. I thought I had a decent but sometimes strained relationship with my mother. She fell out badly with my brother 3 years ago. He made the mistake of telling her some home truths. She didn't like it.

                        It transpires that after that argument she cut him out of her will. She did the same to me at the same time. Everything, apart from what she has to legally give to my brother and a bit more to me, goes to my sister.

                        I became aware of this 2 months ago when my mother blurted out to me, 'You know I'm giving the house to your sister.' 'Er, No.' Then she backtracked, 'I'm thinking about doing it.'

                        She'd changed the will 3 years ago. Eventually it all came out, after quite a lot of lying on my mother's part to me. Bottom line is my mother reckons my sister is the one that is going to look after her so she's getting the house.

                        'Erskine, I need your sister, I don't need you. Sorry about that. There's obviously a lot more to this but that is the gist. When I asked what I'd done to be disinherited I was told to blame my brother for all the horrible things he said to her. She was apparently so upset that she didn't actually think about me. Or my wife & kids.

                        Now I'm a grown up and I've taken plenty of blows in my time but that was stone cold.

                        It's also all bullshit. My sister is the favourite, always has been. She does have a much better relationship with my mother and she does do a lot more for her. My brother used to until the fall out but my mother denies all that now. This was kinda always how it was going to pan out. I didn't want to believe it but an inheritance was never part of my retirement planning. It's still quite difficult to take being so brutally cut out. My father's oft stated wish was that the house would be his legacy to the three of us. He never made any money in his life but this would be his gift if you like. Neither my sister or my mother see it that way. Or it doesn't suit them to.

                        Initially when this all blew up my sister said she didn't want any part of it. Didn't want the house if it was going to split the family. That tune has changed. She is lying to me also and dodging all around the issue, claiming nothing is settled, the will can be changed. My mother has made it clear to me that it won't be and that it will be up to my sister if she wants to take the house or share it with her brothers. Which is frankly a fucking appalling situation to be put in. My mother is setting her daughter up against her brothers. Does she do what her father wanted and share equally or keep it for her and her family. That's really not fair on her.

                        That's not the behaviour of a loving mother.

                        My brother has no kids of his own but his wife has an adult son , daughter in law and young grandchild. Before my father was cold my mother, staying with me & my family for xmas stated that she didn't want 'that woman & her kids' to get any of her money. I never told my brother that. Until very recently.

                        My wife thinks my sister has 'played a blinder' and was always angling for this. I've always given my sister the benefit of the doubt although my brother hasn't. I'm still not sure.

                        This all came out when I told my mother I'd go with her to the funeral of her best friend to support her. I knew her pal & family. I liked her and her family and I thought my mum could do with support. I think that made her feel guilty hence the blurting out the story. She bitterly regrets it now. Doesn't want to accept that disinheriting your sons is a pretty harsh thing to do that has some implications.

                        She told me just before the funeral and I obviously didn't discuss it when we met. Driving back up the road from Glasgow thinking about it all I thought, maybe this is a chance to bring the family together. Sort out her relationship with my brother. No, it transpires.

                        Part of why my mother wants to give the house to my sister is because she's struggling financially. My mother has given my sister a lot of money over the past 10 years or so, £20K +. I've asked my mother why she's subbing her when my sister's husband's brother is a millionaire. Apparently they'd tapped him out over the previous 10 years . Her problems started when she left a really good flat in the west end of Glasgow to buy a big house in the arsehole of Ayrshire to do up and sell on. Partly to try to make money, partly because there were 'too many poofs and pakis' in the west end of Glasgow. Those were my sisters words to me. There is a reason why big houses are cheap in the arsehole of Ayrshire.

                        I've pointed out that my sister has made her own, bad, choices to get where she is and that she has never actually used her professional qualification to work and that her husband hasn't actually worked in the past 10 years but no. She is her rock. Sorry Erskine, you're doing fine, your sister is getting the house.

                        Now, to be fair, I don't need this inheritance. Things are quite ropey in Aberdeen right now and I am struggling but I can cope and will cope. My brother needs it more than me. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want it but I don't need it. This is a godsend to my sister but I would happily cut a deal with my sister to pay her, or give her much more of any inheritance if it turns out she ends up looking after my mother and so would my brother. But I had thought that would be on the basis of us all working together to do what was best for my mother as she gets older and needs help. She's 84 now, pretty fit and might well outlive a few of us. But there is going to be a weight on someone's shoulders.

                        What I am struggling with is my mother's attitude to me. Lying to me, cutting me out without a thought. She's fallen out with pretty much all her family apart from my sister. My youngest used to champion her, support her, defend her when we were railing against the latest bollocks. But my mother managed to treat her so badly a few years ago that she has pretty much given up on her, even before this. My eldest saw through her years ago.

                        I really don't know how to react to this. My mother has used this house as a weapon to punish my brother and reward my sister. I'm just collateral damage. I know this is a first world problem and plenty of people are in way worse straits. It won't kill me financially but that's really my issue. I really wish my mother was a nicer person. I really wish my sister would have done the right thing and then she'd get the biggest part of it and still have her brothers and her whole family. But she'll take the money and that part of my family will be gone.

                        Question is, how do I react to this? I am joint power of attorney for my mother with my sister. Do I want to take on that huge responsibility for someone who's told me I'm surplus to requirements?

                        And there is another massive issue here. My sister has always defended my mother no matter what trouble she's started, and she's started plenty over the years. My sister simply won't accept that my mother is ever at fault, regardless of evidence and that causes/results in a lot of friction. But my mother has done something, that I recently found out about, that my sister would find so appalling that I suspect even she might re evaluate their relationship. I'm not about to enlighten her, it would hurt my sister more than anyone and destroy any chance of rescuing anything from this situation.

                        It really saddens me. This is going to break up our family. It's not what my dad would want. What should I do?

                        So, Chemin, there's my family story. It's a fucking soap opera!

                        I asked if your brother's name was Steve because I knew a Steve once who had a bro in Edinburgh me and Steve & a pal stayed with once. Steve's bro was clearly gay. I said to my pal..
                        'I didn't know Steve's brother was gay.'
                        He replied
                        'I don't think Steve knows.'

                        I didn't think Steve wanted to know. Anyway, Steve was a big Sellick man and I've always visualised you as Steve's brother. He was cool. Steve wasn't really.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Please allow me to be the first to say fucking hell

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Fuck man. One of the most civilized things Ireland did in the bad old 60s was the Succession Act, where the estate has to be split equally among the children, no matter the wishes of the deceased.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Mam, Dad, Sister, Brother-in-Law and Nieces.

                              The rest of them, with a couple of exceptions, can get right to fuck. Although Erskine definitely wins.

                              Comment


                                #16
                                In Scotland the law says that 50% of the estate must be split equally among the children. But this excludes heritables ie the house. so the house, which is everything really goes where the owner wants. My sister will hoover up the rest as she has been.

                                its a sair fecht as they say. But really, very sad. I really don't know how to react. There is no way my wife will let my sister or mother across our door again. I just don't know. My mother is already using the possibility of changing the will again as a weapon and that just makes me sick. so cut off all ties? You don't care about me so I don't care about you? I don't really want t do that but I 'm not getting into a power game.

                                Fuckin hell. But I'm very uncomfortable about being power of attorney now as well.

                                And it makes me think about my own kids. My mother thinks I should have a favourite, the one who does most deserves more etc. I've always gone with the 'there is no favourite, you're both equal , no matter what'. The unconditional love thing Turns out my ma never subscribed to that.

                                And my daughters are very different. One works very hard and the other doesn't. The one who does work has a better life, through her own efforts, the other should see that as an example, and copy her but she doesn't. 30 years from now should I tell the hard worker, sorry, you've made a life but your sister hasn't so we're giving her everything?

                                It's not easy with kids. I got fuck all as a kid. I had to work. My parents didn't have money so there was no option. I had a chance t go to America on a football trip at 17 but I had to make the money to get there. I suspect if I'd begged and pleaded they'd have borrowed it but that just didn't occur to me. Actually no, they probably wouldn't. It really wasn't done then. My eldest does the work to get those kind of trips and we sub a bit. She's coped with her first year at Uni very well and manages her money well. We're very proud. You could throw that girl into any city in the world with a tenner and a tube of toothpaste in her pocket and she would cope. Because she's worked and she has skills and she can deal with it. She's me. No, She's her, but she's got the attitude and the work ethic that means she'll never go hungry. Very independent. I love her/that attitude to bits because it means she doesn't need to rely on anybody. She's got us, you ken, but she can do it on her own. That means a lot I think.

                                Our youngest just doesn't have that. I worry about her going away the way I never did before. Worry about her managing money. But she has more emotional intelligence. She's a lovely girl, she fills our house and we'll miss her like fuck when she goes. She was away in Magaluf with pals a few weeks ago and turned out to be the sensible one, amongst a lot of trouble. Jesus I just love them both. How could you ever choose between them.

                                I couldn't but my mother has. Fuck her. She's chosen the best one for her. I'm not sure she's chosen right.

                                Apologies for venting. I'm stressed to fuck. Need to get this sorted out.

                                Comment


                                  #17
                                  Vent all you want. I'll put my wife on here and she can vent about my sister, as that's what she does daily over this whole house/inheritance lark.

                                  We're four days away from it all being settled: house is signed over on Friday. But even today, we were clearing out the last bits and bobs and my sister was doing her usual "Mine mine mine mine mine" routine with anything of perceived value. Paintings, nan's silverware, crystal decanter, etc.

                                  I couldn't give a fuck; it's just stuff. But dang does it rile my wife.

                                  Mom and dad were always explicit: everything 50/50, and that's how I've behaved. It's how I'd have behaved even if they didn't put it in writing, though.

                                  But, as I said to my own amusement this week, my sister's eyes were bigger than her condo. She glommed everything that wasn't nailed down, and is now crying that she has nowhere to put it.

                                  Ah well.

                                  It was all relatively painless. No big squabbles or grief. And it'll be done and dusted and the accounts closed within a few weeks.

                                  Now, the issue of Mrs WOM and her brother.

                                  Where my sister and I are both fairly successful, 'first world' and friendly, Mrs WOM's brother is a drug-addled dirt bag who works odd jobs and dodges his taxes. His wife and he are junkies, they live in a borrowed house at that owner's pleasure, and get by on whatever they find down the back of the sofa. They've both lost their licenses, yet drive around in a big Ford F150...towing a boat. No plates, no insurance. And they drink 24/7.

                                  Meanwhile, Mrs WOM's parents have a lovely country place full of antiques, collectibles and tat that he'll do his damnedest to claim and pawn for drugs.

                                  We've begged her parents to be absolutely, positively explicit in their will as to who gets what, but I don't think they quite get it...or don't quite care.

                                  It's pretty much a lock that I'm going to be the executor. They've told me as much, and they've both described me as 'the most decent person they know' and scrupulously trustworthy.

                                  So, some day I'll be dealing with all that. That should be neat.

                                  They've asked for my opinion a few times on what they should do, and I've told them one thing and one thing only: 50/50, but any cash for him should go into a trust that pays him a pension.

                                  Any other way and he'll just break, sell, pawn, inject or smoke it. If they leave him a lump of cash, it will be gone in six months. No ifs, ands or buts.

                                  I've told them this. They already know this. But damned if they've actually amended their will.

                                  Her folks are in their early '70s and could live for many years, but he drinks like a fish and she's had big heart issues and hasn't done anything to mitigate them happening again. So this could all be academic for a long while. Hopefully.

                                  Any road, that's that for now. In a while I'll post about Mrs WOM's father and his mother and the saga of her will/estate.

                                  Neat stuff. Punchline: he'll never speak to his siblings again, and none too soon. Cunts.

                                  Comment


                                    #18
                                    Being smug here, but my old man (79) owns fuck-all. Literally, nothing apart from what's in his flat. My sister and I will inherit nothing.

                                    Which is good, as we can spend the life that we have talking about things that don't concern what happens in the event of my father dying before we do.

                                    Comment


                                      #19
                                      Friends for me, all the way friends. I get to choose my friends. They're the people I like. The people I have stuff in common with. It turns out that I like my parents and my sister; but I don't have much in common with them. Conversation is always a little awkward. But I actually like them. If I didn't, I think I'd not care much about not seeing them. I expect to inherit something - a house in Oxford is obviously not worth nothing - but I'm hoping that it's so many years from now that it's basically no use to me.

                                      Anyway, I'm mostly here to talk about my in-laws, who I've discussed in the past. They can be terrible, terrible human beings. My mother-in-law can be the bitchiest, nastiest person, who often seems to begrudge anyone else who has anything nice. But she's the best of them. My FiL, who we recently moved out of his house in upstate NY where there was dogshit on the carpets and 6 months of unpaid bills, turns out to have possibly maimed a person in a DUI hit and run; tried to sue the city in the 70s as a way of making money; and would have been first-against-the-wall if he was working when the Me Too movement was in existence, there are so many tales of him being a vile and inappropriate sex pest. Maybe not a criminal sex pest, but definitely seriously creepy.

                                      Which brings me to the two sisters-in-law. One of them usually means well, and it was her who was going to look after my FiL. She's not stupid, but she has to stay on her meds. She's bipolar, and has often gone completely off the rails. She's also given to being sexually inappropriate; we're almost certain that there's lots of cocaine use; she once told us at 9am, driving her daughters to horse-riding lessons, that it was OK for her to have booze in a mcdonalds cup in the car as police wouldn't arrest her because of the good relationship between cops and nurses. She's the good one. The other, well, her two kids are in an out of prison, but somehow have 7 kids between them. She's dumber than a box of rocks, and lazier too. And grabbing. Since the FiL sold his house, she has basically spent her time whining that she hasn't got her third of the inheritence, assuming that she got a third of the house and it didn't matter if her dad was still alive. When we asked if she wanted anything from the house before it was sold, she complained that she didn't have the money or time to drive from CT to NY, so we actually paid for her gas. And then she complained that she needed to stay in a hotel and could we book it for her. This was so that she could take all the stuff she wanted, not so she could help her dad. In the end, one of her sons (whose driving license is suspended and certainly isn't allowed out of state considering his parole) drove her there so she could grab what she wanted.

                                      I keep trying to tell my wife to stay as far away from this clusterfuck as possible. And I think she's finally beginning to understand that there's no helping them now...

                                      Comment


                                        #20
                                        So, Mrs WOM's father...

                                        He's a thoroughly decent man who always did right by his mother. One of four kids (older brother, younger brother, younger sister). Ever since he was a kid, he was the reliable one as far as she went. The only one who went grocery shopping with her, etc.

                                        His oldest brother is a colossal dick who made (and then lost) a fortune, and left his mother for dead about 15 years ago, only to re-emerge five years ago to borrow $50K. She never saw him again after that.

                                        His youngest brother is a successful professional (accountant) who was as mean and cold to his mother as her husband was. He maintained a grudging relationship with her, mainly to trot her out at dinners to show what a swell guy he is. He has three ex-wives, all of whom loathe him and two sons who have nothing to do with him.

                                        His 'baby' sister borrowed money off their parents for years (tens of thousands of dollars) and never repaid a cent. When mom said it would be deducted from her inheritance, she also left her mother for dead. That was 15-odd years ago.

                                        So, the only two who are in the will are my father in law and his jerk youngest brother. They were co-beneficiaries...50/50. But in a fit of pique at some imagined slight or suspicion, she made jerk brother the sole power of attorney. So when she hit 96 or 97, he put her in a home (a good move...she needed to be there), disposed of all her possessions (also necessary) and then drained all her accounts under the auspices of 'managing her affairs'. What he was actually doing was ensuring there was nothing left in the estate to be split 50/50.

                                        Eventually she died* and, when the will was read, there was sweet fuck all to 'split' between the brothers. Jerk youngest brother had already inherited it all, by his own hand. All legal-like.


                                        *When she died, younger brother had her cremated and never told the other siblings she was even gone. We found out when we phoned the nursing home to speak with her.

                                        Comment


                                          #21
                                          I would be interested to know how "managing her affairs" drained all the money if

                                          1). There was no specific charging clause in the POA since it is a fundamental principle that Attorneys cannot benefit from their position, barring repayment of (reasonable and justified) expenses;
                                          2). If there was a charging clause, I would still struggle to see how all the money went. My firm is Attorney or Deputy (Court appointed financial representative) for a number of clients and everything we do has to be on the clock and justified;
                                          3). There's also a case for violating the principle that Attorneys cannot make gifts on behalf of an incapable person, and again o themselves is an absolute no-no.

                                          Probably too late here, but anyone concerned about Financial Abuse of the vulnerable should report it to the Office of The Public Guardian who have the power to investigate, even after death. Some fairly heavy justice gets meted out at times.

                                          Comment


                                            #22
                                            Right then.

                                            My mum and dad had six children. I'm the oldest, then two and a half years later they had my brother. Unfortunately, his cord wrapped around his neck and cut off his air supply as he was being born which left him with moderate learning difficulties. A few years later they had my sister When I was seven and she was about eighteen months I walked home from school for my dinner one day. My dad met me at the door distraught, picked me up and carried me upstairs where my mum informed me that my sister had died that morning in a road accident (I later found out that she had been playing the back garden and had managed to get out of the gate on to the 'backs'. A dustbin lorry had been reversing in at the time. She died on the way to hospital).
                                            After that they had three more children - all boys.

                                            Although I was only seven when my sister died, I can tell my mum was never the same again. She was a stay at home mum who saw herself as having been given a harsh deal in life (which she had of course). She felt though that her circumstances had given her wisdom that she didn't really possess.

                                            Eventually we all grew up and moved out - apart from my brother with the learning difficulties. My mum had always been extra protective of him and had babied him to a certain extent. He is capable of dressing and feeding himself, catching a bus and train to Sheffield five times a week (he loves trains), walking, talking, can read and write, and has about a dozen digital watches on the arm of 'his' chair which are synchronised to the split second (it's like the beginning of Pink Floyd's Time every hour). Over time though the babying has intensified. He is now 49 and she puts his clothes out for him to wear the next day. All his food is made for him and taken into his room for him, with his cup of tea put in a position next to him with the handle twisted around so he can pick it up easier. As time as gone on he has also stopped talking. Unless a female is present that he finds attractive (generally blonde and young), he just doesn't say a word. My mum and dad try to guess what he wants and have to look at his face to guess the answer (no facial expression means yes, growling and throwing things on the floor mean no). Thirty or forty years ago, when he was at school you could hold normal conversations with him, but after leaving school my mum has become his primary all knowing carer which has left him like he is.
                                            If you question her about things she becomes furious and has a lie for everything (Why do you turn the cup around for him when you don't for anyone else? Because he has arthritis in his hands. Why won't he talk anymore? It's not that he won't - he can't. It's a medical condition etc).

                                            My brothers and I have basically washed our hands of the situation and left them both to it. My dad just wants an easy life so does what he is told. My brother gets waited on hand and foot, while my mum gets to feel needed. Things have been like this for the last twenty years.

                                            Now though my parents are in their late seventies and my mum is not in good health. Even more worrying, they haven't done a will 'because it's too complicated'. (When I point out it won't get any simpler for us if they don't do one and we have to sort it out, they just shrug). I've had an inkling for a decade that her main (only) concern is my brother. Just before Christmas we all finally had a meeting together. My mum's plan was that we all take it in turns to look after him in our own homes. When we pointed out the holes in this plan (what happens when we get ill?, die?, one of us refuses to take our turn?, move away?, our wives say no?, how would you like to get passed around and sleep on different people's settees for the rest of your life?) she just can't accept it. She once saw a Panorama episode in about 1978 that showed the conditions in a home for the disabled, so she 'knows' that isn't what he wants. Therefore they have never looked at any other options.
                                            We left the meeting with nothing sorted, but I did say that if they want him to be somewhat self sufficient when they die, they've got to start to prepare him now. My dad has finally got him to start washing his own hair (which my brother should have been doing for the last forty years), but since then progress has stopped.

                                            They still don't have a will and there is no plan.

                                            Advice welcome.

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                                              #23
                                              How is your brother's care and or benefits funded? If it's something means tested you need to tell your mother, who seems to be the problem, that when the survivor of her and your father dies, intestate, then your brother inherits an equal share in the estate, with no means of controlling it given the capacity issues described, and Christ Almighty he will be a prime target for financial abuse. I think you have a real problem, as even if you want to do a post death variation on your brother's share to put it in trust so at least someone with his best interests at heart is in control of it, you are likely to need Court consent on the grounds he lacks the capacity to agree to it himself.

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                                                #24
                                                Also, would your mother listen to someone outside the family? I'd suggest a good solicitor to give some impassionate advice but I suspect she would view this as meddling. Possibly someone from a charity might do it.

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                                                  #25
                                                  Yeah, see if a charity like Mind have got advisors who can come out to the house regarding financial and legal issues. The really large health related charities usually have something along these lines.

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