Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

My plan for England

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    My plan for England

    It's sad that England don't see fit to woo me to support them. That should, after sorting out all the other messes, be their priority. Appealing directly, and often solely, to me.

    I am a self-loathing England fan. I don't particularly like the team. I hate the fans. I don't like nationalism and the political albatross we all should wear as England fans. I wish I could ignore it all. But there's something inside me that can't stick people ripping the England football team. A perverse instinct to be protective over my country, as imperfect as it is. And I hate that it's there, because it would suit me so much better if I 100% didn't give a shit.

    But let's say I was put in charge of the FA, and sorted out the mad racism, and attitudes to women's football, and grass roots caper and all the rest. What would I, Sir Chris Taylorchip, do to improve the England team? Well I'll ruddy tell you what. I'd do this:

    1. Daniel Nii Tackie Mensah Welbeck - I'd play Danny Welbeck. Even if it wasn't *actually* Danny Welbeck, I'd make sure it was someone like him. Because he seems like a nice lad. And there aren't a lot of nice lads in the England team historically. A nice lad front three of Welbeck, Rashford and Lingard would be nice, wouldn't it? Three nice lads, playing nice football, nicely. Nice. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Sir Chris. Those are just three United lads you happen to like. You can't build a national team around them" and I say to you "Yeah I can". Better that than John Fucking Terry.

    2. Peter Saville - Remember when Peter Saville designed the England kit? Peter fucking Saville! He put St George crosses of different colours in the fabric to represent the country's diverse multi-cultural makeup. Peter Saville, off of Factory Records, managed to get fat racist lads wearing a football shirt that openly extolled the benefits of a multi-cultural society and NO ONE EVEN NOTICED. It's a shame that at around the same time the FA got fucking Kasabian to launch the away kit at a gig in Paris. I say less Kasabian, and more Factory. Now. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Sir Chris. You can't just pick a kit because he's linked to a famous Manchester music label." and I say to you "You're missing the point here. Also, yes I can."

    3. World in Motion - I feel like I'm losing you here. I swear this isn't just a Manchester love thing (but if it was it'd still be a good fucking idea). But World in Motion is a big, big message isn't it? At a time when England fans were better known for smashing up Europe, the official song was basically about taking ecstasy, loving your fellow man, expressing yourself, not being a violent, right wing dickhead, and also getting wingers to the byline to whip in a cross. Powerful message. There's too much anger, and violence, and war in football, *especially* in English football. Fuck warriors. Fuck trenches. Fuck this constant, insidious obsession with the war, Empire and fighting. Football should be a force to bring people together, not pull people apart. Embrace love. And a midfield 4 with touchline hugging wide men.

    4. Creative fat lads in midfield - Matt Le Tissier was the best English player for years and years and years. He took the piss. Scored from over here, over there, fucking hell, all the way from there. Played football as if he was in slippers and his comfy pants. Then he married someone from Home and Away and that was it. Then there was Gazza, who every time he touched the ball you could see the joy in his face. A player who you could tell couldn't believe his luck that his job was Cruyff turning Dutch defenders in the World Cup. We need fat lads in midfield. Fat lads who can ping it in the top bin from 40 yards. Fat lads who can flick it over a defender and volley in the corner. Fat lads who can pass the ball through the eye of a doughnut. More fat lads in the England team. Steve Bruce was a fat lad. Never got capped. A fucking crime. He outscored Lineker ffs.

    5. Dogs - Instead of all that military bollocks before a game, all those soldiers being all unnecessarily uniformy and soldiery and that, let a load of dogs loose. In the crowd, on the pitch, outside the ground. How can you be an aggro dick when there's a labrador puppy licking your feet? How can you be racist to a steward with a French bulldog on your lap? How can you inflate a plastic spitfire when you're kissing a dalmatian on it's spotty little head? You can't. The dog shit will be a problem, nqat, but a punishment for breaking certain behavioural rules will be to spend all day bagging and binning puppy shite. Two birds, one cup. Or stone. I probably mean stone.

    So under the leadership of Sir Chris Taylorchip would the England team win the World Cup? No. Course not. We'll still be shite. But at least it won't be a complete nause supporting them.

    #2
    I'd also ban golf, obviously.

    Comment


      #3
      I almost fully endorse the Christ Taylorchip plan for England (I'm not sold on the dogs idea, but there must be something similar that doesn't involve soldiers standing around being applauded by lazy cowards pretending to want to be them).

      The key thing to note is that England aren't going to win the World Cup anyway, so we might as well have a team that's not hateful. I am also a Christ Taylorchip style self-loathing England fan. I've hated almost everything about the England team, historically (oddly, this team is among the least hateful of my lifetime: if only the FA and fans and media weren't so vile, eh?). But I still want England to win.

      It would be so much nicer to want a non-despicable team with non-despicable fans and a non-despicable governing body to win.

      Comment


        #4
        I was watching the England v Nigeria game yesterday. Southgate, dressed like a front desk manager at a city centre Travelodge. the England team, all being a bit solid, very unspectacular. The shirt plain. Boring. The same as every other kit more or less. Meanwhile, the Nigeria fans are having a ball in a kit that is either the best or the worst I've ever seen (I've still not made my mind up), watching team that looked either fucking terrible, or fucking amazing. They'll win the same as us, fuck all, but it'll be a lot more fun. Football should be fun. Let's have some fucking fun, even if that just means we're wearing a kit made from corduroy designed by Wayne Hemmingway, or Ozwald Boateng, or fucking someone off that Dragons Den shite. I dunno.

        Comment


          #5
          Danny Welbeck plays for Arsenal.
          What's happening in your pub during the world cup? I think we should have an OTF outing. Who's coming? and what will the snacks be, EIM?

          Comment


            #6
            I'm televising all games. Snacks will depend on who is playing at the time. I'm theming it. Looking forward to Morocco v Spain for hummus and chorizo.

            Comment


              #7
              wow
              can you post advance menus on here? As a number of us be travelling from London we'll need to choose games in advance by a taste-ometer which rates on and off pitch appeal.

              If you choose from the hummus menu are you also allowed to choose the chorizo?

              Also can we pre-book Brian McClair?

              Comment


                #8
                Brian has said he'll pop in already. His story about the Winterburn stramash is VERY funny. There'll be chorizo AND hummus. You choose, I provide both. I'll post a full list of snacks on another thread, I guess. It's the sort of thing I start off very enthusiastic about, then get bored and find a reason why every country should be crisps.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Dogs. No, ta.

                  And Danny Welbeck. No, ta, either.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    It's not actually Danny Welbeck. Danny Welbeck is a totem. An ideal. A symbol for not filling the team with fucking dickheads.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by EIM View Post
                      Brian has said he'll pop in already. His story about the Winterburn stramash is VERY funny. There'll be chorizo AND hummus. You choose, I provide both. I'll post a full list of snacks on another thread, I guess. It's the sort of thing I start off very enthusiastic about, then get bored and find a reason why every country should be crisps.
                      Just to get you started:
                      England - Salt and Vinegar flavour
                      France - Cheese and onion flavour
                      Denmark - Smokey Bacon flavour
                      Iceland - Scampi fries
                      Mexico - Doritos
                      Japan - prawn crackers
                      Russia - Highly poisonous toxic waste, or maybe the toss blocks out of the urinal

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Last time round one of the crisp manufacturers here (and by here, I assume everywhere as it would have been one of those international brands like Lays or Chio) did flavours for the World Cup. Like they had feijoada for Brazil, and bratwurst for Germany. (Something like that anyway)

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Originally posted by EIM View Post
                          Peter Saville - Remember when Peter Saville designed the England kit?
                          Not just the kit...

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Originally posted by Sean of the Shed View Post
                            Russia - Highly poisonous toxic waste...
                            Pickled Onion Monster Munch, then?

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Originally posted by Nefertiti2 View Post
                              wow
                              can you post advance menus on here? As a number of us be travelling from London we'll need to choose games in advance by a taste-ometer which rates on and off pitch appeal.

                              If you choose from the hummus menu are you also allowed to choose the chorizo?

                              Also can we pre-book Brian McClair?
                              Is that so we can decide to go to the Circus Tavern instead?

                              (Or that "Rubbish Lees one on the corner"*, whatever that one's called)


                              * i.e. I've been in it once about eight years ago and on that occasion the beer was horrible

                              Comment


                                #16
                                It's a Joey Holts on the corner, not a Lees.

                                Comment


                                  #17
                                  Originally posted by Mumpo View Post
                                  Not just the kit...

                                  Blimey. It really wasn't his best work, was it?

                                  Comment


                                    #18
                                    Originally posted by EIM View Post
                                    It's a Joey Holts on the corner, not a Lees.
                                    It was still, based on my one and only visit.

                                    Fucking shit.

                                    Comment


                                      #19
                                      I go to more low level non-league games these days than Orient because I can take the hound along. He loves getting fed chips & shit by strangers near the burger van/tea bar. Dogs at league games would be ace.

                                      As for themed food for WC games, I’m sure EIM’ll be able to come up with some bollocks to convince the punters that pickled eggs are the national dish of every competing country once you’ve got fed up of prepping more exotic dishes.

                                      Comment


                                        #20
                                        Almost every country has a national cheese, if you search hard enough. Too few pubs put out bowls of cubed cheese as a bar snack now, imho. Used to be all the rage in the 80s.

                                        Comment


                                          #21
                                          I presume he wants to attract people to the pub, not drive them away

                                          Comment


                                            #22
                                            Heh. It wouldnt be a proper tournament without our recurring sajt pron shite gag

                                            Comment


                                              #23
                                              Originally posted by slackster View Post
                                              I go to more low level non-league games these days than Orient because I can take the hound along. He loves getting fed chips & shit by strangers near the burger van/tea bar. Dogs at league games would be ace.
                                              I've always thought that would be nice, but my dog can't sit still for more than an inning of high school baseball without crying that he wants to move on. He'd like getting treats, but I doubt he'd sit peacefully for 90 minutes. He'd want to go greet every other living thing in the ground.

                                              Comment


                                                #24
                                                The great thing about non-league over here, HP - and we’re talking about level 7 and below, really, where crowds rarely reach 4 figures - is you can mooch around the perimeter of the pitch mostly, with a beer in hand, and gawp at the tattiness of the place and the often crazy cast of regulars, as well as chuckle at the rubbish football, but still enjoy a usually well-contested match. Like living a BB&F blog, if you will.

                                                Still, I think my Lab would be quite happy to curl up & kip under my legs in the stands of an all-seater stadium - provided he got some attention and treats from those around us.

                                                Comment


                                                  #25
                                                  At the end of April I watched Maltby Main v Pontefract Collieries at which they were making an attempt to break the record for most dogs at a non-league game. They were successful and ended up with about 75 dogs in attendance (and around twice that many humans).

                                                  Comment

                                                  Working...
                                                  X