It's sad that England don't see fit to woo me to support them. That should, after sorting out all the other messes, be their priority. Appealing directly, and often solely, to me.
I am a self-loathing England fan. I don't particularly like the team. I hate the fans. I don't like nationalism and the political albatross we all should wear as England fans. I wish I could ignore it all. But there's something inside me that can't stick people ripping the England football team. A perverse instinct to be protective over my country, as imperfect as it is. And I hate that it's there, because it would suit me so much better if I 100% didn't give a shit.
But let's say I was put in charge of the FA, and sorted out the mad racism, and attitudes to women's football, and grass roots caper and all the rest. What would I, Sir Chris Taylorchip, do to improve the England team? Well I'll ruddy tell you what. I'd do this:
1. Daniel Nii Tackie Mensah Welbeck - I'd play Danny Welbeck. Even if it wasn't *actually* Danny Welbeck, I'd make sure it was someone like him. Because he seems like a nice lad. And there aren't a lot of nice lads in the England team historically. A nice lad front three of Welbeck, Rashford and Lingard would be nice, wouldn't it? Three nice lads, playing nice football, nicely. Nice. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Sir Chris. Those are just three United lads you happen to like. You can't build a national team around them" and I say to you "Yeah I can". Better that than John Fucking Terry.
2. Peter Saville - Remember when Peter Saville designed the England kit? Peter fucking Saville! He put St George crosses of different colours in the fabric to represent the country's diverse multi-cultural makeup. Peter Saville, off of Factory Records, managed to get fat racist lads wearing a football shirt that openly extolled the benefits of a multi-cultural society and NO ONE EVEN NOTICED. It's a shame that at around the same time the FA got fucking Kasabian to launch the away kit at a gig in Paris. I say less Kasabian, and more Factory. Now. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Sir Chris. You can't just pick a kit because he's linked to a famous Manchester music label." and I say to you "You're missing the point here. Also, yes I can."
3. World in Motion - I feel like I'm losing you here. I swear this isn't just a Manchester love thing (but if it was it'd still be a good fucking idea). But World in Motion is a big, big message isn't it? At a time when England fans were better known for smashing up Europe, the official song was basically about taking ecstasy, loving your fellow man, expressing yourself, not being a violent, right wing dickhead, and also getting wingers to the byline to whip in a cross. Powerful message. There's too much anger, and violence, and war in football, *especially* in English football. Fuck warriors. Fuck trenches. Fuck this constant, insidious obsession with the war, Empire and fighting. Football should be a force to bring people together, not pull people apart. Embrace love. And a midfield 4 with touchline hugging wide men.
4. Creative fat lads in midfield - Matt Le Tissier was the best English player for years and years and years. He took the piss. Scored from over here, over there, fucking hell, all the way from there. Played football as if he was in slippers and his comfy pants. Then he married someone from Home and Away and that was it. Then there was Gazza, who every time he touched the ball you could see the joy in his face. A player who you could tell couldn't believe his luck that his job was Cruyff turning Dutch defenders in the World Cup. We need fat lads in midfield. Fat lads who can ping it in the top bin from 40 yards. Fat lads who can flick it over a defender and volley in the corner. Fat lads who can pass the ball through the eye of a doughnut. More fat lads in the England team. Steve Bruce was a fat lad. Never got capped. A fucking crime. He outscored Lineker ffs.
5. Dogs - Instead of all that military bollocks before a game, all those soldiers being all unnecessarily uniformy and soldiery and that, let a load of dogs loose. In the crowd, on the pitch, outside the ground. How can you be an aggro dick when there's a labrador puppy licking your feet? How can you be racist to a steward with a French bulldog on your lap? How can you inflate a plastic spitfire when you're kissing a dalmatian on it's spotty little head? You can't. The dog shit will be a problem, nqat, but a punishment for breaking certain behavioural rules will be to spend all day bagging and binning puppy shite. Two birds, one cup. Or stone. I probably mean stone.
So under the leadership of Sir Chris Taylorchip would the England team win the World Cup? No. Course not. We'll still be shite. But at least it won't be a complete nause supporting them.
I am a self-loathing England fan. I don't particularly like the team. I hate the fans. I don't like nationalism and the political albatross we all should wear as England fans. I wish I could ignore it all. But there's something inside me that can't stick people ripping the England football team. A perverse instinct to be protective over my country, as imperfect as it is. And I hate that it's there, because it would suit me so much better if I 100% didn't give a shit.
But let's say I was put in charge of the FA, and sorted out the mad racism, and attitudes to women's football, and grass roots caper and all the rest. What would I, Sir Chris Taylorchip, do to improve the England team? Well I'll ruddy tell you what. I'd do this:
1. Daniel Nii Tackie Mensah Welbeck - I'd play Danny Welbeck. Even if it wasn't *actually* Danny Welbeck, I'd make sure it was someone like him. Because he seems like a nice lad. And there aren't a lot of nice lads in the England team historically. A nice lad front three of Welbeck, Rashford and Lingard would be nice, wouldn't it? Three nice lads, playing nice football, nicely. Nice. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Sir Chris. Those are just three United lads you happen to like. You can't build a national team around them" and I say to you "Yeah I can". Better that than John Fucking Terry.
2. Peter Saville - Remember when Peter Saville designed the England kit? Peter fucking Saville! He put St George crosses of different colours in the fabric to represent the country's diverse multi-cultural makeup. Peter Saville, off of Factory Records, managed to get fat racist lads wearing a football shirt that openly extolled the benefits of a multi-cultural society and NO ONE EVEN NOTICED. It's a shame that at around the same time the FA got fucking Kasabian to launch the away kit at a gig in Paris. I say less Kasabian, and more Factory. Now. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Sir Chris. You can't just pick a kit because he's linked to a famous Manchester music label." and I say to you "You're missing the point here. Also, yes I can."
3. World in Motion - I feel like I'm losing you here. I swear this isn't just a Manchester love thing (but if it was it'd still be a good fucking idea). But World in Motion is a big, big message isn't it? At a time when England fans were better known for smashing up Europe, the official song was basically about taking ecstasy, loving your fellow man, expressing yourself, not being a violent, right wing dickhead, and also getting wingers to the byline to whip in a cross. Powerful message. There's too much anger, and violence, and war in football, *especially* in English football. Fuck warriors. Fuck trenches. Fuck this constant, insidious obsession with the war, Empire and fighting. Football should be a force to bring people together, not pull people apart. Embrace love. And a midfield 4 with touchline hugging wide men.
4. Creative fat lads in midfield - Matt Le Tissier was the best English player for years and years and years. He took the piss. Scored from over here, over there, fucking hell, all the way from there. Played football as if he was in slippers and his comfy pants. Then he married someone from Home and Away and that was it. Then there was Gazza, who every time he touched the ball you could see the joy in his face. A player who you could tell couldn't believe his luck that his job was Cruyff turning Dutch defenders in the World Cup. We need fat lads in midfield. Fat lads who can ping it in the top bin from 40 yards. Fat lads who can flick it over a defender and volley in the corner. Fat lads who can pass the ball through the eye of a doughnut. More fat lads in the England team. Steve Bruce was a fat lad. Never got capped. A fucking crime. He outscored Lineker ffs.
5. Dogs - Instead of all that military bollocks before a game, all those soldiers being all unnecessarily uniformy and soldiery and that, let a load of dogs loose. In the crowd, on the pitch, outside the ground. How can you be an aggro dick when there's a labrador puppy licking your feet? How can you be racist to a steward with a French bulldog on your lap? How can you inflate a plastic spitfire when you're kissing a dalmatian on it's spotty little head? You can't. The dog shit will be a problem, nqat, but a punishment for breaking certain behavioural rules will be to spend all day bagging and binning puppy shite. Two birds, one cup. Or stone. I probably mean stone.
So under the leadership of Sir Chris Taylorchip would the England team win the World Cup? No. Course not. We'll still be shite. But at least it won't be a complete nause supporting them.
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