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The honest manager's post match interview

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    #26
    I haven't thought about my time at the club and that is in the past. But I have seen the villa it paid for.

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      #27
      Why did I take the Sunderland job? I lost my fucking mind, that's why.

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        #28
        I know he's a good stone overweight and hasn't scored in twelve matches, but who the fuck else do I have? Richie, yeah, he's scored goals in the lower leagues but averages one every half a season in the Big Boys League, I only bring him on because he needs the appearance fee to fund his gambling addiction. That Chinese lad? Sure, he's been at the club nearly a year but he's still settling in. Doesn't speak a word of English. Nor Italian, Spanish, Portuguese or Dutch now I come to think of it. How's he supposed to communicate with his team mates? Fuck me, we only signed him to keep the sponsors happy. Promising teenage striker? Giving youth a chance? What kind of idiot do you take me for? How is he going to cope in a man's game?

        Nah, we'll what we've done all season. Look to pinch one at a set piece and stick ten men behind the ball if we manage it. Christ knows what we'll do if they score first.

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          #29
          Originally posted by nmrfox View Post
          I really, really don't have a fucking clue what I'm doing but the salary is great and I'll get a fucking huge payoff when those twats in the boardroom realise what a big fucking mistake they made hiring me in the first place. Have you met my dog?
          Hur! Hur! Hur! Know what I mean, 'Arry?

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            #30
            How far can we go in this competition? Not very. We're shitting ourselves that we'll have to face a decent team in the round of 16.

            But if we are losing in the round of 16 or the quarters I've got a secret signal I'll give to Wayne. When he sees it he's to get himself sent off immediately. That'll cloud the issue a little and deflect attention from my bizarre selections and tactical naivety.

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              #31
              I'd never seen the lad until he signed for us, but my agent told me he was alright and his mate, who owns the club we signed him from, has said I can borrow his island for a week next summer. Now I will admit I was surprised when he turned up and he only had one leg, but the marketing boys tell me it's really going to help the partnership with the club's new prosthetic leg supplier. And there's so much space for sponsor's logos on his guide dogs bib.

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                #32
                If only wingco were still here...

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                  #33
                  Well, thank you, but we didn't deserve that win. They played the better Football than us, and we only got by by a combination of desperation defending, lucky ricochets and, on four occasions, unusually panicky finishing from their striker. He is usually so much more composed and dead-eyed than that. We had a plan to prevent him getting those sort of chances and it failed nearly completely, but fortunately, fortunately...
                  By contrast, Marcel hasn't been able to hit a barn door for months. I only put him on the bench due to others being unavailable, and threw him on as the sole forward option available to me. My confidence in him taking any opportunity that came his way was rock bottom, but that was only a half-chance and his finish was brilliant, though I'm not sure how deliberate it was. You could see the surprise on his face when it went in. A sharp opening like that may be where he is most effective - no time to think about it.
                  Run that game through a dozen times, and we only win it once. So I'm very grateful for our luck, but we have to play better next week because we were poor today. The team's video analysis session of this one is likely to be somewhat drawn-out and painful.
                  Last edited by Janik; 10-01-2018, 10:06.

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                    #34
                    I briefed the boys beforehand and told them to sit back, pack the defence and hope not to concede. Then maybe luck something on the break at some point during the 90 minutes. We just had Wazza on his own up front in case a long ball bounced his way but even he had to come back for set pieces.

                    Then of course Mario decides to be the big hero and hares off down the left wing trying to go past three of their midfielders. Got his hopes on a transfer in the window I reckon. So Big Del thinks he'd better follow him and suddenly the rest off them are panicking, running around like headless chickens. Mario tries to nutmeg the guy they payed fifty million for, and ten seconds later we're 1-0 down.

                    I tried to calm them down but after that they'd basically lost it. I was relieved it was only 6-0.

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                      #35
                      Oh, god, yeah, never really expected the phone call back or the job offer, so I'm chuffed to be back in football. All very surprising really, considering I was as useful as men's tits in my last three jobs (okay, I got them relegated in the last two, but, hey, life's not all success, is it?). What am I going to do with the present lot? Well, I'm not thinking of promotion charges because I shot my bolt long ago at doing that, so I think a relegation scrap should do it. I can always plead that I had my hands tied by not being given enough money for transfers (that worked the last time) or being given enough time (a sure-fire get out of jail card, that one), so I've got my excuses ready even before I've started. Terrific. What's that 'a new challenge?', hah, yeah, I could say that but you lot know it'd be bollocks, wouldn't you?

                      Yeah, I'll miss having free Saturday afternoons. That Merse is one funny bloke, isn't he?

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                        #36
                        Oh God, what's the point of it all? Just sack me now, it's early November and it's clear to anyone who cares about the club anymore that I am telegraphing it in, never mind phoning.

                        Just put me out of my misery instead of prolonging the agony until mid December. I'm tired of being called a useless fucking cunt every time I do my job in public. I'm tired of churning out the platitudes to the media and as for having to think of something positive for the club's official channels, fuck it, I've got nothing left to give.

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                          #37
                          Yes, of course I could see it was a foul. Everyone in the ground could see it was a foul! Wasn't it a great fuckin' hit?

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                            #38
                            Assuming that Arsenal get the T.A.H. that they deserve, tonight, here's my prediction for Arsene Wenger, afterwards:

                            "I don't know who you are, who I am, where I am or what that device you're holding in front of me is, but I can tell you this: those defenders were not my purchases. The defenders never are. Except for Laurent Koscielny. I was so pleased that he set up those 3 goals, tonight. Or I was, until I was told that they were goals that the opposition scored. I believe he deserves to be given another chance to redeem himself ...or 50 chances ...or 300. I can't imagine the team without him, frankly. Whether my successor comes in next decade and tears up Koscielny's contract and pushes him down the stairs on his first day in charge, I can't say. But there'll always be a place for him in my mouth ...I mean squad! What my team - sorry, 'this team' - needs now is more midfielders - attacking ones, specifically - with good lateral passing skills. You can never have enough of those. Time will prove me right. You say the window is currently open? Well, as soon as I've blamed the match officials for everything and finished mumbling platitudes at you, I'm going to make sure I jolly well close it! The slightest draught and I could catch pneumonia, you know! Then I'll be off for my weekly spine-straightening, eye drops, pain killers and vocal cord scraping. See you next week, year, decade, century."

                            (edit: Disclaimer - I hadn't seen the lineups at the time of posting!)
                            Last edited by evilC; 10-01-2018, 19:32.

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                              #39
                              Yeah, look, I know I'm famous as an ex-player. But these days I mostly bore people on television with trite, inane comments that show I have no deep understanding of the game at all. I have no experience managing anything, let alone a top level football team. I've no idea why fans think that former players for a particular team have some special insight in how to get that team to win. And I certainly have no fucking idea what I'm doing here. People really had better lower their expectations now.

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                                #40
                                Originally posted by San Bernardhinault View Post
                                Yeah, look, I know I'm famous as an ex-player. But these days I mostly bore people on television with trite, inane comments that show I have no deep understanding of the game at all. I have no experience managing anything, let alone a top level football team. I've no idea why fans think that former players for a particular team have some special insight in how to get that team to win. And I certainly have no fucking idea what I'm doing here. People really had better lower their expectations now.
                                I've never heard Ryan Giggs string that many words together - his press conference today will mostly be tumbleweeds and the faint sound of crickets chirping.

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