The honest manager's post match interview

[lackedpunch]

We know it's always easy coming here and getting a result. They're a crap team and they've not got much quality anywhere. We all said before the game that it would be easy and we were right. It would've been stupid of us to overestimate them.

The first twenty minutes were easy and after we scored the first goal it got even easier. We only made any kind of an effort in the first half.

We've won today and that means we can take it easy. Bollocks to worrying about the next game. We're a few points clear at the top and nobody can catch us now. It's in the bag.

[Sits]

I like that.

[SouthdownRebel]

We had to work really hard in training this week. Those elaborate goal celebrations don't create themselves.

It was an easy decision to leave him out today. He was crap on Saturday and frankly his attitude stinks.

[Auntie Beryl]

I'm out of my depth here and my reputation is far larger than my ability to deliver.

The club want shot of me and I hear Paris is nice.

[nmrfox]

I really, really don't have a fucking clue what I'm doing but the salary is great and I'll get a fucking huge payoff when those twats in the boardroom realise what a big fucking mistake they made hiring me in the first place. Have you met my dog?

[Snake Plissken]

Well, Brian, I completely ballsed that one up from the start. Picking that formation was never going to work and played completely to their strengths. The sending off didn't help, but to be honest, Jonno and Robbo were always going to come to blows as Robbo admitted in training this week that he'd been nobbing Jonnos wife behind his back. I thought they would take it out on the opposition but no, it wasn't to be. Still, it was a good right hook, wasn't it? If the rest of the team show that kind of fight then we might escape the drop.

[San Bernardhinault]

Fuck me, that was terrible. Not just the players, who I expect to be useless - and I know, you know, and they know we're going down even though we're only 5 weeks into the new season. Our groundsman is useless and the pitch was a mess (frankly, playing in a mire was the only reason we didn't lose by more). And the fans, don't get me started on the fans with their tiresome, trite, silly, racist, sexist, pointless songs. God, they drive me nuts. 12th man? Ha! The sandwich munchers in the massively overpriced boxes on their corporate freebies create a more enjoyable atmosphere than the wankers in the Main Stand. And the stadium itself is an embarrassment. The board might have spent millions redeveloping it, but it's just utterly shit. How the fuck I've not got the sack yet is beyond me, but that's got to reflect how useless the board is. Let's go and get wasted.

[elguapo4]

Of course he deserved to get sent off, everyone knows he's that kind of player

[SouthdownRebel]

I realise it's only a matter of time, but I'm hanging on for my severance package. It should be obvious to you that I gave up weeks ago and I've just been going through the motions but then you're all so pig ignorant that perhaps you can't see what's plain for anyone with half a brain cell to see. I'm not going to waste my time stood here answering your patronising questions. I despise you and would happily punch you in the face without a second thought if I thought I could get away with it.

[Snake Plissken]

That's not even a question, it's just a leading statement. Honestly, did they not teach you anything at journalism school? But I'm not going to be too hard on you s the real reason for us losing was I made the wrong substitutions and at the wrong time, but thanks for giving me the easy out of blaming the officiating.

[SouthdownRebel]

The fans are right, the referee is a wanker.

[Bored Of Education]

I didn't realise I hadn't picked a keeper until the wife told me.

[tee rex]

Am I annoyed by idiots chanting "you don't know what you're doing"? Of course not. I know exactly what I'm doing. Pocketing the owner's spare change, and buying a bigger yacht.

Meanwhile, they're spending a week's grocery bill on watching that? Spending hours on those banners to get rid of me, then putting them down and cheering when we fluke a pinball winner? Ranting on social media then turning up again next week? As long as their kids' college fund is going into my offshore bank account, I'm managing things just fine.

[Janik]

I didn't realise I hadn't picked a keeper until the wife told me.

Well, that one has actually been uttered, which I'm assuming BE realises...

[Various Artist]

Oh God, our next game is actually a wet Tuesday night in Stoke. Kill me now.

[Sits]

What? Have I lost the dressing room? Mate, I lost the dressing room half way through last season. This shower could’ve won the double last year if they actually tried. Why else do you think I keep picking Tommo? We all know he’s shit but he’s engaged to the owner’s daughter.

[ian.64]

I left out the two youth players because I don't know what to do with them. They're going out on loan next week and they can enjoy a bit of footie because they won't find it here. Look, I picked my first choice winger because he understands all those dirty jokes and references to old TV shows and movies that the youngsters don't get, which is why I shipped off that lad to Forest Green. Yeah, the kid's won awards and has the highest-rated abilities in his field, but if I make a joke about Samantha Fox and he just looks at me incredulously, what's a bloke to do? Ship 'em out and leave 'em there. Best for the kids, really.

[ian.64]

Yes, he's incredibly nimble and has a vision which improves not just his game, but any other teammates on the pitch. His number of assists will tell you that. But the real reason we bought him is the £90 million price tag. Ninety million. I can't tell you how much we wanted to write that cheque. Pow! Take that, you cheap bastards! We can buy your mum! We're planning the next player purchase at £120 million just to get everybody's backs up! Oh, yeah! (Rubs fingers together) we got more where that came from! Rolling in it!

[Patrick Thistle]

Yes, I saw it. It was a stupid penalty to give away. The opponent isn't going anywhere and a Premier League defender should know you don't tackle from behind in the box.

I can't believe we won that last minute penalty either. I actually thought the ref was going to book him for diving. It was so blatant and theatrical. Then he pointed to the spot and I had to have a swig from the water bottle so people couldn't see me laughing.

[Snake Plissken]

Il tempo è pessimo. Il calcio è l'età della pietra. Per favore, qualsiasi proprietario di serie A, sono disponibile. Traduttore. Non dire quell'ultima parte.



(I've run that through Google Translate. Probably doesn't work.)

[Snake Plissken]

I know the fans want to see good football. I'd like to play good football. My players would like to play good football. Unfortunately, to them the concept of passing triangles means handing out slices of Dairylea. I can't ask Ash to pass the ball because he can't. He just hits it really hard and occasionally it goes in. They've got bets running on who can hit it furthest into the stands. Getting this lot to play the ball to feet on the ground is like trying to teach chimps a Masters degree in Renaissance Art.

[3 Colours Red]

No, I didn't take this job in China because it was a new challenge or I wanted to broaden my horizons or take in a different culture. It's the lorryloads of cash they're dumping outside my solid gold mansion.

[Janik]

My player has opted to bump their forward to unbalance him without even a pretence at playing for the ball. Yes it probably wasn't enough to knock the bloke from his feet and he has thrown himself to the ground theatrically, but Football is a semi-contact sport; only shoulder-to-shoulder is allowable and what Matty did wasn't that. Not that I blame him for it, it is something that we teach our players to do in training as it is a bit of cheating that defenders generally get away with it, possibly the commonest cheat in the whole game, but not today with this ref. He was justified in giving the penalty.

Could Steveo have withstood that challenge and played on? Probably. He is a strong lad. But if he had, didn't score and no penalty was given, I would have bloody throttled him. He was about to have a shot from 10 yards and the barge meant he was no longer in full control of himself; if he had tried to shoot immediately when he was stumbling he would likely have slashed at the ball and skewed it over or wide, and if he had tried to recover from the stumble and rebalance, the split second it would have taken would have given the goalie time to close him down completely. We go over it in training; referees will almost certainly not give a penalty to a player who is still on his feet, so if a defender knocks you off-balance do not play on, but go down.

[Janik]

Or how about "There's still a slight thought it might just have brushed off his arm into the goal, but if it'd been my player scoring that goal, I'd have been very upset if it had been disallowed for handball." "It was a genuine goal"
Roy Hodgson, last night.

[Sits]

No Jamie, I'm not at this club for the long haul. My plan is to do OK for a year or so, then wobble enough to get sacked with a nice settlement for the couple of years left on the contract. Repeat that three times before I'm much over 60, skim a few bungs off my agent mates on shit transfers along the way, and I can retire somewhere really nice abroad.