Reasons to be cheerful

[EIM]

As you all know, it's much harder being a fan of Manchester United than it is a fan of whichever tinpot team you support from whichever backwards shithole you're from. Not only have we officially lost local bragging rights to our city rivals, who are managed by the handsome, baldy, Osti-clad Greatest Manager Ever*, but our perma-grumpy manager keeps flirting with PSG while still living in the Lowry hotel, like a weirder, more petty Alan Partridge. Last night, while watching us plod to a routine victory over one of those irrelevant South Coast teams whose players you can't recognise, except for Jermaine Defoe, I started feeling very miserable indeed. Was it the football? The weird, scapegoating of Romelu Lukaku, who, it seems, is being singled out because the fans are furious they can no longer sing about his penis? Or was it because I hadn't waxed my Fjallraven anorak, meaning the sleet had soaked me to my freezing bones? Who knows. All I knew is that I needed cheering up. So here is my list of OFFICAL CHEERING UP PARTNERS of MANCHESTER UNITED FC tm.

1. "Big" Duncan Castles. Arguably Jose Mourinho's most important signing. A press-based dog of war, chewing up and spitting out his rivals on Twitter and in hard-hitting columns in local papers in India, Hong Kong and South Africa. He's like Paddy Crerand with an extra pair of red-tinted specs on.

2. The United Pie. Chilli, cheese and steak. It's meant to represent the red, white and black of United, but that doesn't really work as cheese isn't really white, is it? Regardless, it's dead dead good.

3. The girl who works the door of the Bishops Blaize. The BB is the Wetherspoons near Old Trafford. It is fucking terrible. Full of idiots in replica shirts, standing on tables singing WE'RE MAN UNITED WE DO WHAT WE WANT before meekly acquiescing to the requests of the door staff to get off the fucking table. They serve cans of warm Stella, warm Guinness, and warm Strongbow for £2.50 and if you're doubly unlucky, Pete fucking Boyle will serenade you with a chorus of one of his latest shite songs. However, I had to pop in last night to meet a lad who was going to his first ever match, and the girl who works the door is a regular in my pub, meaning at least I didn't have to suffer the indignity of having to queue to get in the fucking place.

4. Juan Mata. He's just fucking gorgeous, isn't he? All silky touches, clever movement and endearing blog posts. Going to be gutted when he leaves this summer. His old man owns Tapeo on Deansgate, which serves the best mineral water I've ever had in my life. Serious. It's silky smooth. Like drinking wet velvet. And despite my previous hardline stance on Tapas I'm now a devotee. Best in town, lads and lasses? Well for me, Geoff, it's Evuna on Thomas Street or El Gato Negro on King Street.

5. Marcos Rojo. We're all in agreement that violence is bad, hmmm? That fighting is something we definitely don't want to see. A return to football's dark days when post-match buffets would be hurled in tunnels and dressing room doors would be kicked down by angry defenders looking to partake in a bout of fisticuffs and/or handbags. BUT! But but but, people! If it were to happen, and the charge was led by a mad as fuck Argentinian (HE HAS TATTOOS ON HIS KNEES! WHO EVEN HAS TATTOOS ON THEIR KNEES?), with his shirt off, well, you'd love it wouldn't you? Make him fucking captain, imho. My mate was late for work because he missed telling his colleague the turning they needed to take as he was looking at Rojo Argentina shirts on eBay instead of at Google Maps. Justified.

Please add your reasons to be cheerful. Or don't. I'm not arsed either way tbh.



*He's not

[imp]

6. Beating Liverpool in the 1977 FA Cup Final. I'm still chuffed about that (it was back when I gave a shit).

[Jah Womble]

2. The United Pie. Chilli, cheese and steak. It's meant to represent the red, white and black of United, but that doesn't really work as cheese isn't really white, is it? Regardless, it's dead dead good.

Well, cheese is more likely to be 'white' (feta, chevre, mozzarella, etc) than steak should ever be 'black'. But you Mancs are a rum bunch of coves, that's for sure...

[My Name Is Ian]

My wife has a tattoo of bees on her knees. She is not universally renowned for her wise life decisions, I know, I know.

[Third rate Leszno]

I'm intrigued by the pie. Is there any way I can sample one without giving money to the evil empire? I don't like the idea that I might somehow end up paying Jose's laundry bill at the Lowry.

[My Name Is Ian]

Has Castles earned himself a "Drunken Carseholes" style nickname yet? Ordinarily I'm against that sort of thing (Chelski", "Spuds", etc etc etc), but I might be prepared to make a one-off exception for him.

I do, however, find him strangely fascinating, in particular the absolute lack of self-awareness and the snippiness when he's called out on his one-eyed cheerleading. I don't really get particularly angry with him, though, primarily because I consider him to be a symptom rather than a cause of The Death of Journalism (TM, etc).

[Satchmo Distel]

George Best is still a greater player than anyone who has played for Man City (so is Bobby Charlton for that matter).

[tee rex]

That thing people go on about at every FA Cup 3rd round draw, complaining how Man Utd have been on telly non-stop since 2005 ... well, that last non-televised game was against Exeter, and you were staggeringly awful, but it doesn't matter, because it wasn't on telly. Your global fanbase have no idea how lucky that is (in fact there wouldn't even be a global fanbase if they'd seen it).

[Toby Gymshorts]

Mohamed Salah.

Erm, that's it.

[pebblethefish]

3. The girl who works the door of the Bishops Blaize. The BB is the Wetherspoons near Old Trafford.

Why is it called the Bishops Blaize? It should be the Bishop Blaize, as that's who it's named after (he was a saint who was killed by combs). Bishops Blaize is meaningless, as is Bishop's Blaize, as a Blaize isn't a thing. They added an S to the pub of the same name in Romsey a few years ago, causing about as much of a commotion as it's possible to get in Romsey.

[EIM]

It is called the Bishop Blaize. I just WH Smithsed it.

[Giggler]

I've been to the Bishop Blaize twice; once after the Chelsea game in January 2009 (the first Premier League game I ever went to) and once on the Friday before Christmas in 2014, to kill time before meeting my then-girlfriend at her Christmas do. The former occasion was rammed with Far Eastern tourists standing on tables singing, as EIM points out, but the second was largely deserted. However, there were still unmistakably people there to soak up the atmosphere of being so close to Old Trafford. You don't get that in the Staff of Life at the bottom of Gigg Lane.

[Bored Of Education]

I fancy that pie. I might fancy EIM's regular. I might even fancy Juan Mata and Marcos Rojo from EIM's description.

However, Rojo's tattoos are at the front of his thighs, not on his knees. Tattoos on the kneecaps, like the elbows, are very painful as there isn't much covered the bone. I have a mate who has tattooed kneecaps. The design is a bit wonky because he kept flinching when some of the needling hit a nerve. He's a drummer though so, you know

[Amor de Cosmos]

4. Juan Mata. He's just fucking gorgeous, isn't he? All silky touches, clever movement and endearing blog posts.

Best known round our way for bottling out of taking a throw in because the crowd was too close and calling him nasty names. (Of course he was playing for Chelsea then, so it's understandable.)

[Sam]

I'd managed to forget about the Bishop Blaize.

That thing people go on about at every FA Cup 3rd round draw, complaining how Man Utd have been on telly non-stop since 2005 ... well, that last non-televised game was against Exeter, and you were staggeringly awful, but it doesn't matter, because it wasn't on telly. Your global fanbase have no idea how lucky that is (in fact there wouldn't even be a global fanbase if they'd seen it).

Just because it's not on telly in the UK doesn't mean it's not on telly anywhere. Take Saturday 3pm kick offs, for example.

[tee rex]

True enough, I just needed to shoehorn Exeter City into a discussion about MUFC. It's not even fame, but it's still our claim.

[Sam]

Given it was during the two seasons I spent working at Old Trafford there's a very good chance I was at that Exeter game, but I can't remember anything about it at all.

[NickSTFU]

Football wise, Shrewsbury having 41 points before Christmas. I think we should be able to manage 52 points before the end of April

OTF wise, EIM being amusing.

[G-Man]

That thing people go on about at every FA Cup 3rd round draw, complaining how Man Utd have been on telly non-stop since 2005 ... well, that last non-televised game was against Exeter, and you were staggeringly awful, but it doesn't matter, because it wasn't on telly. Your global fanbase have no idea how lucky that is (in fact there wouldn't even be a global fanbase if they'd seen it).

Oh, it was on in South Africa. And if it was on in South Africa, it was on in most parts of the world. Possibly even in New Zealand, if satellite signals reach as far as that. I imagine some international armchair experts muttered about it being time for Ferguson to retire and let another manager bring back the glory days. Everton's young manager looked good.

[Toby Gymshorts]

David Moyes emerged from the womb having already reached the age of 45. I refuse to countenance him ever being young.

[treibeis]

David Moyes emerged from the womb having already reached the age of 45. I refuse to countenance him ever being young.

I saw him regularly when he was in his twenties. He had a Mick Hucknall hairdo. He used to smile when he scored. He really was young when he was young, you know.

[Lang Spoon]

Hucknall hair? Some things can never be unseen once the image seems into your brain.

[Giggler]

I saw him regularly when he was in his twenties. He had a Mick Hucknall hairdo. He used to smile when he scored. He really was young when he was young, you know.

He's my cousin's godfather so we used to see him a bit too. It's only really since he went to Preston that he started looking like he looks now.

[Amor de Cosmos]

The only reasons to be cheerful at Loftus Road these days are off the pitch. Which actually is OK. Yesterday the club hosted a Christmas party for kids who survived the Grenfell flats fire. Have to say their community involvement over the past few years is the best reason for supporting them.

[G-Man]

David Moyes emerged from the womb having already reached the age of 45. I refuse to countenance him ever being young.

Don't be cruel. He once was young and handsome.