Having a film crew stuck up your jacksie

[treibeis]

I've had the squits for eighteen months - think a concrete-mixer filled with Bisto and set to "Fastest Possible" - and have been too stupid to go to the doctor's.

So, for my 50th birthday, The Lady I Walked To The Registry Office With "said it with arseholes" and gave me ... an appointment for a colonoscopy. It's in 48 hours' time.

I'm sure somebody on here has had this done, and I've got one question: You have to drink some muck a day before to make sure you're all ship-shape and Bristol fashion downstairs. (I imagine it's the equivalent of using caustic soda to clean out a motorbike's exhaust pipe.)

Now, what happens if the muck doesn't work properly? Do I have to eat rotten meat or something to make sure my arsehole's empty?

(I read the pamphlet they gave me. If the diagrams are anything to go by, the camera has the length and girth of a brontosaurus's neck.)

[imp]

Friends of ours had one lately - they went together, which was sweet. Only takes 15-20 minutes and is relatively painless, apparently.

[treibeis]

It's not the pain I'm worried about - they're knocking me out, whether I want them to or not -, it's the preparation.

One of my regulars has it done regularly (I think you could talk about a 'hobby'), and he once said "Fuck it" and had a slap-up Grünkohl meal with all the trimmings two days before the camera crew did the business. The subsequent arsehole footage was so dark that they had to turn the lights on to look at it. And the doctor gave him the grandfather of all bollockings. I don't want that happening to me.

[HORN]

If you're taking something like picolax you won't need to worry about whether it'll work.

It'll make you afraid of ever again trusting a fart.

[treibeis]

It is indeed Picolax. Mind you, I haven't trusted farts since my mid-40s anyway.

[Amor de Cosmos]

I know I'm going to regret asking this but, trust a fart to do what exactly ?

[treibeis]

Not liquidise.

[Amor de Cosmos]

Right. 'Nuff said.

[elguapo4]

As others have said picolax will clear everything out, you'd be able to eat your dinner off your insides, the procedure itself is a piece of cake, you'll be sedated so you'll be dopey as fuck while it's happening.I don't know if you're on 24 or 48 hour fast but when you wake up the tea and toast they give you is like ambrosia of the gods. Good luck with it anyway

[Billy Casper]

Ooh, finally a topic I know a bit about. I've never had Picolax, it's not recommended for people with Crohn's Disease apparently, but I have used Kleen Prep and had perhaps half a dozen colonoscopies and about ten or twelve barium enemas over the years.

As mentioned above, it will work. Not as quickly as you think it should, but it will do the business. The main hurdles are a) the taste and b) drinking enough of the stuff. Pace yourself when you drink it. Don't try and get in front of your schedule, because you'll only feel bloated and nauseous. Keep a cup of something better tasting by your side to immediately take away the taste. It won't fully take the taste away but it will help. I have to drink four litres of Kleen Prep before a colonoscopy (and the same amount of clear liquid) but the time before last when I went I had only managed two and a half litres. They stuck the camera up but I wasn't cleaned out enough so they had to cancel. Two weeks later I had to do it all again, so make sure you drink it all.

I've always been awake for my procedures (including the time when I was in dire pain and started vomiting half way through a barium enema. Proper stomach clearing, smelling salts needed vomiting too) so I am jealous. Again as mentioned above, it isn't as bad as you imagine normally. After a cup of tea and some toast you'll feel back to normal in a couple of hours.

[Billy Casper]

Ha. I see the tea and toast thing is universal!

[elguapo4]

I've only ever had one barium enema and that was enough for this and any other lifetimes I may have, you have my sympathy Billy

[treibeis]

What, I have to drink TEA afterwards? It's worse than I thought.

[elguapo4]

Or coffee!

[WOM]

What's the deal with the barium enema? Why is it so horrid? I had a regular one after getting backed up on Percocet after my kidney stones.

[Toby Gymshorts]

Picolax will definitely clean you out, I can attest to that. I've had both a colonoscopy and a sigmoidoscopy; next time I'm near a proper keyboard I might relate the tale...

[elguapo4]

Having your insides blown up like a bike tube tends to sting a bit, my brothers partner still gives me grief cause I didn't tell her how bad it is

[Toby Gymshorts]

It didn't sting. There were interesting aftereffects though.

[elguapo4]

Sorry Toby I was talking about the barium enema

[Toby Gymshorts]

Ah. Never had that, thankfully.

[Satchmo Distel]

I am 51 so really should get a colonoscopy done. No matter how bad it is, colon cancer is a lot worse. I will discuss it the next time I have my quarterly general consult.

[Jah Womble]

I had this earlier in the year - and got to view the 'experience' on TV. My workings were, uh, immaculate, I'm happy to say - but I wasn't wild on either the 'personal inflation' or indeed the self-enema that preceded the whole shebang.

I'd absolutely recommend the procedure to any OTFers of similar vintage, however.

[treibeis]

I swallowed the first sachet of muck an hour ago. Since then, I've had Mick Jagger singing the chorus to "19th Nervous Breakdown" reverberating around inside my head, but nothing's happened.

I reckon I've been sold a dud.

[treibeis]

"The 13:59 express to Hamburg Muncipal Sewage System has just departed from treibeis' bathroom."

[WOM]

Btw, I thought this thread was going to be about a film crew staked out behind your khazi for the Stones gig. I really did.

That said, I got my Happy Birthday letter from the Ministry of Health last month to tell me about Canada's new method of doing this, which is non invasive. You basically take a poop sample on three different dates and drop the 'sticks' at your GP.