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    Sexy Football

    My Sexy Manchester United XI, 1990-present day

    GK - Raimond van der Gouw. Nicknamed Raimond van der Gouwgeous by the women at the Cliff training ground, a play on words that doesn't really work at all, for reasons it's easy to see why. Those cheekbones, that smile, that mop of dark hair. Easily United's best looking keeper, exorcising the horrors of Leighton and that fat idiot we got on loan that used to play for Rangers.

    RB - Gary Neville. Sometimes what's attractive, what gets your loins a stirring isn't purely aesthetic. Take Gary Neville, whose unusual face and terrible facial hair looks like it was designed for a claymation reworking of Grange Hill. No. What makes Gary Neville internationally recognised shorthand for sex-appeal is his strong sense of moral justice. The brain and heart of Owen Jones wrapped in the torso of a Spartan warrior. From Bury to Rossendale, Gary Neville is sex.

    LB - Clayton Blackmore. The inventor of long range freekicks and tanning salons, Clayton Blackmore is a pioneer.. He recently beat Tom Jones to the title of Wales's sexiest ever man, in a poll voted for by me. His cheeky smile and glinting eyes recently caused my sister to tell him "You're trouble. I can tell." while my brother in law desperately tried to change subject while hissing "onday'tay entionmay ermudabay".

    CB - Jaap Stam. Tall. Powerful. Bald. The Rock. Michael Chiklis. Vin Diesel. Zamarano bouncing off him. Surging runs out of defence. Grabbing Vieira by the neck as the Arsenal man swims in Stam's eyes. Those ultra tight Lazio shirts never looked better.

    CB - Steve Bruce. Granted, it's an unconventional beauty. A nose that can smell round corners has been lost in a face that's aged to look like a rubber Mrs Doubtfire mask. Even in, and at, his prime his shirt burst at the seems (the white away shirt in Rotterdam split in celebration like Barca's defence for the second goal). But that soft North East lilt coupled with the kindly smile hiding a ferocious temper? Phwoar.

    RW - Cristiano Ronaldo. The Madeiran Man-God is widely hated in England. But this is because we are all frigid, sexless and pale. Hangovers from the Victorian era where a bare ankle can cause a four page letter to Points of View. Meanwhile Ronaldo struts over the world in tiny briefs and a six-pack so spectacular it's actually a twelve-pack. Brits throw homophobic abuse at him, then go home and cry-wank thinking about him.

    LW - Lee Sharpe. In the 1980s Manchester was a dull rainy city wallowing in post-industrial decay. Then Tony Wilson formed Factory records and signed Lee Sharpe from Torquay. His debut album was a hattrick against Arsenal in a speckled blue adidas kit that was, for a while, the only colour in the North of England. I remember seeing him play live for the first time, in the Hacienda. I was stood next to Joy Division, John the Postman, Mick Hucknall and John Cooper Clarke. They went on to form Happy Mondays and open Dry Bar. Lee Sharpe died in 1995 and was sold to Leeds.

    CM - Juan Sebastian Veron. Veron once said of Beckham "I don't know whether to tackle him or fuck him." Well I know what I want to do to Veron, and I've no intention of tackling him. Right lads and ladies?

    CM - Daley Blind. Cycling through Ancoats on his way to Rudy's, the trendy new pizza gaff on Cotton Street, a Cottonopolis scarf trailing in his wake. On his iPod he listens to some new music I've not even heard of, but he got from Piccadilly Records on a tip off from Juan Mata. He has model looks. A kind, sensitive, ball-playing soul imbued with footballing intelligence. He can even make a man bun look acceptable. If I ever bought Just 17 I'd expect to find a poster of him in there.

    CF - Brian McClair. The cerebral Scot once kicked Nigel Winterburn up the hoop. Instant sex symbol status.

    CF - Eric Cantona (capt.). Brooding, charismatic, dark, dangerous, protective. Women want to be with him and men also want to be with him. Erect in poise and stature. A philosophy-quoting, street-fighting, goal-scoring appeal to all our innate sexual instincts. Protection, reproduction, cup final goals and double-doubles. I'd let him bum the shit out of me, nqat.

    #2
    Sexy Football

    in a poll voted for by me
    Hahahaha!

    CTSR

    Comment


      #3
      Sexy Football

      I can't decide who you're channelling. there are too many words for that fucking imminent bed blocker Custis writing about jose, it's not gay enough for Henry winter, so I'm trying to decide John Carlin or Graham hunter?

      Comment


        #4
        Sexy Football

        Dunno what you're on about. Written from the heart, that.

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          #5
          Sexy Football

          Nah I don't buy it. Steve bruce. but no juan Mata?

          And Brian McClair didn't really kick winterburn in the hoop. A Kick in the arse would have been time wasted. Once he got him on the ground he actually got to work pulverizing his kidneys and lower spine. Time would be short and every kick would count.

          It kind of makes you wonder what exactly had Winterburn said to him. Because that's the most savage thing I've actually seen on a football pitch?

          Comment


            #6
            Sexy Football

            Don't think I mentioned but I saw him on a train the other week. I was sat getting troubled on Tyskie in Lancaster and decided I was fucking bored so jibbed the Glasgow train to Manchester. When he went to the toilet I spied Brian McClair was sat a few rows behind me. After a couple of train cans I went to him and thanked him for kicking Winterburn up the hoop. Of all the things I could think to thank him for - scoring 20 goals in a season, cup final goals in 1992 and 1994, his marvellous assists for Cantona's chip v Sunderland and Beckham's goal at Selhurst - the first thing that occurred to me was when he kicked Winterburn. I fucking hated Winterburn.

            He's very polite. Even when faced by a drooling idiot referencing a minor but violent incident that happened a quarter of a century ago.

            Comment


              #7
              Sexy Football

              It had to be done. He has to know how much that meant to so many people. I was nine when he missed that penalty against arsenal and I was utterly incandescent with fury at winterburn.

              Comment


                #8
                Sexy Football

                The Awesome Berbaslug!!! wrote: It kind of makes you wonder what exactly had Winterburn said to him. Because that's the most savage thing I've actually seen on a football pitch?
                He said Maths are useless in real life.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Sexy Football

                  Winterburn reminds me of 'Orrible Ives out of Porridge.
                  Had McClair produced a tyre iron and beaten the fat-tongued gimp around the legs with it no one would have minded. The FA may even have turned a blind eye to it.
                  'Orrible Ives fairly shat himself when it looked like Paolo Di Canio might slap him for continual sniping after the referee pushing incident.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Sexy Football

                    hah, as it was they allowed mcClair get as close to a kerb-stomping as you can get without having a bit of pavement handy. It's not very hard to see mcclair kicking his spine like a football.

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                      #11
                      Sexy Football

                      Considering finding a role for Fellaini, the all-action hero none of us want but all deserve.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Sexy Football

                        Fabulous stuff EIM. And there's got to be room for some subs, surely?

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Sexy Football

                          That description of Steve Bruce's face might be my favourite sentence ever on OTF.

                          EIM will no doubt be delighted to learn (if he didn't already know) that Juan Sebastián Verón is returning to playing this year, for Estudiantes de La Plata, the club he's also now president of, as his part of an agreement with the fans (he told them last year that he'd register as a player for this year if they bought enough season tickets for the Copa Libertadores).

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Sexy Football

                            My mum would request that you find a place for Mark 'Thunderthighs' Hughes.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              It's weird, when Take That split up the Samaritans cancelled all leave and called in officers from different metropolitan areas to help out with the influx of calls. Yet when Daley Blind goes back to Ajax we get... nothing. No support, no cuddles, no mugs of hot chocolate with cream and those little marshmallows. No Friends boxsets to watch under a blanket on the sofa, as we ball up tissues and stick them up our nostrils to stop the snot pouring down our chin due to the endless, broken sobbing. We just get a tweet where he thanks us for our support but says it's time to go home. Home? You were home, Daley! This was your home! If you didn't like it you should have said. We could change. We could play a system that involved us having a slow, physically weak left-whateveryouwere. I thought things were ok. I know we're not Amsterdam, but we have canals, albeit canals full of rubbish, mobikes and occasionally corpses. We used to have a Dutch Pancake House but we knocked it down. Shudehill and Piccadilly Gardens *always* smell like weed. The Manchester Art Gallery has a wonderful collection of paintings from the Dutch Golden Age, including the tense and powerful 'Seascape with Men of War and Smaller Vessels' by Ludolf Backhuysen. We weren't Amsterdam, but squint, in the early morning mist, past all the filth, and the forgotten people, and the building sites, and we could be. We could be, Daley. Please don't go. Please. Please?

                              Comment


                                #16
                                Take Gary Neville, whose unusual face and terrible facial hair looks like it was designed for a claymation reworking of Grange Hill.
                                That's marvellous.

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