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  1. #226
    ad hoc's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by diggedy derek View Post
    Really enjoy reading your columns IMP.
    That goes for me too

  2. #227
    imp's Avatar
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    Thank you very much, dd and ah. To reward you, here's a new column on the need for a law to curb excessive goal celebrations, inspired by events at Gainsborough Trinity v Alfreton Town. (It's my firm belief that if you can't find inspiration in Gainsborough, you won't find it anywhere.)

  3. #228

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    Yes! I've often thought this, particularly when my lot have just conceded the only goal of the game in the last minute, which has happened twice in the last fortnight.

    (and I also enjoy the blog, btw)

  4. #229
    imp's Avatar
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    Back into the fray this weekend with three games, including one at a club where, earlier this season, I was assaulted for the first time as a ref (though 'only' with a shirt to the face). Have they improved their behaviour? Does the pope wear a condom?

  5. #230
    imp's Avatar
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    Just seen a referee's nightmare scenario at the end of Bielefeld v Union Berlin. 1-1, 3 minutes of added time. As the three minutes are expiring, Bielefeld break up a Berlin counter-attack just inside their own half. Ref calls the foul and cards the player. Free-kick is taken and cleared by Bielefeld to the left side of the penalty area. That would have been the moment to blow for full-time. Ref waits, though, and Berlin centre again. Bielefeld keeper punches the ball out to a Berlin player on the edge of the area. Referee blows the first of his three long peeps for full-time just as the ball arrives at the Berlin player's foot. He controls it and and fires home as the second peep is being blasted. At the third peep, with the ref signalling 'no goal', he's already being surrounded by enraged Berlin players. I felt sorry for the young lad, as he'd had a good game from what I'd seen of the second half.

    Bielefeld coach Saibene admitted his team had been lucky, but wondered why the ref played almost four minutes of stoppage time "for no reason", when he could have avoided the situation. Well, aside from the fact your player stopped a counter-attack and got booked. Tough call. True, time was up. But that's a shitty moment to blow the final whistle. Happened to me once - ref blew as my shot was sailing in to the top corner to salvage a point from a looming 3-2 defeat. "Tough shit, mate, but well played," said the nearest opponent (or something similar), and shook my hand. I was too gobsmacked to complain to the ref.

  6. #231

    The dirt protects the paint
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    Has anyone ever seen a ref at any level get lost in the game and kick the ball?

  7. #232
    Sam's Avatar
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    I've certainly heard a story - and feel like I've seen the video - of a ref somewhere lashing a free kick into the top corner after getting fed up with the amount of time the attacking team were spending discussing how to take it. But I can't find a video of it now.

  8. #233
    imp's Avatar
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    Am often tempted to join in when the teams are shit and they're moaning at me, just so I can play a simple straight pass and say, "That's how you play football, you useless fuckers."

  9. #234
    There was the ref in Another Sunday And Sweet FA, but that was make-believe (I think).

  10. #235

    The dirt protects the paint
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    My question stems from a general curiosity but also from watching Ind del Valle-Banfield in the Libertadores the other night. Banfield had three excellent chances in a row (one of those situations where the defenders can't get the ball out of the box). And when it was finally cleared it rolled straight toward the ref who was standing at the top of the box. I thought to myself: "kick it" since he had a perfect angle to place the ball in either top corner.

  11. #236
    imp's Avatar
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    You'd have to be tempted - your reffing career would be over, but provided you scored then you'd be an instant global social media phenom, get book deals, chat show appearances blah blah. Surprising that it hasn't happened yet.

  12. #237

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    A free-kick would be retaken but a goal from open play would have to stand, wouldn't it? No different (legally) from a rebound off the ref's backside?

  13. #238
    Quote Originally Posted by imp View Post
    You'd have to be tempted - your reffing career would be over, but provided you scored then you'd be an instant global social media phenom, get book deals, chat show appearances blah blah. Surprising that it hasn't happened yet.
    Mind you, think how much of a twat you'd look if you missed.

  14. #239
    Satchmo Distel's Avatar
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    A commentator on Five Live today insisted, in the context of diving, that "exaggerated contact" and "simulation" are different, but this seems to me to be a distinction without a difference. Feeling a slight brush and falling down as if hit by a bullet is no different in its essential cheating deception than somersaulting Klinsmann-like over an outstretched leg. Both should be penalized the same, no?

  15. #240
    imp's Avatar
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    I agree.

    In the US I was playing in an Over-35s game and we were holding a very good opponent to 0-0 right up until the final minute. Our keeper made a great save and pushed the ball out left, I shadowed the opponent who'd followed the ball out to the right side of the penalty area. My right knee grazed the back of his thigh and he went sprawling. The lads who were warming up behind the goal-line for the next game all burst out laughing. The ref blew for a penalty. My players went so berserk I thought they were going to maim the ref - he should have sent at least two of them off (in the end he just gave out one yellow card). I was the captain and should have been calming them down but I was too upset to even speak. They scored and won 1-0. It's the only penalty I've given away in my life. In the car on the way home I almost did a John Terry because I thought I'd let my team down. I was 44.

    See kids, that's what cheating can do to a grown man.

  16. #241
    Patrick Thistle's Avatar
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    I'd be very tempted to maim the player next time I was following him. Boot studs first through the back of the knee.

    I wouldn't. But I'd be tempted.

  17. #242
    imp's Avatar
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  18. #243
    Thanks imp, good read. Is women's football generally a lot less fraught to ref than the men's game ?

  19. #244
    wiblflibl's Avatar
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    "The Full Valentine's Bollocks."

  20. #245
    imp's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by seand View Post
    Thanks imp, good read. Is women's football generally a lot less fraught to ref than the men's game ?
    There's no other way to answer - Yes. And the Fair Play tables back this up quite comprehensively.

  21. #246
    ursus arctos's Avatar
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    Lovely piece

    What level was this?

  22. #247
    Toby Gymshorts's Avatar
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    Great read that, imp.

    Perhaps.....she wanted to be wooed
    Did you tell her she could be as wooed as she liked? </KennethWilliams>

  23. #248
    imp's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ursus arctos View Post
    Lovely piece

    What level was this?
    Thank you, ua and TG. It was a friendly - one team from the Kreisoberliga, the other from the Gruppenliga. Standard reminded me of a lower-level travel league in the US.

    @TG. Believe me, she is.

  24. #249
    imp's Avatar
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    This weekend I met a teenage boy who just wouldn't listen. Until I started to get a bit psycho.

  25. #250
    Toby Gymshorts's Avatar
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    I genuinely don't know a) how and b) why you do it, imp.

    Great read as always.

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