V WOLVES, 0-3
Yes, I'll hold my hands up and say, it's not the curtain raiser to the new season we were looking for. We, this football club, we were looking to lay down a marker but if you go one down against a team like Wolves and don't adapt to their attacking formation, you will be punished. This team mustn't be afraid to experiment. It's like, you know, we know, the stresses and strains of this job. So, you're away one night, taking your pleasure with a particular seasoned lady of a certain age whose services you've used in the past, you and the Wayne Rooneys of this world, shall we say. And you've been going at it some time when suddenly she seizes up, turns a shade of blue and, well, to be fair, dies. On the job, like Tommy Cooper, the way she would have wanted. So, you think, well, you've paid your money, so you keep banging away, and then it occurs to you – here's a chance to experiment. So, with every due respect, you turn her over onto her front and, well, there you go. That's what this team has to do. Whether it's a tricky opposition or a dead prostitute, you have to be prepared to do something a little bit different.
V SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY, 1-4
I'll take the positives – it was good for us to register our first goal of the season, even it is was their keeper booting the ball into the back of his own net when he thought he'd heard the final whistle. We kept harrying and that was our reward. But we were impetuous at times today and that's cost us. It's a bit like heroin. You've heard great things about it, so you think, why not give it a go, but on the other hand, it's a class A drug, some people say it has side effects, and that gives pause for thought. So you do the cautious thing, you try it out on your kids first, see how they get along with it. Tell them it's a booster jab or something, you know how they fret at ages eight and ten. And they seem fine, but then there's the comedown, the vomiting, and, after a few weeks, well, they're in a bit of a sorry state, addicted quite honestly, and to be fair we've had to kick them out of the house. So, there you are. Be cautious. Because if I'd been impetuous, the way we were out on that park today, it could have been me getting kicked out of the house. There but for the grace of God, as they say.
V BIRMINGHAM, 0-6
There's no two ways about it, we took a hiding today, in front of our home fans against a team who, on the day, were the better side. But I can take that, and the booing, and the brickbats. It's like, when I did the voiceover to this new DVD, The World's Wackiest Aviation Disasters, you know, taking a light-hearted look at some of the more memorable plane crashes of recent years, the blunders and the bloopers that led them to coming a cropper in a cornfield or forest. Because we all need a good laugh in times like these. And you end up taking flak for it. Whether it's people that are jealous or because they think football managers should stick to managing, you know, stay in their box, I've no idea. But I've not lost sight of what matters, Plane crashes are funny. Today wasn't.
V WALSALL 0-5 (Carling Cup)
The lads in that dressing room are upset, I'm upset, the fans, quite rightly are upset. Of course they look for a scapegoat and I happen to be handy. But it's like, take me, the other week. I'm out taking a walk late at night on Hampstead Heath, it's a warm Summer's evening, mostly deserted. And I don't know, perhaps it's the pressure I've been under, perhaps it's that things haven't been going so well in the bedroom lately, but a strange impulse comes over me. So, I sidle up to a hedgerow and before I know it, I've started shooting flaming arrows into the duckpond. Mostly they flap away but I manage to catch a couple unawares, reducing them to cinders. I'd carry on but I'm wrestled to the ground by a pair of nearby homosexuals, which is disappointing. The chairman's been understanding about the whole thing, especially considering it was his name I gave as my own down at the police station, to be fair. But the point is this. I was punished and pilloried for a single moment of madness and that's unjust. However, commit five moments of madness in front of your own goal and it's quite right that you're made to pay. You don't have to be a duck or a homosexual to see that.
Yes, I'll hold my hands up and say, it's not the curtain raiser to the new season we were looking for. We, this football club, we were looking to lay down a marker but if you go one down against a team like Wolves and don't adapt to their attacking formation, you will be punished. This team mustn't be afraid to experiment. It's like, you know, we know, the stresses and strains of this job. So, you're away one night, taking your pleasure with a particular seasoned lady of a certain age whose services you've used in the past, you and the Wayne Rooneys of this world, shall we say. And you've been going at it some time when suddenly she seizes up, turns a shade of blue and, well, to be fair, dies. On the job, like Tommy Cooper, the way she would have wanted. So, you think, well, you've paid your money, so you keep banging away, and then it occurs to you – here's a chance to experiment. So, with every due respect, you turn her over onto her front and, well, there you go. That's what this team has to do. Whether it's a tricky opposition or a dead prostitute, you have to be prepared to do something a little bit different.
V SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY, 1-4
I'll take the positives – it was good for us to register our first goal of the season, even it is was their keeper booting the ball into the back of his own net when he thought he'd heard the final whistle. We kept harrying and that was our reward. But we were impetuous at times today and that's cost us. It's a bit like heroin. You've heard great things about it, so you think, why not give it a go, but on the other hand, it's a class A drug, some people say it has side effects, and that gives pause for thought. So you do the cautious thing, you try it out on your kids first, see how they get along with it. Tell them it's a booster jab or something, you know how they fret at ages eight and ten. And they seem fine, but then there's the comedown, the vomiting, and, after a few weeks, well, they're in a bit of a sorry state, addicted quite honestly, and to be fair we've had to kick them out of the house. So, there you are. Be cautious. Because if I'd been impetuous, the way we were out on that park today, it could have been me getting kicked out of the house. There but for the grace of God, as they say.
V BIRMINGHAM, 0-6
There's no two ways about it, we took a hiding today, in front of our home fans against a team who, on the day, were the better side. But I can take that, and the booing, and the brickbats. It's like, when I did the voiceover to this new DVD, The World's Wackiest Aviation Disasters, you know, taking a light-hearted look at some of the more memorable plane crashes of recent years, the blunders and the bloopers that led them to coming a cropper in a cornfield or forest. Because we all need a good laugh in times like these. And you end up taking flak for it. Whether it's people that are jealous or because they think football managers should stick to managing, you know, stay in their box, I've no idea. But I've not lost sight of what matters, Plane crashes are funny. Today wasn't.
V WALSALL 0-5 (Carling Cup)
The lads in that dressing room are upset, I'm upset, the fans, quite rightly are upset. Of course they look for a scapegoat and I happen to be handy. But it's like, take me, the other week. I'm out taking a walk late at night on Hampstead Heath, it's a warm Summer's evening, mostly deserted. And I don't know, perhaps it's the pressure I've been under, perhaps it's that things haven't been going so well in the bedroom lately, but a strange impulse comes over me. So, I sidle up to a hedgerow and before I know it, I've started shooting flaming arrows into the duckpond. Mostly they flap away but I manage to catch a couple unawares, reducing them to cinders. I'd carry on but I'm wrestled to the ground by a pair of nearby homosexuals, which is disappointing. The chairman's been understanding about the whole thing, especially considering it was his name I gave as my own down at the police station, to be fair. But the point is this. I was punished and pilloried for a single moment of madness and that's unjust. However, commit five moments of madness in front of your own goal and it's quite right that you're made to pay. You don't have to be a duck or a homosexual to see that.
Comment