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    #26
    dog whispering

    We have two dogs; a big one (labrador sized but has staffie colouring) and a 100% staffie. Lots of people have a fear/mistrust of staffies so when anyone comes around, dog lovers or not, we always put them in the extension which has glass doors so visitors and dogs can see each other. Once all is calm we ask if are guests are happy for the dogs to come out or not and if so, we let them out. Naturally the dogs will sniff the visitors as thats a part of their social make-up but you find after a couple of minutes they'll get bored and just wander off for a lie down. A treat or two helps as well. Our pair are never allowed around the table when we eat and if they stay away, they always get rewarded with a treat. Allowing a dog to lick your face is plain wrong.

    Lots of good advice already given Laverte, and the folding arms and turning back does work, but if the dog owners are good friends and responsible owners, I'd hope they wouldn't be too offended if they popped Gigi out of the room for a short while when you first get there so everyone can settle down as most dogs get very excited when visitors first come to their house.

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      #27
      dog whispering

      Thank you, everyone, for your empathy and advice. I can see how I've been making the situation worse – I'm guilty of every one of the errors in evilC's link. There's a lot to take in here, but I already feel I have a better idea of how to approach the dog, and if it doesn't work at the very least I won't feel it's 100% my fault.

      My friends are aware of my anxiety, and I think they think they do make an effort to, eg, tie her up after she's been leaping at me a bit too enthusiastically, or tick her off after she's thrust her head between my legs at the dinner table. But I kind of want them to anticipate so that she doesn't unsettle me in the first place. Just as I don't have much experience with puppies, I don't think they have other friends as apprehensive around Gigi as I am. They probably don't know what to do with her while I'm there either.

      The dog really is part of the family – she sleeps with them and joins them at the table – and I feel bad about asking them to break that up. But there's no way I'll survive if I don't: I'm staying at least two nights, and the flat is tiny. They're good friends, so I can be frank with them, up to a point. But ad hoc is right, it feels like asking them to keep their baby locked away.

      The bairn was only 9 months old last time I stayed; she's just turned two, so Gigi must now be used to a slightly erratic little wandering person, and I guess my friends will monitor her more than they did. I'm hoping I can use the toddler as an excuse to stay away from the dog!

      What degree of fear do you/she have?
      I've had so little contact with dogs, I don't know how much is anxiety and how much is inexperience. I might be less terrified of a smaller dog. Gigi is really powerful – she scares me even when she's tied up on the balcony, she has a thick metal chain and it makes a violent sound as she jumps around. I also feel guilty and frustrated that I seem to make her nervous. The advice here may help with that. For instance, I never quite know what to do with my hands – I want to stroke her, but as soon as she twitches her head upwards, I get scared and withdraw my hand. I know that jerky movements add to the tension, but so does stiffness, and I'm not capable of much in between!

      The Awesome Berbaslug!!! wrote: I'm sure that whatever you say to these people, you'll be taken more seriously than I am by my parents. but if you're uneasy about it, you just have to let them know, otherwise it is all you will be thinking about.
      Yes, that last part is exactly right. I don't know how seriously my friends take my anxiety. A silly thing that stressed me out last time: I had a single change of clothes for the weekend, and I was completely covered in dog dribble within a few hours. So on the first evening I changed into my second outfit, and I was almost immediately licked and dribbled on. For the rest of the weekend I could smell the dog on me even when she wasn't there, and it added to my unease. I don't think I can expect them to understand that – and I'm going to pack a bigger bag this time – but it's an example of a hang-up I have that a dog-owner probably wouldn't ever contemplate.

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        #28
        dog whispering

        There's no question that, however much we try, an air of "dogginess" pervades an owner's house. Their smell, hair everywhere, etc. Most of the time it's just household patina. We don't acknowledge it because we no longer recognise it, like the mild odour of baby poo when there's a newborn in the house. Non-owners will, instantly, but often feel it's impolite to mention. I think that's a mistake, especially if you're among friends. Someone I know, when visiting for the first time greeted us with "Ah wet dog! One of my favourite perfumes." It made us laugh, but also served as a mild, but important, reminder that others live in dog-free domesticity.

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          #29
          dog whispering

          laverte wrote: I never quite know what to do with my hands – I want to stroke her, but as soon as she twitches her head upwards, I get scared and withdraw my hand. I know that jerky movements add to the tension, but so does stiffness, and I'm not capable of much in between!
          This is probably old news to you already laverte, but the standard kiddie advice on how to approach (i.e. not get bitten by) unfamiliar dogs is possibly worth mentioning here – that is, never try to stroke them with your fingers outstretched, always reach out with the back of your hand toward them: that way there's nothing to get hold of. I'm not suggesting Gigi is going to attempt to bite (although you do say how the 'rough play' hasn't exactly properly warned her off gentle nipping), but I think more importantly it would help you feel confident about instigating the contact, as the certainty that your fingers are safely out of the way can be quite powerfully reassuring.

          That should make you feel much more in control of the act of bridging the gap, particularly for the first time. Even if you feel the need to pull back at any stage it hopefully shouldn't require such dramatic, jerky movements, more a natural swing of the arm to casually sway out of reach. And if you're calmer and less jumpy because of all this, it means Gigi should be less on edge as well so it's a win-win. Once the back of the hand has been sniffed, her initial curiosity about the strange thing coming towards her will probably be satisfied and you can move on to rubbing it on the side of her face or under the jaw, say, then navigate to behind her ears or the back of the neck where the fingers can come into play once they're firmly out of reach. Speaking as someone who's always had hang-ups about 'germs', it also means that if needs be the entire contact is conducted through the back of the hand and so your fingers, palm etc don't even have to become 'doggy' at all... well, at first, at least!

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            #30
            dog whispering

            I didn't know that at all. Thank you.

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              #31
              dog whispering

              Don't feel obligated to pet her. I promise you that she won't feel slighted in the least. But, if you do want to pet her, I would recommend reaching just under her jaw or behind her ear. That way, if you withdraw your hand suddenly, you're not doing in her line of sight.

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                #32
                dog whispering

                In other words, what VH said (sorry I didn't read all of that before posting).

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                  #33
                  dog whispering

                  Thank you, everyone, for your advice. In the 15 months since I'd last visited, the dog had indeed calmed down quite a lot, as some of you predicted. She only leapt at me once, and was generally more sleepy than before. With a two-year-old human in the family, she's now used to being ignored. She still hangs around the table during mealtimes and sticks her nose in the dishes; my friends didn't do anything to prevent this, even after I'd said it grossed me out, so I think it's just something I'm going to have to put up with. But I avoided eye contact with the dog and aggravating movements, as suggested, and it went well. I even managed to stroke her behind the ears. Most of the time I felt comfortable and was able to relax. Yay!

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                    #34
                    dog whispering

                    Hooray!!

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                      #35
                      dog whispering

                      Oh great stuff, very pleased to hear it went well after all. I hope it felt like a bit of a breakthrough that you were able to get on with Gigi; glad to know all the advice you were showered with on here came in useful.
                      Amused by Femme Folle's last post: don't worry FF, I have that effect a lot.

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