Australia

[Pietro Paolo Virdis]

20-30 years ago it was where everyone dreamt to go. It was Eldorado, Utopia, Samarkand, Paradise, Jerusalem and Klondike of the soul all wrapped into one. In people’s minds. I’m not so sure whether it is anymore. Nothing wrong or negative about Australia, but it ain’t all that anymore, is it? Not compared to how it used to be in people’s longing minds.

First of all, its fauna scares the shit out of me. I’m not too fond of the ocean. It frightens me. Water, I have great respect for. It’s the god I bow down to most. Out of fear. I bow down to everything from its life-giving to its power when it decides to gather high and fast and... murder.
We might travel to Jupiter, BMW might build a real X-wing everyone can afford and we might invent condoms with built in abortion as an extra, just for the hell of it, but water will never be tamed. Australian water is especially crazy as there is none in most parts and where there is it’s fuckin’ filled with shit that will kill you in a blink.

Then, lately I’ve begun to find Australian culture weird, with that the whole place. I can’t put my finger on it. I guess the closest I can explain it is those scenes in The Truman Show where everybody’s pretending everything’s alright. Surreal. You sense something is wrong yet you play along and pretend it’s alright. That’s how I imagine I would feel landing on a jet in Australia.

I don’t know where this is coming from really. Every single Australian I’ve met has been more than decent. Maybe it’s the TV productions? There is no greater weird coming out the English speaking world than what Australia muster. Some ranch in the outback’s with doctors flying kriss-kross above, the greatest drama among them is a foal wandering off beyond a creek. 30 minutes drama about that foal. Nothing more dramatic ever happens and they do give a shit yet at the same time they shrug their shoulders like everything will be alright and even if it doesn’t who gives a shit. We’re in Australia. The rest of the cunts in the world are in France, Argentina or Sweden, freezing their cocks and nipples off right about now.

I watched Wake in Fright yesterday. (1971) John Grant, a bonded teacher, arrives in a rough outback mining town planning to stay overnight before starting his holiday. But one night stretches to several and with the aid of alcohol he plunges headlong toward his own destruction.
It’s one of the weirdest films I have ever seen. And it only added to my everything above.

I would love to visit Australia yet at the same time I feel a bit worried, like a Twilight Zone kind of place.

[Posty Webber]

Australia

Don't be daft. Australia is rad.

[Max Payne]

Australia

I live in Australia. There's nothing sinister here at all. Come join us. All is well.

[Guy Profumo]

Australia

Max Payne wrote: I live in Australia. There's nothing sinister here at all. Come join us. All is well.

Provided you don't arrive by boat, presumably?

[Duncan Gardner]

Australia

My mate was interviewed by an immigration officer at Mascot Airport.

"Excuse me Sir, do you have a criminal record?"

"Sorry, I didn't realise it was still compulsory..."

[Sam]

Australia

I can assure you the only folk in Argentina who are freezing their cocks off at present are those who live way down in the very far south. Here in Buenos Aires it's sweltering, what with it being the middle of summer and all.

[Max Payne]

Australia

Guy Potger wrote:

I live in Australia. There's nothing sinister here at all. Come join us. All is well.

Provided you don't arrive by boat, presumably?

Thanks to Tony's torpedoes and hoversharks, nobody arrives by boat.

[ad hoc]

Australia

Pietro Paolo Virdis wrote: 20-30 years ago it was where everyone dreamt to go. It was Eldorado, Utopia, Samarkand, Paradise, Jerusalem and Klondike of the soul all wrapped into one.

I can only imagine this was a Croat thing.

[Sits]

Australia

What an interesting OP. There are pluses and minuses, politics and some of the culture being among the latter, along with a level of casual racism. But perhaps all countries have this.

The thing is, there are two Australias. Well, three at least - this could get like the Spanish Inquisition:

1. The bit where I live, and the vast majority - in a city or large town, on or near the coast. Basically a metropolis like most around the world, depending on the size. Apart from the weather, and the scenery, it just feels like... living in a metropolis

2. The resorts - again nearly always on the coast somewhere, away from the big urban bits though. The archetypal beachy Australian lifestyle where most of the people in (1) go on holiday

3. The Middle - be it the Outback, the Bush, the Desert or the country towns, this is the bit many people in (1) might well not see for years or more. My family and I are a case in point. So when I watch a drama with planes flying over desolate brown land with creeks and snakes, it's a bit like another country. Whenever we do go, I always think I should go more often, but there always seem to be more important things to do.

That's a bit scattergun before I leave work for home. Many Australians or expats living here may well disagree, but that's my experience.

Fauna-wise, you genuinely get blasé about it all after a while. I was genuinely scared for the first few months, then got used to it. Encountering a Redback is like a particularly nasty wasp. I've seen three Funnel-Webs and two were dead, and the only snake was harmless. That's in sixteen years. We did finally see proper crocodiles on holiday last year, but it was on a river cruise where they were basically guaranteed.

My only nasty wildlife experiences were:

* divebombed by a Butcher Bird while walking the dog, round the corner from our place - drew blood on my temple
* stung by a Bluebottle (small Portuguese Man o War jellyfish) on my very first trip to an Australian beach. I was just relishing how unbelievably fantastic it was then that. Absolute agony.

But don't let that put you off.

[Sits]

Australia

And I do remember the idea of it being tantalising. I recall, around the time the relocation becoming a possibility, I was listening to Everything Must Go by the Manics on the Walkman (yes, Walkman), and Australia came on. I thought "Wow, Australia, just imagine".

Even now, every time I hear the song it's special and I remember that moment. I was in a coach on the M4 Chiswick Flyover, on my way to work.

[Sits]

Australia

Matter of fact, I'm gonna listen to it now.

The above will resonate with anyone who lives here.

[DCI Harry Batt]

Australia

I have this "if I wanted to spend time with drunk racists in the sun I could just go to Magaluf" thing, which I do appreciate is a smidgin on the harsh side. But on top of that - and the heat looks unbearable anyway - there's the spiders, and the flight. So I'm never going to go.

People who have say they've had fun though.

[ad hoc]

Australia

It is a sort of odd place. Sort of a mad ultra-vivid / stylized version of England. Full of immigrants yet proudly and systematically insular.

Having said that though, if I had to pick the thing that most summed up Australia culture and which is (in my experience) unique, it would be the surf life clubs. Absolutely superb institutions. Community oriented, based around outdoor living and sports and education and life saving and eating and drinking. If Australia gave much of a shit about what the rest of the world thought about it, it would use the surf-life club as the global image of the country and the world would bow down in awe.

[DCI Harry Batt]

Australia

See I much prefer to do my living indoors.

[ad hoc]

Australia

But you live in a country where it rains 97% of the time

[DCI Harry Batt]

Australia

It doesn't rain anything like enough here. Anything like. Anyway being outside in the rain is great. But "living" outside - what's that about? We have houses and stuff. With sofas and tellies. And tables to eat at, without being bothered by hideous flying beasts.

[tee rex]

Australia

Countries that complain about things being "un-" need to be handled with care. Australia, America, talking to you. Do people say un-Irish or un-German these days? I hope not.

Otherwise it's fine, if you want to meet Kiwis. But there are better places for that, like London.

[Rogin the Armchair fan]

Australia

I was put off my long-dreamt of trip to Oz when I discovered that nowadays if you order a pizza and two beers you don't get much change out of £50.

[beak]

Australia

I watched Wake in Fright the other week. Great film.

[trimster]

Australia

Rogin the Armchair Fan wrote: I was put off my long-dreamt of trip to Oz when I discovered that nowadays if you order a pizza and two beers you don't get much change out of £50.

A pizza and two beers should cost you no more than $25. Just stay away from certain trendy, inner city parts of Sydney or Melbourne (perhaps the part where Sits lives...!)

[treibeis]

Australia

My fear of Australia set in when I was a teenager, shortly after I'd read the bits about spiders in Unreliable Memoirs.

This fear took nearly 30 years to subside. Then I read Down Under, in which Bryson said something along the lines of "Australia has more different animals that can kill you than the rest of the world put together."

So, no, like Toby Gymshorts, I won't be going. I'm too scared.

[Sits]

Australia

The un-Australian thing is a very valid point, something I find cringe making and embarrassing. Similarly when a politician uses the phrase "real Australians" and what they really mean is "white Anglo-Saxon Australians". See "true blue".

Oh and the Murdoch dominance of media, political policing...

I'd better watch it or I'll put myself off.

[Toby Gymshorts]

Australia

treibeis wrote: So, no, like Toby Gymshorts, I won't be going. I'm too scared.

Erm......what? I mean, you're right, but it was TonTon who mentioned it. Or is this from my references to spiders on threads passim?

[Wouter D]

Australia

Been there in 2010. Read Bill Bryson's book on the way there. Seen tons of wild cockatoos, ibises and even some penguins, but nothing that wanted to kill me. Had a blast. There's a conference in my field of work in Sydney in August, and if I get a paper accepted I'm definitely going back.

[E10 Rifle]

Australia

Sydney is one of the most brilliant, beautiful cities I've ever been to. Fell completely in love with the place, even though it has some of London's insanities (a stupid property market for example). Aussie politics seems pretty awful, but there's some interesting undercurrents in its political culture too (paging NHH to thread).

I'd go back if I had time and money, which I don't.