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[Pietro Paolo Virdis]

In a film title and you have a brand new story

Ape Fear: Max Cady suffers from Maimouphobia. When his new neighbour Sam Bowden moves in with a pet orangutang all hell breaks lose, but Danielle, the orangutang finds herself feeling sorry for Max and tries to connect with him.

Aging Bull: In this Pixar movie an old rodeo bull is facing death as the new owner of the travelling Texas show has no symphaty. With his friends the rodeo clown and a golden retriever they set out on a road trip across America to reach Buffalo.

Backdaft: Bryan McCaffery, a lazy bum who's been unemployed all his life stumbles upon a time-machine while on a hike. He's taken back to early summer 2002 with the Korea/Japan world cup only months away. Without a dime in his pocket he tries to find work for the first time so he can place wagers on games he knows the results of but has a change of mind and spends all his money on a ticket to the cup where he sets out to convince Roy Keane to not fly home in fury.

[Sean of the Shed]

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Brie Encounter: Two turophiles contemplate an illicit affair over the course of visits to their local shop, until she calls it off after he offers here a taste of a particularly pungent blue veined truckle.

[Sean of the Shed]

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Godfellas: Biopic of a young choirboy whose only desire is to join the dark criminal underworld that inhabits the Vatican City.
"For as long as I can remember I always wanted to be a priest. To me that was better than being president of the United States. To be a priest was to own the world."

[ad hoc]

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Lie of Pi: Documentary in which genius outspoken mathematical radical Aymayd Zisneymup argues that the value of pi is in fact 901.52 recurring.

[Slightly Brown]

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1: Bo Derek wasn't that hot after all.

'Star war' - just the one confrontation, you can stop filming now.

'E' - an alien sells drugs to kids.

[wingco]

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The Iron Lad

Stirring biopic of Mark Thatcher, who, like his Mother, wasn't for turning, which is why the cunt got lost in the desert.

[Etienne]

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Jurassic Ark. Sam Neill and Laura Dern try and build a boat big enough to hold 2 of each dinosaur. It sinks.

[Geoffrey de Ste. Croix]

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Hunderball.

Hilarious comedy thriller in which Jamesie Bond on behalf of HMRC investigates the mysterious funneling of millions of pounds of taxpayers money over a period of years into a shadowy organization (RFC) headed by an otherwise respected business leader.

The underwater action takes place in the Forth and Clyde canal by Maryhill locks when Bond gets "fuckin jumped cos he's a wideo cunt" by henchmen "tooled up wae broken bottles a buckie and chibs".

Bond escapes using a rusted Morrison's shopping trolley procured from bottom of said canal.

[Geoffrey de Ste. Croix]

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Life of I.

Tedious and mundane art house depiction of an almost 40 year old Scottish bloke living in Holland with his wife and 2 kids and not a fucking tiger to be seen.

Avoid.

[Andy C]

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Righton Rock. Biopic of The Levellers.

[Antepli Ejderha]

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Hopper an Australian serial criminal carries out his evil deeds on a pogo stick and escapes on a space hopper.

[Sits]

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Love this thread.

[Sits]

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Itch - stars Will Smith as a "date doctor" whose plans go awry when the hot guy he's sent on a date with one of his lady clients discovers a severe case of scabies just as the main course arrives.

Bulli^ - Steve McQueen is a tough San Francisco cop somewhat surprised to be transferred to a small town on the southern New South Wales coast, where he is assigned with cracking a pokie machine racket. Climaxes with a car chase in his iconic Holden ute along the Mount Ousley Road.

^OK that's two letters

24 Hour Arty People - in which an assortment of pretentious twats disappear up their own backsides in a marathon debate analysing the origins of the Madchester era.

[Geoffrey de Ste. Croix]

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Great Sexpectations.

Randy country boy Philip 'Pip' Pirrip is broken in by the insatiable MILF Havisham. The action is so red hot it results in Havisham's dress and mansion being set on fire. Pip flees for his life with trousers around his ankles and singed arse hair in the style of Robin Askwith being chased by an angry husband.

[ad hoc]

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I, Root - Young England batsman gets early biopic made about him. Starring, improbably, Will Smith.

[Nefertiti2]

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'Arry On Abroad.

Financial advisor Harry Redknapp shows you how to open a bank account in Monaco.

[Etienne]

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Blades Runner. Harrison Ford hunts down replicants, until he's stopped in his tracks by a broken metatarsal.

[Wyatt Earp]

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Bi. Have you ever had a really big secret? Starring Tom Hanks.

[Wyatt Earp]

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The Disagreeable Fellow Of Monte Cristo.

[Nefertiti2]

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Toy Tory

David Cameron biopic

[Wyatt Earp]

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Cary on Henry: early version of Brokeback Mountain starring Messrs Grant and Fonda.

[Rogin the Armchair fan]

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Close Encounters of the Hird Kind - Michael Sheen portrays the young Alan Bennett, in a biopic exploring his surprisingly fractious and sexually-charged working relationship with Dame Thora

Rash - A film exploring the sexual and racial tensions of multicultural Los Angeles, as a series of people (played by a cast including Thandie Newton, Don Cheadle, Ludacris, Matt Dillon and Sandra Bullock) are forced to cope with a chain of events that leads to them all contracting a sexually transmitted infection

Finding Emo - A teenaged clown fish begins dying his hair black and purple, and gets into piercing and self-harming. He leaves home to run off with his girlfriend, a depressed Dory fish and his relieved parents don't bother to look for him.

For Hom The Bell Tolls - Septuagenarian Chinese chef Ken Hom plays a cameo role as himself, being stalked by an inept novice Angel of Death played by Russell Brand

Liver! - Oliver Reed stars as the evil, alcolholic Bill Sikes, whose long-suffering wife Nancy takes in an angelic orphan (Mark Lester). Urgently needing a new liver for a transplant operation, Sikes falsifies an organ donor card then murders the boy in Lionel Bart's feelgood musical.

Tar Wars - Farmer Luke has always dreamt of joining the Alliance, a group of independent tobacco importers who are united in their desire to defeat the Empire (British Imperial Tobacco). His dream becomes reality when chance brings him into the company of Han, a smuggler he meets in a pub.

[Rogin the Armchair fan]

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My Air Lady - Professor Henry Higgins (Rex Harrison) wagers that he can pass his companion "Eliza" off as a member of polite Victorian society, even though she is a blow-up sex doll.

[Wyatt Earp]

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The Russia Hose: as relations thaw between the West and Gorbachev's USSR, a reluctant British agent tries to get hold of the top secret designs for the tights at the Bolshoi Ballet

[Wyatt Earp]

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Iles Miserables: a portrait of the UK