What's your local news?

[ursus arctos]

WOMBWELL KARATE LUNATIC IN PHIL COLLINS DRINK AND DRUGS TRAIN RAGE.

A drunken martial arts expert from Barnsley caused mayhem on a train late last night.

Derek Ostrich from Wombwell boarded the Sheffield to Barnsley train at 10.21pm with four cans of Special Brew, a bag of cocaine and a portable stereo.

When the train set off he turned his stereo up to full volume playing songs by 80's pop star Phil Collins. When passenger Lizzie Birdsworth objected to the noise - Mr Ostrich ripped her newspaper in half and snarled 'Be quiet you old snake. Listen to the music and embrace it'

As the track 'Easy Lover' started playing - Mr Ostrich leapt from his seat and started shouting lyrics from the song while practising karate moves on stunned passengers.

When the train conducter appeared Mr Ostrich snatched his ticket machine and money bag and proceeded to throw notes all over the carriage shouting 'This is the love train - all aboard'

Harry Gration, 65 from Bradford said 'The man was spoiling the journey for everybody, he snorted a line of cocaine right in front of me and pushed his face next to mine and asked me if I loved Phil Collins. When I told him that I wasn't a fan he just erupted and started karate chopping my head'

The mayhem ended when the train pulled into Barnsley station and police were waiting for Mr Ostrich. As he swigged the last drops from his final can of lager he shouted to officers 'Come on piglets - let's have a little dance shall we?'

Mr Ostrich was arrested and taken to Barnsley Police Station where he was charged with eleven offences.

Too good to be true, me thinks.

Especially as it is illustrated with a picture from the New York subway.

[ad hoc]

Harry Gration is a sports broadcaster too (though I think he is genuinely from Bradford)

[Snake Plissken]

There are quite a few spoof online only "local newspaper" sites.

[Capybara]

I have a signed book by Harry Gration.

[Benjm]

He was the main anchor on the local news when I lived in Sussex twenty odd years ago.

Hardly Tony Wilson but better than, say, Nick Owen.

[Femme Folle]

Wing joint backed by Jay-Z to open first N.J. location

[Satchmo Distel]

Lizzie Birdsworth was a character in Prisoner Cell Block H.

[Lang Spoon]

The auld yin all pruned up that was in Mad Max? She was great.

[Lang Spoon]

Might have to put on the Dancehall version of the Cell Block H theme from the Chart Music playlist again.

[Gerontophile]

Does anyone actually know someone called Ostrich? I think we should be told.

[Walt Flanagans Dog]

Local residents amazed at dead seagull on top of lamppost.

Simon Kay, of Flimby, noticed the dead bird on the lamppost on Monday before the the county council was alerted. "There was another dead seagull lying on the ground not far from the base of the street light, so a Romeo and Juliet style suicide pact is a credible possibility," he joked.

Cut the comedy Simon, it's no laughing matter.

[Toby Gymshorts]

You make your own fun in Flimby. Mainly because no-one else wants to go there to make it for you.

[elguapo4]

Why do they think you'd want to watch a video of a dead seagull,it's dead,it's not going to do anything

[Aitch]

One-hundred-and-three year old Josephine ("Kieks") van der Borch is to visit Kamp Amersfoort (a Nazi concentration camp not that far from where I am sitting) on the 70th anniversary of the day her brother and 19 others were executed for passing information on German troop movements and anti-aircraft weapons to the allies.

[Wouter D]

One-hundred-and-three year old Josephine ("Kieks") van der Borch is to visit Kamp Amersfoort (a Nazi concentration camp not that far from where I am sitting) on the 70th anniversary of the day her brother and 19 others were executed for passing information on German troop movements and anti-aircraft weapons to the allies.

Is this old news, or were they executed three years after the war?

[WOM]

I googled. It's apparently the 75th anniversary of the incident.

[adams house cat]

The New Bern Sun Journal has the headline "Dog that was killing cats found". Warren Harper said he wqs stunned when he found out on Facebook that his dog had been killing other peoples pets. He apologized.

Also "Camp students reach for the stars". Make of that what you will.

"Community, elected officials stand in support of hog farmers at rally".

They make their own entertainment out in Duplin County.

[Aitch]

https://www.ad.nl/amersfoort/103-jar...roer~ae50c675/Sorry, my mistake:
Ze noemen haar Kieks en ze is al 103 jaar oud. Deze maand bezoekt ze nabij Kamp Amersfoort voor het eerst de plek waar haar broer precies 75 jaar geleden werd doodgeschoten.

[Vicarious Thrillseeker]

News in Nairobi this morning:

Kenya at the World Cup: As the curtain falls on Sunday when France take on Croatia at this year's World Cup Final, Kenya was well represented in Russia - just not on the pitch. The Star has the details on dozens of Members of Parliament, as well as Ministry of Sports officials, who are in Russia for a taxpayer-funded "benchmarking tour".

Nairobi's unending shit storm: A few days after we learnt that no one can say where 66% of human waste in Nairobi goes to, Governor Mike Sonko ordered that toilets be used free of charge and a firm contracted to manage them on behalf of the county.

Prison beauty queen begs for forgiveness: 21-year-old Ruth Kamande became a household name after winning a beauty contest while in remand at the Langata Women's Prison in 2016. On February 27 this year, while on trial for murdering her boyfriend, Ruth confessed to stabbing him 22 times using a kitchen knife. The beauty pageant winner told Justice Jessie Lessit that she stabbed Farid Mohammed on September 20, 2015 in self-defence after discovering an HIV card in the house. On what would have been her sentencing day on Wednesday, the 24-year-old begged the court to forgive her - and spare her life, as the prosecution have requested capital punishment.


https://www.the-star.co.ke/news/2018...-your_c1785557

[adams house cat]

"Rabies case in Pamlico County!"

Everybody in a panic as evryone has a dog or dogs.