I've nothing against remakes in principle, but surely the best premise for a remake is to redo a rubbish film that had some good ideas in it. Instead they generally redo good stuff and make it worse.
The only worthy exceptions that spring to mind are the two remakes of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, both of which I quite liked. Especially the Donald Sutherland one.
Breathless, featuring Richard Gere. What a load of old cock.
I had this film on VHS when I was a teenager, I never watched the whole film but there were two or three scenes that were practically worn out through constant rewinding and freeze framing.
I really like the remakes of Assault on Precinct 13 and Dawn of the Dead, as well.
All very good remakes, as is the '78 version of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers (it's on again next week - lovely jubbly!). Actually, the more I watch it, the more I think it's a fucking great film.
If you get a few cans of alcoholic libation, a lazy night with nothing on telly and an 'I'll Watch Anything' mood simmering within you, then Tim Burton's Planet Of The Apes remake is just the ticket.
As sober, essential viewing, it's a mess. A good-looking mess, but a mess, nontheless.
I really like the remakes of Assault on Precinct 13
Well Maria Bello is very good, and Laurence Fishburne is plenty watchable, but Ethan Hawke was a plank of wood in this and the ending? WTF was that all about?
I'm shocked at you lot - 15 posts on a "bad remakes" thread and nobody's mentioned the Sly Stallone Get Carter yet.
The Wicker Man. I'd love to know how that production meeting went.
"Okay, we'll got Nicolas Cage to take the Edward Woodward role."
"But Cage is a sex symbol, no-one will believe that he's a virgin. We'll have to tweak the plot a bit."
"Good thought. I know, let's make him scared of bees."
He should have followed Fafblog's emergency flowchart:
in case of emergency
1. Is there an emergency?
a. Yes!
- Quick! Break glass in case of emergency.
- Oh no, now I'm all cut and bleeding on this broken glass!
- Sounds like an emergency! Quick, break more glass.
- Okay, I broke the glass! Now what?
- Oh no, what'd you do that for! You needed that glass for the emergency!
- Oh, what do I do now!
- Quick, glue your glass back together while there's still time! Then break it. Hurry, it's an emergency!
b. Why no, everything's fine.
- Are you sure?
- Well... not that sure...
- Just to be on the safe side, better panic. In case there's an emergency!
- Sure I'm sure! Just checked this morning. No emergencies here!
- Are you sure you're sure you're sure? 'Cause those emergencies, they're pretty tricky.
- Yep! We got the emergency alarm and the emergency detector and all the emergency traps and there isn't a single little emergency.
- Well now that's pretty suspicious. 'Cause if I were an emergency I'd go around disguising myself as a complete lack of emergencies.
- Ohmigod - that's what I've got right now! What do I do!
- First, get some glass. And quick! It's an emergency!
2. What's the emergency?
a. Bees
b. Angry bees
c. Giant killer angry bees
d. Fire!
- Started by bees?
- Yes! Those are some crafty, crafty bees.
- Yes! I didn't think so at first but the more I look at the evidence the more convincing this bee theory sounds.
- I want to say no but there's just no way you can rule out bees!
e. Other
- Probably bees
3. Emergency Bee Response Action Plan (EBRAP)
a. Negotiated settlement
- Too soft
- Appeasing the bees will only embolden future bees
b. Retaliatory air strike against the bee homeland
- Too risky
- Ensuing drop in global honey production would alienate key allies like the Hundred Acre Woods and Candyland
- Further violence only perpetuates the cycle of mistrust and misunderstanding between man and bee
c. Ritual hand-to-hand combat with bee champion
- Too difficult
- You have the weight advantage but the bee wants it more
- Biased bee referees will always rule in favor of the bee
d. Escape
- Recommended!
- You will need:
- Feet (two)
- Bee costume (for camouflage)
- Secret map of the Bee Kingdom (with marked escape routes)
- Hidden cyanide capsule (better to die on your feet than to live with the bees)
- Escape Plan
- First, Create A Distraction
- What kind of distraction?
- You know, anything likely to get a bee's attention - loud noises, fire, spraying lots of bee spray
- Oh no, now I'm being stung by lots of bees!
- Oh, how did that happen! Quick, go back to Step One. It sounds like an emergency!
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