Wedding speech help needed

[Hofzinser]

Can anyone help a panicking soon to be groom by helping me out with a one-liner?

Basically, I'm wanting to say something about the fact that there will be a crowd of Scottish people descending on Newcastle. So I'm looking for a line along the lines of "it's the greatest invasion of Scots since...", or "Newcastle hasn't seen anything like this since..." or something along those lines. Basically a moderately amusing line referencing the fact that lots of Scottish people have arrived in Newcastle.

Any ideas anyone?

[EIM]

Wedding speech help needed

[ad hoc]

Wedding speech help needed

Is there something uniquely Scottish that rhymes with "coals"?

Or could you do some riff on the theme of "Scottish and Newcastle Breweries"

[Uncle Ethan]

Wedding speech help needed

The unintelligible mingling with the unintelligent?

[ad hoc]

Wedding speech help needed

Wave a piece of paper in the air, and proclaim it to have been a recently discovered fax sent by the local Geordie chieftain to the Emperor Hadrian in 135 AD saying "Howay, Hadrian. I told you to build that fucking wall north of here. We've thousands of bloody Scots coming down here for their holidays every year because it's as far south as they can go, and of course we've the [insert name of famously rubbish Newcastle nightclub here]. If you'd just done what I told you and built the wall to Blyth we'd have none of their unintelligible tartan staggerings" (This speech needs to be geordiefied - which I can't do -for full, weak, effect.)

[kugelrund]

Wedding speech help needed

It's the greatest invasion of Scots since the Metro Centre Opening Day Sale.

Or using ad hoc's theme, "I told you to build a wall, not a bloody Metro Centre..."

Because, see, that Metro Centre place is always chocka with Scots; they all come down there to do their shopping and...

.

Sorry.

[Wolf2]

Wedding speech help needed

"...since Charles I was defeated at Newburn. Eh? Eh?"

Reformation jokes, hilARious.

[hobbes]

Wedding speech help needed

I reckon it's got to be something based on the Dandy strip EIM pointed out. (Or oot.)

[ian.64]

Wedding speech help needed

"..why, it's the greatest invasion of Scots since Oddbins opened another branch...ha, ha.."

(Nervous laughter from one or two of the assembled. Sound of triggers being pulled. Whispers are heard with words like '..crowbar..' and '..hospital..' clearly made out. Tense and sweating, Hofzinser hisses the words 'start the car...' to a friend seated nearby...)

[Stumpy Pepys]

Wedding speech help needed

I dunno Ian -- how about: "The last time there were so many Scotsmen in Newcastle was when Gosforth Netto knocked 5p off a can of Tennents Super."

[Hofzinser]

Wedding speech help needed

I think I was a bit delirious through lack of sleep and panic when I composed that opening post last night.

Nonetheless, thanks all, and keep em' coming. We can write this speech together, one joke at a time.

[evilC]

Wedding speech help needed

"No, no jobs here - Joe Kinnear is still alive. Now... GO HOME!"

[Duncan Gardner]

Wedding speech help needed

It's the greatest invasion of Scots since...

[evilC]

Wedding speech help needed

"Is there anyone here by the surname of Craig?"

I draw the honourable gentleman's attention to the final paragraph on that page.

[caja-dglh]

Wedding speech help needed

You should apologize about Kenny Dalglish.

Or say you are the happiest Scot in Newcastle since David Murray came down to pick up an 8m check for Jean Alain Boumsong.

[Guest]

Wedding speech help needed

Not perhaps relevant but a wedding toast that I heard once went along the lines of 'To love pure and simple. [The bride] is Love, [the groom] is simple.'

It worked well enough.

[E10 Rifle]

Wedding speech help needed

Didn't Neil Lennon and other members of Celtic's early 2000s squad get nicked for getting pissed up and kicking off in Newcastle on a Christmas do once? Material there?

[Bored Of Education]

Wedding speech help needed

A mate of many Cardiff OTFers welcomed his Scottish family by saying "Thanks for coming down, I thought you would be off your head on Temazepam"

You could say something about having taken down all the goalposts in the area, just in case like.

[Bored Of Education]

Wedding speech help needed

I wouldn't worry about getting too many laughs, people laugh at anything a groom says. It is the best man that really has to work the crowd