OK, Now I'm ready. Bring on the Melbourne OTFathon

[Max Payne]

Max Payne paging those OTFers in the Melbourne area....

How about an OTF-athon, say Saturday 21 March in the CBD (Unless someone knows a much better neutral meeting venue?)

Mrs Max would probably like to come along too so open also to OTF WAGS...?

Now that I'm over the Jet Lag and have won the battle with DHL and Aussie customs to get my PC I think a few beers are in order...

Also I need to know which AFL team. Carlton or Collingwood?

Anyone?

[Uncle Ethan]

OK, Now I'm ready. Bring on the Melbourne OTFathon

Neither. Carlton are the Flash Harry of the AFL (well, they were). Collingwood are the most loathed team in the competition.

If you want disappointment without chance of redemption try Melbourne.

Perpetual underformers? St Kilda.

Premiership winners thanks to more blind eyes at the AFL than at a Long John Silver impersonators' convention? Hawthorn.

The Aston Villa/Everton of the AFL? Western Bulldogs.

I'd go for North Melbourne. Refused buckets of dough being thrown at them to relocate and generally being shafted by the AFL as a result.

Also had the juiciest scandal in AFL history when the then captain was found shagging the then vice-captain's wife in a bathroom at a party - by the vice-captain.

Hope all is going well as you settle in. Good to see you haven't been scared back home by the bush fires or the earthquake.

[Max Payne]

OK, Now I'm ready. Bring on the Melbourne OTFathon

Heh. That earthquake freaked Mrs Max out and she's an Aussie. I remembered what it was from Manchester of all places.

North Melbourne Hmm? As I live in Reservoir I'll have to see what the travelling involved is...I have a car but like a bevy or two to partake in at these sort of events so that'd be out of the question.

Is NM your team?

Also do you watch Melbourne Victory? I'd look to get along to a couple of their matches next season (On loan from Exeter City of course...)

[Ginger Yellow]

OK, Now I'm ready. Bring on the Melbourne OTFathon

There's a good chance I'm going to be in Melbourne as well at some point during the first two weeks of April. I'd love to meet up with our Antipodean brethren.

[Guest]

OK, Now I'm ready. Bring on the Melbourne OTFathon

Hate to disappoint you, Max, but the Melbourne OTF contingent is tiny. In fact, you’ve just increased it by 50% and Havencheese doesn’t post a lot. There have been a handful of others pop up over the last 3 years or so but they haven’t stuck around. Nogoalsnoglory lives in Perth. As for travelling to AFL games, they are all played at either Etihad Stadium (Docklands) or the MCG. The old suburban grounds are still around (well, most of them) but they’re just used for training and administration now.

An Idiot’s Guide to the AFL:

Carlton – filthy rich (until very recently), salary cap cheats who perfected the art of tanking to gain high draft picks. The most arrogant club in the AFL. Can’t think of an equivalent in the EPL – Juventus is probably the obvious soccer comparison and Carlton, historically, was an Italian suburb.

Collingwood – toothless, racist, drunken, spoiling for a fight, ferals. A statistic, which I’ve just made up, shows that 85% of prisoners in Australia are Collingwood fans and coincidentally, 85% of Collingwood fans have a criminal record. Historically, an Irish Catholic club, they are by far the biggest sporting club in Australia.

Essendon – the Liverpool to Collingwood’s Manchester United. One of the big two, but not as big as the other lot, but with more trophies and not as offensive.

Hawthorn – avoid at all costs. Can’t compare them to an EPL club - the Tour de France of the AFL? (If you get my drift). Once got caught by the AFL for including cats and dogs in their membership numbers. They play in a hideous brown.

Melbourne – if you’ve got a 4WD, you like skiing and you have memberships of both the Liberal Party and the Melbourne Cricket Club, the team for you.

North Melbourne – a working class club with a very small, locals only, supporter base. There’s a lot to like about them except they might not be around much longer. They are probably most people’s second team after sticking it up the AFL last year when they successfully fought off the attempted relocation to the Gold Coast.

Richmond – Tottenham Hotspur. Absolutely convinced they are one of the giants of the competition but nobody else can see it. Another traditional Irish Catholic club. I work alongside a self confessed Richmond hooligan from the 1970s – there was a lot of crowd rouble back then before the AFL sanitised the sport. You will see a lot of similarities between the EPL and the AFL.

St Kilda – my logic was simple. Support your local club. Just my sodding luck that my local club is the least successful in the entire history of the sport. St Kilda have been around since 1873 and have won 1 premiership (1966); however, St Kilda do have 26 wooden spoons, 13 more than any other club. This is what St Kilda’s detractors say about the greatest of all AFL clubs: “ Football is a pastime that doesn't usually appeal to artists, outcasts, homosexuals, losers, troublemakers, hippys, goths and all manner of people with social problems. For some reason; however, such people seem to find St Kilda's image attractive. Some high profile examples include entertainers Molly Meldrum, Elton John and Graham Kennedy, broadcaster Francis Leach, comedian Matthew Hardy, actor Eric Bana and text-sex addict Shane Warne.”

Jason Donovan is a Saints man but, of course, he’s not gay.

Western Bulldogs – very similar to North Melbourne the club they compete with for the title of smallest club in Victoria. Less likely to be relocated than North, though, because the AFL believe they have the potential to “own” the western suburbs. Changed their name from Footscray in the late 90s which loses them a lot of brownie points.

You will also find that a lot of people in Melbourne support Sydney (formerly South Melbourne) and Brisbane (Fitzroy).