I'm beginning to lose the feeling that I need or want to have kids. Ever since I got together with senhora stev9e, it's something that we've talked about and I've been eager to do but all of a sudden that eagerness seems to be disappearing.
I suppose the main reason why I'm losing the desire is due to my own doubts about being a good father. My own father cared far more about spending time in the pub than with his son. This, together with the time we spent apart when he moved from Liverpool to London to find work in the early eighties and the long periods of hospitalization in the later part of that decade, mean I can count the great times I spent with him on the fingers of one hand.
Other factors involved in my thinking are far more irrational. Unlike most teachers in my place of work, I enjoy teaching teenage classes, I like the way that if you're clear, direct, reasonable and well organised, even the worst of unruly adolescents will respect you. However, I was recently forced to substitute a class of 7 year olds and it became clear to me within a matter of minutes that I had not a single idea of how their minds worked and within 10 minutes that classroom was in chaos. I had no idea of how to control a group of 7 year olds and this shocked me a bit.
The other irrational factor involved in this is that we took a 3 week old kitten off of a colleague of mine who had found her on the street close to death. We've nurtured her back to health and she's now 6 months old, in heat and permanently acting nuts. But in all honesty, I don't like her that much, she doesn't behave the way I want her to and I find her a general annoyance in my day to day life, even though I make sure she's fed, her litter tray is clean and she can't bare to be without me (she screams when I leave the house). Having the cat has got me thinking, what if this was my kid and s/he didn't turn out how I think my kid should turn out? Would I have the same feelings?
This all probably sounds pretty stupid but they're factors that have really changed my feelings recently. Alongside this, I'm weighed down by the thoughts that does the world really need more kids? And who is happier because of the introduction of a stev9e junior to this world, me or my mother who keeps on asking when a grandchild will be arriving? Add to this the fact that I argue at least once a day with my girlfriend and I couldn't bare for a child to be exposed to seeing their parents arguing each day, I had it as a child and hated it.
Apologies if this post makes me seem a bit weird but these thoughts have been taking a strange priority in my head over the last couple of weeks and this is usually one of the better places to air such things.
I suppose the main reason why I'm losing the desire is due to my own doubts about being a good father. My own father cared far more about spending time in the pub than with his son. This, together with the time we spent apart when he moved from Liverpool to London to find work in the early eighties and the long periods of hospitalization in the later part of that decade, mean I can count the great times I spent with him on the fingers of one hand.
Other factors involved in my thinking are far more irrational. Unlike most teachers in my place of work, I enjoy teaching teenage classes, I like the way that if you're clear, direct, reasonable and well organised, even the worst of unruly adolescents will respect you. However, I was recently forced to substitute a class of 7 year olds and it became clear to me within a matter of minutes that I had not a single idea of how their minds worked and within 10 minutes that classroom was in chaos. I had no idea of how to control a group of 7 year olds and this shocked me a bit.
The other irrational factor involved in this is that we took a 3 week old kitten off of a colleague of mine who had found her on the street close to death. We've nurtured her back to health and she's now 6 months old, in heat and permanently acting nuts. But in all honesty, I don't like her that much, she doesn't behave the way I want her to and I find her a general annoyance in my day to day life, even though I make sure she's fed, her litter tray is clean and she can't bare to be without me (she screams when I leave the house). Having the cat has got me thinking, what if this was my kid and s/he didn't turn out how I think my kid should turn out? Would I have the same feelings?
This all probably sounds pretty stupid but they're factors that have really changed my feelings recently. Alongside this, I'm weighed down by the thoughts that does the world really need more kids? And who is happier because of the introduction of a stev9e junior to this world, me or my mother who keeps on asking when a grandchild will be arriving? Add to this the fact that I argue at least once a day with my girlfriend and I couldn't bare for a child to be exposed to seeing their parents arguing each day, I had it as a child and hated it.
Apologies if this post makes me seem a bit weird but these thoughts have been taking a strange priority in my head over the last couple of weeks and this is usually one of the better places to air such things.
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