I think I need a few moments sit down

[EIM]

I just typed out a two thousand word rant about life, the universe and everything. I was just about to hit submit, when I caught myself. A quick read back of it revealed that I may be mentally ill, and very possibly a danger to humanity. So I deleted it. I could do without everything I'd articulated being out in the public domain. I'd have ended up in prison or something.

Anyway, the upshot of it was, does anyone own property on Tristan de Cunha? As it is, I keep taking it out on the gf's mum's cat. And I can't take the look in his eyes anymore as he recognises another beating on its way. It's heart-breaking. He's too old to move out of the way now as well. It's not even a fair fight.

[EIM]

I think I need a few moments sit down

Actually, maybe Tristan de Cunha isn't the answer. Maybe Godthab is the answer.

[EIM]

I think I need a few moments sit down

15,000 people spread over a 635 square km area? That could well be the answer.

[EIM]

I think I need a few moments sit down

Some fucking lummox stumbling round the house, like that stupid fucking bear that got its head stuck in a plastic bottle, whistling - not tunes - just noises. Out of tune noises.

People who can't use a fucking toilet properly. And when they do manage to aim up right, they can't work out how to fucking flush the thing.

Toothpaste. Everywhere. It looks like an explosive charge went off in the tube. The bathroom is covered in fucking toothpaste. I don't know how they've managed it. It's up the tiles, over the towels, in the bath, on the floor. There's fucking toothpaste everywhere but in the cunting tube.

24/7, wall to wall, X FActor. There's no escape form it in this house. Every room I go in, people cheering and yelling about X Factor. Genuine excitement about it. YES!!! X FACTOR IS ON!!! They love it. Can't get enough of it. They watch the show on Saturday, then two repeats of it on Sunday. Each time braying louder and louder, until in the end it was as if a troop of Mandrills were in the lounge watching anaemic fucking Michael Cunting Jackson covers from people with shit all talent and charisma.

AND WHO FINISHED OFF MY JAR OF PICKLE? Seriously? There's no bread, no cheese, nothing. Yet someone still managed to finish of the jar of pickle I spent my last 90p on. They must have been using a spoon to fill their fat fucking face with it.

And no doubt they didn't wash up the spoon, they just tossed it in to the bottom of th sink, with all the rest of the fucking cutlery. No. It'd be too easy to clear up as you went. Instead, leave everything in there, then tut and fucking blame me for it because I've been in all day, and it's easier to blame than clean.

No. There'd be none of this in Godthab. Just space, and peace, and Jesper Gronkjaer.

[DCI Harry Batt]

I think I need a few moments sit down

So. How about getting out of there for a bit?

[DCI Harry Batt]

I think I need a few moments sit down

I had a mate who claimed to have "Tristan da Cunha" as part of his name, because an ancestor was yer actual Tristan bloke who did the discovering or somesuch.

I never believed him. But if he wasn't lying, maybe he has some property there.

[EIM]

I think I need a few moments sit down

I've emailed Greenland asking for advice.

[Er Liquidatore]

I think I need a few moments sit down

Jesper is great isn't he?

[EIM]

I think I need a few moments sit down

I always felt he was trying to climb aboard the Ole Gunnar Solskjaer led -jaer bandwagon.

[EIM]

I think I need a few moments sit down

I got a reply from Greenland. It wasn't satisfactory:

Hello Chris

Thank you for your inquiry and interest in Greenland.

[WOM]

I think I need a few moments sit down

They probably like to take things slowly.

As a result of this thread, I wiki'd Godthab [Nuuk] Greenland, and have to say it looks like quite a nice town. Cute houses. Nice terrain. Not at all like our frozen northern outposts, which all look a little 'mobile home park after a hurricane'.