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    I've got some new glasses. They looked alright in the shop, but now I've got home I've realised that they make me look like a younger version of this gentleman:



    If ever Guy Ritchie decides to make a 'Young Indiana Jones'-style TV series of Bricktop's formative years I'm a fackin' shoe in for the lead role.

    Now, tell me about your spectacle-related mishaps before I feed you to the pigs.

    #2
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    As a reward for passing my Eleven Plus and to help me not look a complete spod on starting senior school, my parents took me to the opticians to get a replacement for the standard-issue plastic National Health specs I'd had to wear until then.

    I picked out what I thought was a very smart "aviator"-style frame and looked forward to cutting a dash at the new school. Well, when I say "cutting a dash" I mean "not being mercilessly bullied for being a speccy twat wearing Roland Browning goggles".

    Of course, on the first day, some horrible twat from the second year saw me, shouted "Haha, look - it's Cliff Richard!" and sealed my miserable fate.

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      #3
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      I found my first pair of glasses the other day. God help me if in ten years time I turn round and think the same thing about my current ones.

      They were gold rimmed elliptical things, very thin frames with a bar across the top which made them look like they needed it to keep each lens together.

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        #4
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        Great so-dorky-they're-cool glasses of our time:







        People trying too hard:




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          #5
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          I have a very personal relationship with my glasses. I was a proper speccy geek when I was a teenager (you would never have guessed), but got contact lens when I started playing football "properly" (it was never an issue when I was at school). I ended up wearing them all the time until I stopped playing, and went back to glasses about a year later. I now only wear lens when I can't find my glasses.

          I have no idea how short sighted I am, because, well, I've always been this short sighted. My prescription is -7.25 in one eye and -7.5 in the other, but I don't really know what that means.

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            #6
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            I don't wear glasses, but all my family do. Last time I had an eye test was about seven years ago, when I was joining the police. Seriously, I was joining the police. Hahahaha. Nuts, man. Anyway, I had pretty much perfect sight back then.

            Now though. now I think I could do with a pair. Catching a bus is a nightmare. I'm never really sure which bus is approaching right until the last minute. The tension sometimes overwhelms me. Do I put my arm out, do I not? FUCK, too late.

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              #7
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              The strangest thing about contact lens (as far as I'm concerned) it the peripheral vision. I'm so used to being able to only see a rectangle perfectly and everything else being completely blurred that it still scares me a bit when I can see all angles perfectly.

              And yes, the concept of you being a policeman is a curious one.

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                #8
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                It doesn't surprise me that EIM wanted to be a copper; I saw what he said about Malted Milk biscuits the other day. He's got a vicious streak, that one.

                I've worn glasses since I was four, apparently my cloth-eyes are a result of catching measles. I got contact lenses when I was 16 though, as I decided it would be a nice idea to have sex at some point in my life and the Hans Moleman look wasn't helping me to achieve this.

                A couple of years ago I went back to mostly wearing the specs. For, yes, I had done sex. Yay me.

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                  #9
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                  The other good thing about having new glasses, other than that they sometimes make you look like Bricktop, is that you feel dizzy for a few days like you've been punched really hard in the side of the head. In my case this dizziness is down to a slight change in my presription and the realisation that I've spent a lot of money on making myself look like Bricktop.

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                    #10
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                    Why not take on the demeanour of him?

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                      #11
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                      The concept of EIM as a copper...

                      "We've found this man in a desperate state, Detective Inspector EIM".

                      "What's happened to him?"

                      "He appears to have been chased down to this canalside pathway, beaten up, then stabbed several times in his chest before being left for dead."

                      "Is he still alive?"

                      "Barely, sir, but yes. The ambulance is on its way."

                      "Right, let's have a look at him. For God's sake, Lewis! Don't tread on the evidence! Right. Hey, son, it's okay, we'll get you home. I just need to look at these wounds. Bloody hell, is that a Liverpool shirt he's been stabbed through?"

                      "Yes, Detective Inspector."

                      "Hmm, I thought so. Right, everyone. We've got to move quickly. Lewis, and you, chuck him in the canal. Then all of us leave, quietly. TURN THOSE BLOODY SIRENS OFF! Lewis - cancel that ambulance. Nothing to see here, folks, move along."

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                        #12
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                        "Lewis, just, errr, hold this knife for me a minute. That's great. Cheers."

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                          #13
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                          "Is Greggs still open?"

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                            #14
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                            "We've found this man in a desperate state, Detective Inspector EIM".

                            "What's happened to him?"

                            "He appears to have been chased down to this canalside pathway, beaten up, then stabbed sev..."

                            "Shit Lewis. Look at that duck. He looks like Russ Abbott. I fucking love ducks."

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                              #15
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                              "Shit Lewis. Look at that duck. He looks like Russ Abbott. I fucking love ducks."
                              This is the sort of policing that we need more of.

                              "Have you ever seen an Indian Runner Duck, Lewis? Their necks... they're so... long"

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                                #16
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                                "I mean, by christ, Lewis".

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                                  #17
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                                  Can't you hear him quacking the tune to "Atmosphere"? Come on, Lewis - at least try.

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                                    #18
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                                    Oh no. That hasn't done me any good at all.

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                                      #19
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                                      "Looking at the blood spatter, you can see... Sir? SIR?"

                                      "Lewis?"

                                      "Yes sir?"

                                      "Who do you reckon would win in a fight between a bear and a tiger?"

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