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Attention EIM and TonTon

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    Attention EIM and TonTon

    You both have PMs.

    #2
    Attention EIM and TonTon

    Seen. And replied.

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      #3
      Attention EIM and TonTon

      Oooh, ooh, I'm so excited!

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        #4
        Attention EIM and TonTon

        and now I have replied too. And I'm even more excited.

        Isn't life exciting?

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          #5
          Attention EIM and TonTon

          Quite.

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            #6
            Attention EIM and TonTon

            In other exciting news, I just got the new MacBook at work. For no good reason, here's a thermal image of me, five minutes ago.

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              #7
              Attention EIM and TonTon

              Wow. That's quite something.

              I'm glad you're finding constructive ways to spend your time.

              (Says me)

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                #8
                Attention EIM and TonTon

                I'm the proverbial "Oh, look, something shiny..." person. I think I'm an undiagnosed ADD, but I don't much care.

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                  #9
                  Attention EIM and TonTon

                  Here's me Warholized.

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                    #10
                    Attention EIM and TonTon

                    That looks like a nice office space.

                    What do you do?

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                      #11
                      Attention EIM and TonTon

                      Writer at an ad agency.

                      We're in one of those old factory spaces. There's a window behind me, a drain pipe and water pipe over me, and that thing that looks like an old cast-iron radiator is an old cast-iron radiator, mounted to the ceiling. The place is built entirely of 18 by 24 inch wood timbers that must have been 500 years old when they were felled about 90 years ago.

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                        #12
                        Attention EIM and TonTon

                        Posh twat.

                        I used to work in an old bike warehouse, it was immense. Huge, high ceiling, mezzanine level, girders, exposed brick work, everything. Sadly by the time I turned up there, they'd ruined it by turning it in to a wacky student theme pub. Although it looked cosmetically beautiful, the minute you started scratching away at it with your fingernail, you uncovered layers, and layers of crud. It had the worst plumbing of any place in the world ever. At times it was like pulling pints in the trenches of the Somme. In fact, I wrote about it once on here. I'll see if I can dig it up...

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                          #13
                          Attention EIM and TonTon

                          Ah, here. Posted 22 December 2005. 2005? Jesus. Time flies.

                          Last night at work the toilets flooded. Both the men's and women's. But it wasn't just a normal flood of overflowing toilet. It was the sump overflowing, sending sewage, proper human waste all over the place.

                          There was three inches of putrid waste lapping gently against the walls. Really, the pub should have closed, but we weren't allowed as THERE WAS MONEY TO TAKE! And fuck human issues and sanitation when you can make a quick buck. And hey, don't worry if the urine and shit is flowing freely and happily into the kitchen. It's not a fucking problem at all.

                          So I went and tried to mop it up. It was a pretty pointless exercise, akin to trying to empty the river lune with a teaspoon. It was made harder by the constant flow of customers trying to use the facilities. Anyone who's ever worked in a pub will know that the minute you have to mop anything up, be it puke, shit or beer, crazed grinning idiots will try to crack wise with you. "Hey, hey! Been a flood?!!!!" the wacky cunts will offer as you float helplessly past trying to cling onto a turd for dear life. No, you zany cunt. All this fetid brown water is meant to be here. It's a fucking sewage water feature. You pointless prick.

                          SO I'm there mopping up the urine and shit. Or at least trying to. And my shoes and socks are both soaked - drenched - in this awful piss-water. And it began to soak up my trousers, so that from the knee down I'm effectively Mr Piss-Shit, and I'm fielding all these oh-so-fucking-hilarious one liners from piss artist wank fucks in pink t shirts when my boss tells me it's getting busy on the bar and could I go and help out?

                          Fair enough. Working on the bar is more my job than some sort of Sisyphean task involving human waste. But the minute I hauled my piss soaked self onto the bar, I began to get more aggro from the customers.

                          Whilst serving a woman, a guy comes up to me and says "Scuse me mate, you need to do something about the toilets."

                          Do I? Do I really? I thought I'd leave them like that. The three inches of foul stinking shit juice is quite fetching I thought. I looked to the customer I was serving. "£1.60 please."

                          "I mean," the cunt in the Stone Island jumper continued. "They're disgusting. You really need to sort them out."

                          "Yes sir. I'm aware there's a problem, but there's only so much I can do about it while the pub is trading. We've had people mopping down there for an hour, and we're really doing our best." I replied politely before turning to the customer I was serving. "That's £1.60, please."

                          "But it's not a good image for your pub. There are people down there saying how much it smells."

                          LOOK YOU CUNT. I FUCKING KNOW. I JUST SPENT AN HOUR OF MY FUCKING LIFE ANKLE DEEP IN THAT FUCKING STUFF. I'M COVERED IN IT. SMELL ME. JUST FUCKING SMELL ME. I REEK LIKE PISS AND SHIT. MY TROUSERS ARE CAKED - FUCKING CAKED IN THE STUFF. IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW FUCKING GRIM IT IS IN THE TOILETS IT'S ME. YOU ONLY HAVE TO DRINK HERE. I FUCKING WORK HERE. YOU CUNT. AND WHAT AM I MEANT TO DO ANYWAY? HUH? HUH? I'M NOT EVEN THE MANAGER. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE TO WALLOW IN MY PISS, SHIT AND MISERY.

                          "I agree wholeheartedly sir, and I can only apologise and hope this hasn't forever tainted your appreciation of this pub. That's £1.60 please."

                          After about three minutes of chatting to the man who noticed the toilet tidal system, and trying to coax on pound fucking sixty out of the gorm stood at the bar, I decided I'd had enough. I went to the staff toilet, had a full wash, and changed into clean clothes, promising never to return to the bar again.

                          After cleaning up the pub (as best we could when it was drenched in shit-piss-water) I decided I needed a beer. So I went to the cash machine. Which promptly swallowed my card.

                          I popped onto Lloyds today to ask what the beef was. That shouldn't have happened as I don't have an overdraft, I never go overdrawn, I don't have any cheques, switch, direct debits or any other payments coming out of my account, and these are the only things that can cause my card to be withdrawn.

                          Or so I thought.

                          The beardy man behind the counter informed me that my card had been cancelled and that a notice had been put on my account that it was to be closed. "Why?" I justifiably enquired. He didn't know. There was no reason why this should have happened. He told me he'd have to ring a few people, ask a few questions, and that he'd get back to me.

                          About an hour ago he did. Apparently my college three times tried to take £1000 out of my account without telling me. Due to me not having £1000 in my accounts, the request was denied. Three times. Which under the terms of my account means it gets closed.

                          So I get paid tomorrow. I kind of need the money for Christmas. You know, buying presents, getting home, stuff like that. I asked if this would affect my wages. "Weeeeelllll..." he mused. "You just have to cross your fingers that you get paid before we close your account. Otherwise your wages will be returned." Leaving me totally penniless over the Christmas period? "Yup."

                          Well this is great. I told my boss, asked if there was anything she could do? Of course there wasn't. It's far too late. And if I don't get new bank account details to her by tomorrow, I won't be getting paid next week either. But I can't open a new account as I have no fucking ID with me up here to do so. So I'm basically fucked.

                          Now. I realise that in the grand scheme of things, smelling of, and being covered in, piss shit and sweat and being totally broke aren't *major* problems. But they're still make me feel miserable as hell. And so I feel somewhat justified and vindicated in replying to anyone telling me to have a merry, or happy, or any variation thereof, Christmas, to FUCK RIGHT OFF.

                          Cheers for your time.

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                            #14
                            Attention EIM and TonTon

                            Christ. I made myself angry just readng that.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Attention EIM and TonTon

                              Posh twat.
                              Oh, I so am not. I'm as common as dirt.

                              Good tale, though. That'll go in the anthology.

                              Comment


                                #16
                                Attention EIM and TonTon

                                I think I just wet myself reading it. (I'm sure I read the original all that time ago) I always was a sucker for childish toilet humour, but I couldn't stop laughing. Schadenfreude is funny, end of.

                                as you float helplessly past trying to cling onto a turd for dear life.

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                                  #17
                                  Attention EIM and TonTon

                                  "I think I just wet myself reading it."

                                  Well don't expect me to clear it up.

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                                    #18
                                    Attention EIM and TonTon

                                    PM for Gramsci now.

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                                      #19
                                      Attention EIM and TonTon

                                      Replied.

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                                        #20
                                        Attention EIM and TonTon

                                        USE YOUR OWN THREAD

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                                          #21
                                          Attention EIM and TonTon

                                          This is my thread.

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                                            #22
                                            Attention EIM and TonTon

                                            Is it bollocks

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                                              #23
                                              Attention EIM and TonTon

                                              It's more mine than yours.

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                                                #24
                                                Attention EIM and TonTon

                                                How do you work that out?

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                                                  #25
                                                  Attention EIM and TonTon

                                                  Attention EIM (and afterthought).

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