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Is this what a midlife crisis feels like?

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    Is this what a midlife crisis feels like?

    I have, for several months, not felt any joy in life. Not that I have any real problems - my job's secure and comfortable, I have holidays planned for 2019, my kids, cats and wife are all healthy and so by almost all indicators I'm tickety-boo.

    But I'm constantly - daily - just feeling this overwhelming sense of "Oh. Is this it, then?" I can't explain how and why I should be answering that by "wow, yes it is, haven't you done well!" as opposed to "yeah, looks it is, loser" but that's where I end up. I don't quite know how to shake this. I've always (up until now) been really positive and happy about pretty much everything. I'm 46 and my daughters, in particular, are now reaching adulthood and don't need me to be Dad anymore, as they flit off to independence; is that it, I wonder? A sense of "my job here is done"?

    #2
    Well I don't recommend buying an E-type, or a acquiring a twenty-year-old mistress.

    Seriously though, I suspect we deal with the andropause in different ways but most men experience it in some form. In my own case it coincided (contributed?) to end of my first marriage and loss of my business. It took about a year to deal with the consequent confusion and depression (mainly the latter.) The resolution finally began by talking to old friends who know me well and whom I could trust. Then later total strangers with specific skills. Retrospectively it was about "finding the path I'd left untraveled." Which I realise sounds corny, or glib, but it's the most concise way I can put it. In my case the answer lay in learning. I'd been a total fuck up at school, though part of me always felt I was at least as smart as those who did well. I began by teaching — instead of practicing — what I knew, something I'd always tried to do with clients anyway. I found I enjoyed it and was pretty good it. Then I figured if I was going to teach for the rest of my life, I'd better do some heavy duty learning. So, over time I acquired a couple of post-grad degrees. Now I'm just trying to figure out what to do next...

    BTW. Though it may not seem like it now your daughters will always need you to be Dad. Just in a different way. I'm closer to AdeC jr than I've ever been. We have lengthy conversations at least two or three times a week. I love what he's doing and how he's living his life, though he thinks he's as much of a fuck up at the moment as I did at his age.

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      #3
      It feels like your 'finishing a collection' thread was a precursor to this, Rogin.

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        #4
        Just so it's been said, if feelings of 'no joy from life' persist, go speak to a professional. Could be nothing, but best to know for sure.

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          #5
          I am 52, and I have never felt better, mentally. Physically, I am a fucking mess.

          But, I can still play 5 a sides, I can run around a table tennis forehand, and not suffer a(n) heart attack on the badminton court.

          In my mind.

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            #6
            Oddly, Rogin, I have had exactly the same feelings. I kind of know where they are coming from though. I realised that, despite the Bored Jr-related stress recently, it was quite, well, exciting and, though I am completely over the moon with how it ended up, life has become quite humdrum without the drama. We are somewhat strapped financially strapped due, in different ways, to Bored Jr's exploits which means I really am earning money just to get by and watching the pennies after years of not having to think about it. Not only that but the major real expense - the purchase of our house and the renovations we did to it - is somewhat tarnished by damp, a leak in the roof and other wear and tear that depresses me every time I see it. Little things like presently not going for my eye test as I know that I will probably need new glass costing a couple of hundred quid are pissing me off. I also may not be able to finish the Masters, that I am in the middle of, due to financial and time constraints. I have no real pension to talk about, neither has the wife and our mortgage is going to run past our retirement age. Mainly, though, I am so shallow that I realise that it is mainly because I haven't done a gig for ages.

            I do know that, in reality, I am going through a minor temporary feeling of ennui, melancholy at most (which we Welsh revel in) and I genuinely live by the maxim "Men make plans to make God laugh" and, however much I worry about the future, I can't really do anything about it. I think that, ultimately, I know that myself and my loved ones are in good health (and not in prison), I have a job that I pretty much enjoy and earn pretty reasonable wages from (I am not on Universal Credit, for instance), I have a roof - albeit leaking - over my head and, though they have just both pissed me off, I have got a fantastic wife and son.

            However, I do know that, if depression kicks in, it doesn't matter what positives you have in life, it is a very real condition that all the love, money, comfort and, certainly, acquisitions in life cannot assuage. I have not, as far as I am aware, had a midlife crisis (unless you count retraining as a teacher at 43) so can't really talk from any position of authority but I do agree with WOM that, if you have a long-term feeling of joylessness, it may be worth speaking to someone.

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              #7
              Rogin, it is easy to see how, on the day he has a letter published in the Star, a man might weep salt tears at the thought that there are no new worlds to conquer, but this sounds more longstanding.

              I can't add much to the suggestions above; don't underestimate how many apparently happy and fulfilled people around you may be harbouring similar doubts and, if things are closing in on you, talk to someone about it.

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                #8
                I think the first question to ask oneself in this situation, Rogin, is whether there’s a woman in your office with big tits who’s been giving you the eye.

                I was terribly frustrated with life at 40. Nice house, nice car, nice income, nice holidays. Fucking nice.

                I didn’t want fucking nice. I wanted fucking exciting. In fact (for those of you who recall me over sharing some of the former Mrs H’s quirks) I’d have quite liked the occasional bit of fucking to be honest.

                I ended up buying a set of Anthony Robbins CDs (“Awaken the Giant Within”). I was about a quarter of the way through them and growing heartily sick of his constant referrals to his “amazing wife” only to get home one evening and read a news story about him having buggered off with a younger woman. I gave the CDs away.

                This sounds like a new dawn, Rogin; a chance to embark on new projects. I’d be inclined to try stuff, join a class, volunteer, do parkrun, join a cycling group, talk to an oap at a bus stop, take up art, learn how to build a dry stone wall, try your luck at life. I’m actually bloody envious.

                I felt a lot of pressure in my forties (financial, family, midlife crisis). My fifties has, I think, been my favourite decade so far. Hopefully you’ll enjoy the same sort of renaissance.

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                  #9
                  I am 49. My life is divided in two, the mundane one which is pleasantly dull, job is ok, roof over my head, i live in a shithole but easy enough to get to Manchester, got meself Netflix, cooking a nice tea, read stuff, etc...

                  Then there is what i do for fun, my outdoors activities and this is when my soul soars above the clouds, litterally sometimes, when i feel happy, when my life makes sense. As i can't bugger off to the high places all the time, i have added running to my activities. Trail running, at night, when all is quiet. Missus was a bit wary at first but she is now convinced too, only took two runs...

                  Winter is coming too. Soon, i will be up a mountain covered in snow and ice, looking at a pale, red sun on the horizon, hours away from the car or the train station and descend into the valley, by moonlight. I even get to see my shadow.

                  It's not for everybody, but for me it is what saves me from this drsining ennui that can affect so many.

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                    #10
                    I think it's fair to say Rogin that you're not alone. It does seem to happen to many people (especially men, and especially in the affluent world) roughly between 45 and 55. It's good that you have become aware of it and that you are thinking about it. There is lots of great advice above, but ultimately what works for you is what works for you. For me it was(is) meditation and exercise. I still don't do enough of the latter, but I know it helps.

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                      #11
                      I'm going to start cooking again. I've always enjoyed it - the whole creative process, from shopping for ingredients to planning the actual cooking and of course eating it. Signora Rogin has been on a strict diet recently, and that combined with our various work schedules has meant that I'd fallen into the easy but inevitable option of 'cooking for one' becoming 'might as well just buy a ready meal' to "it's Tuesday, it's Asda lasagne night'. Breaking that particular little part of my Groundhog Day will help enormously. Especially with winter coming, as my most successful dishes are hotpots, casseroles, chilli and the like. Simple peasant fare but with enough room to experiment and have fun with. My diet will improve too compared to ready meals which is no bad thing either. Plus I can watch Saturday kitchen actually for the food not just travel ideas.

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                        #12
                        That's a very good idea. I find nothing more restful than making a really slow-cooked ragu sauce. Especially good is if I have the time the next day to make it into a lasagne.

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                          #13
                          Originally posted by Bordeaux Education View Post
                          I find nothing more restful than making a really slow-cooked ragu sauce.
                          True, it's moving the guns and the drugs that's the stressful part.

                          Slow cooking is very relaxing, I suppose partly because by definition it can't be rushed.

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                            #14
                            Cooking is ace. Relaxing as suggested.

                            Even when it does wrong.

                            Anyway, my 'mid-life crisis' is whether I can be bothered to work anymore. I can retire and get by, but would struggle for the finer things in life, like erm….weekends away, beer and football.

                            I used to like to work, but now it's just a tremendous chore. I can't even be bothered to look for another job. The rigmarole of form filling, interviews and all that leaves me cold. It used to be fun and exciting to a degree.

                            Ho hum.

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                              #15
                              Cooking is great and very relaxing, I’m not very good so I go for basic recipes (luckily, my wife is pretty good at cooking so I let her tackle the hard stuff). This book is great, 4 steps max and 6 ingredients max, very easy-to-follow recipes:







                              I have the French version (for my wife to practice her French) and the green book (the healthy version) has the calories, not sure about the standard one.

                              (written by a French chef who had little time for home cooking and whose friends were constantly complaining of having no time etc. so he decided to write his own basic recipes with a very simple but very effective design, user-friendly photos below. Instant best-seller in France when it was released ~3 yrs ago, and translated into many languages since then).








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                                #16
                                We’re all different of course but the first step is communication IMO and IME, but not with anyone (can be counterproductive) but with someone both positive and understanding, a genuinely empathetic person. You don’t want to open up to one of those full of relentless optimism "cheer up snap out of it" mavens nor do you want to talk to a Baudelairista who will awfulise everything and swear blind that your salvation lies in opium and decadence. Most people nowadays I think go through a mid-life crisis type of situation at least once in their life, so you may find some common ground with people who have experienced it and that maybe you didn’t think had. A French GP I know told me 3 yrs ago that most patients he sees tell him (I summarise) that they're too tired, fed up with life, or have Shit Life Syndrome, sometimes all three combined. The next stage, if not tackled, can be depression.

                                I think that trying to focus on the little, simple pleasures of life is key, I posted this yesterday: https://www.onetouchfootball.com/sho...=1#post1486998

                                Clubs help too IME, whatever the activity they all provide a new environment,new people to meet so in theory a good boost, you can dip in and out, it's flexible and expected these days. Ditto craft, painting etc. very relaxing and therapeutic. You really don’t have to be talented, I mess around with various crafty things, I’m very untalented but manage to produce half passable stuff. I'm pleased with myself most of the time! The point is pleasure of course, I’m not aiming to exhibit at the Biennale. The key for these activities to bring benefits is to change regularly and rotate, to try different things all the time. I love swimming but it can be a bit boring so I sometimes I try new water-based things, I went to a few "floatfit" sessions (on an aquabase board) a few months ago and it was both great fun and a relaxing workout. There’s often quite a lot on offer in a swimming-pool that’s not pure swimming, ask yr local pool.

                                If it’s a physical activity, it doesn’t have to be high intensity stuff, just a walk from time to time is excellent, especially somewhere new. Nice beaches and hills (views) are the best IMO, with a dog preferably. Not all beaches are nice but I’m lucky to have great ones close to where I live in Northumberland. There’s often walking groups in villages/towns (I don’t mean the Ramblers) or you can create your own, which is what we’ve done with a few others.

                                Your nearest leisure centre is bound to have plenty of activities with new ones regularly added to the list, I aim to try at least 1 new thing per year. 2 yrs ago I tried boxercise for 3 months, brilliant, 5-a-side football is great obviously (walking football if you're unfit, I think it's more for over 50s but I'm not sure) or table tennis is great too.

                                In Northumberland we’ve got a good set-up, called "Active Northumberland", dozens of activities on offer across several leisure centres & swimming-pools, maybe you’ll have something similar where you are.

                                Volunteering is another avenue, it’s rewarding, you get to help people and socialise with nice people by and large, you may even acquire new skills too. Again it doesn’t have to be taxing, just a few hours a week helping your local library for instance can do you a world of good, that sort of thing.

                                There will be local volunteering organisations in your area offering a wide a range of opportunities, there are the national or umbrella organisations too of course, such as the National Council for Voluntary Organisations (NCVO), they’ll be able to advise and point you in the right direction.

                                Or it can be one-offs, like cleaning operations (picking up rubbish on beaches, on dunes, in parks etc.) they’ve got that several times a year in Northumberland, I think it’s organised by the Council in partnership with local volunteer organisations and charities.

                                In Northumberland, as the coast is classified as an AONB (Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty), we have a few of these charities, such as Coast Care, they’re flexible, you don’t have to commit, you can just give 1 hr or 2 of your time occasionally or just turn up on the day, they do things like beach cleans, litter picks, light maintenance (in dunes and meadows particularly), walks, wildlife stuff, photography etc. and plenty other events all year long. It’s very varied, they put lists up on their website, Facebook, Instagram etc. and you turn up. Maybe you’ve got something very informal like that where you are, if you like the outdoors you should like it.

                                You may need a DBS for some volunteer stuff (especially if you work with vulnerable adults and children obvs but not only – I mean, I remember church bell ringers needing a standard DBS a few yrs ago… Who knows maybe they'll need an enhanced one soon), the volunteer agency will help you with it probably, I’ve always had one so I don't really know but ask them how to go about it but it’s free for volunteers, you won’t have to for out the ~£50 it costs.

                                A change of scenery from time to time can be fun and a good morale booster. Again, it doesn’t have to be far away, just somewhere/thing different. It’s nice when you work and stuff to have destination plans/goals every 2-3 months, somewhere special with the family or just yr wife, or friends.

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                                  #17
                                  Lots of good advice there - thanks. Travel's always been a big prop for me, and one I still focus on. I join the 50 country club next year, which may or may not be a good thing - only milestone after that is 100 countries, which I'll never do!

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