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Non-specific grief

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    Non-specific grief

    I don't know where to begin with this one.

    I took a phone call from my mam earlier, which is not unusual in itself. She called to tell me that the 19 year old daughter of an old friend of mine - a friend who grew up in the same village as me, who had the same interests as me, and who to all intents and purposes was my brother - was killed in a car accident earlier today. The driver of the van that smashed into her car as she drove to college was under the influence of drugs at the time, apparently.

    I can't unpack it.

    We've not seen each other in around 20 years and yet I feel viscerally sad for him. I can't imagine what he's going through. Actually, that's not true. I can, and I really hope it's nothing like I'm imagining, although I'm convinced it definitely is.

    You'll never read this, Wayne, and I have no idea how to reach out to you, but I really hope you can find a way out of this.

    EDIT: Maybe it's specific grief. No idea. It's just a dull ache for an old friend who I can't help.

    #2
    . I’m sorry for your friends terrible loss. And for you. Take it easy .
    Sudden death of the young is always very shocking
    You could send him a version of this.via your mum or any other way. I’m sure he’d appreciate it.

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      #3
      Fuck Toby that’s horrible. I hope you are able to reach him in some way.

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        #4
        Damn, dude, I am so sorry to hear of this tragic news. The connection you mention with this guy is no less real for the 20 years' radio silence. Take care of you and yours.

        The thread title reminded me strongly of something I experienced recently, quite different but maybe there's a faint echo, when after listening to some true life crime podcasts on various long running/complex/controversial murder cases, I remembered a famous case from my hometown of Wokingham in the early 1980s, one featured on the first ever episode of Crimewatch. The case was unsolved for decades but a timeline of a really appalling crime was pieced together eventually. The victim was a boy the same age as me, and reading about it again brought home just how close in every sense it was to me – just across the road or near the playground in some cases. It was all just so, so unthinkably sad and hard to deal with, even though it was all in the past.
        Last edited by diggedy derek; 09-10-2018, 21:02.

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          #5
          That's grim TG, I'm so sorry.

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            #6
            I am so sorry Toby. Twenty years is nothing at a time like this. There is still that sense of loss. Be strong, man. My thoughts are with you.

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              #7
              What everyone else said, man.

              None of us are wired to know how to respond to something like this.

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                #8
                As above. My extended family (brothers wife's sister) had their two year old son not wake up this past weekend. No one truly knows what to say or do. Given all of us have children of similar ages hugs have been a little more enduring.

                If it weren't for you mentioning similar I doubt I would have mentioned it - death is something that is always obscenely close, so we make ways to cope with how fragile life truly is.

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                  #9
                  That’s awful news Toby. But your grief for him is more than understandable.

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                    #10
                    So sorry

                    Life is like that sometimes. It just ends. And there’s no good reason for it. It can’t be fixed. The burden can only be carried. That’s why people need other people.

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                      #11
                      Too true. We have a couple of friends/family who lost children well before their time. Both were changed irrevocably. My sympathies to you and your friend Toby.

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                        #12
                        All of the above Toby.

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                          #13
                          Originally posted by caja-dglh View Post
                          As above. My extended family (brothers wife's sister) had their two year old son not wake up this past weekend. No one truly knows what to say or do. Given all of us have children of similar ages hugs have been a little more enduring.

                          If it weren't for you mentioning similar I doubt I would have mentioned it - death is something that is always obscenely close, so we make ways to cope with how fragile life truly is.
                          This is truly devastating, I cannot think of anything worse.

                          So sorry for you and your family and for Toby too.

                          Words are really not adequate enough.

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                            #14
                            F'ing hell Toby, I've just read this, so sorry to hear your connection to this.

                            Our car share was about 300 yards back (but round a curve, we didn't see it) when it happened, and one of my team at work also knows the family. There have been a few bad accidents round the area recently but this one was particularly chilling.
                            Last edited by Walt Flanagans Dog; 10-10-2018, 06:07.

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                              #15
                              That's horrible news Toby and I've no idea how one would begin to handle a situation like that. Very sorry.

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                                #16
                                Sorry to hear this, Toby. It can be more difficult to process things, particularly in the short term, when you don't have a defined role or course of action to take.

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                                  #17
                                  I hope that you're managing to unpack this a little bit, Toby, that's awful news and my thoughts are with you.

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                                    #18
                                    Perhaps the corollary to non-specific grief can be non-specific gratitude. I remember when the Sandy Hook shooting happened, my kids' school Christmas concert was a few nights later. The mood in that room was like nothing I've felt before, or since. A sort of post-migraine elation / relief / gratitude accompanied by tears-in-eyes and a lot of glancing around between semi-strangers that said 'yeah, there but for the grace...etc'. It was weird and good and memorable.

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                                      #19
                                      This is truly awful, TG. I can offer no more than virtual fistbumps, hugs, manly pats on the back -- and thoughts for yourself and your friend's family.

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                                        #20
                                        Thanks, all. Appreciated as ever.

                                        I still have no idea how to process it, so I'm distracting myself by being a nuisance on the Brexit thread.

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                                          #21
                                          Toby perhaps you don't have to process having some compassion and empathy, especially for someone you were so close to at a formative time. Makes you a fine human being. I'm not sure if it's feasible but if your Mum knows the funeral date and venue perhaps go along if you can face it. I suspect support of that nature on such a day would mean a great deal to him. But do what feels right to you and try to be kind to yourself.

                                          Caja, sympathies for your extended family loss. Anything that hurts those we love hurts us too.

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