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What has "love" got to do with it?

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    What has "love" got to do with it?

    Can you ever really be sure you're "in love" with someone? Or is it just a temporary madness borne out of "I'd like to see them again, tomorrow, I hope they still like me"?

    Three months now, with my first proper girlfriend since the break-up from my ex-wife. The ex, herself, I would have to say, I can't honestly claim to have "loved" much, for the last three or four years. (My kids, needless to say, totally different matter, I love them more than I need my legs, arms or even my eyes).

    Me and the new Signorita Rogin are having a whale of a time. Endless nights of good food, good conversation, great "the other".

    But "love"? I can't honestly say yes to that. She's told me that she does, but I don't think I can reciprocate. I think there's something wrong, with me. I mean, isn't there about all this is, to any relationship? She accepts all my faults, and accepts me into her arms. But I still feel... somehow numb about the whole thing. I'm worried I won't ever "love" again. Is this just a passing phase I'm going through, after my break-up which is now 12 months distant? And am I being fair to her if she's feeling things for me ... am I stringing it along just because I'm getting my man-needs seen to pretty much every night?

    #2
    What has "love" got to do with it?

    I wish I had more time to give a lengthier reply to you, but basically stop being so hard on yourself (if you pardon the expression).

    First of all you underestimate how long it takes to get over your ex-wife. Second, it sounds like you've embarked on a successful relationship, so enjoy it. Third, don't confuse love and lust. Lust, certainly rampant lust, is a passing phase. What endures is the companionship. Do you enjoy her company, is life better when she's around etc. Fourth, if Howard Jones can't work it out, what hope have the rest of us got eh?

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      #3
      What has "love" got to do with it?

      If you havent had the 'pain in the guts' with this lady, you are not in love with her.

      However, this doesnt make you a bad person. It just might mean that you are not necessarily going to be in this relationship for the long haul.

      And as to never being in love again, who can say? Banal and trite as it is to say, it happens when you least expect it.

      And, while I am a firm believer in the 'love comes quickly' thing, it absolutely isnt the same for everyone.

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        #4
        What has "love" got to do with it?

        gerontophile wrote:
        'love comes quickly'
        Thanks for that. Long drive up North coming up and I now have a PSB earworm.

        'Love' comes at different times for different people Rogin.

        As BP says, just enjoy everything right now and see how you feel in 6-12 months, as it will all have probably sorted itself one way of the other by then.

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          #5
          What has "love" got to do with it?

          "What you call love was invented by guys like me, to sell nylons."

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            #6
            What has "love" got to do with it?

            Most of the time it's limerence.

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              #7
              What has "love" got to do with it?

              Limerence Will Tear Us Apart, indeed.

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                #8
                What has "love" got to do with it?

                What do you want love to be Rogin?

                I mean in my experience it runs all the way from "You don't actually suck (except when I ask you to)" at one extreme. To "You are the only person in the universe who understands me and who pleases me so much I want to be with you every second of every minute of every hour of every day ... and so on" at the other. At different times and places it's been both those things (and all stops in between) with every person in every long-term relationship I've ever had. Now it may be that there's a higher love-bardo available I've yet to attain, but I'm not counting on it. So I do the best I honestly can with the person I share my life with. I trust and respect her and try and gratify her in every way I am able to. I also, essentially, believe she returns those favours. What more can one human being expect?

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                  #9
                  What has "love" got to do with it?

                  quote]What more can one human being expect?[[/quote]
                  Cooking and blowjobs, according to that chap mentioned on the other thread.

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                    #10
                    What has "love" got to do with it?

                    Well, if you read my post carefully, they're covered. Or at least the latter are.

                    [edit] Which other thread?

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                      #11
                      What has "love" got to do with it?

                      I believe it was "No Excuse for Being Fat," or "Plenty of Excuses for Being Fat" or maybe the "OTF Singleton Thread."

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                        #12
                        What has "love" got to do with it?

                        Love? Schmove!

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                          #13
                          What has "love" got to do with it?

                          What is it with you people?

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                            #14
                            What has "love" got to do with it?

                            What do you mean "you people?"

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                              #15
                              What has "love" got to do with it?

                              Rog, do you feel happy when you wake up next to her?

                              If so then keep with it.

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                                #16
                                What has "love" got to do with it?

                                What I mean is that you shouldn't get hung up on the word. No-one knows what the other person means when they say it, so just go with it.

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                                  #17
                                  What has "love" got to do with it?

                                  Can you ever really be sure you're "in love" with someone?

                                  Oh, yeah. It usually involves being intensely nervous and shivery, an unsure feeling that triggers sweating, a slightly upset stomach and a racing pulse, a faster heart rate and all the symptoms that you'd identify with any illness, except that your mind and your ticker is staging the best carnival that even the stalwart party-goers of Rio couldn't match. Deciding on gender, when she or he is in the room, you're having the time of your life, and the person who's triggered all that off probably doesn't realise it.

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                                    #18
                                    What has "love" got to do with it?

                                    But there is a difference between being 'in love' and 'loving' someone, although I am not sure how to describe it properly. Although I think you (Bruno) just did).

                                    eg: I still love one of my ex's, and would go out of my way to help them if required, but there is no way on earth I would sleep with them. Although I suppose that's the definition of a friend.

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                                      #19
                                      What has "love" got to do with it?

                                      Love is very strange - it can come and go. It can happen when you are young or old. But the key thing to bear in mind is that when it comes, it comes from nowhere. I'd go so far as to say that when it comes, it changes your liiiii-HIIIIIIIFE.

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                                        #20
                                        What has "love" got to do with it?

                                        My boyfriend had similar qualms for the first few months of us going out. Was he in love with me, would he ever be in love with me, was he capable of loving someone properly, was he being fair to me, etc, etc. I mostly told him to stop being so stressed and just carry on having fun (seeing as we were enjoying the whole going out for nice meals, laughing at films, chatting shit together and having great sex side of things).

                                        Then around January this year the 'pain in the guts' thing hit him and he's no longer wondering, he just is in love with me.

                                        We've both had long-term relationships before and weren't sure if we'd love anyone else as much. I think you always doubt it until it hits again and then, even if you know it's mostly hormones, suddenly you stop caring about trying to define it and just try and enjoy every minute of it while it's there.

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                                          #21
                                          What has "love" got to do with it?

                                          Talking of which, I'm off to watch a film with him so tata for today.

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                                            #22
                                            What has "love" got to do with it?

                                            I think the hormones thing is it really. And brain chemistry. Sometimes I think that it's one of those things that you can't know till later, maybe. eg you can tell afterwards, by how much pain they caused you. But I'm not sure because that really comes under the self-centred thing Bruno describes. But then again, you could say everything does. Even a desire to protect someone else or make them happy is just reflexive on how much better that makes you feel. Maybe I only mean unrequited love. I don't know. This is almost exatly the post I would have posted at 2.30 this morning so why I bothered to stop myself then I don't know.

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                                              #23
                                              What has "love" got to do with it?

                                              What actually is "brain chemistry"? Is that just like when you've got interests and ideas in common and that?

                                              Good post by Bruno M up there

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                                                #24
                                                What has "love" got to do with it?

                                                Oh no, I meant literally - seratonin, dopamine, etc. Getting a rush of these nice chemicals is supposed to be addictive. So, people keep on doing smack and they keep on trying to have orgasms in the presence of the object of their affections. Difference is, love of smack lasts longer. Nature only needs these hormones and chemical addictions to last long enough for the people to produce a fucking replica of themselves. It's really creepy when you think about it.

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                                                  #25
                                                  What has "love" got to do with it?

                                                  And long enough to rear the replicas...

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