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    Horse 3-0 Cunts

    This week I have recouped a total of £100 from a variety of cunts.

    Earlier this year, the cunts at Barclays put in place a ridiculously complex new security system for their online banking. It's called, vomitously, PINsentry and involves a card that looks like a debit card but in fact can only be used with the PINsentry card reader. Insert the card, type in its PIN and the reader gives you an eight-digit number to enter into the website. Initially they sent the reader to my house, where all the bills go, and the card to my old address that I left two years ago, but eventually I got it working. Until a few weeks ago, that is, when it stopped. After a number of phone calls to the cunts at customer services, culminating in a 20-minute chat to the only cunt who knew how the fuck anything worked, it turned out that not only can you just use your ordinary debit card with the PINsentry reader, but that if you hold a debit card and then start using a PINsentry card as well, the system gets confused and cancels your online banking. So in other words, the card that I didn't ask for, that took them two attempts to send to me, was actually worse than useless. Stupid, stupid cunts. Anyway, as a result of not being able to transfer money online, I went overdrawn, for which the cunts charged me £30. Then when another transaction went through the cunts charged me another £30. I wrote to them pointing out that these charges are illegal, that I only went overdrawn because of their fucking stupid online banking system, and that if they didn't refund the £60 instantly I would simply close the account. I also strongly implied that on a personal and professional level, they were cunts. On Wednesday some cunt phoned to meekly inform me that the £60 would indeed be re-credited to my account.

    Earlier this month, I signed up for mobile broadband with Three. However, when I noticed that there's free wireless on my street (cough), and read not only that Three's mobile broadband might not work on my Linux machine, but also that Three are notorious for being, in customer services terms, cunts, I cancelled the contract, within their given cancellation period. Today I noticed that Three had charged me £15 for the first month anyway. £15 would not have been the right amount in any case, as I entered into the contract when they were offering it at the reduced price of £7.50. I phoned them today and the cunt on the other end ascertained in seconds that my account had indeed been terminated, and agreed to rectify the "error" of charging me twice the agreed price for a service I am not receiving.

    The Three direct debit was from my other bank account, with HSBC. Last month these cunts wrote to offer me an overdraft. It was the same one I had already, but this had "expired" and they were kindly offering me the chance to renew it for the bargain price of a £25 "arrangement fee". That's £25 for literally not doing anything - what a pack of cunts. So today I phoned them to say no thanks, I just won't have an overdraft facility any more, and don't even think of charging me £25. The cunt at HSBC put me on hold for over five minutes, then came back and said that as I was outside the 14-day cancellation period, they would indeed be charging me £25 - in a particularly fine piece of total cuntery, she then offered to cancel the overdraft anyway as that's what I had requested, ie she was offering to charge me £25 for a reduction in the service provided. Unfortunately for HSBC I'm not as credulous as they evidently hope people are, so I kept her on the line while I checked the letter, which said I had until today to reply and mentioned nothing of a 14-day time limit. She directed me to the terms and conditions, which stated that if I had accepted the offer I would have had 14 days to reconsider. I asked when HSBC thought I had accepted the offer, and the call centre cunt recited to me the date of the letter HSBC had sent. So their case was - and remember she went away for several minutes before trying this, so she'd evidently been told to say it by a more senior cunt - that their written offer itself constituted an acceptance by me of said offer. What a complete shower of cunts. When it became obvious that this crude attempt to swindle me out of £25 wasn't working, she put me on hold for another five minutes before returning to meekly announce that yes, they would cancel the overdraft, and no, they wouldn't charge me £25 for nothing whatsoever.

    In summary:
    Barclays - cunts.
    Three - cunts.
    HSBC - cunts.

    #2
    Horse 3-0 Cunts

    this week my bank tricked me into going in for a "full review", by sending letters to my parents house i haven't lived in for donkey's years saying they are desperately trying to contact me. the dire consequences of what they were so eggy to tell me about had me panicked: what if my bank account had burnt down?

    no, they want to check all my details are up to date - none of them were - and try and bully me into getting a loan to cover my overdraft. i pooh-poohed such notions as long-termism beyond my ken and bust out of there with other errands on my mind, and only fifteen minutes of a half-hour lunch break left.

    my mind got to thinking about the chap at the bank who point-blank refused to negotiate my overdraft, for which i am paying the "unarranged" rate of about 30% a year. every month for years a steady trickle of money disappears just for those swine to have the privilege of handling my cash. three times i'd been told by superior acting bank staff that the only way around this is to get a loan. or stop eating.

    so i dwelled on this, and got to clicking about the internet banking - i'm a simple man, and even the most base of economic concepts tend to fly over my head like a gerrard pass. anyway, i thought i'd give applying for an overdraft online a shot. i pretty much typed in how much i wanted and within a day had significantly pissed on the natwest's grubby little chips.

    anyway. the final blast of hot yellow justice that justifies this rambling and, compared to your horse's tales of woe, inconsequential episode came yesterday. i'd been to the dentist to get some work done, came home and manipulated a piece of toast into my mouth despite both sides of my gob being numbed up, when the swines rang me up. telling me they were concerned about the depth of my overdraft, and asking if i'd given any thought to the loan quotes they'd helpfully given me. "actually," i said, "your bank has already agreed to provide me with an overdraft facility on better terms than any of the loans i've been offered. thanks."

    and that was that. for once in my life i've outdone the bank, slightly. i just know they'll turn this around and fuck with me somehow. especially if any of them read otf and have seen the names i've called them.

    natwest monton? up your fucking borstal.

    Comment


      #3
      Horse 3-0 Cunts

      Horse, when you get your phone bill next month, send that to the cunts as well and tell them to pay it too.

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        #4
        Horse 3-0 Cunts

        Happily, I did all this on company time, on the company phone.

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          #5
          Horse 3-0 Cunts

          Sweeeet.

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            #6
            Horse 3-0 Cunts

            Ah! British banks one of my favourites...

            Apart from having the sensitivity to customer concerns of Eric the Red, what is it with their obsession with security? When I need to change a PIN number at my Canadian bank I do it myself, at any branch, in the UK I've got to wait for a special sealed envelope — that screams "I've got a PIN number inside!" to anyone whose interested in nicking it. Then I have to try and decipher something that looks like something from ten-year-old scratch and win card. It's all seems quite unnecessary.

            I signed up for mobile broadband with Three.

            Three? The Father, Son and Holy Ghost?

            Comment


              #7
              Horse 3-0 Cunts

              Many years ago I was a self-employed man-with-a-van, doing various removal and courier jobs around North Devon, until said van decided to die and I couldn't afford to fix it or replace it. So at the end of the financial year I sent off my tax return and thought nothing of it, until I got back from Australia some nine months later to find a tax demand for something like £1500.

              I wrote back saying that there must be some mistake because, as they could see from the accounts that I'd submitted, I'd actually made a loss, and that it was only a requirement to pay tax on any profit that I'd made. They replied, reducing the requested amount to £1200.

              Another letter from me, and they replied reducing the amount 'owed' to £900. Another letter from me, explaining that they still didn't get it, and that I wasn't going to pay them anything. They replied, reducing their request yet further. Another one in reply from me and, eventually, about nine months after the exchange of letters started, they sent me a rebate for £50.

              Comment


                #8
                Horse 3-0 Cunts

                I spent 40 minutes in Woolworths today.

                On Thursday, Mrs Horse was shopping, with The Foal (10 months old) in his pushchair. In Woolworths she purchased a garden swing for him, a heavy boxed item. She paid for it, but the transaction was interrupted when the cunt at the till somehow pushed the swing clean off the counter and onto The Foal's head. Mrs Horse left the shop sharpish, sans swing, to take The Foal to a doctor.

                With The Foal recovered (no major lasting effects - his eyes are now different colours and he can speak Portuguese, but otherwise he's normal), today I arrived at Woolworths to claim said item. The cunt at the till at the back (all the others were closed despite the large queue) smirked at me as if I were mental when I said I was collecting a paid-for item and was openly disdainful of my lack of proof of purchase. When I explained the circs he was slightly less disdainful - only slightly - and set off on a search for the item. He came back empty-handed and enlisted a Senior Cunt. He too vanished for several minutes before returning to say that he too was unable to find a reserved swing. When I balked at the prospect of a refund, they tried phoning the cunt who dropped the box on The Foal. He was out so they tried another bloke who was working on Thursday, and he offered some advice that led to the location of the object. Where was it? Behind the till at the front of the fucking shop. Evidently nobody had looked there in the previous 30 minutes of searching. I mean, CHRIST ON THE FUCKING CROSS, what a bunch of dim cunts.

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                  #9
                  Horse 3-0 Cunts

                  On Wednesday some cunt phoned to meekly inform me that the £60 would indeed be re-credited to my account.
                  Was that individual responsible for your problem?

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                    #10
                    Horse 3-0 Cunts

                    No. I seem to have made that error throughout the post.

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                      #11
                      Horse 3-0 Cunts

                      you're not going to believe this but yesterday I went to the post office to buy my car tax disc and there were no problems, none at all, not even a queue

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                        #12
                        Horse 3-0 Cunts

                        Why on earth would you go to the post office when you can buy car tax online?

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Horse 3-0 Cunts

                          Nice, but for a successful ad you've really got to give out the address.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Horse 3-0 Cunts

                            TonTon wrote:
                            Why on earth would you go to the post office when you can buy car tax online?
                            Could this not be why the twats in government feel justified in shutting 2,500 Post Offices up and down the land?

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Horse 3-0 Cunts

                              I don't think I could buy car tax online.

                              Comment


                                #16
                                Horse 3-0 Cunts

                                TonTon wrote:
                                Why on earth would you go to the post office when you can buy car tax online?
                                Because you need to get it straight away rather than wait 5 working days?

                                Comment


                                  #17
                                  Horse 3-0 Cunts

                                  My annual car insurance renews 2 days before my car tax, so the insurance isn't updated in the system in time.

                                  Comment


                                    #18
                                    Horse 3-0 Cunts

                                    tratorello wrote:
                                    TonTon wrote:
                                    Why on earth would you go to the post office when you can buy car tax online?
                                    Because you need to get it straight away rather than wait 5 working days?
                                    As long as it's on their database that you've bought it, the actual physical tax disc is pretty meaningless now.

                                    I remember that story of the guy who drove round for years with a baked bean can label in his windscreen instead of a tax disc.

                                    Comment

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