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Shouldn't Have Done That: OTF Fuck-Ups Of The Year

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    Shouldn't Have Done That: OTF Fuck-Ups Of The Year

    International Holocaust Hoax Day
    You need a permit, apparently.

    There are many reasons why one would wish to destroy a television. There really is only so much Soccer Saturday that one can take without needing to ingest industrial quantities of ketamine to stave off the urge to smash one's head through the screen every time Charlie Nicholas begins a sentence with "And you're just sitting there thinking..." Congratulations are in order, then, for Dermot Mulqueen of Ennis (of course), Co. Clare who became so incensed at an RTE documentary on the Holocaust screened in September last year that he took to the streets of the Clare town and smashed an axe into his TV in what he claimed was a piece of performance art. This in itself is understandable - the Holocaust is an emotive issue, after all - but it's safe to say that Mr. Mulqeen's views on the matter lie somewhere between "Can't believe it happened" to "Can't believe it only happened once." His performance, you see, was intended to launch a new global initiative that he termed International Holocaust Hoax Day. Market research probably would have told Mr. Mulqeen that a more ambiguous title might be needed if he wanted this thing to catch on, but lack of a feasibility study was the least of his problems. “What I find bewildering is that the accused thinks that the only offence is not to have got a permit to smash his own TV in public full stop and that history is being misrepresented”, remarked the presiding judge. Rumours that the accused's sentence involves repeat viewings of Shoah are at this point unconfirmed.

    HSBC - The Entire Corporation
    Rivalling ISIS for the title of Most Hateful Four-Letter Acronym In The English Language

    Not content with being a front for money-laundering and a facilitator for the aims of some of the most malevolent people on Earth, this year Europe's biggest financial fuckscum seemed to take a look at their recent record and come to the conclusion "Hmmn, must try harder." A financial institution somehow making itself even more detestable in the eyes of the public during the greatest recession since the early-mid 20th Century would take some doing but, not to be outdone by their superiors, members of the rank-and-file in the UK division managed just that by stating a mock-beheading of a co-worker during a team-building exercise. Still, got them top of the Banter League I suppose.

    Flight Into Terror - Conor McGregor Fans Divert Vegas Flight
    Just where were these fuckers on 9/11?

    Some of you may find this difficult to believe but there is a stereotype out there that defines all Irish people as mindless, ceaselessly belligerent, drunken dickheads who can't be trusted to navigate an escalator (see garcia's Twitter feed) without assistance from a social worker. So when Irish UFC title contender Conor McGregor was scheduled to take on Brazilian Jose Aldo in Las Vegas a considerable swathe of Irish society elected to travel over to witness the 13-second bout in all its glory. This included a party of young men who, prior to boarding a domestic flight from JFK to Vegas, had topped themselves up with several gallons of Celtic Conversational Aid. In scenes that could only have come from the darkest recesses of Peter Robinson's id, an argument broke out between two men and proceeded to become "heated", resulting in the plane being diverted back to JFK shortly after take-off, the unfortunate flight crew having to intervene to calm proceedings. This was after, of course, the cabin safety announcement had been interrupted with cries of "Olé Olé Olé" which had resulted in the plane being delayed to begin with. McGregor won the fight, in case you didn't hear, so for your sakes I hope you all like tricolours. You're going to be seeing a bit more of them.

    Denis O'Brien Sues Planet, Loses
    Abusing privilege.

    What do you do if you're so filthy rich you make the Top 200 Billionaires list and can afford to bribe a communications minister to the tune of £100,000 and joke about it? Well, if you're Irish media mogul, businessman and all-round corporate arsehole Denis O'Brien, you develop that mysterious trait affecting the super-rich and super-privileged - an acute sensitivity to any criticism - and seek to suppress dissent by using your vast fortune, acquired in circumstances that Roman Abramovich would find troubling, to sue people into silence. Described by The Irish Times as a "serial litigator", O'Brien has this year alone mounted five legal challenges against anyone principled enough to call him out, the most troubling being when he sent solicitors letters to media organistations insisting that they do not report on the allegations made in the Dail by Catherine Murphy TD who claimed that O'Brien had been the beneficiary of loans from IBRC on rather favourable terms. The courts eventually decided that this information was, actually, in the public interest and freedom of speech was restored. But for how long? As an afterthought, O'Brien's net worth is estimated at €6.8 billion. The front page stories on The Irish Times today are a proposal to allow Irish students to defer paying back their tuition fees until they start earning graduate salaries (€26,000) and a story stating the the number of destitute children in the country has doubled in the past year. Merry Christmas, everyone.

    Jaden Smith Writes Takes Up Philosophy
    Well, everybody probably thought Plato was crap at the time.

    Responsible for such illuminating insights as "I Just Scrolled Through My Tweets And 'I' Started Laughing", "If I Had A Nickel For Every Time I've Cried In The Back Of An Uber, I Would Have Another Pair Of Yeezy's", and "When You Live Your Whole Life In A Prison Freedom Can Be So Dull", Jaden Smith has evidently decided that starring in disastrous science fiction films with his dad isn't a stable business plan and has instead elected to commit his thoughts to text and enter the void recently vacated by Albert Camus. "Jaden sees himself as a modern-day prophet and is working on a collection of essays. They’re new takes on string theory and chaos theory, but more mystical. Jaden thinks he has spiritual ties to people in other dimensions and galaxies, and they are helping him write." If he doesn't call it Critique Of Poor Reason then I'll write that book first.

    Intel Meets The Islamic State Of Iraq And Syria (And Ireland)
    The curious incident of the bomb and the night guys.

    Aaron O'Neill and Colin Hammond had spent the weekend like most young men of their age - getting off their faces on booze and pills. With a party in Intel employee O'Neill's house lasting well into the early hours of a Monday morning, he quite understandably decided he'd rather not go to work the next day. His heightened mental state leading him to decide that phoning in claiming to be sick was just far too banal and unoriginal, O'Neill instead hatched a far more cunning, devious and foolproof plan. He would recruit his friend Hammond, who didn't come cheap at €20 (Denis O'Brien presumably taking notes somewhere), into phoning the company - who operate a large manufacturing plant on the outskirts of Leixlip near Dublin - and claiming that a series of bombs had been planted across the campus. So as to avoid detection and better conceal his identity, Hammond didn't make the call from his mobile phone but instead walked outside the house and used the public phone booth directly across the street. Mr Hammond told the operator there were bombs located at Intel which would go off in 12 hours. "You will not find them. This is a warning, we’re everywhere now," Hammond told emergency services. When asked who was making the call, he replied: "Islamic State." The resultant chaos shut down the M4 motorway, caused traffic control chaos at Dublin Airport, cost Intel 6,000 hours of production and led to 4,000 Intel staff getting an unexpected day off work. Both men escaped prison time but have been forced to endure the horrors of community service. "He hates work and I made a phone call so he wouldn’t have to go to work", admitted Hammond. Intel are currently debating whether or not he should be allowed to improve their logic circuits.

    "Shoot any bad guys"
    Fathers For Justice unavailable for comment.

    Arizona's an odd place.

    #2
    Shouldn't Have Done That: OTF Fuck-Ups Of The Year

    [pedant]

    "HSBC" isn't an acronym…

    [/pedant]

    Comment


      #3
      Shouldn't Have Done That: OTF Fuck-Ups Of The Year

      The thing about Jaden Smith's tweets is that the Camel Case annoys me far more than the faux-profound faux-philosophical bullshit - he is a teenage Scientologist growing up in Los Angeles after all, pretentious twaddle is the least I'd expect.

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