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    Things that you will never be able to do

    We all tell children that they can do anything if they put their minds to it. Firstly, it is bullshit and, secondly, when you get to my age, you realise that there are some things that you just can't or won't be able to do. My list is -

    Skateboard - have tried it over 3 times over 3 decades and have injured myself every time. Never going to try it again

    Surfing - did it as a kid and swallowed half of the Bristol Channel. Did it a few years ago and was much more successful but after half an hour, my back gave way.

    Tennis - Aside from my crap back and knee, my shoulder has an odd thing where it hurts when I am reaching behind me to take anything off or put it on something behind me. Unfortunately, this also means that I can't serve in tennis. Well, there's that and the fact that I have no hand-eye co-ordination.

    Marathons - to be honest, this is possibly achievable. I did a half-marathon in March after 6 months training from scratch so it isn't impossible that I could do a marathon but, my body was so fucked by the end of the half, I can't see it.

    Joining the Armed Forces - Happily, I am well over the age for this
    but, interestingly, the maximum age for conscription was 51 so, if there were a war, I could still be called up if those rules still applied.

    Actually, in a funny way, this list is more uplifting than hearing "You can do anything if they put your mind to it" as I am 48 and there is still only a handful of things that I can't start anew.

    Anyway, what are yours? Normal stuff not the "I can't be a professional footballer" or "I can't be a world class ballet dancer" type stuff.

    #2
    Things that you will never be able to do

    With you on surfing and skateboarding. Too late, and too fragile now.

    Tennis-wise I used to be average to OK, and was considering taking it up semi-socially as there are loads of clubs near us. But I was invited for a game last year and my recent eye issues had destroyed my 3D perception. The ball wasn't exactly where I was seeing it, resulting in a lot of frame/air shots, anger and embarrassment, since it was a doubles game and there were only four of us so I had to keep going. This makes me quite sad; I enjoyed tennis.

    Likewise cricket. We had an after-work indoor match a few months ago and, while I can still bowl quite well, I'm dangerously unable to pick out the ball clearly when batting or fielding.

    Front / Australian Crawl. Aged five, dad taught me and my brother Breaststroke in Reading indoor baths, and that's all I've ever been able to do. I can do a few strokes, but as soon as I have to breathe I'm stuffed. Everyone here swims Front Crawl. Really well. Bobbing around doing Breaststroke I feel as though I should have a flowery swimming cap on.

    Learn to fly. See eyesight, above.

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      #3
      Things that you will never be able to do

      Eyesight precludes a lot of things for me as well. F1 race car driver or jet fighter pilot. It's about feelin' the G's when the afterburners kick in. You need darn good reflexes too.

      The combination of jazz piano player and murder detective sounds appealing. Being the arty farty anti-conformist that I am, the police mindset is very far from my sort of thing. But the idea of solving murders, putting the bad guys away and jamming with the Kool Kats at some after hours joint would be thoroughly boss. I'd be the unconventional loner detective who solves more murders than anybody else, so I'd get away with my anti-authority shit.

      Yeah, I played with the 'Trane, man, and put away the nightstalker. How friggin ace is that! Ah well, in another life.

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        #4
        Things that you will never be able to do

        I don't tell children that. It's a daft thing to say.

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          #5
          Things that you will never be able to do

          Probably going to buy a skateboard next month, London seems to have built a multitude of skateparks in the period of me leaving town and returning and I just find it completely unfair none of these facilities were available when I was a skateboarding youth. Dreading the slams, however.

          Learnt to surf in 2010, the body needs about 6 months to adapt to surfing, lower rib pain was my major issue. I still dream of the day I can move back to Portugal and return to the ocean.

          Other than that, I've never been able to do a decent press up. Thankfully, nobody has ever ordered me to "get down and give me 20", it's just never going to happen.

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            #6
            Things that you will never be able to do

            Skateboard
            Surf
            Windsurf
            Moonwalk

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              #7
              Things that you will never be able to do

              Normal stuff
              Reproduce?

              I have MS; there's a lot of 'normal' stuff I'm not able to do: drive, sleep properly, do the job I'm qualified for, etc. But five years ago I couldn't walk or see. So, you know, carpe diem folks.

              Coming to terms with the limits of what you can and will achieve is what being a grown-up is all about, I reckon. Sadly, the DWP doesn't believe disabled people are capable of that, so it treats us like toddlers.

              It's World MS Day on Wednesday. If you happen to be in Chichester, look out for the dark-haired lass rattling a tin and dressed as if it were November. I'll give you a sticker!

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                #8
                Things that you will never be able to do

                Good on you Laverte.

                Chapeau, as they say.

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                  #9
                  Things that you will never be able to do

                  TonTon wrote: I don't tell children that. It's a daft thing to say.
                  I don't either actually. I tell them to shut up and listen otherwise they will never get a job. I also tell people that that which doesn't kill you will probably make you weaker and get in the end anyway.

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                    #10
                    Things that you will never be able to do

                    Good man, BoE.

                    And another hat-tip to laverte.

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                      #11
                      Things that you will never be able to do

                      Learn to play an instrument.

                      I gave it a go thirty years ago. Swedish open music school. All kids got a chance to play an instrument. My sister played the four string mandolin. I was stuck with drums. Still remember that day. 7 or 8 years old I walked in to the try-out. A bloke struck the key on a piano and I was supposed to write down on a piece of paper which key it was. I must have had terrible results but what did I know about piano scales back then.

                      In my 20's I gave the harmonica a try. I managed the opening to Beatles-Love, love me do.

                      About 10 years ago I bought a Casio keyboard. The kind where the keys light up right before you're supposed to play them. I managed to memorize a Chopin bit, without keys lighting up (don't you bloody dare to laugh down there at the back)

                      I've given up on learning an instrument. Never will. Not even the Diggerydoo. I gave up when I helped my mate with a live act. Three blokes playing songs they've written themselves. The percussion was a lad sat on a wooden box playing better and greater than I've heard many drummers do.

                      Here's one of their songs if anyone's interested
                      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSul15qGpyU

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                        #12
                        Things that you will never be able to do

                        Sits wrote: Good on you Laverte.

                        Chapeau, as they say.
                        I don't know what the second part means, but the first I'm behind all the way.

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                          #13
                          Things that you will never be able to do

                          I'd happily tell children, or anyone else, that they can do anything they put their mind to. Everything that's ever been done has been done by someone who just put their mind to it.

                          What sort of favour do you imagine you're doing by telling someone they can't achieve something?

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                            #14
                            Things that you will never be able to do

                            I'm not doing anyone a favour. I'm just not joining in with a stupid happy-clappy lie.

                            (I don't tell children there's some weird old man who creeps into the bedroom in the middle of the night at krismas either, mind)

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                              #15
                              Things that you will never be able to do

                              I believe TonTon has a point here. As does WOM. It's just two 180 degrees ways to approach it where I think in the end both WOM and TonTon agree.

                              Yes, pep-talking kids into at least giving it a try and no one should tell them it's not worth the time. I am behind it. But one needs to know when to stop. When you do the kid a favour by telling them they can do it as a hobby but don't fool yourself son/daughter thinking you'll become as good as you think you want to be. Take all those Idol shows when people step up and sing like baboons on heat. Someone should have done them the favour before they made a laughing stock of themselves on national teve.

                              There's a bloke I know who's been pushing his son to become a professional football player. The lad had talent, no doubt. His father would take him to try-outs here in Sweden, to Arsenal, to Brazil, to 2nd tier clubs in Germany at the end. He was close. The lad had a bit of bad luck. Serious injury prevented him but he was pushed on to come back from it. Until recently. When the lad finally gave up and said, of all things, he'd rather be a truck driver. The family having visited some relatives in Canada where a cousin was a truck driver. The son realised, mature for his age as he is, that better to pursue something I can make money on and achieve, than dream my life stright to hell and no return. Might sound sad going from pro football player to truck driver. I find it kind of brilliant.

                              Then, what TonTon says, it spontaneously makes me think of all those little girls forced into the vile "sport" of pageant where (mostly) mothers make their child believe they are the next Grace Kelly and will become the next big star in the world.

                              Yes, being behind the kid is great. Sponsoring with pep talk and urging the kid to try out his/her dream. It's a given.

                              Giving the kid the advice it might better be not to dream too much is often a favour. And at an early stage. Not when they're 16-17, much earlier.

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                                #16
                                Things that you will never be able to do

                                PPV, bollocks you giving up a musical instrument. Not quite the same but I couldn't get to grips with four track recording for years but, finally, Mac brought out Garageband and now I have got the set for my next band.

                                I can hardly call myself a musician and I am taking up trumpet this summer.

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                                  #17
                                  Things that you will never be able to do

                                  Reconcile myself to just how stupid and insular many of my fellow countrymen and women are when they travel abroad. After last year where we had to listen to someone moan to their Thomas Cook rep that there was no bacon on the breakfast buffet in Morocco, and someone trying to explain "brown sauce" to a confused waitress in Mexico, this week in a restaurant in Dubrovnik we had to listen to a woman grumbling loudly to her companions that "at home, scampi means the little breaded ones, doesn't it, not a plate of king prawns in shells". It was as much as Signora Rogin could do to stop me leaping over, grabbing her by the lapels of her hideous jacket and bellowing in her face "in almost every single country in Europe the word for 'king prawns' is scampi, you fucking cretin! Furthermore, there's a sodding great picture of what you ordered right there on the plastic menu you ordered it from, precisely to help lazy, ignorant fuckwits just like you!!"

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                                    #18
                                    Things that you will never be able to do

                                    Bored of Education wrote: I can hardly call myself a musician and I am taking up trumpet this summer.
                                    You can hardly call yourself a musician? You did a Peel Session, FFS.

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                                      #19
                                      Things that you will never be able to do

                                      Draw to any standard of lifelike resemblance.

                                      Mathematics, i.e. algebra etc. I am fine with adding stuff up.

                                      Shoot on goal with any confidence. Tackle, header, block, jostle, pass badly and occasionally dribble, but put me on a one on one with a keeper and I hit the ball with the power and accuracy of a toddler in the back garden. Although oddly enough, the only goal I've ever scored in a non kickabout was with my foot. Swing of the leg in a crowded penalty box, ball ends up in the roof of the net.

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                                        #20
                                        Things that you will never be able to do

                                        I've pretty much lost my sense of smell. The scent of a rose, the smell of newly brewed coffee or fresh bread are, at best, faint and transient these days.

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                                          #21
                                          Things that you will never be able to do

                                          PPV, have a go at playing the drums again, if you can. It requires a certain amount of co-ordination, but there are exercises that can help with that. And with half-decent electronic kits with headphone sockets, it's not even necessary to make an unhealthy racket all the time, these days.

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                                            #22
                                            Things that you will never be able to do

                                            WOM wrote:
                                            Originally posted by Bored of Education
                                            I can hardly call myself a musician and I am taking up trumpet this summer.
                                            You can hardly call yourself a musician? You did a Peel Session, FFS.
                                            I have never let a lack of talent get in the way of actually doing something and, music-wise, Peel celebrated that somewhat.

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                                              #23
                                              Things that you will never be able to do

                                              This thread, by the way, was inspired by a woman on Radio 4 that was bemoaning the fact that she didn't think that she would ever be able to buy a house again. I think she was a year or two older than me and felt that no-one would offer her a 25 year mortgage. Leaving aside that, in Europe, home ownership is still not as commonplace as it is expected to be here, I had a lot of sympathy with her.

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                                                #24
                                                Things that you will never be able to do

                                                That would put here around 75 before it was paid off. She might be right. Regular retirement age in the UK is 65, no?

                                                Besides having healthy babies, surely there aren't many things you can't do just because of age. I mean, yeah, you're not going to make the Olympic track team at 52, but that's no reason not to start running.

                                                Unless you're TT, and you're too busy hanging around playgrounds telling children not to try stuff.

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                                                  #25
                                                  Things that you will never be able to do

                                                  I mean, yeah, you're not going to make the Olympic track team at 52, but that's no reason not to start running.
                                                  I stated that in the opening post, you plonker.

                                                  Don't underestimate women who want to get pregnant later on in life either.

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