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    Am I too soft or too hard?

    At my golf hut, the khazis are round the back. This means that, if you’re working at the sales hatch, you can’t see them. In summer, the demand for the lavatories is extremely high, as there aren’t many other places to relieve yourself in the park (unless you go into the bushes, of course).

    The previous owner of the hut knew an OAP who was prepared to turn up at short notice and staff the lavatories. This sounds like it was a zero-hour contract – because it was a zero-hour contract, only without the contract – , but the OAP came away with a good hourly wage and was more than happy with his lot.

    Unfortunately, I don’t like this OAP and don’t want him there. The first time he turned up at the hut, his first words were, “You don’t know who you’ve got in front of you, do you?” When I agreed with him, he launched into a monologue about how important he was. He also brought his Mr. Toad brother with him, who stood at the sales hatch and moaned his cobs off about everything, so loudly that he was frightening the children.

    After the 250th “Man, man, man, you don’t know what you’re doing, do you?”, I told the OAP to fuck the fuck off and fucking take fucking Toadface fucking with him, fucking.

    So I now need somebody else to staff the lavatories when the weather’s warm. I spoke to a few friends of friends who’d expressed an interest, all of whom are long-term unemployed, OAPs or students. I told them exactly what the job constitutes and indicated how much they’d be getting. I said they’d only have to do surface cleaning and that if any major shit- or puke-related incidents occurred, I’d do the mopping myself.

    Yet when I contacted them to do a shift (on a day that wasn’t all that busy anyway), the objections started. One of them said it was ‘unfair’ that he he’d be out the back all the time and that we should alternate, so that he can be the front man too. One of them said he’d thought about it and was unhappy at the lack of prospects were on offer. A third refused to do it because passers-by could see her ‘being a lavatory attendant’. The fourth suddenly wanted a guarantee of 20 hours a week – all off the books, of course.

    Now, I’ve never had a job in which I’ve told other people what to do. I’ve always been on the receiving end of instructions. In my current job, my stock response to something I don’t agree with is, “All right, if you want shit, you’ll get shit. I’m good at shit.” In my past jobs, I just got on with it; as a paper boy, it would never have occurred to me to say to the newsagent, “If you don’t mind, I’d rather not deliver the Radio Times. Kenneth Kendall’s a wanker, Softly, Softly: Task Force is a load of shit and the test-card girl scares the crap out of me."

    Is it always like this these days? Do people always want to rewrite the rules before they’re even applied?

    I mean, I described exactly what the job entails. I said what the money would be like. I said that they couldn’t be guaranteed work every day a) because the lavatories only need to be staffed at the weekend and b) the number of customers is heavily dependent on the weather, in a city that’s infamous for its annual rainfall. I can’t afford to pay somebody to watch over a lavatory that’s not being used because it’s the third day of five rainy days in a row.

    (And “can’t afford” doesn’t mean “will only be pocketing 500 euros that day”; it means “will be losing 50-100 euros on top of what I’ll be losing anyway.”)

    #2
    Am I too soft or too hard?

    What's a golf hut?

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      #3
      Am I too soft or too hard?

      TonTon wrote: What's a golf hut?
      The kiosk that doubles up as the place where I hand out crazy-golf clubs, balls and scorecards.

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        #4
        Am I too soft or too hard?

        He's the current concessionaire of a mini-golf / crazy -golf course in a public park in Hamburg.

        And world revolution is the single best solution to his problem.

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          #5
          Am I too soft or too hard?

          Sounds like a ground-level episode of '15 Storeys High'.

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            #6
            Am I too soft or too hard?

            You are not being too hard. Be harder.

            Also, thanks for making me go on a wild Wikipedia spree. I now know all there is to know about the Osaka Amenity Park Tower, the One Australia Policy, and Open-Access Publishing, whilst also finding out what the abbreviation actually means. I've learned something today.

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              #7
              Am I too soft or too hard?

              I'm with Smallcaps.

              Can you expand your talent pool a bit? To people who actually need the money, for instance.

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                #8
                Am I too soft or too hard?

                ursus arctos wrote: Can you expand your talent pool a bit? To people who actually need the money, for instance.
                I was told, mostly by the people themselves, that they did need the money.

                In the case of one of the 'candidates', part of the problem is that he doesn't appear to think things through properly. He thinks a bottle of beer sold for two euros means that I earn two euros. I know this because he's said as much: "Two hundred euros a day should do you. So flog four crates of beer, then you can shut up shop for the rest of the day."

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                  #9
                  Am I too soft or too hard?

                  So much for that vaunted German education system.

                  Any asylum seekers in the area?

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Am I too soft or too hard?

                    ursus arctos wrote: Any asylum seekers in the area?
                    As you undoubtedly know, asylum-seekers are not allowed to work, but they are allowed to do 'work experience'.

                    A friend of mine works for an organisation that deals with asylum-seekers (they offer German courses and anti-dsicrimination advice and stuff like that).

                    She suggested that we offer 'work experience' to some of her 'clients'. We pay for their travel, they can eat and drink whatever they want from the fridges, we give them a bit of pocket money. They help out on the days when I can't be there.

                    Because I don't want to piss off the local council before we're up and running properly, I informed the powers-that-be about the idea, thinking that it would be a win-win-win situation.

                    You can guess what they told me to do with it.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Am I too soft or too hard?

                      I refer the honourable gentleman to my reply of earlier today.

                      World revolution is the only answer.

                      The clubs should come in handy.

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                        #12
                        Am I too soft or too hard?

                        Up the workers. Fuck you, golf Nazi!

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                          #13
                          Am I too soft or too hard?

                          You could give the job a nice title. Facilities Consultant.

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                            #14
                            Am I too soft or too hard?

                            Um...why do lavatories need 'staffing'? Is that a euphemism for keeping non-customers from using them?

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                              #15
                              Am I too soft or too hard?

                              You ever been to Hamburg?

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                                #16
                                Am I too soft or too hard?

                                No. Recommend it?

                                I had my first glimpse of your fair city yesterday though.

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                                  #17
                                  Am I too soft or too hard?

                                  Write a script for Tatort based on the discovery of a body in a mini-golf hut's cludgie in a rainy Hamburg park. Use the money to employ a full-time lavatory attendant in an inappropriately smart uniform with epaulettes etc. and a very formal manner. This will become a cult tourist attraction and income will soar.

                                  See, it doesn't have to be as complicated as world revolution.

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                                    #18
                                    Am I too soft or too hard?

                                    Anyone who is in Hamburg and isn't spending every waken hour in Miniatur Wunderland needs their head testing anyway.

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                                      #19
                                      Am I too soft or too hard?

                                      WOM wrote: Um...why do lavatories need 'staffing'? Is that a euphemism for keeping non-customers from using them?
                                      Yes. I have to pay for the water and upkeep of the lavatories (it's in the contract). They're only sort-of-public.

                                      I've seen what can happen on a day on which the lavatories are used only about 20 times. Last weekend, for example, three kids puked up and there were two - two - used panty liners stuck to the wall in the Ladies.

                                      On a busy day, the lavatories will be used over 200 times. So that's 20 vampire's teabags on the wall and 30 puddles of infant vomit (which, although less offensive and less lumpy than adult vomit, still has to be got rid of).

                                      If I didn't keep an eye on the lavatories, the dead body suggested by imp may actually materialise. It nearly happened a few years ago; somebody broke into the hut, got pissed on the contents of the fridge and was found the following morning, barely alive, with a needle sticking out of their arm.

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                                        #20
                                        Am I too soft or too hard?

                                        treibeis wrote:
                                        Originally posted by TonTon
                                        What's a golf hut?
                                        The kiosk that doubles up as the place where I hand out crazy-golf clubs, balls and scorecards.
                                        I'm afraid to ask what crazy golf is.

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                                          #21
                                          Am I too soft or too hard?

                                          Pat McGatt wrote: I'm afraid to ask what crazy golf is.

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                                            #22
                                            Am I too soft or too hard?

                                            Crazy golf is like golf's stupid, less disgusting, but somehow more annoying little brother.

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                                              #23
                                              Am I too soft or too hard?

                                              On the other hand, golf is crazy golf's tedious uncle who falls asleep in the middle of his own stories.

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                                                #24
                                                Am I too soft or too hard?

                                                Are there any naturist crazy golf courses? Would the council let you have naturist days?

                                                Edit: I'm not enquiring for myself, don't worry.

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                                                  #25
                                                  Am I too soft or too hard?

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