Local news is always funny

[Sits]

Wow. Wouldn't you love to know the back story?

[Nocturnal Submission]

This isn't funny but it is rather odd. When I heard that someone had been robbed at gunpoint at 7.25am near my local railway station it sounded bizarre so, unsurprisingly, the perps weren't the usual types. The victim, incidentally, was an acquaintance of my son's and is still traumatised, so definitely not a funny ha-ha incident. It's in the Daily Mail incidentally, for those sensitive about sources: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...-gunpoint.html

[beak]

It's all kicking off in Blaydon...

Pensioner livid after Asda runs out of his favourite 34p Smart Price sardines

A pensioner has slammed Asda for running out of his favourite sardines.

Miffed Harty Ervine claims a tin of the 34p 'Smart Price' fish in a tomato sauce "makes a nice sandwich".

But he says he has been left "suffering" after stock issues kept them off his local Asda's shelves for as long as six weeks.

"It would have been quicker for the little fish to have just swam here from the Mediterranean," raged Harty.

[Kevin S]

That story gets even better.

"Morrisons sell an equivalent, and at exactly the same price," admits Harty, who admits he's lucky to live near a string of supermarkets.

But he doesn't want to have to settle for second best, adding: "I'd rate Asda's sardines slightly above Morrisons' - plus the store is more on my route."

There are also links to such belters as:

• Fury as Unicorn Dream event promising to bring 'real-life unicorns' to Newcastle is CANCELLED

edit: link to story of indecent exposure removed April 2023 (see https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-inform...e-or-flashing/)

[Kevin S]

It's been one major story after another in the East this week:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-englan...shire-65312623

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-norfolk-65355773

[ad hoc]

From that second one "It is not known whether they have escaped or are on an adventure."

What?

[WOM]

Also, they fly. Which seems self-evident, but I'd never considered that. What must a flying peacock look like?

[ursus arctos]

[Sits]

So more like falling with style, then.

[WOM]

Doesn't look like a long-distance proposition, does it? Not like a migrating goose, like.

[Kevin S]

Arg, don't you just hate looking back at stuff you once wrote? There's clearly a couple of times on here where I've referenced incidents of indecent exposure on what is a 'funny' thread. In addition to the immediate traumatising effect this can have on the victim, I remember recently hearing a terrible statistic about how many rapists had previously committed indecent exposure.

I'm going to go back and edit those posts to go here instead: https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-inform...e-or-flashing/

and add my own apologies.

[Evariste Euler Gauss]

Going back to those ornithological news stories, for which thank you Kev, I learnt something new from the second one. And I have to say, hat off to whoever in the history of our language decided on "ostentation" as a collective noun for peacocks.

[Amor de Cosmos]

Is there somewhere you have submit an application for an ornithological collective noun?

[ursus arctos]

You essentially do in France and other countries with language academies

[caja-dglh]

Also, they fly. Which seems self-evident, but I'd never considered that. What must a flying peacock look like?

At the zoo half the peacocks are found in trees, so I found this rather self-evident.

[Nocturnal Submission]

They might be good climbers.

[Balderdasha]

First page of recent Google news stories about the town I currently live in:
- football results
- gin festival
- new kiosk in the park
- McDonald's manager grumpy about teenagers "causing a mess"
- street parties for the coronation
- road resurfacing
- the university of the third age is hosting a talk about "a day in the life of a Thames tug boat"
- an interview with the owner of Lucky Penny Weddings "providing stylish and fun transport for couples"

First page of recent Google news stories about the town I grew up in:
- assault
- £8mn cocaine haul
- two boys punched and slapped by men in street
- disqualified driver arrested after car chase
- Salvation Army opening a new community service
- carwash owner banned for abusing Covid loan scheme
- man accused of possessing pistol
- care home placed in special measures
- teenager died after being stabbed in the heart

This is why I pay more to raise my children in a smaller house here (plus it's possible to commute to my job when I need to).

[Evariste Euler Gauss]

ha ha, even the girls' football team from your native town was feistier than my daughter's club's typical opponents, Balders! Maybe I'll continue choosing a country-lane "by pass" route when I do bike rides in that general direction.

[Gangster Octopus]

Did I not mention the peahen and chicks that adopted my brother's place a few years back? I must go and search.

[Gangster Octopus]

I did mention it. And it was much longer ago than I remember...

[Balderdasha]

I've become grimly fascinated with comparing the first page of news results from my childhood hometown and my current hometown. Here's the latest.

Childhood hometown:
- stalker targeted teenage shop assistant (several stories about this case)
- Banksy's Sandcastle Girl returning to Suffolk (the one bit of good news. I don't think the Banksy is actually coming to the town but the local arts centre is involved in a joint exhibition with some other towns)
- parents facing child abuse charges after children went missing ruled to be dangerous
- car crash leaves road closed to traffic
- police say 1.1kg of white powder found in layby

Current hometown:
- new Mexican restaurant
- how has the town changed since the 1940s?
- four star hotel closes to house 230 migrants (outrage from the Daily Mail but I don't know anyone locally who objects)
- former home of newsagent goes on sale
- 150 objections to green belt development
- Winona Ryder pictured at former school for Beetlejuice 2 filming
- newspaper founder dies age 86
- give your views on skate park refurb
- 7 of the best pizza spots
- local MP reveals love of Jay-Z and Taylor Swift (yes, he is as awful as he sounds)
- Asda staff could be fired says union

Pretty much the main thing you'll die of in the town are old age or boredom.

I wondered briefly if I was being unfair and maybe my childhood hometown is much bigger. But no, I checked and it has 8,000 fewer residents than my current hometown.

[Amor de Cosmos]

I wondered briefly if I was being unfair and maybe my childhood hometown is much bigger. But no, I checked and it has 8,000 fewer residents than my current hometown.

Your current hometown has probably qualified for a modest amount of good Karma to make up for being a Viking outpost back in the day

[Balderdasha]

This is becoming Balderdasha's monthly hometown news comparison update, but it continues to deliver.

Childhood hometown:
- police catch wanted man hiding in sofa
- finance manager accused of stealing more than £722,000 from company
- Barclays confirms closure of branch
- derelict site should be saved for the community says councillor (it's my old middle school which got burnt down after it was closed down by Ofsted)
- council asks for views on bans curbing anti-social behaviour
- Matt Hancock shoulder barged by anti-vaxxer who accused him of murdering people during the pandemic (disappointingly this actually happened in London, he's just the local MP)

To be fair there is also the positive story of "former pro unveiled as head of new football academy" (the town football team is not too shabby).

Current hometown:
- S Club and Gareth Gates coming to 90s festival
- YouTube star praises 'belting' new cafe
- Percy Pig ice cream renamed after 'polite' M&S request
- what's on this weekend: Joy Division tribute
- new constituency could turn from Conservative to Labour (fingers crossed)
- three worst pothole-plagued roads
- new High Street stores expected to be Oliver Bonas, The White Company, and Holland and Barrett (for non-UK posters, these shops are all indicative of people having too much money to fritter on nonsense)

Unusually, there are also some negative headlines this month though:
- teenager jailed after injuring six in crash
- woman in her 90s struck by car outside Asda
- man jailed for violently shaking toddler
- police remove multiple people from address after reports of cuckooing (I hadn't heard this term before. It's where criminals take over the home of a vulnerable person to use as a location for drug dealing / other criminal activity)

[lambers]

- new High Street stores expected to be Oliver Bonas, The White Company, and Holland and Barrett (for non-UK posters, these shops are all indicative of people having too much money to fritter on nonsense)

Holland & Barrett do have a lot of nonsense, but they also have some useful vitamins/supplements that no-one else does (in most towns).

We went there so much during the pregnancy to get supplements for mum. Vegetarian Omega 3 (i.e. fish free) was probably the most bought, the only other place we could see selling it was Amazon.

[Walt Flanagans Dog]

The biggest story of the week here is the return of Burger King after ten years. It is going close to where the previous outlet was, which was bought up by Asda when they opened a new supermarket and wanted more parking spaces (it is going in the adjacent retail park, which evidently has more than enough parking space).

This has freaked out the "they should never have pedestrianised the middle of town" / "who remembers proper bin men" constituency, with some seemingly under the impression that (in line with their belief that the Council owns every commercial premise in the city) the Council paid for the original one to be knocked down and are paying for the new one to be be built, and therefore no wonder our council tax is so high etc.