Your considered opinion.

[WOM]

I'm in my current job thanks to a woman I'll call B. We worked together at an agency yonks ago and always kept in touch. Long story short, when I was out of work, she hired me here. (She's since been let go.)

Since then, we've become friends on a personal/family level. Her and her husband, A, have had my wife, kids and me over for dinner three or four times, and we've had them over three or four times.

Her husband, A, who doesn't really like kids at all, is smitten with ours and clearly enjoys their company. My wife gets along with them, too. All good.

Needless to say, they knew my dad was dying over the past two years or so.

A week before my dad passed, they invited us for dinner. I said that the end was near and that I wasn't in right place for a dinner date, etc. They said "no worries...take care..." etc.

When dad passed, I emailed a group of 7 people who are personal friends and told them the news. Six replied with their condolences. B&A did not.

L and I figured that they only reason they wouldn't have replied is that they simply didn't get the email. What other explanation, etc?

So I emailed to them directly "Just wanted you to know that dad....etc" and the reply was "Yes. Received your email. Very difficult one to reply to." And that was it.

They also didn't send a card of condolence or attend either visitation. And I've not heard from them since. However, we got a Christmas card from them last week.

I'm seriously fucked-off that close, personal friends would completely blank on the death of someone's father. Not an email. Not a card. Not a comment. Nothing.

L says I need to just get over it. She finds it odd, but thinks it isn't worth losing a friendship over. I'm not so sure. Are friends only friends in good times, or do you need to know they're there for you in bad?

Am I making too much of this?

[Paul S]

Your considered opinion.

Yes you are making to much of it.

Different people deal with things in different ways. They may not be able to cope with seeing you unable to cope. Not everybody knows "the right thing" to say. If it bothers you that much don't speak to them, but don't let it spoil your friendship if you can.

[Janik]

Your considered opinion.

Not wanting to say something glib so saying nothing is not the same as blanking it.

[ad hoc]

Your considered opinion.

It's weird (of them, obviously, I hope). I mean yes it sometimes is difficult to know what to say, but even if you just end up saying "condolences" or something similar, you do at least say something (and I'd argue, if it's not too far to go and you're not otherwise detained, you also go to the funeral).

Can Mrs WOM call B and sort of ask her a bit. Even to the point of mentioning that you were somewhat hurt? Or is that not really appropriate to your relationship?

[Incandenza]

Your considered opinion.

I think people worry about not saying something the right way, or saying the wrong thing, so they don't say anything at all, which to the person hurting is worse than saying the wrong thing.

Ad hoc's suggestion is good.

[Third rate Leszno]

Your considered opinion.

Like Paul says, different people deal with things in different ways. Round here, a lot of people seem to feel it necessary to attend funerals of their friends' family members, even when they've never met the person who has passed away.

I completely understand that they feel it shows respect, and can offer support to their bereaved friend, but both me and Mrs TrL find the whole thing a bit odd, an intrusion on private grief for a person we never knew - and that there are other, less visible ways of supporting your friends and making sure they know you care. The whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable, like you have to be seen to show respect.

Not suggesting that this is what's happened in this situation, WOM, as I would always send a card and contact my friends personally in these circumstances - but it may not be complete insensitivity on their part, it may be more complicated than that.

[ursus arctos]

Your considered opinion.

What everyone else has said.

I've had an unfortunate amount of personal experience with familial deaths since I was a kid, and what I've come to understand is that it is an aspect of our lives that people can have very strong (and impossible to predict) reactions to, largely grounded (I think) in their own experiences and fears. I've had multiple occasions where extremely open people suddenly shut down completely when the subject is raised, and just as many introverts who have taken the opportunity to unburden themselves of something.

I wouldn't read it as reflecting any issues in your friendship at all.

[meregreen]

Your considered opinion.

Like you, WOM, I'd be upset if this happened to me.

But, yeah, as others have said.

Some people feel they don't have the necessary emotional vocabulary or gravitas to be able to do justice to an event of this magnitude. So, they choose to avoid mention of it. I find that quite a disappointing response (cowardly even?) - I mean, who wants to make that type of phone call to someone recently bereaved? - but I can understand it.

When the dust has settled, perhaps speak to them, explain why you were hurt and hear what they have to say.

[WOM]

Your considered opinion.

L's constant opinion on this has been "Everyone handles death differently." So maybe it's just me holding the wrong end of this particular stick.

Thanks everyone.

[Guy Profumo]

Your considered opinion.

Yes. There are some of us who are desperately uncomfortable with this kind of stuff, and, for fear of saying something that sounds trite or dismissive which could cause offence, choose to say nothing.

I know this. For I am one of them.

[meregreen]

Your considered opinion.

From my experience of these situations, it's not what you say that is appreciated (because in all honesty, who among us can utter anything other platitudes at such a time?), but the fact that you tried to say something at all.

[Pietro Paolo Virdis]

Your considered opinion.

WOM, you are not making much of it. It’s a sincere kind of bother for you. All of us would feel the same.

People handle grief in so many different ways. People who have kin passing handle it in many different ways. Hollywood movies have been made on that idea alone.
People who have friends who have kin dying handle it in different ways.
Some get into your face trying to be your new kin on that day, some handle it respectfully being there with a distance and appreciations, do their utmost not to meddle, some think they should leave you alone completely. Some get paralyzed and don’t know what to do.
I have no clue where these people fit in, if they do in any of the above at all.

But someone close to you passing, shouldn’t determine how good a friend these other are on how they acted on it. True friendship is so much more complex.

And, you know, the closest between two humans isn’t in yards or miles between the two of you or from between them and that graveyard. The closest is communication. Isn’t that an utter cliché?
Is there any way you could ask what the reason was for them to neglect and you explain your bother?
Maybe all it takes is them explaining and you don’t even have to dig into it deeper.
Maybe there’s a good explanation and instead of the friendship perhaps dying, it only grows after that question.

It’s 2014 and we still have not learned the most basic things here on the planet. Instead of guessing, talking around it, we should confront it and ask in a nice way. So much grief, agony and wasted time could be lessened.

Shit, that reads like I’m lecturing you. Sorry, not my intention at all.

[linus]

Your considered opinion.

WOM wrote: L's constant opinion on this has been "Everyone handles death differently." So maybe it's just me holding the wrong end of this particular stick.

Thanks everyone.

Mrs L is right, it looks like you have it sorted. It sounds like your friends' silence is more rooted in respect than in anything else. I wouldn't take this any further.

Belated condolences on your loss, WOM.

[Amor de Cosmos]

Your considered opinion.

Yeah I'm with the majority on this. There are watershed moments in one's personal life that some friends feel uncomfortable with, for reasons even they might not be able to identify. Divorce, depression, disability and death I've noticed it with all of them. It's hard because they're exactly the moments when you'd hope good friends would be there for you, but in a few instances it's not the case. I do agree however, that it can hard to rebuild the bridge afterwards, and sometimes it just doesn't happen.

[Hugh Fatbastard]

Your considered opinion.

They might have gone off your reluctance to attend their dinner date, and thought you'd rather spend time with family / be alone.

As far as the email is concerned, perhaps they felt an electronic response was too impersonal.

Now caught between not wanting to send an email, and wishing to respect your privacy, time has lapsed and perhaps it's too late to do anything.

If you value their friendship you need to tell them straight up how you feel about all this and give them a chance to explain.

[caja-dglh]

Your considered opinion.

Does it make me bad if I don't respond to this thread? I think everyone has addressed that while your discomfort is understandable, it is the nature of how people handle such events very differently. Try and let it go - you never know why approaching the issue is so difficult for them (and may not want to).

[WOM]

Your considered opinion.

caja-dglh wrote: Does it make me bad if I don't respond to this thread?

Yes. Yes it did. And then you redeemed yourself.

No, you've all given me good reason to second guess my 'umbrage'. I'm simply wrong-way-round on this, I guess.

The hard part, really, will be explaining to Mrs WOM that you've all sided with her instead of me. Her look of smug satisfaction will be enough to take the fizz out of my sarsaparilla.

[Rogin the Armchair fan]

Your considered opinion.

WOM, I know several people on a "been to dinner with them 5 or 6 times" basis who I simply wouldn't know where to begin with when it came to a deeply personal situation like yours. Your natural reaction (clearly) is to reach out to people at moments like that; that makes you a good person. Theirs (and I think mine) would be to leave people alone; that doesn't make them bad people. Sometimes, offering sympathy to people who aren't expecting it from you can come across and be misconceived as rubber-necking; maybe they've had that reaction in the past.

[Vulgarian Visigoth]

Your considered opinion.

I don't believe in holding grudges in a relationship, whether it's family, friendship or marriage, especially when it's a one-off situation and it's not particularly serious.

Of course I believe 'I'm tired of you getting drunk and beating me' is something worth saying, but comments like 'You forgot my birthday' or 'You didn't send me your condolences' are likely to do more hurt than good.

That doesn't mean I don't think apparently trite gestures like sending condolences or attending funerals don't offer some tiny sort of support.

I'll never forget how my aunt's face lit up when she saw me at her husband's funeral over 20 years ago. That made me a believer in funerals.

[sw2borshch]

Your considered opinion.

Have them for tea again, if everything's alright, then everything's alright. They felt awkward, and are just that way. If they're just that way, and that's fine by you, carry on that man.