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Depression: Nature/Nurture/Both?

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    #26
    I can't offer advice like others but I'm wishing you well, Paul.

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      #27
      Thanks for the comments everyone but it really hit home yesterday evening just how far I had gone downhill. I had had a couple of pints in a local micro pub which doesn't have any TV's and so I didn't see the start of the footie. After ten minutes of the game I walked down to the seafront, bought a can of beer and just sat on the seawall even though it was bucketing down with rain and all I had on was a shirt and no coat. I got soaked but I was so low I just didn't care. It was then I realised how quickly I had fallen and went home and got myself dry. There are quite a few different factors at play, work, home, personal life. Also it's still difficult coping with the pandemic if you live on your own. The good thing is I have spoken to a manager at work about something that is causing me a lot of anxiety and hopefully he can start to get things resolved. Still a long way to go though.

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        #28
        That's good that you recognise yourself that you are down, because that means you are thinking clearly. Good that you can now take positive steps to address the situation. Pandemic certainly doesn't help either.

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          #29
          Paul,
          If it’s any small consolation or positive, I really enjoyed meeting you, enjoyed your company and enjoyed our walk. You are clearly a thoughtful, intelligent guy. And I’ve walked at least 90 mins a day since we met so you are also an inspiration!

          Mind you, I’m nearly fucking broken. Did my 10k on Friday, played golf. Got pished with neebs in the Lane. Up at 5 am on Saturday ( can’t sleep with sun streaming in), did 8-9 k, played golf, overnight stay in Couper Angus. Played golf, drove 80 mins home, made and devoured chicken breast wrapped on Parma ham, smothered in home made tom & garlic sauce with roast tatties and broccoli. Had a few drinks.

          Watched first half of game and then slumped unconscious on the sofa only waking up to see young Saka miss his pen. Woken actually by my wife shouting at me for letting her sleep through the game on the other sofa.

          Sometimes she expects too much from me.

          On the nature v nurture question, looking back, my brother insists that my father was depressed at times and I think he’s right. The last few years haven’t been easy but I’d diagnose myself as ‘occasionally gloomy’ rather than seriously depressed. I count myself very fortunate for that and having family and good friends closeby.

          So, positive thoughts to all. I think best thing to do when feeling down is to do something positive. Think something positive. Focus on the good stuff. But you know that. And I know it’s not always easy.

          And aye, speak to a professional if that’s what you need. It’s what they’re for.

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            #30
            Look after yourself Paul. We're here for you if you need us.

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              #31
              Take care Paul.

              I look forward to getting back to Europe some day and would love to enjoy a pint or two or three in your neck of the woods!

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                #32
                I wish you all the best Paul, and I echo the comments about seeking professional help when you feel able. I did (eventually), and I am so glad I did, stubborn bastard that I was. I am on mild anti-depressants, and probably will be for a while. It sometimes takes that trigger event or comment to make you realize just how low things have got. It took me overhearing my then 10 year old daughter telling her friends that her dad was 'the tall one who is always grumpy' for me to realize just how much I had changed over the recent couple of years. For me, this is a very private thing I don't want those outside my immediate circle to be aware of for fear of judgement (weak I know, and especially as I am posting on here, but I don't know you lot and living on a small island in the middle of the Atlantic I am unlikely to). As another poster has mentioned, I personally found it best to steer clear of those who tell you "it'll be alright" and "what the fuck have you got to be depressed about". It's not a competition, depression and depressive moods are different to anyone who suffers from them. My medication takes the edge off, and makes the deep troughs I would regularly find myself falling into more shallow.

                As to nature vs nurture, I know my father had depressive episodes throughout his life, but never sought any help, so perhaps it is in the genes.

                Anyway, please be selfish and practice self-care, and be well.

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                  #33
                  I don’t have much to add except best wishes.

                  My basic advice based on dealing with depression, anxiety, possibly ADHD and a head injury is that it’s not easy to find a therapist that fits. But don’t give up. And don’t get down on yourself if you don’t feel like it’s going well or you have bad days.

                  Ultimately, the best person I found was an MSW through Betterhelp. The online thing was more expensive per month, but I got way more out of it because I could talk to them a little every few days rather than try to come up with a tight hour once a month or once every other week.





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                    #34
                    Not exactly a depression issue but certainly could well become one.

                    Over the weekend I bailed on Christmas with the step-grand-kids in Texas. This was obviously a difficult decision. I haven't seen them for almost four years. They were infants then, now they're almost teens. It's really nothing to do with them, but I'm exhausted and need a break. I need respite care in fact. Being someone's carer, particularly when that "someone" is also your spouse, is a 24 hour a day thing. What she's doing, and going to do, basically determine my life. Which is OK. But when I was teaching I had a separate, different role too. Now that doesn't exist. Covid came along at the same time, that has meant we're rarely apart. When we are I tend to turn into a vegetable. I read, or sleep. Last week she had two falls (I mentioned one on here, but there was another a day or so later.)

                    At 3:00am a couple of nights back, I replayed them over and over. Why wasn't I there? I should have been there! Finally I went back over my last visit to my doctor. We talked about several issues in the context of possible signs of early dementia. Memory lapses, dropping things, over-sleeping and so on. I remembered that he'd mentioned, in passing, these were also signs of exhaustion. Bingo! Of course. When my parents were ill I came over to the UK a couple of times a year. As well as helping them out, it also provided a break from my role as La Signora's carer (she had a friend stay with her while I was gone.) I wasn't fully conscious of it at the time but that was hugely important. I need that break, a few days a couple of times a year is enough. Obviously the timing is lousy, and although everyone is understanding — La Signora also feels guilty, which isn't good — I can tell they're disappointed. I just hope they know deep down that I wouldn't be doing this if I felt I really had to.

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                      #35
                      Caring is an incredibly taxing role for anyone, and made more so by the fact that we live in a society that doesn't value it at all sufficiently.

                      You've made a difficult decision, but I have no doubt that it was the right one for you, which also means that it was the right one for La Signora and the kids.

                      Please take care of yourself. We are all here if you need to "talk".

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                        #36
                        What he said. And never feel guilty about needing (and taking) a break

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                          #37
                          You're doing an amazing job Amor de Cosmos please don't feel guilty about needing a break as it's a 24/7 job and too much for any single person to do.

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                            #38
                            One of the things that put me on antidepressants 15 years ago was Mrs Thistle being perma-ill with untreatable invisible things that specialists could do fuck all about. I remember my GP telling me I was Mrs Thistle's husband not her carer and I should take a break regularly.

                            I've got better over time at going off and doing things that I want to do but it's not always easy. Guilt is a difficult thing to ditch.

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                              #39
                              Thanks everyone. It helps just write to it down. It is tough being a spouse/carer. Mainly because there's no 'oblique' to separate them in life.

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                                #40
                                Yep. It's always there. And even when you're not with them there's always that worry.

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