Just musing on stuff I've been reading on social media recently.
I know 3 people who's partners died prematurely. All of them have children. I love them all, and I'm immensely proud of how they are dealing with their loss, or trying too. And everyone else they know does too. Unequivocally, and in two cases for more than a decade. Two of them have happily remarried. One is still in pieces, and I don't think he'll ever really recover. He's my best friend back in England.
I've thought this for a long time but never really dared to say it to anyone : if their partner had just left them, rather than dying, would they be happier, or better off?
If your partner dies, the sympathy and understanding is immediate. If your partner leaves you after decades of building a life together it's not, really. You may have friends and family who support you, but so does your ex partner. Whereas in nearly every bereavement there is the certainty that your partner loved you and that you demonstrated your love to the end, in divorce you could have given your absolute best to someone for 30 years but then be told that your not good enough. And support is not unequivocal at all. There is a constant feeling that you were not good enough. That you could have done better. That your children have been disadvantaged somehow. And you really don't go through life feeling that you were appreciated.
You can't go onFacebookand say that it's 10 years since your life partner left you and get 100 hearts. If you know anyone who is divorced after a long relationship, regardless of which side your loyalties lie, check how they are, Give them a hug as soon as it's safe and bloody legal.
I know 3 people who's partners died prematurely. All of them have children. I love them all, and I'm immensely proud of how they are dealing with their loss, or trying too. And everyone else they know does too. Unequivocally, and in two cases for more than a decade. Two of them have happily remarried. One is still in pieces, and I don't think he'll ever really recover. He's my best friend back in England.
I've thought this for a long time but never really dared to say it to anyone : if their partner had just left them, rather than dying, would they be happier, or better off?
If your partner dies, the sympathy and understanding is immediate. If your partner leaves you after decades of building a life together it's not, really. You may have friends and family who support you, but so does your ex partner. Whereas in nearly every bereavement there is the certainty that your partner loved you and that you demonstrated your love to the end, in divorce you could have given your absolute best to someone for 30 years but then be told that your not good enough. And support is not unequivocal at all. There is a constant feeling that you were not good enough. That you could have done better. That your children have been disadvantaged somehow. And you really don't go through life feeling that you were appreciated.
You can't go onFacebookand say that it's 10 years since your life partner left you and get 100 hearts. If you know anyone who is divorced after a long relationship, regardless of which side your loyalties lie, check how they are, Give them a hug as soon as it's safe and bloody legal.
Comment