The Unlocked Diaries

[treibeis]

Dreadful fucking turn-out today. Five coppers telling me what I can and can't do, none of whom were right.

"Good, then give it to me in writing. Like, exactly what you just said. Then I'll do it."

"I don't have to give you anything in writing. Just make sure it doesn't happen again. Otherwise it'll cost."

Three weeks ago, if you went into a bank with a mask, you got done. If now, you don't go into anywhere without a mask, you get done.

I live in a country where constitutional rights are writ large. Up to 16th March 2020; since then, the government have been able to do what they like.

[imp]

Nörgeln darf man aber immer!

[treibeis]

Nörgeln darf man aber immer!

That's one of your referee things, isn't it? Doesn't work there, doesn't work here.

[imp]

Heh heh. I thought of you fondly the other day walking past the barricaded mini-golf park. Kiosk is closed too - bloody part-timers.

[treibeis]

Heh heh. I thought of you fondly the other day walking past the barricaded mini-golf park. Kiosk is closed too - bloody part-timers.

I would say "wankers", but I don't know how you lot down south do it. Between you and me, I just think you're lazy bastards.

[Moonlight Shadow]

I don't think Iceland is too popular with NHS workers right now...

[treibeis]

At the moment, where at least 50% of my gross income has been fucked by coronavirus, I've got artisans in to sort out the holes once and for all.

I know "people who work with their hands" are all fucking great, and I know the people who are doing it, but: fucking hell. I've told them that it doesn't matter how long it takes and how much it costs, but they're still fucking moaning, not least because I'm not doing enough (err, why should I?). Whatever I do is, and I quote, "Scheiße".

Just do your fucking job and that's it.

[Nefertiti2]

At the moment, where at least 50% of my gross income has been fucked by coronavirus, I've got artisans in to sort out the holes once and for all.

I know "people who work with their hands" are all fucking great, and I know the people who are doing it, but: fucking hell. I've told them that it doesn't matter how long it takes and how much it costs, but they're still fucking moaning, not least because I'm not doing enough (err, why should I?). Whatever I do is, and I quote, "Scheiße".

Just do your fucking job and that's it.

"they're still fucking moaning"

Sowas hast du nie im Leben gemacht, oder?

[HORN]

Just back from Tesco.

For reasons not altogether clear I started coughing like an absolute twat the moment I got inside. It ceased when I got back into the car afterwards.

[Sporting]

Bloody hell, that's early opening!

[treibeis]

I went to a police station today and asked the bloke at the desk whether he could show me the new law that states that fines for anybody caught eating or drinking anything within 50 metres of where they bought it start at €2,000.

(I knew about the distance, but was sceptical regarding the fines.)

He told me that the fines were lower. And when I asked him why his colleague had mentioned €2,000 yesterday, he said, "Yes, but we're all uncertain at the moment, aren't we?"

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I think policemen making it up as they go along and plucking random figures out of the air isn't very good at all. And it's been happening a lot in the last four weeks, at least with the police I've had to deal with.

(The same colleague of the bloke at the desk told me yesterday that I was "creating a drinking orgy". This drinking orgy he was referring to consisted of two groups of two people (sat on four different park benches), one of whom was an 86-year-old woman with a cappuccino in her hand.)

[Moonlight Shadow]

Just back from Tesco.

For reasons not altogether clear I started coughing like an absolute twat the moment I got inside. It ceased when I got back into the car afterwards.

You must have been popular in there...

[HORN]

Bloody hell, that's early opening!

It opens at 6am. There was a short queue.

[HORN]

You must have been popular in there...

I was so embarrassed I just kept my head down.

[Sits]

I bet they distanced you well.

[treibeis]

Had a copper here today, 5'3" in his stilletoes. "Please remove the swing-top bins. It encourages people to unpack their food and drink before they ought to."

You're going to go right to the top, son.

[Sporting]

Had a copper here today, 5'3" in his stilletoes. "Please remove the swing-top bins. It encourages people to unpack their food and drink before they ought to."

You're going to go right to the top, son.

Things don't seem to have changed police-wise in Hamburg since my passport was stolen in the Fischmarket there maný years ago. Ineptitude and arrogance rolled into one.

[Nocturnal Submission]

Must have been a pikepocket.

[treibeis]

Must have been a pikepocket.

That's one of these "joke" things, isn't it? I don't get it.

[Sporting]

I do.

[treibeis]

I do.

I'm waiting ...

[Sporting]

pike/pick. Pike is a fish.

[treibeis]

pike/pick. Pike is a fish.

A pike is a fish. Yes, I'm with you.

And the joke is ... where? They don't sell pike at the Fischmarkt.

[Sporting]

[treibeis]

At the hut, I've got a couple of stand-up sandwich boards that I inherited from the previous hut-owner. At the moment, the top halves of both are plastered with signs telling people to stand at least 50 metres away before they eat or drink what they've bought. The bottom halves still have the proper signs, with "Minigolf & Kiosk" on them.

Yesterday, at half-past eight in the morning, before I'd even opened, a copper stopped and said, "Please cover up the word "Minigolf", as it makes it look like the course is open."

Spotters' badge for that one, constable.