Dementia - also a bastard

[Evariste Euler Gauss]

Condolences Paul. Nice tribute.

[Capybara]

Condolences Paul. Nice tribute.

Yep, agreed.

[scratchmonkey]

My condolences to Paul and again to everybody else who's lost a loved one this way.

My father was diagnosed with dementia in his late 50s (making it technically early-onset) and trying (often against his inclinations) to take care him of was a decade-long process before he passed four years ago. A bastard disease indeed.

[Hot Pepsi]

Sorry to hear that Paul, but is a blessing that she is now free of it, I suppose.

That is rough, Scratch. My grandmother had Alzheimer’s, but it didn’t really start until her late 70s before dragging on for over 15 years.

[My Name Is Ian]

My mum had dementia for the last year or two of her life, but getting a diagnosis for it took until three days before she died, already in hospital with pneumonia, and practically incapable of speech.

I first knew for sure in January of last year. I took the kids to my sister's house for mum's birthday, and about three times she called me Dylan, my older boy's name. My dad has been getting my name and date of birth wrong the whole of his life, but my mum doing it and the way she said it... I knew then, all the more so when she chided me because "I've heard that you've been out in town, swearing and smoking."

She'd been ill for about seven years by the time she died. She went into hospital in July, and what was the most surprising was the way in which the entire staff talked so incessantly about what her care arrangements would be when she came out as though it was inevitable that she'd get through this and everything would soon be back to normal. I guess they have to account for all emotional reactions, but my sister and I's response of, "She's not coming out of here alive, is she?" probably wasn't atypical.

I was going away for a couple of weeks at the end of August, so I went to see her the day before I left. She wasn't conscious, but I told her that I loved her, that I was so thankful for everything that she'd ever done for me, and that I was happy that she had the opportunity to have time with my boys. I don't know whether she could hear me or not. I hope she could.

The day before I came back was my birthday, and that evening I phoned my dad to check up on him. He was in tears on the phone so that call lasted about thirty seconds, so I called my sister and got the news, they'd been measuring her life in hours for the last week or so. When I woke up the next morning, there was an answerphone message on my phone, and I knew before I called. My sister, it turned out, was largely relieved that mum had clung on until two in the morning, so my birth date wasn't on the death certificate. Apparently, her last lucid words were, "I've got a funeral to go to, and I expect to hear Maggie May played at it", so Rod Stewart's ode to getting cougared ended up being the closing tune at her funeral.

I'm glad she didn't suffer with it for too long. She was on meds for depression anyway, was about 80% blind, and in a wheelchair for the last few years of her life, so this on top of everything else would have been crushing for her, had she been particularly aware of it, but I don't think she was. And for my dad, who's 83 and in decent health (despite a heart bypass in 2007), it's felt like two very different emotions. On the one hand, he was a sole carer, effectively, for the last few years. My sister lives nearby and was over there almost every day and I paid for a cleaner to go there once a week to try and ease some of the burden, but he did an amazing job. There must have been an element of relief by the end for him. In the other hand, though, they were only a month short of their 60th wedding anniversary, and I can't even really conceive of how big a hole it's left in his life.

I'm so sorry for those who've seen it up close and personal for years or decades. We only witnessed it over the course of a year or two, and it is like watching someone die in slow motion in front of you. But I'm also glad that she had a long and happy life, I'm glad that she was loved, and I'm glad that she didn't have to see the waking nightmare that this last couple of months has been.

[Nocturnal Submission]

Beautifully written, Ian. My belated condolences.

[Tactical Genius]

Condolences Paul. Nice tribute.

I concur

[elguapo4]

Condolences Paul an Ian, it's a horrible situation, and a reason I'm dreading old age.

[Exiled off Main Street]

My father, aged 91, died a couple of weekends ago. He has been suffering from dementia for around the past 13 years, getting progressively worse as the years passed. My dad died in his sleep, at hospital, his wife, mum, couldn't be there, although Dad wasn't a Covid casualty. His heart decided to slowly give up on him. We last spoke two weeks before his death, via Skype, he was as his norm these past years, yelling at the TV about something political.

I have had to change my flights from the USA to Manchester twice now, as legal stuff keeps forcing a change on the date of a cremation service. Plan to be in the UK end of next week. It's weird - because I know, as the eldest, a heartfelt eulogy will be expected. And I have been staring a blank sheet of paper (the screen) for a while. I guess I have yet to really feel his loss.

[laverte]

Condolences, Exiled. It sounds, on the contrary, as though you are feeling the loss greatly.

[Capybara]

Really sorry to hear that, Exiled.

[Nocturnal Submission]

My sincere condolences, EoMS.

[San Bernardhinault]

My condolences, Exiled.

[S. aureus]

Condolences, Exiled.

[ad hoc]

Yes condolences

No idea if it will help but just start making notes about strong memories and aspects of his character and little biographical details and the eulogy will come to you. That's how I did my dad's.

[Amor de Cosmos]

My deepest sympathies EMS. It is indeed a bastard, a painfully protracted one too.

[Sits]

My condolences Exiled. Don’t worry about the words. It will just work, and you’ll do him proud.

[WOM]

So, we have a ton of older people in my very suburban neighborhood, walking to and fro all day long for exercise. One of the regulars is a tall, thin, exceptionally sporty and elegant looking Asian guy. We nod, but he never speaks.

Yesterday afternoon, coming home from some errands, we saw him way the fuck up a main artery road and I said 'old Asian walking guy is really working it today'.

After dinner I'm poking around on Facebook and there's his picture with a panicked post from his family. Seems he's deep in Alzheimer's and has been missing for hours. I called the family and reported where I'd seen him, and we went out looking for him in the car for a couple of hours.

Around 9, they posted that they'd found him walking around Scarborough Town Centre, the big mall which is way to hell and gone across the city. He must have just hopped a bus.

So now I'll be keeping an eye out for him as I had zero clue he was ill. Him and the autistic kid who's a 'wanderer' and has absolutely no sense of direction. Frightening.

[Exiled off Main Street]

I have returned from the UK. The Crematorium gave us 35 mins to get the whole show wrapped up - as they had plenty more coming in behind us. So we were asked - it was suggested - that each speaker limit themselves to 5 mins max. I wrote mine out and edited to get to 5 mins on the dot. Meanwhile, the last speaker was to be my Uncle, my dad's brother. They rarely spoke as long as I knew them. He was a racist Tory and we are a devout non-racist socialist family. Anyway - my mum said as he had flown in from Spain - he could speak. And he didn't fail. His speech which dragged on for 15 mins - was all about himself. I grew angrier every second it went on. My mother was upset even more than she was being there to start with. As we left the crematorium - the next party were already lined up behind their hearse outside the main door... The woman who put our service together - told me that this is the busiest they have been in years. She reckons a lot of old people are dying of loneliness, more so than usual, obviously. Spent a week going through my dad's closet, finding hidden tins of amazing photos of him in immediate post war Berlin and Hamburg, that somehow we never knew he had. Football programmes from all the non-league clubs he played for from 1948 to 1965. Dementia took away a lot of stories we will never hear.

[ursus arctos]

Wow

They say that true adversity can reveal true character.

It did for your uncle and has for you.

Thenk you for sharing this with us.

We will always be here for you.

[Sits]

Couldn’t put it better than ursus did, Exiled.

[Nocturnal Submission]

I hope that the service, your uncle's contribution apart, and the mementos and memories which you uncovered have helped the grieving process, EoMS.

It sounds like your father lived a full life. Perhaps you could put some of the photos up on here, if you're happy to share them, and tell us a bit more about his footballing life.

[Balderdasha]

So, we have a ton of older people in my very suburban neighborhood, walking to and fro all day long for exercise. One of the regulars is a tall, thin, exceptionally sporty and elegant looking Asian guy. We nod, but he never speaks.

Yesterday afternoon, coming home from some errands, we saw him way the fuck up a main artery road and I said 'old Asian walking guy is really working it today'.

After dinner I'm poking around on Facebook and there's his picture with a panicked post from his family. Seems he's deep in Alzheimer's and has been missing for hours. I called the family and reported where I'd seen him, and we went out looking for him in the car for a couple of hours.

Around 9, they posted that they'd found him walking around Scarborough Town Centre, the big mall which is way to hell and gone across the city. He must have just hopped a bus.

So now I'll be keeping an eye out for him as I had zero clue he was ill. Him and the autistic kid who's a 'wanderer' and has absolutely no sense of direction. Frightening.

My grandmother used to do this when she had Alzheimer's. She once walked 14 miles across fields after having an argument with my grandfather, and turned up at my dad's meat processing factory (he didn't own it, he was a trading manager).

[WOM]

I've seen him out walking just three days since. Twice accompanied and once solo.

[elguapo4]

Condolences Exiled, glad you got back to say goodbye.