Close Ohlson

[EIM]

Clas Ohlson, one of my favourite shops, has all but shut down. They are going online only in the UK, with only Reading keeping their shop, the lucky Southern bastards.

Clas Ohlson is, as I've said before, A Wilkos for lads in jackets. The sort of place you go after Oi Polloi to buy a poster frame or a light bulb, or a spanner set. Except you're not just buying a spanner set, you're buying a lifestyle choice. Yeah, most people will see it as a few spanners in a little plastic box, but those spanners could be used to build a treehouse near Abisko, or a cabin in the Canadian Wilderness. More likely it'll get used to assemble a TV unit, but the potential is there.

I guess I'll just have to give up my Scandinavian Arctic dream of DIY gear in Fjallraven overshirts, decently priced electronics that dog-sled across the tundra, and cheap batteries that run out in my XBOX controller in a couple of hours after flogging themselves with branches while in the nude. And sweets called krapp or plopp or something. Horrible salty fish sweets that no one in their right mind would eat.

Goodnight, sweet price. May your now empty unit be used for something better than a vape shop, a discount card/calendar superstore, or cheap leisurewear outlet. In the meantime I'll go back to watching The Bridge while cuddling a vileda supermop and some Cillit Bang from Wilkinsons.

[Giggler]

Saw on your Twitter. Gutted. Bought a plastic spray bottle thing with which to moisten said overshirts while ironing them just the other week, and the batteries were always great value too.

[EIM]

FIVE OTHER SHOPS I DON'T WANT TO CLOSE

Safad - Palestinian falafel daddys on Bloom Street. Best I've had, with their special onions and couscous and tomato gear especially nice. Also do a top folded pizza for four quid, which comes with spinach, chicken, or spicy lamb.

Yadgar - Rice and three OGs. Lamb, lentil and chickpea for a fiver, washed down by a tin cup of water. Best cheap scran in town, worst toilets in the world.

Deadstock General Store - They fixed my Barbour holdall for a fiver when it was going to cost £60 odd in official circles. They sell absolutely loads of stuff I want, and none I need. I got a military watch from there, a traveller's notebook I'm too scared to use, an enamel soap dish. Everything looks fantastic. Nothing is of any practical use.

Wilkos - In this barren, scorched, Clas Ohlsonless world, where else can I turn to, but the comforting, sweaty bosom of the East Midlands. It's not as cool, not as hip, not as Olof Mellberg but it remains the best place to go to get stuff that nowhere else sells.

Siop Shop - How Northern Quarter are you? Well the other day I went to Siop Shop and had a vegan doughnut, hot chocolate, and a read of Proper Magazine, while people with beards in tiny wool hats, who wear their trousers like their cat has died, busied themselves on mac books and ordered stuff off a menu that's in English and Welsh. That's how Northern Quarter I am.

[Benjm]

Clas was over once it was on the high street really, but we all have fond memories of lads coming back from away games in Sweden with innovative storage solutions and durable barbecue accessories.

[Moonlight Shadow]

On the plus side, Uniqlo opening in Manchester is very near....

[Kowalski]

And Fopp has gone an' all. Where am I going to to get my Czech new wave films now?

[Patrick Thistle]

I never found it an easy place to shop. A real clas struggle.

[DCI Harry Batt]

What was that other shop there used to be? German maybe? My mum liked it.

[EIM]

Aldi? Lidl?

[DCI Harry Batt]

Nooooooo. They still have them.

[Nocturnal Submission]

Tchibo?

[DCI Harry Batt]

Yes! That's the fella.

[Nocturnal Submission]

Their policy was to replace their entire stock every week or so along with the type of merchandise, so it was kitchenware one week, then consumer electronics, then soft furnishings and so on. Quite ingenious although obviously not clever enough for them to flourish.

[ursus arctos]

That's their schtick in Germany too.

Jede Woche eine neue Welt.

But it is the coffee that gets most punters through the door.

[treibeis]

But it is the coffee that gets most punters through the door.

The two Tchibo shops within walking distance of my gaff no longer sell coffee.

What they do specialise in, however, is the sort of footwear that would have Toby Gymshorts frothing at the mouth.

[ursus arctos]

Is that a Hamburg thing? There are people who take coffee seriously there, which would be a problem for them.

[The Awesome Berbaslug!!!]

While on the topic of German Shops. The last time I was in Berlin we got on the underground railway, went the wrong way and emerged in a shopping area, and one of the huge shops had the remarkably instructive sign XXXL-XXXXXL. Is this a german chain? and does anyone know where I ended up?

[ursus arctos]

You're Irish?

Do you know my neighbour's mate Kevin?

[Toby Gymshorts]

The two Tchibo shops within walking distance of my gaff no longer sell coffee.

What they do specialise in, however, is the sort of footwear that would have Toby Gymshorts frothing at the mouth.

The best thing about Tchibo is the simultaneously stupid and vaguely rude logo.

One more thing: not even I, as both a rampant Germanophile and fan of questionable shoes, would go near German footwear*.

*Caveat: meaning the general German footwear you see yer ackshul Germans wearing. Yowzer.

[Benjm]

...one of the huge shops had the remarkably instructive sign XXXL-XXXXXL. Is this a german chain? and does anyone know where I ended up?

There's a sign like that on a shopping centre next to Alexanderplatz and the television tower. If you weren't there, maybe it is a chain.

I bought a pair of XXXXL trousers in a Giordano in Hong Kong once. As they were sized for the local market this equated to a 36" waist.

[The Awesome Berbaslug!!!]

I don't think it was Alexanderplatz, because I would have known where I was. That bloody tower is hard to miss. This was a bit out of town. Berlin is properly fucking massive.

[ursus arctos]

Here you go.

It's the same place that Benjm referred to; you must not have been looking towards the tower.

[The Awesome Berbaslug!!!]

I must have confused two different parts of the same day, because that's definitely the shop, and looking at it on Google earth, it's definitely not the place I was talking about. We were quite far from there. Berlin is great, but it's not somewhere you should go in february. Especially not when there's a fucking freezing front coming from the east. I thought I was going to die.

[Lang Spoon]

There's a sign like that on a shopping centre next to Alexanderplatz and the television tower. If you weren't there, maybe it is a chain.

I bought a pair of XXXXL trousers in a Giordano in Hong Kong once. As they were sized for the local market this equated to a 36" waist.

I remain perplexed that in a country of short arses like Catalunya I could never find a pair of jeans to fit. Either they all have tiny bodies and long legs or everyone bought 34 inch jeans and got their ma to do up the hem (which would be easy enough if you lived with your folks till the birth of your second child/your granny finally died). No 30 inch leg/30 waist for love nor money.

[treibeis]

Is that a Hamburg thing? There are people who take coffee seriously there, which would be a problem for them.

Don't know. They still have packets of coffee, but they're more expensive than in the supermarkets.

The two stores I mentioned are surrounded by literally dozens of other places selling coffee, from camping-stove instant for 50 cents to skinny lar-tays "mit Flavouring" for half a week's wages.