Weddings

[Hofzinser]

Is it just me or is organising a wedding a complete nightmare?

Ever since me and Mrs Hofzinser started organising ours a few months back it's been a non-stop headache - mainly, it must be said, because of my mum.

Pretty much every step of the way, she's found something to complain about or criticise, or she's sought to ensure that arrangements for things have gone her way.

This mainly centres (for the moment, at least, although it's by no means the only thing) around the guest list. Me and Mrs H want a small, intimate ceremony with only our closest family and friends there, followed by a bigger reception for around 120 people.

My mum, however, wants all her (and my dad's) extended family to be at the ceremony too, and also wants to ask people like my brother's wife's parents to the reception (despite the fact that I've met them maybe once, not had any sort of conversation with them ever, and they have never met my fiancee) along with, I strongly suspect, assorted other people who I have little to no relationship with.

Me and Mrs. H have resisted all this and reiterated that it's our day and we want to do things our way. But despite this having been said several times now, still the pressure keeps coming. And it looks like it may not let up between now and next March, when we get married.

The added complication is that my mum and dad are giving us substantial sums towards the funding of it, which I suppose is why my mum feels she has a right to butt in. But it feels to me like if we were to give way on what she wants then it would not be the wedding that me and Mrs. H want, and not be the wedding we've envisaged. And I don't want the money under those circumstances. I'd rather go and do it in a registry office while no one's looking, frankly.

And I've told my mum that I don't want any money if preconditions are attached, and she says there are no preconditions, she's just trying to offer "suggestions" (yeah right), while still applying the pressure.

Right now, I really feel like we should just run off and do it, and then come back and tell everyone we're married.

The thing is, the day we have planned is one that I think would be really great, but right now neither me nor my fiancee can really think about our own wedding without feelings of dread and anxiety because of all the pressure being put on us to do it a different way.

Is this normal? And if so, how do you deal with it?

[Gangster Octopus]

Weddings

We just told our parents where and when to turn up. Helps if you're a bit older and better off, mind.

[JtS]

Weddings

Both our parents were relatively cool about it, we only had to invite a couple of people who were on the marginal list anyhoo.

Stand up to her, talk to your dad, maybe even tell your mum how you're feeling.

[bovril]

Weddings

Don't let anyone interfere.
Its your day. enjoy it your way.

Those close to you will understand and respect your wishes.

[Hofzinser]

Weddings

I'm going up north for a cousin's wedding at the beginning of August (a wedding which will be exactly how my mum wants ours to be, which won't help things) so I imagine I'll have a proper chat about it then. My fiancee is extremely reluctant to go with me because it will be a weekend of wedding-pressure hell, much like our last visit north was, and I don't blame her one bit, so I'm going to have to come up with an excuse for her absence. But it'll probably be good to be able to talk to my parents without anyone else there.

My mum (according to my brother) frowned disapprovingly when she heard of our plans to have a tiered cheese mountain instead of a cake. God knows what she'll be like when she finds out that my fiancee isn't taking my name.

[Gangster Octopus]

Weddings

But Zinser's such an evocative name...

[Mumpo]

Weddings

Heh. At least you don't have to break the news to your mum that the dinky little, thoroughly British wedding she wanted for her first-born is in fact going to be a traditional Iranian affair run by a Muslim cleric at the bride's mother's house.

I would recommend you tell your mum where to stuff her money, then invite your intimate friends to a registry office somewhere scenic, have a short ceremony and hit the town.

[hobbes]

Weddings

so I'm going to have to come up with an excuse for her absence

Don't. Explain to your Mum that the stress of her constant input is causing you so much grief that your fiance couldn't face coming. Then ask her (very politely) to butt out and just turn up on the day and that you won't discuss the wedding or anything about it with her any further.

[WOM]

Weddings

Its your day. enjoy it your way.

This is the sentiment that's launched a thousand fights.

It it notyour day. It's the day you are getting married. But your marriage means a lot of things to a lot of different people. Your parents have likely been looking forward to this day for years, and they probably want to enjoy that day in the company of their contemporaries as much as in the company of yours.

Whether you're taking your vows in front of 30 people or 130 people likely won't make any difference to your enjoyment of the day. BUT...having lifelong friends there to enjoy it with them could make all the difference to your parents.

Wedding planning is a great time to begin practicing the type of compromise that will help your marriage be a long and happy one.

[bovril]

Weddings

there were no fights at my wedding..

we did it our way, and everyone had a fantastic time

[Guest]

Weddings

It it notyour day. It's the day you are getting married. But your marriage means a lot of things to a lot of different people. Your parents have likely been looking forward to this day for years,

Yeah. Sadly this is right. That's why although it's very romantic to disappear to Vegas and come back with a fait accompli, if it matters to your parents to be there, they're going to be hurt. I think WOM's absolutely right about compromises. But your parents also need to make them too, not just you. The key is probably getting them to agree on that principle, and then working out what is and what isn't vital to you, and giving in on things that aren't.

You could: insist on having the ceremony your way, but allow them to invite more people to the reception; you could agree that you choose details like cake, flowers etc but in return they get something that matters less to you their own way, whatever that might be.

I remember I did most of the work on organising my wedding and we also paid for it all ourselves so I was able to tell my mum that we weren't going to get people to bring their own food, and that I don't care what other people have, i hate fruit cake, etc. But I remember my husband's dad made an almighty fuss about the fact that all the food was to be vegetarian. But I made it clear that that was absolutely not going to be any other way because that was really important to me. etc

Seems like a hundred years ago now. #

I wish you lots and lots and lots of luck with this!

[Purves Grundy]

Weddings

We had a registry office do in front of 4 people, which I was told was the minimum allowed. Arranged and performed in 72 hours. Piece of piss.

[WOM]

Weddings

there were no fights at my wedding..

It's cuz you shaved.

[WOM]

Weddings

We had a registry office do in front of 4 people, which I was told was the minimum allowed.

One of whom presumably had a shotgun pointed at your back.

[evilC]

Weddings

Purves Grundy wrote:

We had a registry office do in front of 4 people, which I was told was the minimum allowed. Arranged and performed in 72 hours. Piece of piss.

Though I can take or leave marriage as an institution, I do love any excuse for getting a bit tarted up, getting pissed and having a laugh, so I enjoy them on that basis. I thought you liked the old 'dress-up' bit too, Purves? I find it a little surprising that you didn't have a more 'dressy-uppy' do. ...Or did you do that, but as an entirely separate event?

A friend of mine (ind of an ex, actually) is getting married on the Queen Mary, on the Thames, in October. I'm really looking forward to that. Especially so if there's loads of champagne!

[bovril]

Weddings

WornOldMotorbike wrote:

there were no fights at my wedding..

It's cuz you shaved.

exactly

i shaved twice actually

[Guest]

Weddings

We had rows with my mum about inviting friends of her I've hardly met and my wife had never met. Also about the fact that my step-mother got to sit with my sister and my mum didn't. The hugely insulting flaw in that comment was that my mum was on the top table with my wife and I and her parents. I've never been more cross with my mum than that day actually (up to that point at least. Her behaviour last year after visiting my sister in Oz was worse).

We also had arguments with my mother in law to be about flower arrangements, linen and whether the cutlery was stainless steel or 'proper' and made of silver.

THE MIL then fell out with the venue manager over where the table decorations should go on the big day.

[Hofzinser]

Weddings

Food for thought from WOM and lyra there. The problem is that me and Mrs. H's idea of the day, and my mum's idea of it, are diametrically opposed in many important respects, making worthwhile compromise very difficult, if not impossible.

If, for instance, we acquiesced to the notion of having aunts and uncles there for the ceremony, that would automatically almost double the number attending, meaning that our own vision of a small, intimate ceremony for close friends and family would be shelved. There's not really a compromise option there that would please both sides (and in any case, the venue we have now confirmed for that can't take the extra numbers). With aunts and uncles and cousins and the like, it's really an "all or nothing", politically speaking - you can't start picking your favourites.

And the venue we've booked for the party afterwards can only take 120 people, meaning we have 59 guests each, so it's just not going to be possible to invite everyone my mum wants to. I don't really see a way round that.

I guess I just wish I was getting more support and that me and my fiancee could actually look forward to our wedding, and I'm just using otf as a sounding off board to vent my frustrations about it.

[Mumpo]

Weddings

Unfortunately for parents, the day you get married is, symbolically at least, the day you become a little less 'theirs' and a little bit more of your own person. Discuss by all means, compromise if you wish, but at the end of the day (or preferably before the end of the day), make sure you and your partner are happy with the arrangements.

But I remember my husband's dad made an almighty fuss about the fact that all the food was to be vegetarian. But I made it clear that that was absolutely not going to be any other way because that was really important to me. etc

I have absolutely no significant regrets about our wedding day, but I do wish I hadn't budged on my request for the food to be wholly vegetarian.

[Guest]

Weddings

I'm just using otf as a sounding off board to vent my frustrations about it.

That's fair enough!
It sounds to me like the decision's made, anyway, in that you've made the bookings, so it's tough - no aunts and uncles, and your mum needs to let go of that. I get that persuading her of this won't be easy. Is there something else she could have to kind of make up for it?

What about hosting a party a few months later for all the extended in laws and cousins and what have you? Something not so expensive like hiring a room in a pub, etc?

[Guest]

Weddings

Do it! A good rant is whats needed.

By the end of the planning we'd both started to realise that alot of the small things didn't matter anymore and we just wanted each other and as long as the rest of it passed without any big fights on the day then that's great.

We got hitched, had a cracking party and then lost all the photos due to a shitpiece SD card.

Don't go on honeymoon with the same SD card you used all day, that's my moto. Though this is only the ones taken on our camera, we still have the official ones.

[Hofzinser]

Weddings

What about hosting a party a few months later for all the extended in laws and cousins and what have you? Something not so expensive like hiring a room in a pub, etc?

Well they're all going to be invited to the reception in the evening, just not the ceremony itself so that should take care of that.

I really don't think any of them will have a problem with it either. It's just my mum getting worked up about it. I get the impression that she sees the day as an occasion to "show off" at to everyone, and is miffed that a lot of the people she wanted to show off to won't be there.

[Mumpo]

Weddings

I appreciate that my attitude might change in the future, but right now, I can't imagine any but the wildest scenarios in which my son or daughter's wedding arrangements might annoy or upset me, or in which I'd attempt to impose selfish amendments. It is incontrovertibly all about them, and their happiness.

[Hofzinser]

Weddings

I totally agree with those sentiments, KM, which is why I find my mum's attitude all the more aggrivating.

I get that persuading her of this won't be easy. Is there something else she could have to kind of make up for it?

I'm trying quite hard to think of a decent bone I could throw her but I'm not sure what that might be. I think making the reception as "wedding-y" as possible, perhaps with speeches and stuff, would be a good start.

[WOM]

Weddings

Hof, I'll back you and the lady on one big point: If I've never met you, you really don't need to be at my wedding. If you've been dating for two or three years and have never met someone at a Christmas do, or a funeral or another wedding at least, then there's no fuss to be made by your mum about them seeing you hitched.

Regrets? The only one was my father-in-law insisting on hiring a lovely old Cadillac ragtop to take us from the backyard wedding to the reception. We said "NO!" eighteen different ways from Sunday. He did it anyway. It was cold and windy and Mrs WOM was in tears by the time we got there.

That aside, a lovely day.