I am a klutz

[Mumpo]

It's just taken me five minutes to fill up our pepper mill with black peppercorns. Which might not actually sound like very long, until you think what a straightforward operation it should be. First I tried to pour the peppercorns directly from the jar into the top of the mill; but the rim of the jar was too wide, and the corns went all over the table and the floor. Then I tried to filter them in through my hand, but too many of them went through my fingers, and ended up all over the table and the floor. I tried to clear up the spilled peppercorns from the table top by brushing them into my upturned palm held at the edge of the table; but once they were in there, I realised that it was only my hand being up against the vinyl tablecloth that was keeping them there, and in attempting to get my other hand around them, most of them spilled all over the floor. Starting with another handful of peppercorns from the jar I tried with a modicum of success to tip them into the mill, and with it half full, I decided the operation had been enough of a success. It was only then I realised that with all the other tribulations, the central axle of the pepper mill had dropped out of its socket, causing the grinding mechanism to slip also, and several peppercorns to become trapped inside, meaning I couldn't screw the lid back on. So I had to tip all the peppercorns back into the jar (spilling more than a few over the table top and floor) and start the operation over again from scratch.

I need to fit a carpet runner in the hallway later this afternoon. Expect bloodshed.

[Stumpy Pepys]

I am a klutz

I would have made a big funnel out of some paper, but there may be easier ways.

[Mumpo]

I am a klutz

It would have been less hassle to transfer them one by one with a pair of tweezers.

[linus]

I am a klutz

like this for example:

[Alderman Barnes]

I am a klutz

You have my full sympathy, Mumpo - I've been there too. It's a surprisingly tricky operation, not least because it's something you don't normally remember to do until the exact moment when you've got pots boiling and urgently need pepper - so you hurry it and cut corners.

The "wanker's hand" method is always a disaster. I've tried the paper funnel, but unless you've got time to fashion a proper one using sturdy paper and sellotape, it's not much better.

These days I always try have a plastic funnel at hand, but even that's not without its pitfalls. If the funnel's too small, the peppercorns get stuck in it. If it's too big, you run the risk of misjudging the metering rate and overfilling the pepperpot. You also have to be careful what way round you position the funnel, as the stems are usually bevelled and you can still end up with corns all over the floor.

It's a fucking minefield, man.

[WOM]

I am a klutz

I'll tell ya what Charlie Sheen would do: he'd crush each corn to dust, between his fingertips, right over your pasta.

[Stumpy Pepys]

I am a klutz

The "wanker's hand" method is always a disaster.

Hmmm … this kind of thing?

[EIM]

I am a klutz

I do this every day. I have to since a member of staff filled all the pepper grinders with ground black pepper. It's easy after a while. The paper cone method is best.

[hobbes]

I am a klutz

Hmmm … this kind of thing?

I think it generally refers to wanking yourself, rather than an invisible giant standing behind you.

[kugelrund]

I am a klutz

You prompted a coffee/laptop near miss there, hobbes.

(Hmm. He's really going for it, isn't he. I feel quite sorry for the invisible giant.)

[hobbes]

I am a klutz

He does look a total Gareth in that picture, doesn't he?

Mumpo, what you need is a really big pepper mill. That way, you've got more to aim at.