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Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

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    Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

    Feathers, everywhere. No sign of a dead bird, though. One sheepish-looking tom cat skulking on the sofa in the lounge, who looked at me as I walked in as if to say, "who, me?".

    Little bastard. He's got a bell on his collar, and everything. It's been ages since he caught a thing.

    #2
    Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

    My sister's dog (half-Westie, half-Penrith panting shadow) has recently acquired the habit of killing squirrels in the garden.

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      #3
      Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

      Squirrels are ferocious little buggers. Claws sharp enough to shin up trees, and teeth that can bite through acorns (have you ever tried biting through an acorn? They're not exactly soft).

      This thread needs EIM to wake up, and soon.

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        #4
        Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

        Sorry I'm late.

        Your problem here, Rogin, is that the bird is clearly alive and somewhere in your house. You have feathers, which show a bird has been there. But you have no bird, and it's highly unlikely your cat ate every single bit of it.

        no. There's a bird in your house, and soon you'll find yourself chiseling shit off the sills until you die of some bird-shit toxin disease. Unlucky.

        I'm standing aside and letting the squirrels through. They've had their day. We all know about them and the troubles they face. And now, I hear, the gray squizza is in danger from a dangerous, stronger, immigrant squirrel. According to GMTV (probably, I don't seem to watch anything else) the black squirrel is coming over here, taking our jobs and women, and forcing the grey squirrel to extinction. This, along with the immigrant ladybird population threatening the hard working, stiff-upper lipped domestic ladybird population scare stories, makes you wonder if the media have a bit of an agenda going on...

        So no. No more squirrels. And while Penrith panting shadow is scaring the bejesus out of me, in a way Sir Arthur Conan Doyle can only wish he'd managed, I'm leaving the squirrels be.

        OTTERS THOUGH. My word. What hilarious little beasts. Usually in the zoo you'd count on the penguins for your comedic interlude. Well, no more. The penguins have got lazy. They're in a comfort zone. They spend all their time posing on rocks, swimming about, and being generally boring. It's penguining by numbers. Where's the fun? The aquatic joi de vivre? The belly laughs as the penguins smash in to each other and go sprawling in to the water?

        I'll tell you where they are: they're at the otter enclosure.

        Fucking right. I nominate the summer 2008 as The Otter Summer. Who's with me?

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          #5
          Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

          Tarka didn't die at the end, you know. He swam away, underwater. He bloody did, it's true.

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            #6
            Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

            Ah, time for my first mention on the new board of me knowing the actual bloke who did for Mij...

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              #7
              Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

              This, along with the immigrant ladybird population threatening the hard working, stiff-upper lipped domestic ladybird population scare stories,
              Which ones are the immigrants, are they the mostly black ones (convenient for the Daily mail's subliminal indocrination campaign, that).

              I spent the day gardening on Monday and literally on every leaf was a pair of ladybirds shagging. Thousands and thousands of shagging ladybirds. And often it was the black ones with red spots shagging the red ones with black spots.

              However many of them there are, though, I don't see how they can ever eat their way through the aphid population.

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                #8
                Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

                But were you looking out for shagging aphids?

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                  #9
                  Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

                  Aphids cover ever surface so thickly they could be up to literally anything, I can't tell.

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                    #10
                    Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

                    Ermmm... I dunno. I think they're just larger, more ferocious, and harder working. It's not something I delved too deeply in to. As it was I lambasted the poor woman who told me by saying that if the ladybirds were succeeding over here, it was down to their work ethic, and the unwillingness of the domestic ladybird to adapt. Besides, I told her, I refuse to be defined by socio-political boundaries, we're all just ladybird citizens of Planet Earth.

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                      #11
                      Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

                      Well so far like I say all they seem to do is fuck the local women and ignore the vast amount of work there is to do. typical. did you know that ladybirds can predict the weather far in advance, something that science is totally unable to do? they're cleverer than science. Give them a few hundred years and they'll be in charge I tell you.

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                        #12
                        Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

                        Oh no

                        It is the black ones. The buggers are EVERYWHERE. Collect them and send them to a professor? it would take forever.

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                          #13
                          Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

                          I'm underwhelmed by this. So as this harlequin ladybird eats all the aphids, native ladybirds starve and become rare?

                          Ah well. Not as extensive a range of ladybirds to flick off my tshirt in summer then. Cry me a river, Michael Majerus.

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                            #14
                            Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

                            Well if I thought last years single fox demolition of my garden was bad enough (right up until I found the fucker dead on the lawn after a forntnight of rain - poor thing probably drowned) it appears that this year I have a family of 4 living there.
                            On Monday it took me an hour to clear up 2 binbags full of other peoples rubbish that the little red ballbags had left strewn across the garden.
                            They seem to have a particular penchant for bread and tennis balls.
                            Still, I'll get 'em back. As soon as I figure out a humane way to get them into my giant catapult.

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                              #15
                              Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

                              Aphids don't need to shag. They're born pregnant.

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                                #16
                                Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

                                As soon as I figure out a humane way to get them into my giant catapult.
                                Lure them with bread and tennis balls.

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                                  #17
                                  Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

                                  Alderman Barnes wrote:
                                  Aphids don't need to shag. They're born pregnant.
                                  In that case, I think there was a family of aphids on Jeremy Kyle the other day.

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                                    #18
                                    Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

                                    Jeremy Kyle is aces, isn't he. The absolute epitome of everything vile in society. The remorseless, cretinous moralising is quite extraordinary.

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                                      #19
                                      Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

                                      He has nothing on that Steve, the big bald, policeman who used to do security on Springer. His show plumbs depths Kyle can't even imagine. He made one 'paedophile' (he 'molested' a 14 year old girl, which isn't right, of course, but isn't paedophilia either) stand up all show as child molesters aren't allowed to sit down on his stage.

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                                        #20
                                        Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

                                        Haha really? it's been years since I saw a US show of this type.

                                        Last time I saw Jeremy he was screeching abuse at some poor young girl who'd snogged someone at a party when she was drunk. you'd think she'd raped and murdered her own grandmother the way he was treating her. you can tell he thinks all women are whores and would like nothing better than to be able to parade sinners through the streets and put them in the stocks and have people throw stones at them. that's what's so good about it. he clearly is very very repressed and very perverted indeed. he's the archetypal crush of shame.

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                                          #21
                                          Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

                                          Lure them with bread and tennis balls
                                          You see, it seems so obvious now.

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                                            #22
                                            Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

                                            From 'Nature red in tooth and claw' to 'the Jeremy Kyle show': what an excellent segue.

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                                              #23
                                              Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

                                              Kyle is totally all about the impersonal cruelty of Nature.

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                                                #24
                                                Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

                                                Penguins used to be humble little creatures, but since they became popular because of Disney, they're full of themselves. I've smashed all of my penguin figurine collection into itty bitty pieces, just as I did with his when Tom Cruise lost his mind).

                                                I just closed a parenthetical statement that I never opened. I blame the penguins and the Scientologists (and it wouldn't surprise me if the penguins are members too).

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                                                  #25
                                                  Nature red in tooth and claw - and in my hallway

                                                  just as I did with his when Tom Cruise lost his mind
                                                  Let me get this straight, when Tom Cruise lost his mind, you went and smashed up his collection of penguin figurines?

                                                  This was after he'd lost his mind, yeah?

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