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    So, impotence then

    Beautiful, outgoing and successful girl spends her 20s going through a string of boyfriends who don't pan out. Thinks she's doomed to spinsterhood, has generally terrible luck with men, not through any fault of her own other than being too patient and optimistic with guys who are never going to commit to her.

    Gets to her early 30s and finally meets a guy who's right and who wants the same things, stability, kids, lifelong commitment. They fall for each other. By the third date or so, however, she learns that the guy, also in his early 30s, is unable to get an erection. He has been in some long relationships before and had been, according to him, sexually operational; then there was a two year period of being single and he starts to notice his willy going soft. We don't consider there to be any reason he's lying about his prior functionality - why would he?

    He didn't plan on falling in love again, but now that he has, he's started seeing specialists. Drugs like Viagra and Cialis have had no effect...One specialist tells him it's a vascular issue; the prognosis at this point starts to look grim....

    He's just about perfect for her in every other way, however. He could, with difficulty, produce sperm for the purpose of artificial insemination (or there are always more invasive measures), so kids aren't necessarily off the table. However, the prospect of a sexless marriage looms very large right now.

    So, what do you do if you are the girl? She's extremely affectionate, needs reciprocation loves sex, you'd certainly describe her as a 'sexual being'. This issue is causing them to avoid fooling around much at all because there can be no fulfillment. Does she walk away? She wants marriage and a family more than anything, but the strain of a sexless marriage would be enormous and would, in my thinking, almost certainly lead to an affair at some point. But ditching this poor man, who's an all-around good guy, would be devastating for him, obviously. He's found the love of his life and he is, I can well imagine, terrified.

    This is not a ganja-esque hypothetical, the people involved are real. What is the right thing to do? Just thought I'd get some feedback.

    #2
    So, impotence then

    Well, it's all down to the individuals in question but if, for instance, his fingers and tongue work okay, he should still be able to give her sexual fulfillment. Possibly she might be the one with insecurities. If she's not a wholly selfish person, she might be worrying what fulfillment he's getting.

    Lesbian couples do okay without the need for an erect penis.

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      #3
      So, impotence then

      No, his lack of fulfillment is a huge part of it. I described it mainly from her point of view, because she's the one close to me, but obviously he's looking at something far more depressing.

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        #4
        So, impotence then

        Has he expressed that view openly? Or the potential "devastation" or "terror"?

        I really don't mean to be uncharitable to your friend, but it does strike me that she may be projecting quite a bit here.

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          #5
          So, impotence then

          Has he exhausted all the medical options? I know there are mechanical implants that can be of benefit.

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            #6
            So, impotence then

            Has he exhausted all psychological options? This could be entirely stress related, or a form of performance anxiety.

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              #7
              So, impotence then

              ursus arctos wrote:
              Has he expressed that view openly? Or the potential "devastation" or "terror"?

              I really don't mean to be uncharitable to your friend, but it does strike me that she may be projecting quite a bit here.
              When it first started happening to him, as he explained to her, he assumed he would never have a girlfriend again and became extremely depressed about it. It remains a touchy subject for him.

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                #8
                So, impotence then

                Stumpy Pepys wrote:
                Has he exhausted all the medical options? I know there are mechanical implants that can be of benefit.
                Implants have been mentioned as an option; things haven't proceeded that far yet. I don't know much of anything about implants, my understanding is it makes one more or less permanently erect? I don't know what other options there are. (n.b. they tried a penis pump once but it was apparently horrible. and painful.)

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                  #9
                  So, impotence then

                  Your last answer leads me to echo WoM's question.

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                    #10
                    So, impotence then

                    WornOldMotorbike wrote:
                    Has he exhausted all psychological options? This could be entirely stress related, or a form of performance anxiety.
                    It apparently isn't, because he doesn't only fail to get aroused around her; it never becomes erect. No morning wood, no nothing. They did some test where you inject fluid into it, and that apparently led them to believe it was likely vascular because he still only became partially erect.

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                      #11
                      So, impotence then

                      They need to have good honest communication between them. Their desire for children can be met so it is the sexual fulfillment that is the issue. They need to agree whether fingers, tongues and toys are enough or not.

                      One thing is for sure, if the guy thinks that the only thing that will save the relationship is his willy working then that pressure will be impossible to overcome. They need to be having fun whilst they explore all medical and psychological avenues.

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                        #12
                        So, impotence then

                        Extremely wise words from Nil.

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                          #13
                          So, impotence then

                          Oh, also, he's now taking clomid (clomifene), which you ordinarily associate with female fertility. So they're still trying to address this hormonally. I don't know much about erectile dysfunction. I'm sure it's quite complex, that physiological things can interfere with hormonal things, and vice versa.

                          My main question is, assuming he is in fact impotent, what should she do? What would you do? If I were he, I do wonder whether I wouldn't try to extract myself from the relationship, for 'unselfish' reasons. I dunno.

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                            #14
                            So, impotence then

                            Nil Arshavin wrote:
                            One thing is for sure, if the guy thinks that the only thing that will save the relationship is his willy working then that pressure will be impossible to overcome. They need to be having fun whilst they explore all medical and psychological avenues.
                            And to echo Nil, if the guy thinks that him being impotent is ruining the relationship, it could be too much for her to put up with if he's looking for constant reassurance. I have no idea if this is anything what their relationship is like, but I can imagine him insisting that everything is his fault, while expecting her to say no, so she can help him feel better about himself.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              So, impotence then

                              Nil Arshavin wrote:
                              They need to have good honest communication between them. Their desire for children can be met so it is the sexual fulfillment that is the issue. They need to agree whether fingers, tongues and toys are enough or not.

                              One thing is for sure, if the guy thinks that the only thing that will save the relationship is his willy working then that pressure will be impossible to overcome. They need to be having fun whilst they explore all medical and psychological avenues.
                              I agree with all this. I think they do have good communication, but they're still in wait-and-see mode. (Although 'having fun' isn't really an option right now, for reasons to do with her being extremely stressed out in her current job, and it being a long-distance relationship at the moment. They were planning to move to the same town together this fall.)

                              Is there something wrong with deciding toys et al aren't enough? It seems selfishness of the 'understandable' kind. What if he thinks it's enough and she doesn't? or vice versa. Tough luck? The other concern is the biological clock; if she ends this she has to start all over, in a new city, at an age where she doesn't have a lot of time to start a family before she starts getting into riskier child-bearing age. (She's an ob-gyn and hence a bit preoccupied with child-bearing age.)

                              Comment


                                #16
                                So, impotence then

                                Incandenza wrote:
                                And to echo Nil, if the guy thinks that him being impotent is ruining the relationship, it could be too much for her to put up with if he's looking for constant reassurance. I have no idea if this is anything what their relationship is like, but I can imagine him insisting that everything is his fault, while expecting her to say no, so she can help him feel better about himself.
                                Yeah, shit like this is I would think bound to crop up to some extent. He's a pretty confident seeming guy, not the insecure type, but that could be more his outward presentation.

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                                  #17
                                  So, impotence then

                                  I didn't mean to suggest that deciding toys et al aren't enough makes your friend or her boyfriend less of a person. It would be perfectly understandable. I just meant that they need to be upfront about it.

                                  Having fun was a euphemism for kissing and cuddling etc.. It wasn't related to the seriousness and status of their relationship.

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                                    #18
                                    So, impotence then

                                    As I said, they're avoiding the kissing and cuddling because it leads to frustration. She's going out of her mind a bit.

                                    As for it being perfectly understandable, well it is. It's just a hard decision to make.

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                                      #19
                                      So, impotence then

                                      If one of them doesn't think it is enough then I would imagine it is a dealbreaker for the relationship. If that is the case, considering the ticking of your friend's clock, I'd imagine things should come to a swift resolution rather than string things out. Every decision regarding long term relationships and families is hard. Your friend has it harder than most though.

                                      I don't think anybody can answer the what would you do question though. It depends on too many factors. Their own experiences and future desires are going to be unique.

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                                        #20
                                        So, impotence then

                                        Thanks Nil. She is, it goes without saying, extremely upset about this. As for the swift resolution I guess it depends on how long the medical avenues get explored.

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                                          #21
                                          So, impotence then

                                          I don't think I would like to be in a sexless relationship, but if I really loved the person I was with, I'd not see that as a dealbreaker. As has been said, there are other ways.

                                          I also don't think that physical intimacy should lead to frustration once it it is accepted that genital intercourse is not an option. And that's really what I would guess is at issue here: acceptance of circumstances and trust. Once the impotence becomes a non-issue, once the pressure is off, their relationship can proceed to a level were, who knows, the guy regains his powers to perform (assuming that the condition isn't exclusively physiological).

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