Come on, straight knockout in the current brackets - who has the best and shittest art? I am an abject philistine and as such have no knowledge of the relevant canon(s), but luckily the Europeana project (a big EU humanities project that aggregates the digital collections of museums/libraries/archives throughout the Union) has knocked up a bracket with each country represented by a given artwork in their collection.
My picks, on the basis of the bracket, are as follows. I'm not entirely sure how to progress as the rounds progress, but whatever. Thought it might be a nice alternative to the World Cup Pop Songs brackets or whatever.
France (The Lion Hunt | Eugène Delacroix) vs. Argentina (The back view of a couple walking hand-in-hand - Antonio Seguí)
Argentina nick this one. Two entries both ugly in their own way, but the Delacroix is definitely something that my eyes would glide painlessly over as my attention span, ravaged by rap music and MTV, searches for something more immediately gratifying. The Argentinian entry looks exactly like you would expect a mid-90s AIDS PSA to look, like some half-baked Keith Haring, but that's not such a bad thing. At least it's got some colour to it.
Uruguay (Yellow fever in Buenos Aires, 1871 - Juan Manuel Blanes) vs. Portugal (The Greyhounds - Amadeo de Sousa-Cardoso
Tough call. On the one hand you've got a dead woman getting pawed by a baby that looks like Wayne Rooney, on the other hand some incredibly stylish greyhounds. The dogs win it for me, on account of looking my mam's salukis, but the Uruguayans have got to feel a bit disappointed at an unexpected early departure despite a strong, gothy performance. No disgrace in losing to these sleek hounds though.
Spain (Portrait of Don Ramón Satué - Goya, Francisco de vs. Russia (The Sea Princess - Vrubel, Mihail)
The boring 1-0 AET of the round. Get this trash out of here. Boring portrait of fat lord vs. marginally less boring portrait of Pauline Calf. Fat lord wins it on account of him looking like my mate Lee, and his having a slightly glum face that makes me smirk for some reason.
Croatia (Abraham žrtvuje Izaka - Federiko Benković vs. Denmark (Summer evening on Skagen's Southern Beach - Peder Severin Krøyer
The dramatic chiaroscuro of the Croatian entry wins this one for me, Brian. The Danes just didn't turn up on the day, presenting the kind of tepid shite I will readily (and ignorantly) imagine well represents the experience of living in Denmark.
Brazil (Landscape in Brazil - Frans Jansz Post) vs. Mexico (National Institute of Cardiology Mural - Diego Rivera)
Much like sub-Saharan African countries and their French journeymen coaches, the Brazilians have drafted in an outsider to underwhelming effect. A picture so boring I didn't even click on the thumbnail. Not that it matters, because the Mexicans win this in a rout, looking capable of smashing anybody on this kind of form. This is top as fuck, even though one of the doctors in the middle of the picture appears to be committing a serious sexual assault on his patient. 5-0 to the Communist.
Belgium (Pornokrates - Félicien Rops) vs. Japan (Fuji as seen from the Katakura tea planatation in Suruga province - Katsushika Hokusai)
Well, the best thing I can say about the Japanese entry is that at least they didn't go for the predictableHokusai. Rops' long track record of baudy whimsy makes this an easy victory for the Belgians, without even having to pull any of the bigger names (your Magrittes, yer Rubens, yer Van Eycks) off the bench. In my younger, darker, more foolish days, I once spent a long weekend in Namur taking drugs alone in a cheap hotel room. One brief moment of light was going to the Musee Felicien Rops, an experience of joy and wonder.
Sweden (Breakfast under the Big Birch - Carl Larsson vs. Switzerland (Ulysses discovers Achilles hidden among the daughters of King Lycomedes - Angelica Kauffmann)
Another drab pairing, the Swedish entry looking like an illustration from a kid's book in my grandma's house, and its Swiss counterpart showing little to perk up my jaded eye. Switzerland on pens.
Colombia (Waterfall in Tequendama, Colombia - Cornelis van der Grient) vs. England (The Watermill - John Constable)
Absolute selection disaster by the Colombians. Like Brazil, they've brought in a European ringer. Unlike Brazil, they chose an absolutely uninspiring sketch. I've no time for Constable, but he's walked this one, the battered run-down state of the watermill well representing the present state of the nation. It's inhabitant probably voted hard Brexit whilst pocketing big wodges of cash from the CAP to not bother growing anything (I didn't fact-check this, don't @ me), but he's strolled into the quarters almost by default.
My picks, on the basis of the bracket, are as follows. I'm not entirely sure how to progress as the rounds progress, but whatever. Thought it might be a nice alternative to the World Cup Pop Songs brackets or whatever.
France (The Lion Hunt | Eugène Delacroix) vs. Argentina (The back view of a couple walking hand-in-hand - Antonio Seguí)
Argentina nick this one. Two entries both ugly in their own way, but the Delacroix is definitely something that my eyes would glide painlessly over as my attention span, ravaged by rap music and MTV, searches for something more immediately gratifying. The Argentinian entry looks exactly like you would expect a mid-90s AIDS PSA to look, like some half-baked Keith Haring, but that's not such a bad thing. At least it's got some colour to it.
Uruguay (Yellow fever in Buenos Aires, 1871 - Juan Manuel Blanes) vs. Portugal (The Greyhounds - Amadeo de Sousa-Cardoso
Tough call. On the one hand you've got a dead woman getting pawed by a baby that looks like Wayne Rooney, on the other hand some incredibly stylish greyhounds. The dogs win it for me, on account of looking my mam's salukis, but the Uruguayans have got to feel a bit disappointed at an unexpected early departure despite a strong, gothy performance. No disgrace in losing to these sleek hounds though.
Spain (Portrait of Don Ramón Satué - Goya, Francisco de vs. Russia (The Sea Princess - Vrubel, Mihail)
The boring 1-0 AET of the round. Get this trash out of here. Boring portrait of fat lord vs. marginally less boring portrait of Pauline Calf. Fat lord wins it on account of him looking like my mate Lee, and his having a slightly glum face that makes me smirk for some reason.
Croatia (Abraham žrtvuje Izaka - Federiko Benković vs. Denmark (Summer evening on Skagen's Southern Beach - Peder Severin Krøyer
The dramatic chiaroscuro of the Croatian entry wins this one for me, Brian. The Danes just didn't turn up on the day, presenting the kind of tepid shite I will readily (and ignorantly) imagine well represents the experience of living in Denmark.
Brazil (Landscape in Brazil - Frans Jansz Post) vs. Mexico (National Institute of Cardiology Mural - Diego Rivera)
Much like sub-Saharan African countries and their French journeymen coaches, the Brazilians have drafted in an outsider to underwhelming effect. A picture so boring I didn't even click on the thumbnail. Not that it matters, because the Mexicans win this in a rout, looking capable of smashing anybody on this kind of form. This is top as fuck, even though one of the doctors in the middle of the picture appears to be committing a serious sexual assault on his patient. 5-0 to the Communist.
Belgium (Pornokrates - Félicien Rops) vs. Japan (Fuji as seen from the Katakura tea planatation in Suruga province - Katsushika Hokusai)
Well, the best thing I can say about the Japanese entry is that at least they didn't go for the predictableHokusai. Rops' long track record of baudy whimsy makes this an easy victory for the Belgians, without even having to pull any of the bigger names (your Magrittes, yer Rubens, yer Van Eycks) off the bench. In my younger, darker, more foolish days, I once spent a long weekend in Namur taking drugs alone in a cheap hotel room. One brief moment of light was going to the Musee Felicien Rops, an experience of joy and wonder.
Sweden (Breakfast under the Big Birch - Carl Larsson vs. Switzerland (Ulysses discovers Achilles hidden among the daughters of King Lycomedes - Angelica Kauffmann)
Another drab pairing, the Swedish entry looking like an illustration from a kid's book in my grandma's house, and its Swiss counterpart showing little to perk up my jaded eye. Switzerland on pens.
Colombia (Waterfall in Tequendama, Colombia - Cornelis van der Grient) vs. England (The Watermill - John Constable)
Absolute selection disaster by the Colombians. Like Brazil, they've brought in a European ringer. Unlike Brazil, they chose an absolutely uninspiring sketch. I've no time for Constable, but he's walked this one, the battered run-down state of the watermill well representing the present state of the nation. It's inhabitant probably voted hard Brexit whilst pocketing big wodges of cash from the CAP to not bother growing anything (I didn't fact-check this, don't @ me), but he's strolled into the quarters almost by default.
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