I was a teenage school sports cheat

[Tubby Isaacs]

http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2010/apr/26/school-sports-just-not-cricket

I didn't walk against Shrewsbury U15Bs in 1987. And I jumped the gun in the sprint at sports day in 1983.

How about you?

[E10 Rifle]

I was a teenage school sports cheat

I might have been fractionally offside when I swooped on a ball stuck in a puddle in the six-yard box to bang it home, playing for my Cub pack on Chingford plains.

I appealed for some leg-befores that were probably going down the leg side, but then school cricket umpires never gave lbws

[Gangster Octopus]

I was a teenage school sports cheat

Ah, bugger. I thought The Horse was back...

[Etienne]

I was a teenage school sports cheat

Haha. Nice one, GO.

I once ran out the non-striker for backing up too far (aged 11!) but the umpire wouldn't give him out.

[Tubby Isaacs]

I was a teenage school sports cheat

How did he react? At my school that would have been regarded pretty seriously. Someone did a reverse sweep and got sent off.

It's high time some ran out a non-striker in top flight cricket again. Ewen Chatfield once did that and Botham responded with "Listen son, you've already died once in a test match". Class. And Chatfield was 4 years older.

[Etienne]

I was a teenage school sports cheat

The batsman? I don't think he had a clue what was going on. Frankly I think backing up too far is cheating more than running someone out for it.

[Tubby Isaacs]

I was a teenage school sports cheat

It's down to social history, I suppose- bowlers being dragged up from mines to bowl at gentlemen batsmen.

[treibeis]

I was a teenage school sports cheat

Someone did a reverse sweep and got sent off.

I know bugger-all about cricketing etiquette. Is a reverse sweep considered bad form? I can remember that incident where Mike Gatting fucked one up in a test match, but I thought people got on his back because it was foolish rather than ill-mannered.

[Tubby Isaacs]

I was a teenage school sports cheat

Yeah, that's the shot.

This was a couple of years before Gatting, who played the shot in a limited overs match which meant it wasn't quite on a level with parricide. Schools like mine were very insistent on the idea they weren't playing limited overs cricket, so that declarations and stuff like that would come into it.

Actually this occurred in a practice game, now I think about it.

[Toby Gymshorts]

I was a teenage school sports cheat

Netherhall School, 1990. Rugby. I definitely knocked the ball on (by a good foot or so) before spinning it out to our winger to score the decisive try. Whoops.

Cracking HMHB earworm, by the way.

[Wyatt Earp]

I was a teenage school sports cheat

Gangster Octopus wrote:

Ah, bugger. I thought The Horse was back...

Ha ha ha.

[Houdi Elbow]

I was a teenage school sports cheat

Frankly I think backing up too far is cheating more than running someone out for it

The accepted convention is to give the batsman a warning and run them out on a second offence. Bowlers, tsk.

[Tubby Isaacs]

I was a teenage school sports cheat

If the bowler does it without a warning, then etiquette suggests that you can make a joke about any life-threatening condition the bowler may have had (see Beefy above).

Can someone explain the joke about The Horse?

[Etienne]

I was a teenage school sports cheat

Back in the deep distant past there was a stramash between The Horse and Voldemort over a chess match that a (very young) Horse had invented with a friend, and then seen it included in some book on the subject. Voldemort was very unhappy about it.

Houdi, I was eleven! But yeah, I would warn them now.

[The Purple Cow]

I was a teenage school sports cheat

As I mentioned a couple of times before my (then) 8 year old son Dylan was banned from all football in Holland for 12 months after receiving red cards for violent conduct in two consecutive matches, two years ago.

After a couple of other unsavory incidents at cricket games we thought he had serious anger management issues and that he would have to go into some kind of therapy.

However, it turned out that he had sugar management issues, and after we got his diet sorted out and made sure he ate a proper breakfast before every game - and a snack at half time, those problems appear to be behind him.

I was mortified to hear that he did pick up a red card at a school game two weeks ago, but that was for two yellows, one for a miss-timed tackle, and one for taking his shirt off and waving it about after scoring a goal. So I think we are still o.k.

[Etienne]

I was a teenage school sports cheat

I can't believe they give kids yellow cards for taking their shirt off. Ridiculous. Political correctness gone mad.

[Tubby Isaacs]

I was a teenage school sports cheat

Ah the chess thing.

I got sent off in practice for a trip at rugby. I hadn't understood that this was morally different to a handoff.

[Nurse Duckett]

I was a teenage school sports cheat

I was the only person known to get sent off during an inter-house basketball match (about which nobody really cared) at my secondary school, when I reacted to someone jumping all over my back by kicking the basketball at them. Stupid game, anyway.

Talking of rugby hand-offs, in one inter-house rugby game I ran diagonally with the ball across the pitch just to gratuitously hand-off an opponent I didn't particularly like on the way to scoring a try. Within the rules but not good.

[manandvans]

I was a teenage school sports cheat

I was a right bastard in the school house competitions.

Guilty of running the non striking batsman out when bowling. The umpire suggested that I should give a warning to which I retorted that the aforementioned batsman should have stayed in his ground till I bowled.

Guilty of the most blatant handball imaginable which lead to a goal. I reached up for a big looping cross and just patted it down to sidefoot home. Then I ran away with one hand in the air. The defender was actually laughing about it.

Sent off in house basketball for verbally abusing an opponent at the exact moment he was about to shoot from the free throw line.

All three transgressions were against one particular house, the master of which once docked our house a point a match in the football for not fielding the full 11 players. We then came 3rd instead of 2nd. A good effort I thought as our house only had me from the school XI while the winners had about 9 players.

If I'd have played house chess I'm sure I'd have been kicking shins underneath the table or moving pieces while opponents were distracted like the draughts game in Porridge.

Also in middle school football I picked up the tactic of wellying the ball into the main road to run the clock down while we held out for a 1-0 win. It seemed preferable to passing to any of our other players.

Against other schools I remember playing pretty fairly though.

[Etienne]

I was a teenage school sports cheat

Ah, the team building effects of intra-schools sport.

If I'd have played house chess I'm sure I'd have been kicking shins underneath the table or moving pieces while opponents were distracted like the draughts game in Porridge.

Poisoning their yoghurt surely?

[linus]

I was a teenage school sports cheat

In high school, I rode half the course of a 5K run through the Bois de Boulogne (outside Paris) on the back of my friend's moped. We barged in late a few hundred meters from the finish, just enough distance for a leisurely smoke on the way to the finish line.

[manandvans]

I was a teenage school sports cheat

Forgot to mention above that I used to bet against my own school side on a regular basis. Not exactly cheating in my opinion as I didn't take a dive or not try. The 'Lou Macari' defence I suppose.

I had to pay out after giving 8-1 against our team once. The other side had a kid on Portsmouth's books and we weren't very strong. We won 2-0.